I remember years ago when maggie was so small I would spend my days watching food network, fussing about my home through the day, making my house honey. Holidays were good. Summer was good. Today I sit on the couch, watchjng food network while I'm home from being sick last night. I look forward to those days again. Life sure does go in cycles.

Ziggy Marley save me...

Shine Bright!
Lift your head up!
Be strong!
These are only lessons!
Woman is Strength!

Keep Going!

...how?
these are lies. Lies perpetuated by people who have no idea what it is to be worn.

I have lived my whole life, being capable. Being a leader, being in the middle of the action.
I am worn.
I can no longer do these things.
I am not shining, I do not want to shine.
Fuck you.
I cannot lift my head up, because there is only anger and sadness in my eyes.
I am worn.
These are lessons only to the new comer. I am over this lesson bullshit. I don't have anything else to learn from these hardships.
IS this all there is for me? Why can I never have what I want for me?
Not any more. Not rite now.
Oh 'change your filter' .. easy when all there is to change is the tv channel.
I can reitterate  all day long my 'woes' but its pointless. I am tired. I am worn. I have never not had hope, and direction...
until now.
I cannot imagine what a difference could possibly be for me. I want to go off to a tropical beach away from all I know and just watch the tea water and sit in the sun. I want to breathe life back into my ragged chest.
This is the truest form of what depression is. And i will not 'seek help'.. because I am not a number, I am not a 'medication'. I do not have health insurance anyways. Wouldn't do me any good.
I live my life surrounded by the most broken people, day in and day out.
I know this is the problem, I know empathy has killed me. And is this a catalyst? Is this a turning point? These unhealthy people, this unhappy life.
I just can't feel into picking myself 'up by the bootstraps'...

Ziggy sings it best...