there are nights i shouldn't sit up and feel. this is probably one of those nights.. i remember it well.. sitting, staring out the window at the horizon, wanting to drive so badly.. wanting to be part of the ether.. missing the dry wind, the faces... lost, lost lost.. staring...
the soul's pull in this album...
Loved my Brother so much, would never leave his side.. my Leto to his Ghannima.. two souls opening to the Universe, becoming what no one could understand, and here we stand.
We walked hand in hand, naked in a new world, a brand new land, clean and scared... we did the best we could, finding soul-ace in one another. Curled up to sleep, always in comfort.
Now, so many life times away, so many events and miles.. my heart aches for those times, that newness and that dependency. The trust. That room, that chapter.
We tried, didnt we? We became, we grew, we moved on.. when we went back to the spot.. all things were different.. broken some how. The clean wonder & search and pull were lost.
But those afternoons.. those 4 p.m. window stares, when my soul became part of the horizon, for surely made me who i am, who i have been & who i will be. The wanderlust never subsided, just changed, just put into something that keeps me busy. The open skies call me, the clear water rushes my name, The dry wind whispers my soul... Skies aflame with love of the connection, rolling thunder echoes through my heart-center beckoning me to stand again, open, naked, & new - holding the hand of my pre-born soul's mate.
From this daydream i run, from these memories i hide.. they kill, they ache with their beauty.. they steal breath with their fullness of echoing wind... canyons, rivers, trees... desert skies, caleche dust, rock.
Me, and My Brother. In this search for meaning endless...

Fucking stress sucks. Goddamn Website, Fucking money with the shop, People depending on me.. Its so much to handle. Like, how much can I do? where is my limits? Am i really finally reaching them?
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?
I need some guidance.

and then there are those days...

Where you miss something that you said you wanted gone. Familiarity is a bitch. Holidays are so hard, every year. It was at this time, 5 years ago he told me he didnt want this life, this child... me. My heart breaks every year, i cover it up. i cry for the things he could have been, the things i see him now do that i asked, begged, pleaded for. I cry to wonder why me- why did he hate me, why did he love me so- all in one sob. and i cry to wonder why it's always still there. every year. The first year, i had to have thanksgiving dinner at my own home in order to keep my self together- just stay busy. just keep busy so you dont have to think about your shattered life, about someone who doesnt want you so very much that he is willing to kill himself to escape. Hide from the pain of this person who refuses to love you enough to pull himself together and live a beautiful life with you and this amazing Light-Being-Child.
i know, through all of my teachings and self-experience it has nothing to do with the other person, its all within self. It is all an outward expression of what we have held tightly within, but it all reflected to me, all pushed ugly buttons in my soul.. so bad.
i see such a beautiful light in him, i always have -always. I hate him so much for wasting his talent, for not being fully aware, for not doing the things i KNOW he is so beautifully capable of. The damn guy could build a world with his bare hands, and hold it in his palm if he would JUST focus his energy there.
And it looks like he is, now.... and it kills so much to see what he told me he could and would do for me, .. for someone else. He is one of the most Brilliant people I have ever met. Most Brilliant.. he shines so brightly...
But I will never be clean enough, and I will never be un-hurt enough, and i dont know that i could ever heal enough to try to walk those steps again.
So, this time of year, I cry... until i am numb enough not to. Every year.. now 5 years.
At least this year we are not fighting or in court...

Well, so lots is going on, and i am releasing the little whisp of fear/resentment that has settled into my chest in the last few minutes.
But, Lets start with one BEAUTIFUL thing. I get my house back. I know, its not a house, and it never left, but i am so excited to be having it all back to me and Maggie only. It's not because of anything bad, it's actually the opposite. I asked my Bf to move out. HAha! Usually thats really bad thing, but this was for good reason- so we DIDNT get torn apart. It was soooo stressful for me with all 4 of us in the house and no change in sight. Maggie was affected, we all have been, and now- in 8 days, we will all be able to breathe! Michael can play his games, wear his shoes in the house, have a fan full bore and his food and fridge back to his way. I will have clean floors, organized bathroom adn bedroom back to normal. Maggie willhave her bedroom all spiffed up and Girly and Useful. Sky will have a bedroom, an at room, and her snake back. OH! and Coco can come home. AND we can have our thin tree at Holiday, and put our Dining table back in the house.. and I can cook again! As can Mike in his new house. *SIGH* so excited. There is something to be said for the mystery of absence in a relationship on a healthy level. We are both very individual people, and we have kind of been smothered in this combining of households. He probably wont realize the Awesomeness of it all until he sighs a sigh of relief in his OWN Space.
This light-at-the-end of the tunnel has given me such renewed happiness. I cant WAIT for the next week to go by!!
Holidays are coming up and I am so excited to be able to decorate and have it be beautifully mine and maggie's way!
then the fear based silliness i had- I have let it go because i know that it does me no good to bother with even thinking about it. Whats sad is that someone who i thought i was good friends with has turned out to be not as good as i thought because she is so based in her own fear that it makes he do dishonest things. Its sad really. I guess its all ok, and whatever, because it really doesnt affect me, unless it does, and then i will actually have to DO something about it. *sigh* which i dont want to do. But, hey- her own life will be what she makes it. I wish her all the best, I know i can be tough to handle at times, but - i am human, and well.. meh. just because i can get ugly about life, too, doesnt mean i hate anyone. (well, yes i do.. but those are evil ppl who.. ew.)
Anyways. Autumn Season has stolen my heart so hugely. I am so happy in love with this season. I am blessed and Joyfully enamoured.
yea.. so <3 SIGH. Beautiful Beautiful Happy Joy. And it's just now starting!! SO Much more to come! Yehaw! XOXO

ah.

This is me sighing relief. Gratitude for good things.

so this

...is what disappointment feels like. *sigh* i thought i had it rite. I feel like i dont. maybe i'm, just really tired.
i wish i could see clearly.

... is not something to be rebelled against. I'm too old for bullshit. Guess I'm too independent for some things. And that's ok.
no matter how much it irritates me the way people act.. it's not mine. so.

Rainy Tuesday

And I am sitting in the shop. It's not open. I am working on Center. Started the day running.. up, child, ready, school, home, boy, laundry... *sigh* now i am in the shop and it is not as quiet in my head as i want. so.
Center. Quiet.
so much in the brain... and its needing to flow away...

Autumn

This day reminds me of beautiful things that i work towards and why i do so. Home. Fire in the wood stove. Coffee, Birds, Gardens. Sweaters. The Life I love, that I hold so dear, that i work to have and keep.
Now.. wheres that house?

So now theres this..

So, we have had a lot happen lately. Mainly I went through my first ever Grief. Nothing has ever really bothered me before about death, because I understand so much about ..life? energy.
But Shane Killed me along with him for days. I went Numb. I didnt know I was numb. I didnt know I didnt know..
He was a challenge to me, yes. But did he deserve his pain? No. Not at all. Ever. So, In the injustice.. I grieved. I have never done that before. I loved him, even if I didnt like how he acted. And it made me sad that he was so alone. Had I known..
Anyways. Aside from that. Life is better coming out the other side. You know, they say Jeses Christ died to save us. I think Shane did. With the mourning came a release for me that I so very needed... I was ready to give up myself. I was too tired to do all the things I was trying to do. I would not have ended my life, but I very well could have been self-destructive and given up a lot of things I have worked very hard on. So, in that release, I am grateful to him for taking that heavy load with him, for me.
Michael has been sick. We think It's Lyme Disease. (Dis-Ease) but of course we cannot have it tested, the tests are usually inconclusive and cost a lot. So, he is on AntiBiotics and Teasel Root. He hurts all the time which is kind of scary. I feel bad for him. I am an herbalist, rite? shouldnt I be doing something about this? well... yea. Im not that kind of herbalist I guess. Or something....
The moon is beautiful tonight, the air is cool and sweet. I took a walk in the forest with the Dog tonight and brought home a Cottonwood branch. The most amazing scent... My bedroom smells like it. There is the faint scent of outdoor fires in the air, and it is cool enough for a sweat shirt. I Love this weather. Absolutely Love it. Sean Lane Hates it.
Maggie has gone to 1st grade, its good for her, she gets tired thought. And I think she can read more than she lets on.... I catch her reading random stuff out loud and I'm like- whaaaa? interesting. She is becoming a separate entity from me. It makes me feel strange.. like I'm not spending enough energy on her, but I know she is only growing and becoming herself.. not so much me. Not so much mimicking.
I love that I can see the moon from where I sit.
I love the Night Air.
I love that the horrid man upstairs is leaving me alone.
I love that I had customers today in the Shop. :) That one is a big one.
I love that Michael is so patient and Loving to me.. He is so good for my soul. Even though he does a few things that bother me, over all hes such a good mate to have.
I am beginning to miss Cable TV.. haha.. we are going to need it for the winter. I feel certain about this- common shop- produce tons of income for me!!
Well.. all in all life is pretty damn good, providing the dog doesnt eat any more of my shoes. Dan thing, sweet as hell, Stupid puppy.
yea.. ok.

The Greiving Floor....I sing Fallen Angel Songs..

Shane Davis ZumMallen..
Fallen Angel in Beauty and Love.

July 16 1981 - August 31 2011

"For you, My Dear.. Today I Sing your Passage, Today I light a flame for your Peace. For you, Sweet one, I laugh for your Joy, and I cry washing away your sorrow. Thank you for gracing my life and learning lessons with me in our wake. You are blessed, Loved, and Remembered. Thank you for walking with us for this time..."
He now rests in Peace.. We have Lost our Shane. Please remember him with what Beauty he held.

He Died. He said his good-bye that he so wanted for so long, and all we could do was allow it. A beautiful boy, who never had a true chance, took his own time. Here is what I have to say and How I feel as I think on it all....



Written while watching the Bro ken Angel Sleep one night....

Him
" Closed Eyes
Soft eyelashes brushing
Pale cheeks
He sleeps."

Written in a time of separation...

Shane Follows
"Hold out your palm
And I'll prick your finger
We'll test you.
And pull you apart.

There's got to be something
Somewhere.

What is it?
Where did it come from?
And why?


Hold out your arms
I'll slit them one hundred times,
-again.
And we'll pull you apart.

We can bandage you up with something,
Someway.

Bare your chest
We'll pull out your heart,
And push it to it's limits.
See how much it can take.
And we'll pull you apart.

I'll fix you somehow,
Someday."

I couldn't fix him... no one could. We all tried until our hearts broke, and we became dry and resentful. And none of it was his fault. He kept trying- he kept reaching for light - a light he didn't even believe in. But he tried. Over and Over and Over again. Until there was no more chances he could give himself. He was so strong for going on as long as he did in this thing he never asked for, living the things that were forced upon him by people he only wanted love from. T hings no child should endure.

But in this there are paradox. In my own understandings, I struggle with the 2 sides-
One, my spiritual understandings- We are here for God-self to God-self experience. We are her to FEEL and Experience what we are and who we are via contrast, so that the Universe can express what is is vi a what it is not. Shane was so much a part of that- a part bigger than myself, because he experienced things so much more intensely than i do. Than most people do. He had such pain, and such undulating sorrow that when he felt fleeting joy or love or laughed, it was so intense for him. And those moments were quiet and precious to him. He savored them.


..."He was Love, and He tried so hard. He had the best experience of love of any of us, because those few fleeting moments of pure joyful love he would experience were more heaven than any of us can imagine.. they were more powerful for him and more full than anything we have because they were so preciously intense."









And there is the side of me that says he signed up for this contract, so that he could experience these things, grow. learn... And I signed up for this contract so that I could feel these things, grow, learn....
Damn he always had to do things so strongly. This time-round, too.. he signed up for a challenge, because he knew he could do it. He did. He knows now. He accomplished true love from us all, and he knows, upon exiting, that we all love him so eternally.
We wouldn't be here if we didn't.
He is bringing together people who were enemies, Who were resentful. Seth and I for one. Wendy and I were only apart. We all grieve in common love lines. Together. Which makes us all In-Love. He was so damn smart, he knew, he always knew.
I always looked for his approval in all things I did.. funny thing, I always wanted him to say I did good. Which is all he wanted from others... no wonder...

Then there is the Human Part. The GOD DAMN YOU MOTHER FUCKERS part. (here, i removed an inserted lashing-out about his parental figures from this -you're welcome.) Because this is their part to play- they gave him the hurt, the pain, the anger. He never asked for it. NEVER.
However, with my understanding of Universal La w, Love and Peace, I cannot be angry too far, it's just not there.
well, not if I don't have to see them, and come back to human blind rage. I will be respectful of him, at present and not tell his whole gruesome story of child hood in detail, but i will say a few things about him in accordance-
We can start with his father. David. I only know the man's name because of a conversation we had years ago, Shane and I -
me-"Shane DAVID.."
Shane- "DavIS. Davis- the end has an 'S'- it makes it possessive- it means David's Son. My dad is David. I am his son. Davis."
.."Oh"
I will never forget. He loved his father. He cried for his father... Often. He just wanted his dad. He wanted to be loved. He missed his father. He wanted to be close to him.. but never could be. He wanted the pain of the things his parents did to be removed, like they never happened. He never said it aloud.. but he hurt from his father, so badly. I never got the full story. But it was there. And all he wanted was Love.
Mother... Lets move onto the mother. I know her name. I will not speak it. I wrote it off so long ago. The night before he died, I opened my cook book to the Zucchini Bread recipe she had sent him (because it was his favorite.. ) and made a batch. In the recipe she gives him kisses at the end. These were fleeting moments of sweetness. He loved his mother.. because he had those small, incandescent moments with her.. but they were underlyingly tainted. I hope he had built up many since then, true pure ones.
However, I will never forgive, and I will never forget. My own human-ness holds onto the flame of injustice. I was a mercenary once lifetimes ago... I still carry my sword. I have choice words, but i am sure sh e is drowning in her own horrid mess now. I'll let it take care of it self.
Wife? The new wife? I don't know her.. But I am sure she is in a bad spot rite now. I wish I did know her. I wish I could hold her, & tell her thank you fro trying for our beautiful boy..He would thank her himself, and probably did.

How about The Funeral? He doesn't want one. HE WANTS A PARTY. He told me this, as I am sure he told others. Cremation and party. I have a sinking feeling it wont go that way.

And I married this Beautiful Angel...

There are beautiful things of this Self-dubbed fallen angel that I have always loved, That I WILL always love...He walked with me at such a young age.We tried things together, like marriage. and fought each other like hell to keep it, but it wasn't what we were meant to be in the end. And that is ok. We did the best we could. We did what we knew how to do- how smart can you be at 22 & 18 ?

Shane Davis ZumMallen.. one of the most Intelligent, seeking, deep people to grace this earth. A self proclaimed 'Fallen-Angel', broken to the core but saint and savior to us all. Came to teach us the fragility of our selves, to cherish who we are, and what we have. Came to softly, with shaking hands, kiss each one of us as he joked about Cat-Tacos. A Beautiful Boy showing us how to love unconditionally, Hold hands across grievances, and come together to bridge gaps for the sake of good.
He only wanted out of the Darkness... and Now he is Pure Light. His soul is free of constraint, and his understanding complete.
His favorite food was bratwurst for a while, He loved Red&Black, Nine Inch Nails, MM, Industrial... and Cats. And His computer. And Us all. Kathy's song by Apoptygma Berzerk.
For My Once and Always Loved, Shane Davis ZumMallen.. Thank you. For everything thing, through the joy and pain, for teaching me Life Lessons beyond compare and giving me rations of your precious commodity of Love and Tenderness. You have done well here on this plane.. you have accomplished much. Even if you didn't know then, you do know now. And through it all, you had understanding and compassion.
There is so much more to say.
But I will stop here... because I love. And I was Blessed, and I Am Grateful.

Questions...

So.. .heres my Question at hand. :/ When is enough enough? When is Change inevitable? When the money runs out? and when is that? That is when the motivations run out.. when each day is a chore to even bother with.
I am finding that i dont have inspiration about the shop anymore. Nothing.. its more a chiore than anything, it is no longer my end result- i am not inspired, excited, happy about it. And it is beginning to take it's toll wicked bad. We have had so few customers this month that rent is currently a joke. And I know it is my own fault. i will soon be living my truth, by bruter force if nothing else. I know that Change occurs in accordance with your thoughts and feelings. I KNOW this to be extremely a truth. I know how i am feeling lately, and i so dont like it. I need inspiration, i need fresh ideas, fresh powerful love of what i do. because if i dont have or get that- this place is going to be a memory. Is that what i want? i dont know. i feel bad for all the hard work people put in, but at the same time, i wonder if i am supposed to be doing something else. Tghe issue with all of this is that i dont know WHAT i want to be doing. :/ i dont want to let this place just go for no reason.
I've proven to myself that i can open and run a business. Well? Meh, not really.. haha.. im pretty disorganized, but i can do it. what should be my goal now? what do i want to do? i dont want to be bitter and frantic and shut off to people like some other people i know in the business.. thats not who i want to be.
I am not a medicinal herbalist though. I know i am not here to treat people, i dont think. I like knowing the properties of the herbs, but ive never been confident in my knowledge.
I have to say that I love plants- I found a hazelnut tree in the woods, adn i researched it, and i LOVED that part, i love research and growing plants and the science of them and their beauty
i think i could grow food and sunflowers for ever.. i love it, i love sprouting green, growing beautiful things.
Insert Big Sigh Here. I wish i knew what i wanted next. I would so do it with passion, but i dont know hat to do.. i dont know what i want.
Hear my prayer.. whomever may be listening. Please insert with i seek in my heart.. show me something inspiring and beautiful and true. I feel stuck in an ugly rut.

own life..

So, i seem to be fucking up my own life. i have gone down this spiral of not-knowing and am seeing all kinds of results. I have involved myself in unsavory circumstances (neighbor gossip), Talking badly about people and being ungrateful. I am watching the results of my actions unfold in pretty ugly ways. It sucks. I'm really not liking it, but i dont know if I'm at the point where i feel rock bottom. I dont want to lose everything i have because I am being unconscious though. i know that my thoughts create my world. Everything i think and feel now creates my world/reality. And its wicked starting to get ugly.
I dont have a direction, and I think that is part of it. I am burned out and am at a point where i am going to take a much-needed break. I am taking mon-weds off from EVRYTHING and going to hide out. i think I will be spending a lot of time at the beach.
just watching the waves and looking at the sand particles.
money is VERY tight this month. Even though It shouldnt be, seeing as how Michael is splitting things with me.. *sigh*
ITs all about the thoughts, and I have gotten lost, off track and sunk to the level of mediocre people around me. bah! My fictional self flipped me the bird and walked away.
God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot Change,
The Courage (drive, Energy & inspiration)to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

disappointment and exhaustions.

This is me. exhausted. and wondering rather strongly.
so, i call a shop meeting. 3 weeks ago, i send this thing out. who responds? 4 people.. out of 58. 58 people who i ave busted my ass for and with for the past 2 years. 4 respond. :/
And Maggie wont let me sleep again. Im exhausted. up 3 times a night presently.. *sigh*
im taking the 1st through the 3rd off. I am going to the ocean. I am watching it all day.. and evening. And i may come home to sleep.. maybe.

Wassail and Drinking Horns

I listen to Matis and my Heart Soars..
Sampo! is Equal to Shalom! its Eggs and Chickens... Its Wassail.
Its the things i refrain from saying, from showing, i hold so much back. It is right under the surface, and I know it is felt. I wait for dissipation of fear to let loose the deluge. i dream of the day of full expression.
Until then i take Sandy's words- Be patient.
I have so much, I give what is allowed.
I love. So much, so full, so selfless.
All to one, to seldom Hands held out i give.
<3

ants marching..

when you are in love with someone, a lot changes. things matter.

Upsidown

I trust in the Universe, More sometimes then others. I am just like everyone else, I get down sometimes, too. But I know the Universal remembered me this week. So man good things happening. Things that I dont even have to question, because I know them to be true by how they feel. And I am SO grateful.
Shop Stuff, Life stuff.. Stuff to make my heart Soar.

Rite.

Yea.. I for sure don't want to be doing this.. again. I don't want these expectations even though it is said they are not there. they are. don't lie, and don't try to hide them.. even from yourself. I was there the day it sank in- it's a repeat. I've been here before. I have already lived through someone else's drama and serious fuck up. I don't have the trust for another issue. It has been said that every one deserves a second chance, hell, I have had so many myself. Maybe I used yours up.. who knows. I do know however, that since I have already lived through it, I am not the one who has seconds to dish out.. I'm sure someone who hasn't been where I have been has such things. You probably didn't mean to throw the atmosphere into such turmoil, and I for sure didn't mean to let it all get so far before knowing all the truth, all the facts that would have me backing off. I'm so sure that you didn't mean to pre-set this situation, but you did.. sorry. And I can't get past it, It's my life.. don't you forget.. it never ends..
I may be cool, I may shine like the brightest star in the heavens. But I have my bruises and I have my boundaries and the learnings have been scarred into my skin- like burns and cuts. It is said Leopards don't change their spots.. no matter how many guildings they may have. Renn Boy or not.. The key isn't to this lock. Not much else to say About it.
yep.
And I know you have self preserving to do as well. Good luck out there.

:(

Im trying not to use this as much, trying to stay positive. but i am beaten down today.
pat has been at me again.. wouldnt leave me alone, so i feel like i have been hit by a mac truck. on top of that, Phil was just here talking about the Cutters and how horrid he and other people here have been treated when lease renewal time came buy..
hes really got me thinking about what i should be doing.
i can a)work my ass off to make this run full force, and be ready for a rent increase
or B)look for anew venue where i would have more exposure.
problems with both- a) so much work that needs to be done NOW, that i am so tired from all the stuff i already do (or try to do.. i am so overtaxed already) and i dont know what to do. I am so worn from patrick's consistant badgering.
B) moving, moving the business, being in a place with less leeway, and possibly switching magg's school and all our friends.
i just want to sleep.

Ugh. I just read about slaughterhouses.. and looked up images. Yea.. Vegetarianism looks like the way to go.
Maggie doesnt like eating meat as it is, so it will be an easy transition for us. I will miss grilling yummy things like good steak.. but..
i just cant do it.
not any more.
i was vegetarian off and on for years..but.. :/ yea.
im going back to it.