Seasons

The more I learn about the world around me, the shit people do, the more disappointed I become. I know it's a perspective accordance, however, I wonder how it can be that people are so shitty. Seasons are changing and I'm having to look at my life. I don't want to. I want to remain in homeostasis just like everyone else.  It's easier. But it's not flow.
Sigh
The universe knows what it is doing. Feels like the truth of feast or famine now as time gets cooler.
Catalyst of soul.
'Give me something to sing about'

Innerfire....

So, I am thinking about creation. I am thinking about inspiration...
I am thinking about public eye and what it is about to be a person who creates for the public. I am thinking about the fact that I have little inspiration lately. I really dont want to bother with making things for others. I have very little need to prove myself, I dont have the same energy backing "this is why I do what I do". I really dont want to do anything for anyone... I kind of just want to paint. I kind of just want to hole myself up in my space against the world. I feel like I have nothing to give, Like i am an imposter. I feel like I put on a good show and thats about it, i create a personae. I want to run to the hills and lock myself away down a dirt road and just live. I want to fed the wood stove, stare out the window, watch the leaves and snow fall... I want to create a quiet life to regain my footing, because I truly have not gathered myself enough. I have always had an issue with doing too much for others, for living and molding myself into what others want because they need something. Now it's not one, but masses. I put on a show... I want groundedness... I want inspiration, I want to leave, I want to just live surrounded by good comfort.
When I look at the past year, I have had security, but not comfort, not ease. Not tradition and not truth, only comfort of security and some laughter. I have lived with constant irritation, and chose to ignore it--because it could be worse. I made the decision to be in this place, to help these children. I and coming to open my soul to see what is really going on. I am stifled, my flame is more of static than spark. I am not made of man made electricity, I am ember and smoulder of pitch and bark, of burl and leaves...
Breathe this open love this open light this clean air and move toward it...

Truth

Yep. It's very true. 

Interesting how life gets. Heh. 

Guess I'll be working with Maggie's school again. Farm to table. 

Most excellent.