Monday

Still not feeling back to how I was. I just want to feel happy.
I would like to say- Normal- but I can't, because I don't know if that is truly what I want- I want normal for ME. Not 'how things were' - because I have changed... I do not want to go back to homeostasis. Complacency of boredom and lostness.
I want to be new... renewed.. that is what my trip was supposed to let me do... and maybe it did, on a level I have yet to understand. Maybe it shocked me so much that I have been pulled from my sunkenness. If that is what is true- is this ache and sadness and anger and resentful storm only a change?
If I was looking at this from the outside I would say 100% yes.
I would say to the person posing this question -
This new emotional turmoil state is your old homeostasis fighting to stay with you as a new expansion arises and pulls you forward.
I would tell the person to just hold on.. and to follow their soul. To do small things every day that make them feel even a tiny bit of light, a small glimmer.. whatever that is.
I would say that things do not have to be the way they have always been, that change can occur happily and easily. That crisis mode is not something that has to be relived and relived... it can be a thought of the past. A new thought can come in and be in your own soul - a thought of "How would I really want this to be? How would be a beautiful way for things to occur and what would I want to see happen?"
... Those are the questions I would pose to the person asking...
and I like those questions. They give me a glimmer of hope.
Let me feel them, let me feel their ease and goodness.
Let me ease into money, lots and lots of money. Let me ease into a smooth life of travel and being independent. Let me start from where I am, From the here and now, From this moment... to step into my fullness and creative self and utilize my gifts and talents to pave my easy way.
I pray for these things, for a guiding hand and for the centeredness and drive to accomplish wonderful and prosperous and productive things in my life- NOW.
Thank You. I am ready.

there are days when..

we come to rope ends...
I am very done with people these days. Since coming back from Arizona, people who are not worth my time, are just not worth my time. I have culled the heard some form FB.. (as many as I can in one sitting)... and am actually really looking at the irritation I hold for certain people in my life. One in particular, and it's like a constant irritant. We are always at one another, and I come to see we never land on common ground. He wants things one way, and I want them another. Its infuriating to live with someone - anyone - who is a continual static factor in my life. From food to fans... I am always irritated and it is just reminding me so much of how much I really like being alone.
Some say to me- 'but I'm alone, and I hate it... '
I, myself very much enjoy being alone. Well, With Maggie of course. But, even before she was born, I was the same- could easily live alone my whole life. But, somehow... I always get myself into Situations where I really just dislike the circumstances and events and I want to be left to my self.
I am never unhappy alone.
Disclaimer- 
*all things I write ALWAYS have the Maggie factor included- she is my child, my soul, and my lovely. She is with me always and is a wonderful, amazing, beautiful child who is brilliant and I would never be without. It is my duty to always serve an protect her, because I brought he to this world, and she chose me. So.*
Anyways. My fuse is short, and my time on this plane of continuum  is long... so movement is a given.

My Spirit is Crying for leaving...

I busied myself all day- planting, doing what I know to automatically do.
... but now the sun is setting.
And I can't hide from my ache. I gave it my best shot all day.
I have a soul hang-over... I have felt like someone died all day.
Like the feeling we are left with, three days after a horrid tragedy.
I am doing my best.. but in quiet pauses, my eyes water.. I just want my brother.... I just want to go home.
I sat there, in Jerome, in old bar seats, just Be-ing. I was comfortable, at home. I was whole. My brother was down the mountain and he would be getting me.
I was at ease, Sleeping in pillow bed of normalcy. The protector and understanding snoring softly beside me, I knew when I woke all would be okay that day.
Sounds strange, but when the only person you have ever truly loved is so far from you, you cry.
Much.
I didn't have the closeness of a mother, a father.. I didn't have the gift of growing up being given chances and understanding. I never had a parent to rely on, to trust-
I only had Him. My Brother. The other half of my soul, the person who understands me when I speak and makes me laugh when I am broken....
But not now. Not 3,000 miles away
..Yesterday my soul screamed, unknown to the thousands of strangers around me-
" Today the tops of the clouds are evil as I sit here captive, returning to the place that I've been held to for so long. Resentment seethes with every breath, tears well every moment. I am torn from my land and my brother- again. I do not want this nightmare. I can no longer hold a face of glee at the people and places I dwell. Anger flows from me as I reel against these wings that carry me back to my cell- back to where my soul is drained and my being is stretched by every living thing in all directions like a sucking black hole. I will rebel against the restraints that will try to hold me- But no longer will I be contained.
I am done."

I think I have paid my dues. I think I have done enough.
I want to go home now.

Stones and Moon....

Is it bad that I dont want anyone to talk to me from NH? Is it bad that I want to hide?
How am I going to readjust?
I am currently very resentful to have to go back to NH.
Fuck this.
I do not want to be there.
I have been where my soul is fed.. where my blood and bone are Verde and Caliche.
No.. things, people, places and events of NH are not enough to keep me there.
I threw our stones. I will return to where the sun warms my bones, where the moon fills my heart and the wind sings my lifesongs...
I am not of cold, wet, dark..
I am of dry, dusty, open warmth.
I am of soaring and rushing and harsh beauty.

Our stones have been thrown under the desert moon... I will return.

EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY I WORK TO BETTER MYSELF. EVERY DAY I TRY.
and WHY? Because I CAN. Because even when I am not emotionally okay, I am still Healthy- and Because even if I have a cold, I can still READ, and because even when I am Tired, I Still have ways and means.
I AM BLESSED BEYOND BLESSED.
I HAVE ALL I NEED- I have all my basic needs met, I am blessed.
What Do I want? I want to teach children how to feed themselves, how to sew.. I want to teach them how to be true to their own souls- that the LOVE THEY FEEL is TRUTH. I want to teach children that they DONT have to feel lost, left out, alone - because they NEVER ARE. They are WHOLE, they are COMPLETE and they are capable and have the permission to be what every they want, to do all the good things and to have the world!
.....and I want to teach this to the Children who did not survive....
Those Lonely adults walking the face of this earth thinking over and over that they cannot ever have those beautiful lives and adventures of younger years. Those lost children who were told- NO! and YOU CAN'T and STOP DREAMING! Those UGLY LIES that turned into....'You'll never be good enough'.....
I WANT to Teach these tall-walking children that THEY ARE good enough to REMEMBER their SOUL-DREAM! To KNOW - TRULY KNOW that what they believed as a child is closest to what is true, to what is real to what is good.... as good as good can be. Strawberry Ice cream Dreams of Summers and Surfing. Beautiful Butterfly wishes of Frosted Christmas Windows long forgotten in the daily rush of consumerisms screaming- YOU HAVE TO BE THIS GOOD! YOU HAVE TO LOOK< SEE< DRESS LIKE- THIS!
Lies.
I want to undo the lies. I want to nurture the truth in all SOuls. We know our ultimate truth... we were born with it. Many have had it snubbed out by those who came before, who had it snubbed out of them... and so back it goes...
But We are beautiful creatures.
We are beings of pure energy and thus pure light- Break it down, you will see. Nothing is solid, we are constant moving energy... so do we exist?
YES!
WE EXIST! and we are PURE MAGIC!
Pure Soul.. Pure God Essence- Divine Nature.
WE ARE.
I AM.
... and so are you. ALways.
And you are loved.
........

...and laundry.

well, so, early morning Wednesday, and I am thinking.
I had had something to do EVERY day for 3 years straight. I had a mission each day, a routine. It was imperative that I get up, get dressed and get to the shop. And I did this with Me, and Maggie and that's all. I had a point, a purpose and a prime directive. Every day- a goal.
Now- now, I have freelance life. I don't HAVE to do anything- I do what I have inspiration for.
(a side note- there is a piece in me that is petrified to go back to shop-life. I don't know that I EVER want to experience the heartbreak of what happened at the end again. I think a piece of me hides from the world and shivers and cries - 'no' in the back of my soul... just sayin')
However.
This doesn't seem to be going well lately. I don't have drive.
Sure, I went to that job for a week, and sure, It was so bad that I quit, took stock and was gun-ho again... for a week.
Today, not so much. My issue is that I have work to do- but balancing it with house and the people I live with... ugh.
There is no excuse for it.
I want to be inspired, I want to be driven, I want to accomplish amazing things.
Lately- piles of papers, to-do's and laundry wreck my brain and drain my drive. (and I am not even DOING these things)
I havn't been doing my 'morning work' lately. I am uninspired.
It is important to do these things, it keeps me in the Flow... but I haven't been doing them. And so, no flow.
But there are birds, and there is slight accomplishments here and there. I got Mike a car. I registered it for him. I tried making some new teas. (which I need to revamp or not bother with)
Yard work last week totally kicked my ass. How? NO CLUE.
Well, I'm lieing.
I know how come.
I know that it's because I am not living how I know to live. I am not doing those things that make my heart sing.
Gawd I don't want to be one of the lost. I want to sing, dance, be happy within self so I always shine and have over flow for others.
I think its about drainage. I think that living with a BF is VERY demanding on energy levels, that all the extra, he takes.
I cannot be resentful, there are good things. I have always tried to leave, because I wonder how good it is for me, for some one to drain my life. *sigh*
Maybe some magic and shielding is needed. Some FE's and EO's and such. and a Vision Board.
I wish the weather would warm already. I am ready.
well... worm bin wednesday.
and Shower
and basement. Yep. thats what today is.
...and laundry.

Plants

So. It's getting relatively warmer outside.
The snow is almost all melted and things are sprouting up through the ground. Theres a blustery wind today and cooler temp than other days, but the sun is still shining and yay!
Well, anyways...
I really want to feel different- Happy all the time
I see these people with beautiful things about them, Pretty hands, fun hair, smiling, laughing.
Hula Hooping, Sitting pretty.
I wonder if I am here still too long.
I am thinking that my next endevour should maybe be a greenhouse/nursery.
I love growing things. I love green sprouting things. Plants. Growing.
Not plants dead. Not the power of their healing ness, though that has it's place for sure. But it is not my part in them. My part is their growing. My part is their coming from the earth, pushing up from the dark. Their leaves reaching the sky, loving the light, getting water and food. My part is their cycle. Them flowering and going to seed- my hands are for gathering their seeds, and restarting the cycle, making their point complete. My part is in their Lives.
Anyways.... Harry Potter, Magic, things.
I am also thinking I do too much, but if I do less I get bored.
And I go to AZ in 2 weeks. Woot!