Always....

I have been living in this world as of late... it is my solace. I have been going through thought processes while watching events, taking stock. Tomorrow is my 36th Birthday. It is decision time. It is understood.
This is my life.
This is who I AM.
I very much enjoy my space here, under the stairs... it will be a shame to leave it. However. What goes around it, is not for me. It does not serve me to be in constant conflict and turmoil.
So, with this known.. watching cycles through out my lifetime, I understand.
I am watching snow fall outside my window, knowing it is part of me.. a part I do not like to own, this cold, wintry thing. But.. it is water... so, it, too, is of me. Pisces.. Fish.
I have always endeared my Piscean nature. I enjoy my whimsical-ness, my deep emotion and artistic gift. I enjoy being me.
I will be preparing for what I am going to be doing in the next few months, get everything ready. Set all the ways straight out, get the path cleared and prepared. The Universe will abide and take appropriate measures to accommodate and provide my ways and means. I appreciate that.
So, with a slightly heavy heart, I face known and understood facts. I feel sorry for what is to come, though I know it is partially understood already and prepped for, so I think the sadness comes more for myself, in the solidarity of my understood future than anything else.
I will be okay, and I will be prosperous in my endeavours. Alone.
(exception of Maggie)

(... this is how my soul feels... all of my life. This yearning I cannot describe. The same yearning the character of Snape feels. I have never been able to find the fulfillment of it. Maybe it is the idea of beauty, the idea of love, the idea of all of the mysteries that come with emotion... but it always fades. The excitement and the fullness goes.... and the yearning remains.)
I hold the responsibility and promise of my own Soul... forever in this lifewalk.

So, I am thinking about Negativity today. Not a fun place to be, but I am living with so much of it in my chest these days, that it colors my self being. I see negative posts on Facebook, and I have to hid them, delete them, something. immediately. It's too much, my soul is so filled to the top, there is no room for anything else. its almost as the water tension at the top is just big enough to hold and nothing else can be added, lest it all overflow.
This is not good.
I feel as though I need to have a conversation, but I dont know what to say. I dont know what I am meaning, because I have said what I wanted to, but it feels like there is more - though I dont think there is.
See, I have this understanding. I know that all of this 'stuff' in my chest is me- I know that it is all about me, that it is all me wanting to live alone. I know that no 'issues' are any issues but internal issues. All things stem from within. They all start with "I AM". How I feel, what I want - Me. So really, in all essence, there is no conversation to be had.
It's the same. I want to be alone, as always. Me, Maggie, Home, all in my own arranging control. And yet... Life has led me here, so now again, i am at a place where i am building life at a new angle with new tools and new ideas. 9well, save for one old idea.. the reoccurring one where the Universe always hits me in the head with a 2x4 and i have to do the same thing over and over and over again- which is what always feels like an escape. which it is not... I just need to FINALLY accept the fact, and STICK TO IT, that i do not live well with others, no matter how much i think i can 'make it work' - my grand ideas are solitary. I like to live alone. end of story. me, Maggs, Home.)
anyways. Art is going on with me, and I am hoping it sticks. I dont want to lose this one, i want to live full-soul. which is in my art. Always was an artist, always will be an artist.
now... do i have to get a full time job to be okay? Who knows... but I know what i need for me, and that is okay.
Yes, and probably a conversation... i suppose.
*sigh*

in 6 days...

I'm going to be 36 in 6 days. I am finally painting again, for real- 20 years after i initially started. 20 years have gone by so fast.. so much detail, so many things. The biggest thing i remember in New England is the house on Horne St. its almost as if i've forgotten something there. Something I was supposed to do. It's like the me-there is trying to tell the Me-Here something. She's standing there, in her short hair, and tall self and looking at me. Like- hey- you!! ....and I wish i knew what she wanted.
Well, I will.
anyway. yea..
Here I am. I am. I AM.

Owls and Wands.

This is Truth. I have been a royal yuck for a while. I have been messy and lost, seemingly hating everything and everyone. It is not who I truly am, but Life Transitions have thrown me off- and it's Winter. I do need gentleness, I do need people to ignore my screaming and kicking and just smile at me, because most likely, I will get over it.
I have been painting. Things come out of me.. and it is so good. It is like water from my soul... it is Pisces and Wild and Beautiful. I have sold 2 of my paintings and one Wand. I am working on one now that I think will be a big hit, it is really good. I can finish them in 2 days, 3 max. They are 12 x 13" on pine board, and I love them. I embellish them with seed beads and whatever else I find. I use words I like on them, sayings or songs...
I am selling them for $45 to $60 at the moment. I also want to do commissions. No requests yet, but I look forward to the scheduling of them ;) Full commission schedule until next year.

Well, more snow. It IS new England, after all. I should be use to it and see it as magical. I want to see my whole of life as Magical. ALL of it all of the time.
Snow, Birds, Feathers, Glittering anything, Soup pots bubbling, Cauldrons simmering, Jars of incantations, Decorated baubles, Maps, Wands, Exciting places, Magical faces, Learned Wise ones, Books, Cats, Hats, Butterflies, Teas, Potions, Weather, Stars, Stairs, Animals, Velvet Clothing, Goodness and Light
These are the Good things...

accepting the weights and measures of this. I need to give myself time to let it out, and be okay when drained, so I can be solidly moving forward.

..

there comes a point... i think that point is now.
i wish i could be picked up and taken from this. I want to lay down and just melt. I want to curl up with Maggie and sleep. I am broken hearted and sad. I do not want this. I want me, maggie and a job and home.
..and i think this point is now.

Koru

"The koru, which is often used in Māori art as a symbol of creation, is based on the shape of an unfurling fern frond. Its circular shape conveys the idea of perpetual movement, and its inward coil suggests a return to the point of origin. The koru therefore symbolises the way in which life both changes and stays the same."

I very much like this story. I now understand where the necklaces I see surfers wearing come from. I have always loved swirls.. They come out of my fingers like the air I breathe. If there was a symbol of my Soul.. it is the swirl.
Also.. fibonacci numbers seem to reside in this. This is a perfect Universe.