there are things.. like coffee and toast on a cloudy morning. Like Jazz and Life.
It is interesting to know, What my life is looking like now.. only having a slit view through to some light. I am working in the mental health field, and it almost seems like a perfect place for me... The people 'clients' I see come in the door every day, all day long, are my 'people... the people I have been with my whole life.. people I understand and relate to.
This quiet saturday morning is being spent looking at pieces of Soul on the computer screen... things I have loved, waitign for that spark of divine to shine through.
You see, over the past year, I have lost a lot of my own self it seems... but this is not necessarily a bad thing.
The old ways of being no longer suit me, the old things and events replayed no longer have light. they are shoes that dont fit.
So, here I sit.. Here I live, day to day.. waiting for clarity and new divine inspiration. All of the old workings have been removed, and I have to say- it is quite something to adjust to, not having a definition, a sense of self, a personae. Sure- I am an Herbalist, and I am a Mother.. but what does that now mean?
I am grateful for my new job, my new employment. It is a new start where I stay clean and talk to people all day. I am kept busy, and I am better paid than my last job/employment. I am more appreciated as well I think. It is for sure a better environment.
And I appreciate that.
Shaun is good in my life- he tries so hard with me, always presenting opportunities to spend time together, but I have to say I regulate myself. I have had experiences that tell me not to go too fast with this one. I am not ready nor do I have the capacity to give as much as in the past. What he does with that is up to him for sure. I do enjoy who he is and his company, and I am sure I confuse him. I am sure it is not easy on him, but I know what I need for myself, through the experiences I have had. I am working from a place of self preservation in this rebuild- not crisis. Just boundaries that I set for my own good, and probably his.
Maggie is away with Patrick. She enjoys her days for the most part, though cries at night. We skype each night, for about an hour. She wants to come home, not for the area but for me. I am sure she would be blissfully happy if I would agree to move back east, but for our survival I will stay here. I couldn't support us there. Now I will finally be able to get us what we need and want. And I am good with that. And I am also good with her flying back and forth to NH. I will do so as well sometime hopefully this year.
I am enjoying having quiet time, the most. I like being alone- I like reflection, and just 'being'. I enjoy coffee and looking. I like meditation and getting to the root of things..
