Plants

I have been home with a cold for the past 2 days.
It is the only time I really have in the quiet to recollect and inspire my soul's spark. And always it comes down to plants. I love the research of plants, they make me truly happy.
Plants are what stirs my soul. I can spot a plant from afar, and know what it is, zero in on it, love it and want to be with it. On the side of the road, driving by.. in a store, at someone's house, and in the wild...

I love some plants more than others for their familiarity alone - Like Comfrey. and Calendula, and St. John's Wort, and Yarrow...

I love working with them, I love growing them, tending to them, teaching about them, making medicines with them and working with them....
Yes, they make me more happy than most things.

Certainly working on someone else's dream rather than my own as of the past year... that's for sure, and it stops with the building of my own platform this year. No more working for an ugly hearted person who.. I think... needs meds... hah.

(yea, thats been bothering me a lot)

We shall see how this year unfolds as far as foundational pieces.. but one thing I do know- It's MY Turn....

(say that in a Gru voice  )

create

 A friend of Mine posted this Today- and it is a spark.
"It seems to me that while on the journey to finding a career, a lot of people from my generation are no longer just looking for a steady income, but trying to make sure they're apart of an effort that the community or country or globe will somehow benefit from.

I just read an article by Lauren Markham about a young woman named Deena Miller who owns a farm with her husband in the Sierra Nevada. She has some really beautiful things to say about why she does what she does, and what made her decide this was right for her. I absolutely love her thoughts and really admire her career choice. In fact, this is the prettiest explanation I've ever heard on farming.
"I went to college for agriculture, but the more I learned about it, the more I saw it as a tool for change. I realized that, to me, the difference between the environmental movement and growing food is that growing food is really positive. You're saying YES, instead of asking people to stop something.
"My decision to become a farmer had to do with my feeling very strongly that farming is a nexus for social, ecological, and political change.
"Here, I'm building something. And I like that. I like that we're stewards of this land, that we're building the soil and taking care of the pollinators, the bees, the birds--it's just so positive.
"What's hard is when you're so tired, and your body hurts so much, and you're so poor...But when I get down to it, I think about a conversation I had with my mom that really helped me. She asked, 'if everyone was doing what you're doing, would the world be a better place?' And the answer is, of course, yes. Yes, it would. And that's why I do it."

I can say that i love this so much, because that is why I do what I do as well. I know that my trade, My craft, my gifts change the world for the better, small pieces at a time, one life in a moment.
There is a movement for the new year on FB about your "one WORD' your mantra... Mine is Create. "CREATE"
Yes, Live fully in Creation mode. Beautiful creations.
Full Fledged creations. Life explosions of magnificence.
 Apothecary. Herb Blending, Amazing product making, Teaching Awesomeness in Creation. On all levels on all walks in all ways. Grand Creations.

It's kind of like I am putting my life back together in the way it should be, but in a whole new light. 

 

Green and Grateful

this morning is full of rebirthing ideas and ideals.
This past week I watched as a life long goal and dream crumbled in my hands. I was handed a plot of land and a house- of my own, 4 acres, 4 bedrooms.... but it was not what it had once been. And it had rotted and dissolved into dark ugliness over the years. Though those are details and rather pointless they set the solid decision of change and release. (on my part, and the owner's part)
So, now, there is an open space where that image of thought had always been... for almost 20 years.
And it feels so clear. And surprisingly good.
The events of this past week have been very positive in spite of their seemingly crushing appearance, in ways I know I don't fully understand, but In ways I Know the Universe had planned and has in beautiful store full for me. 
And in truth, I am kind of excited.
My heart is glad. In some strange way, I know all good things are here.
I was so attached to this valley for THAT land, for THAT space.
And when I went... it was like a dead prison, a place I didn't recognize in the least. It was heavy, sick and dark.
and broken.

And now released.

And what a clear feeling it is to have done so.

And I am grateful.

:)

I am, this morning, delving into roots, Feeling my source, re-membering my earth, air, fire and waters.
More Roots than anything. A beautiful song and incense and flame filled morning.
And I am Grateful.....

gifts.

I really should record these weird eye-watering, dream induced things that happen in my life. The things Universe throws at me to tell others. The pieces of information I am to pass on that I don't understand, but wish I did.
But, I forget them in time, because I have done what I am told, and I keep going..
Only the massive ones remain.
But I know I cause ripples of change via the information, and that is what I am supposed to do.
Grateful, and annoyed all at once is weird.
The anger and sadness is hard when I am too late though... *sigh*

.

there are times when I am reminded why I closed myself off for the last 19 years....

So much more...

There is so much more.
So many things I never knew I could be, or be part of or ways I would react, or be reacted to.
I deserve this.
I enjoy this.
I am enough for this.
I am looking forward to this. Every day.

Today, I am feeling well, I feel like myself a bit, and a pull. I have been working for someone else's dream lately -  I had forgotten my own. I only remembered that I once had one, and what it sort of looked like. I remembered it was there, but that I was so very tired.
But in working on someone else's dream, I have remembered my own... my own whys and whats. I remember the smell of the things I love, I remember their colors.
I am looking very much forward to being fully in that dream again. Fully in my own shoes. Fully in my own space and time of creation.
And this is good.

I am no longer scared of the world crashing down, I am comfortable as of late. I feel as though I have been gifted sanctuary in life. I am grateful for that.
I am grateful to recognize the worth of all that is good, and to understand the why of all that is not, and to move through it in love and trust.

I have much positivity presently.
I have many gifts in my life.
I AM.

sunrise

Sunrise.
Coffee.
Birds.
Cool Air.
I think what I miss the most about NH is being able to grow anything. The plants.
Of course, the people too...
But the plants.
I am very much lately realizing I have, in the readjustment phase of this massive move to Az, left out of my life much of the rituals that make my life very enjoyable. I have numbed out of my daily plant watering, singing kitchen food preparation, joyful medicine making, candle burning things.
I Push them off until 'we get out to the house'. I know that is not rite, but I don't feel like this household, under these circumstances, is the way and place to settle in and let Magic abound. I think these thoughts, even though I know I would give the opposite advice to anyone I would talk to about it in their own life.
Guess I am just a one-woman household lover.(or something to that effect.) There really is only room for my own female presence (and Maggie's of course) in the kitchen and home... rather strong personality.
Anyways, I am very much looking forward to finding my sweet spot again. I miss it, and I feel pieces of it drift in here and there. I do little things, I have candles in my room, and keep rosemary around, and incense in my room.
But.. I very much look forward to having this for my whole of my surroundings - my home, our home. I am very much looking to get back to my spiritual center. Fire in the Autumn reminding of the harvest, Fire in the Winter to create glow, Sprouting tendrils in the spring, and eding those sprouts in the summer...
Reconnection with my loving earth, with the laughing expanse of sky, with the fullness of my heart. Incenses and Mortar and Pesil, Jars of life force, pots bubbling on the stove, sharing knowledge with others. Birds and dogs, Open expanse of land.
Goodness.

.....light and humble bravery.

"You're beautiful enough, Dawn.

You're special enough.

You're sexy, playful, and fun enough.

You've worked enough.

You've cried enough.

You've been grateful, generous, and kind enough.

Okay, then?
    The Universe




...I'm not the one who needs convincing, Dawn, nor have I been the one holding it back, dude. Love yourself as we love you."

peace

I am very much looking forward to 'going home'. I am daydreaming of what I will do to the house, and the land. I am looking forward to being grounded, to feeling free and at peace. I am waiting, but I am pushing.
Is it time yet?
I have been listening to Pagan Music lately, and it is really touching my soul. Chants of goddess, earth and seasons.
It is good.
I am solitary, I hide in my bedroom quite a bit when My family is alone, the older I get the more I want peace and calm and quiet. Candle flame and Feather.
Soon I will walk through my home in solitude and peace.
and For that I am grateful.

sending

Sending Maggie to school every day, really makes me question sending Maggie to school every day... She hates it. Would she be better home schooled? But then where would she interact with other kids?
*sigh*
well... we shall see.

chickens and sky

so then there's this...
It's something that, like traveling, I won't get excited about until I step foot on the property... but. I am starting to voice it-
Scott and Terry have given me care-taking of the house and land out sycamore road for the next 8 years.
I will have a 4 bed 3 bath 'house' (we built it from two trailers way back when), and 4 acres to myself and Maggie, for minimal rent and utilities.
It is heated with a woodstove.
It has a little greenhouse.
I can have my chickens.
It is on well water.
It abuts forest land.
It is my most favorite place on earth.

I am in shock.

I am excited for it.

I want it all to hurry up and happen.

We are waiting to see when the renters that the current care takers put in are moving out. Then, Josh an I will go out and see the land, assess the house and make sure all things are livable. Depending on time and weather I will split my time between my current rental and the new house, riding out the lease while I get the new house ready.

I have wanted this house for all of my life, and not because of some materialistic 'this house is so beautiful' idea... because it is home, because I am in love with the land, because I am in love with the sky. This is home, and it is where I learned what family is. This place has a feel, and a smell to it.. of home. A scent that a few times over the course of the time I have been away I have gotten whiffs of and it has brought my soul great peace... from thousands of miles away.

and now, even though I don't want to get excited because of the fear of it not happening, I get to go home.. I get my own home, for 8 springs, 8 winters, 8 birthdays and Yule seasons...
..... and chickens. I get to have chickens.
I will finally be able to put my appothecary back together, and get all of my supplies back. I will carve spoons and have a potters wheel and kiln. I will teach and grow food.
Magic will be in it's correct place.....

feet

I feel like i am finding my feet again in this life lately.
I guess it really *is* single life that does me so well. i knew it before, but it just shows with the centeredness in me that its a truth.
i am very much enjoying my valley lately, the way the clouds play with the hills and mountains.. the shadows and light. Changing seasons do me well.
I do look forward ot the solitude of living alone one day, (well, with maggie)
and yes, i know it is because i have that choice.
life has been being... life. and that is okay.
i am getting caught up on things and working towards my goal of having my truck running great. Maggie is healthy as am I, things are all base of good.
And yes, I would like to keep it this way.
Thanks ;)

Light walking.

there are days... when my existence is so surreal. When what I see in the sidebar vibration is almost unbelievable.
But it is real. The conduit exists.
And I am grateful for it.
For all of what it is worth.. I appreciate it.
For Fadgie
For Artie
For Zeke
Those are only the recent ones.. but they are there and they are strong.
Some are there to change my view, to bring pictures clear. Some are there to help others in ways I cannot grasp, and some are just there.
I gladly accept the burden of the unknown and make it known.
I have known it was my job since mid teen age years.
I collect souls.
It is what I do.
..and the universe hands me what to give them.

...don't ask me, I'm just improvising.




And he made the impression on me. A lasting mark that never fades. He gave the measure to all of those after him, and not one can fill the shoes- not one can stand as tall.
And so forever this way I walk, grateful for the lessons, being molded to this light-walking-carbon.

research...

Doing some research (helped rite along by the Universe of course... always being helped by the Universe)...

"Melancholy
The second subject I want to discuss is the difference between depression and melancholy.  The latter is an old fashioned word, nowadays, and when it is used it is often mixed up with depression.  This is important in both Chinese and Greek medicine, where emotions are associated with organ systems and paid much attention to from a clinical diagnostic standpoint.  Depression proper comes from a loss of something.  Friendship, love, the ability to spend time with or communicate with a person.  Money, valued possessions, emotional important possessions.  It is related to grief and it is associated with the lungs.  The heaviness of grief falls upon the chest.  Melancholy, on the other hand, is not a form of depression per se, but a type of brooding or pensiveness where one is locked up within oneself, within the imagination.  One broods, turns over thought again and again in the imagination.  The melancholic is stuck in their imagination; can’t think their way out, can’t think of a solution to their problem.  This causes them to be too introspective, introverted, and cut off from the world.  We don’t use the word “melancholy” too much anymore.  The closest thing we have in modern English is the concept of “artistic funk.”  The artist can’t imagination another great work of art, can’t imagine how to be creative."

Matthew Wood, MSc (Herbal Medicine), Registered Herbalist (AHG)

 

"Herbs are incredible tools to help facilitate our healing process both physically and energetically. However, it is even more important to do our best to explore the deeper causes behind depression. Past trauma is often an issue, as is living one’s life primarily from a mental perspective and/or based on fear rather than living in the moment, following our heart, and connecting with and living in alignment with our life’s purpose. For most of us, much of our stress, anxiety and depression results from stories we tell ourselves which are often out of proportion with our actual life situations. Buying into the consumerist dogma and slaving away to accumulate material possessions, or being on call 24/7 via cell phones, text messages, Twitter, Facebook and all our other social networking addictions, which create an illusion of connection while actually distracting us from our real life that is right in front of us, also creates more stress and disconnectedness in our lives that can contribute to depression. We need time to just be quiet and present, free of the sensory overload that consumes so much of our lives. Connection to nature is also necessary for our well-being, as is good quality relationships with our fellow human beings. On this level counseling and various meditation and other disciplines that help us to live more in the present and develop a deeper level of self-awareness are often an important part of the healing process; as is spending more time in nature."

Michael Vertolli, Herbalist, Director of Living Earth School of Herbalism

 

 

coyotes

Via Arizona Highways today this caption-
"It's Tuesday. Channel this coyote and get after it, people. Photograph by Peggy Coleman."

...And I think.. "Okay, but get after what?" 

I dont really have any direction. I don't know what I want to do. I am still directionless. I do have a job, and I do love my plants, and I love my kiddo. I have a place to reside, and my truck is still going (though needs work, that will get done when I get paid next) I have inklings, and I am making a few life decisions, so I suppose I am clearing and building quietly and slowly.
so.. yea...
and aren't coyotes the tricksters? so would this be office antics?

saw a city in the fog...

It's amazing what can happen when the world around me is quiet...
I feel things that are drown out by all of the noise, activity and confusion around me.
I really am believing that I need to be alone for my life to be rite.
I woke up with this in my head-

Sting... All this time.
I looked out across the River today....

I also am finding myself feeling like an angsty teenager. I am rejecting of opinions, I am annoyed with modern society again. The ignorance of some of the modern society dwellers frustrates me. I think it comes from working where I have the past 2 weeks. Back with the people I understand and relate to, no matter how I do or don't want to.

I have much to think on lately, and I am very grateful today is only Saturday. I enjoy being alone more and more and more  as the days go on. (maggie is my only exception).
I think that I have said this in one form or another in this blog many times over in the life of it. If I'd pull the data, I could easily come to a logical conclusion. And based on that, form my life.
hm.
I looked out across.....

just slightly

What do I Love? Do I even know anymore?
      I have to really question more and more what is what. I don't have that 'Spark', that drive..
It very well could be that I am, for sure, just having a down time to clear, but at times its worrisome. It is unnerving because of where I have been and what I have done. I know what it is like to do amazing things, to feel the rush of inspiration, the joy of accomplishment.
     I don't feel that light presently. I suppose it is okay, because I do notice it is missing, which tells me I long for it in a minute way. In that, I know it will return...
I know I want to find what I love.
I know I want to be inspired... ans thus, I know it is okay..

....Just slightly not what I am use to.

Be Easy....

there are things.. like coffee and toast on a cloudy morning. Like Jazz and Life.
It is interesting to know, What my life is looking like now.. only having a slit view through to some light. I am working in the mental health field, and it almost seems like a perfect place for me... The people 'clients' I see come in the door every day, all day long, are my 'people... the people I have been with my whole life.. people I understand and relate to.
This quiet saturday morning is being spent looking at pieces of Soul on the computer screen... things I have loved, waitign for that spark of divine to shine through.
You see, over the past year, I have lost a lot of my own self it seems... but this is not necessarily a bad thing.
The old ways of being no longer suit me, the old things and events replayed no longer have light. they are shoes that dont fit.
So, here I sit.. Here I live, day to day.. waiting for clarity and new divine inspiration. All of the old workings have been removed, and I have to say- it is quite something to adjust to, not having a definition, a sense of self, a personae. Sure- I am an Herbalist, and I am a Mother.. but what does that now mean?
I am grateful for my new job, my new employment. It is a new start where I stay clean and talk to people all day. I am kept busy, and I am better paid than my last job/employment. I am more appreciated as well I think. It is for sure a better environment.
And I appreciate that.
Shaun is good in my life- he tries so hard with me, always presenting opportunities to spend time together, but I have to say I regulate myself. I have had experiences that tell me not to go too fast with this one. I am not ready nor do I have the capacity to give as much as in the past. What he does with that is up to him for sure. I do enjoy who he is and his company, and I am sure I confuse him. I am sure it is not easy on him, but I know what I need for myself, through the experiences I have had. I am working from a place of self preservation in this rebuild- not crisis. Just boundaries that I set for my own good, and probably his.
Maggie is away with Patrick. She enjoys her days for the most part, though cries at night. We skype each night, for about an hour. She wants to come home, not for the area but for me. I am sure she would be blissfully happy if I would agree to move back east, but for our survival I will stay here. I couldn't support us there. Now I will finally be able to get us what we need and want. And I am good with that. And I am also good with her flying back and forth to NH. I will do so as well sometime hopefully this year.
I am enjoying having quiet time, the most. I like being alone- I like reflection, and just 'being'. I enjoy coffee and looking. I like meditation and getting to the root of things..

ponds..

I reel against consumerism. I reel against TV and 12+ lighbulbs on in one room. I reel against boxes prepack plastic 'food'.
I want quiet.
I want real food.
I want a lamp and a book.
I'm tired of noise, I grow weary of the same stupid things being said over and over.
I am weary from being uncomfortable. Sleeping is my enemy via my body and bed at continual odds.
I shut down in the face of commitment, feeling squelched by having to be responsive to someone else's needs and wants, outside of the child I made.
I KNOW that I can be this way, I know it is okay to be alone. I know quiet is healthy. I know depth is seen in still waters, and from reflection of those waters art is born of soul.

So here, my tired bones sit, wanting quiet solitude....

.

the house feels energetically different this morning. it's not a bad thing, but it is noticeable. Its quiet.. and calm.. and different.
and that is okay. and the monsoons are starting. July first, like clockwork.
That, is a beautiful thing.

Air.

LONGEST FUCKING NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
my child has landed safely in Boston.
as soon as I get the phone call from her, I will crash into a fit of sleep.... I hope.

new shoes

 

Pretty soon Maggie will be gone. She will be with her father for 6 weeks, Playing with her  friends, seeing family. They will all marvel at her growth....

And I will be here, at home. Quietly.

I will be contemplating Who I Am, and Changing it piece by piece. I want to be this image. I want to wear shoes I like and be comfortable- without thinking of the fit or the practicality. I want to remember my core. I want to be fascinating to myself.

I want to engulf in art, messily until 2 am and come out clean. 

I want to be happy in my skin, I want to laugh and Sing. 

I have plans for the coming year, things are manifesting that I have always wished for. Lots to do then, and in the mean time, live. Try to fill each day with goodness and beauty.

I will have my hands in the dirt at the farm, and I will paint. 

I am finding that the old way of doing things, the old ways means and routines dont work for me any more. Production of goods that are old and stale no longer interests me. I have needed a break, forcing things just makes them tedious and resentful.

So quiet I will be. And good it feels. 

I have needed some new shoes anyways....

Me

Sitting outside with the birds I think a bit about what is important to me. I think on what I really want to be doing. And really, this is all I want to be doing. Being at ease. I dot want to think on production, on things I've committed to doing for others, bills.. 

I just want to be. If I create, I create. If I go somewhere it's because it was an easy decision. Not a stressful one. 

I want to tend my gardens at home. I want to talk with friends easily on the porch. I want quiet morning coffee and laughter grilled dinners. 

I want to watch the monsoons roll in and identify birds. 

I don't care for the outside world, the games and keeping up with the cool kids. I'm not much one for pop culture and the latest trends. Electronics are cool for what they are good for. 

I look forward to chopping wood and tending the fire when it's cold, feeding the chickens and turning the compost. 

Yep. 

That's me. 

surrender

Tonight I am angry.
Tonight I was told my best isn't good enough.
Tonight I hurt.. because I know it is all I can do.
I work every day in a place that isn't good for my heart and probably bad for my health.... to do my best.
I gave my daughter the best home I can, I feed her and make sure she is a happy as I can help with.
...and it's not good enough.
Patrick doesn't know, he doesn't understand. He just wants what he wants.
And Matt has cancer. And people don't want it known, we cannot help because people are being selfish and mean.
And i just want to cry
for hours and hours.
and I want someone to hand me $500 to get maggie a plane ticket to NH
And I want to be able to help raise money for the kids to go to their sick father.


And I am sitting here. Typing, Hurt, Sad and Angry.

cricket song

My moon is playing in the high desert branches tonight. Crickets are singing her a song.

I have a few quiet moments while the family is out and so here I sit in twilight with Bats and a dog.

I have noticed Manifestations are strong here, in this new life. I did ask for some quiet time on the way home from work, silently, almost without hope... but.

Ive noticed it in other ways, too... and I am enjoying it. I would like to have more energy to enjoy it with. I think I am still recouperating from ... life?
But it's okay. Things are happening..  Good things.. things I have only dreamed of in the past are seemingly coming to fruition.
It's pretty neat.
I  have yet to figure out the business thing. Yea.. there's something different supposed to be happening, I just haven't found the spark of what that is yet. So, I will continue to do little things and wait.

Because I know it will be amazing... and completely in the flow.. whatever it is.

I am enjoying the cool desert nights of early summer. I also enjoy the dry heat.. no mugginess.

I am very close to getting Maggie her ticket to NH. A week away or so. :)
That is relieving.

yep. good.

Illumination.

Grateful this morning for my gifts and talents (but Boy sometimes do they make life confusing)

Western life.

I found myself having swirling recognizing thoughts in my half sleep this morning. Thoughts about crsis mode and how it has etched it's way into my everyday being.

See, today I don't have anything that I need to do- it is a free day. No kids to baby sit, no errands to run or bills to think about. I don't have any pressing cleaning to do- it is just a free day. But because my life has been so chaotic and upset for so many years, I've forgotten what a calm stress free day feels like. I am so conditioned to being on edge and needing to accomplish this or that, that my immediate way of being is to look for the stress points and work from there. 

Maybe today I can feel my way through to resetting that to always looking for the ease and good and have THAT be my normal set point. 

In other news, cowboy is integrating. I am seeing someone who I would never imagined in a million years I would even remotely have been interested in. We are going slow and that is good. Week 3. 

Gardens are good, will be getting more seed and plants here soon. I really enjoy my time at the farm. 

Well. That's all. 

Enjoying the birds and sun and ease. 

Tired. And true.

We're both tired. Of course I'm scared. How could it be as correct? When I've thought other things were... But all the things I recognize are there. 

Breathe.

But she and I. We are tired.  We need this to be true. 

Leaves

I am seeing how New England has affected me.
It has changed my longings...
for leaves
and autumn
and zen gardens
and trees
and moss
and grass.
I do not like the cold weather for sure.. but this year I will miss the changing seasons.
I don't see myself living here for eternity.
The only way I would is if I was gifted the Poole Place. (or moved to Oak Creek Canyon... maybe)
I do not want to return to New Hampshire, but northern west coast is looking mighty fine.
I am seeing that I cannot create my life in the same manner it has been in the past, recreation of the same is not something that should be done.
And that is okay. 
It's like gleaning out the 'Who I Really Am' points and arranging them in a new and pleasing pattern.
for sure.

Sunlit path

So. I've been engulfed in some shitty ugliness at my job. It is really making me feel like junk. I am not doing my good soul-purpose work even though I like my job and coworkers.

It is very unhealthy for me. My soul is feeling very disconnected and rampantly chaotic from it. Like a scared rabbit in a dark wood. 

This is what happens when we don't follow our own light. My soul is currently not someone I know, it is part of a strange mass of lost things being pushed along in drama games. 

So, knowing this it is to end. It is to change. 

There is a slight comfort in knowing what I have been immersed In. What is a true comfort is knowing who I truly am and that I can gain a place in my own experience where footing is solid and the light returns to the path. 

Realignment and stepping back to my glad place begins tonight. 

And for it I am grateful. 

Dead ends and Magic

When I seemingly hit a dead end I weep and go through my emotions. 

And then I remember my magic. This evening has been something of a checks and balance time. Weighing what my personal system and beliefs in power are vs what I am doing in life presently. 

And tonight I did some magic for the forward movement 

My business needs to be put back together. It is time. I've said it now I've set the motion. 

Under my blessedly beautiful dry dusty desert moon.....

  

I set intentions and asked Raven for her help....

And released the how's to the Universal Magic of I Am. 

And in perfect love and perfect trust I know the funding for sun moon stars herbals restart and restock of supplies comes and starts NOW. 

Amen and Thank You. ;)

Fuck this.

I am currently livid. And disappointed and upset. My current employer is such a fucking nutcase that I can no longer handle it. She's threatened me one too many times. Today I was informed by a co worked that she said I had best wear my hardest armor tomorrow because of something I did wrong. I don't even know what it was. 

Something about 7mm bezels. And that someone is going to die if this shit doesn't stop fucking happening. 

I don't even know what I did wrong.

I am looking for a new job. 

Sunday

so, I know that being in a new place is scary, and always has doubts. Ive been here almost 6 months. I've been working and Maggie has been in school, we've moved and had to make a new community for ourselves. I know it took me at least a year to even start to find my good friends in NH. Of course I have doubts. I am rather uninspired as of yet. I have seen and done so much, nothing is really new and exciting, though there are times when I am so grateful for the sunshine and warm. Finally I am out of the dark- and FINALLY I can house and feed us. (barely- but it's getting better).
I miss K, and I miss Brandon, and I miss Eliza.. and I miss the trees and my little Rollinsford community, but. I don't feel like a failure anymore. I don't feel completely stuck and in a dead end.
i am just waiting for inspiration now.
and I we need to figure out this whole school issue with Maggie. the one she is going to is NOT working for us.
anyways.
People here that I have yet to meet are SO different than what I am use to. New England people are RUMORED to be ugly and rude. heh. I think NE has been pigeonholed into BOSTON... or New York. Cause what people think of all of NE is just Massholes driving. ;) New Englanders are genuine. They aren't catty and selfish. Rather communal people who hold each other accountable for their actions. Nice to see.
Interesting to have the comparison.
I want to go to Unity of the Valley today. I am wanting to be brave and go.. but Maggie doesn't want to, and Erica isn't home to hang with her. Oi.
I'll get there. I need to find my own new community, the spiritual one I am use to. Those who get who I am and what I know.
I do love sitting in the sun. I have to say.
And I got an English Long Bow 2 days ago. I LOVE it.
Love. not just kind of.
well.. birds and sun. :)

Jeez.

I think new Hamphire spoiled me. I think that this valley is pretty but full of flipping nut cases. I've not encountered this much drama in my life. It's insanity. I am really missing my nh community. Heh are normal. 

Yep.

Boy was I wrong. 

Engaged. And it happened a while ago

....it's going to take a very long time to adjust. And then to learn a new person as well as I knew pat. 

daffodil dreaming.

so, tonight is better. Maggie spent the day at Jenn's, and despite supposedly spending the night over there, is peacefully tucked into her bed in the next room over.
heh.
and she had a good day. and that does my heart good.
I talked to Jenn and Meg about my fears today, and Jenn reassured me that kids 'bounce back' and to give it time, she will be okay. I am grateful to have good people in my life, especially other women who understand kids. it's good, for me and maggie.
Today was easy at work, no troubles with the director. dictator. what have you. some days I want to call her nothing more than tyrant. But.. she is human. and I try to remember she lives in fear of her world crashing. I just wish she could let go and flow and be okay and happy.
meh. whateva'
so.. i am also intrigued. Probably over nothing.. but.. Pat asked what time it was here vs there.. after i reminded him he was *still* on the phone with me (he usually tries to get away from talking to me asap every phone call...), and then he asked me if i am working tomorrow.. and what time.
..he never does that. Maybe he was just thinking of calling?
and of course my brain goes waaaay far out left field.
(and goes over and over details.. like Erica saying 'He's NOT living with us'. after I told her i thought he was acting weird..)
meh. It's probably nothing and I'll probably be disappointed tomorrow night, but it's nice to day dream.
Maggie would be so over the moon and I think I would cry and cry and cry if ... well..
whatever. I'll just go to sleep on that thought.
I'm grateful for Maggie having a good day, and my fears being numbed tonight about her.

..

the only regret I have about coming back here is that Maggie has no friends yet. it's been months. She has some at school, I suppose...
We were spoiled in Rollinsford. We had an amazing community, but I could not sustain there... I couldn't keep us above water. Here, I can support us- I can feed and home us. It was not possible there :/
I thought we found a neighborhood friend... turns out not so much.
Poor Maggie, it breaks my heart. I just want to send her home.
More like I just want to send her to Karen's, where I know she will be loved, and cared for. Where I know she can go back to her friends and her home.
Sigh.
I am so sad for her. I pray every day she adjusts... but it's not happening. Maybe she needs a new school. Maybe we need a new community (Unity has a church here, and one in Sedona...) Maybe all of these other things...
but all I want is for her to be happy.
and she was-
in New Hampshire.
:/
I wasn't.
breaks my heart.

oh yea...

Tomorrow is my birthday.
I just remembered. I hope something surprisingly good happens. Patrick use to bring me 100 stems of daffodils. It was very nice. I miss those things.
I had a really good weekend with the family... it is coming to a close, from my little room.
The weather has been warm, no shoes and t-shirts. I got some sun today while I finished my book. I am still not at ease, not quite settled here.. I think that will take some time. I do wish I had taken the dog and child for a walk today.
Everyone was a bit under the weather today- we all ate something bad or have caught the bug going around.. Maggie was pukey all morning.
I got my shovel and rake today.. and some calendula plants!! yay!! now for Loam and Pallets. :)
I am sure I had more to say... but at the moment... I am just glad to be okay...
:)

difference

There is a difference between here and there.. then and now. It's like the difference between being in college at a dorm and being home with mom and dad where your laundry gets done.
I am home. in my family's comfort and my laundry is getting done.
See... In New England, I always had this itching drive to do something, to get things done, to do more and strive towards something - some goal, some huge 'better than now'.
 I was searching for something to fill a space - if i could just.. (insert whatever here)... I would feel content. I would get to that place of ease and comfort. But no matter what I did.. that itch was still there. There was never enough- 'nope, this isn't it EITHER'.. and I'd move onto something else.

But now. Now I don't feel that way at all. Now I am calm. My chest isn't frantic, I am not scared all of the time,  or upset or sad or longing and missing. I just AM. Yes, there is the money thing, but I don't let it over throw my life. It's a couple months worth of deposits and it's Maggie's plane tickets, but it's okay. I have a job. I have a home. (which I have to say both are taking some time getting use to. There is that underlying panic that everything is going to fall apart at any minute. I've had someone else to rely on for so many years, coming back to self-reliance is a little unnerving.) But.. at least I am home, and my proverbial laundry is getting done.
 And I am always surprised at the goodness of outcomes around me. I suppose I am use to New England's helpfulness, but I really didn't expect it here, from people. It's new, and good, and ... Nice.
And I am grateful.

Sunday

I am kind of loving Japanese Gardens today..

Yes I know I have moved to the Desert, but I have seen amazing places tucked into ravines where little creeks flow and make oasis homes. So, I know it can be done here. 

 I love the feel of the Zen Ease and almost lushness of the rocks and plants. I love the cool green cover. I will be doing this.

And fountains... and Birdfeeders.  

 

I am very much looking forward to moving into the new house. I am looking forward to the expansion, and the goodness of it. The cooking, the birds, the outside, the seemingly expanse of it. There won't be road noise there, either... which is nice. We will have space to paint, produce, sit easily and just Be. 

I am grateful for how we have been, to be honest, it's not bad here in the apartment, it's just a lot of shuffling. We make it work, and it works fine, but The new house is going to be more fun. 

I will be looking for windows to build a greenhouse, and I will be doing raised garden beds as well as recycled gardening, like gutters and pallets. 

I think it is going to be very good and very comfortable for a good long time. 

And that makes me happy.

Grateful to be

There was a time when I was very proud. When I would do things for show and ego boost. A time in life when flashing my colors loudly to attract spark and awe was how I got my rush. 

Now, in the quiet and calm I get my fill from moments that catch my breath- moments of insight, moments of laughter-  beautiful moments. 

And I am so grateful to be here. 

I look forward

I Look forward to things.. 

Hand Crafted things...

 

Medicinal things...

 

Green, Growing, Health Filled, Vibrant things.. 

 Beautiful, Whimsical things...

 Sustainable, purposeful things...

Delicious things.

 I look forward to harvesting the beautiful energy of the things I grow, the things my hands have made, the things my heart has loved. I look forward to such good things.