new shoes

 

Pretty soon Maggie will be gone. She will be with her father for 6 weeks, Playing with her  friends, seeing family. They will all marvel at her growth....

And I will be here, at home. Quietly.

I will be contemplating Who I Am, and Changing it piece by piece. I want to be this image. I want to wear shoes I like and be comfortable- without thinking of the fit or the practicality. I want to remember my core. I want to be fascinating to myself.

I want to engulf in art, messily until 2 am and come out clean. 

I want to be happy in my skin, I want to laugh and Sing. 

I have plans for the coming year, things are manifesting that I have always wished for. Lots to do then, and in the mean time, live. Try to fill each day with goodness and beauty.

I will have my hands in the dirt at the farm, and I will paint. 

I am finding that the old way of doing things, the old ways means and routines dont work for me any more. Production of goods that are old and stale no longer interests me. I have needed a break, forcing things just makes them tedious and resentful.

So quiet I will be. And good it feels. 

I have needed some new shoes anyways....

Me

Sitting outside with the birds I think a bit about what is important to me. I think on what I really want to be doing. And really, this is all I want to be doing. Being at ease. I dot want to think on production, on things I've committed to doing for others, bills.. 

I just want to be. If I create, I create. If I go somewhere it's because it was an easy decision. Not a stressful one. 

I want to tend my gardens at home. I want to talk with friends easily on the porch. I want quiet morning coffee and laughter grilled dinners. 

I want to watch the monsoons roll in and identify birds. 

I don't care for the outside world, the games and keeping up with the cool kids. I'm not much one for pop culture and the latest trends. Electronics are cool for what they are good for. 

I look forward to chopping wood and tending the fire when it's cold, feeding the chickens and turning the compost. 

Yep. 

That's me. 

surrender

Tonight I am angry.
Tonight I was told my best isn't good enough.
Tonight I hurt.. because I know it is all I can do.
I work every day in a place that isn't good for my heart and probably bad for my health.... to do my best.
I gave my daughter the best home I can, I feed her and make sure she is a happy as I can help with.
...and it's not good enough.
Patrick doesn't know, he doesn't understand. He just wants what he wants.
And Matt has cancer. And people don't want it known, we cannot help because people are being selfish and mean.
And i just want to cry
for hours and hours.
and I want someone to hand me $500 to get maggie a plane ticket to NH
And I want to be able to help raise money for the kids to go to their sick father.


And I am sitting here. Typing, Hurt, Sad and Angry.

cricket song

My moon is playing in the high desert branches tonight. Crickets are singing her a song.

I have a few quiet moments while the family is out and so here I sit in twilight with Bats and a dog.

I have noticed Manifestations are strong here, in this new life. I did ask for some quiet time on the way home from work, silently, almost without hope... but.

Ive noticed it in other ways, too... and I am enjoying it. I would like to have more energy to enjoy it with. I think I am still recouperating from ... life?
But it's okay. Things are happening..  Good things.. things I have only dreamed of in the past are seemingly coming to fruition.
It's pretty neat.
I  have yet to figure out the business thing. Yea.. there's something different supposed to be happening, I just haven't found the spark of what that is yet. So, I will continue to do little things and wait.

Because I know it will be amazing... and completely in the flow.. whatever it is.

I am enjoying the cool desert nights of early summer. I also enjoy the dry heat.. no mugginess.

I am very close to getting Maggie her ticket to NH. A week away or so. :)
That is relieving.

yep. good.