A Sunday

Not like other Sundays.
Today I do my first house party. I use to get excited about these things, thinking they were massive milestones.
Now, they are just things. I really should give them more of my joy, but I cannot at the moment, I am hoping that at least doing them is enough to keep them going rite now.
My gut. I have this pull, this digging feeling of deep earth.. Its hard to breathe.
How did it come to this? I feel unreal... like a daydream.
I am always on the edge of speaking.
I cannot. I must not.
Work my own ways. Do my own path, hold up Maggie and I - Pave my way.
Know the Known and deal as best as I can with the rest. Distract myself. Find things to keep my attention until the next breath of air I am gifted.

I never could have imagined such a thing... 10 years and this is what it comes to. My hope is that this experience is only for learning to appreciate. Learning that once the actual Peace is in hand and heart, It will be always cherished. Always appreciated... remember. Never forget this pain, this lack of air, this continual drowning.
At least today I am not crying.
But my heart is like a lump of mud. Dull and Difficult.

Distraction...
I have huge dreams and I am praying.

..

Imagine Dragons.... Radioactive
and the depression of feared loss is setting in.
SHIT.
not tonight.. not now, I have opportunity, I dont want to shut down.
Please not now.. not now...
such confusion.
please leave me alone - I see why people drink.
This is so difficult.
fuck. if i could sleep now to dull it until tomorrow i would.
but i can't i need to keep working.. i need to be okay. i want to be okay.
find a spark.. find a one good thing.. Reach, Woman... REACH GODDAMNIT IT!
reach. find it. what?
pumpkins? a scarf.....
this pit. my soul. i need to heal. i need to be okay. Maybe i need to sleep.
too bad i wont...

Today, I saw this photo...
after I had been daydreaming of hopping a train to Boston.. just to go, just to be, just to feel the City.

I love doing that. It has been almost 10 years since I have.
I was discussing "spark Loss" with a friend Yesterday... to a slight degree. I have very much been a dulled spark for a while, ...quite a while. I am wanting to hop trains and go to the city, I am wanting to sit up late at night and do art or projects, I want coffee, I want to look good.
T-Shirts and Jeans... how boring. I want to buy new shoes. (Mine are all so old and dirty and un-feminine.) no High Heels, but something clean and decent would be nice.
The weather has cooled today, this morning is nice. The thunderstorms yesterday watered the gardens, which are doing well. Its a good thing.
As far as my soul goes... well - who knows. oh... I do. that's right.
I can only do for me. I do have wishes and wants, but I cannot control others experience here in this walk, so I have to be here, and do my best to make it enjoyable for ME. I have a stable home for the time being, a work room, a dear female friend, my daughter and food to eat. I have the base for amazing business workings- which will bring income - and those nice shoes I want.
so.
Just gonna do my best to give the spark oxygen and turn it from a spark to a sparkling flame. :)
...that rides a train to Boston.

Rainy SUnday...

It's a Rainy Sunday with a Super Moon.
all of this talk of Super Moon... Howling, 'join us for the super moon..'
like we could miss it. I now know why my feelings are so intense, it is said to bring up buried truths, to wrench things from you to look at. ooooOOOoooh... well then. Gee, thanks.
Did the garden tour, wishing I wasn't brain dead all the time. I am brain dead because of these allergies and being unhappy. The only way I am going to be happy is to DECIDE to be happy- to fill my time with good things that make me happy, that feed MY OWN soul.
I am seeing things as I look, happiness of others, things they bring to one another, things that are not of me or mine.
It is hard to stand in a position of knowing that my current situation is not rite for me, but waiting to see what is. I've spoken my piece, I am at a full circle in these things. I have more to say, and would like to be able to release and let all be happy. I never went through my own pain with my relationship to Patrick. I am so use to him being in my life that the absence of him makes me scared and sad. Is it just the familiarity? He seems so happy with his current life. I want him to be happy.. I never want him to hurt again. We both went through so much pain, it was so deteriorating.
So, is he right for me? In security- yes, in lifestyle.. no. He is with someone who likes the things he likes - the cheerleader, hair and nails, american society person. Malls, TV etc. Me? I am of a different persuasion. Soul, Energy, Earth... As much as I would love to have a nice house, neat clothes, be clean... I most likely will spend days chopping wood for my wood stove and humming as I bake bread.
so... I am needing to find my own center, to make my own path. To Be happy Now.. as he said.
He did it. I will look to him for example and smile. He is happy. And that is what is good.

Olive Juice.

All of these songs I have avoided for so many many years- the things I would shut out in anger (my beloved cover..) 'oh, how stupidly sappy..'  I would say. 'He's so dumb'.
They get me. Every day now. I cannot run away from them fast enough. I cannot get away far enough. They seep in. As I walk through TV filled rooms... as they follow me from hidden speakers in Grocery's Ceilings... in Waiting rooms and Convenience stores. I wake from restless sleep eyes stinging with them in my head.
"Say what you need to say..." you would jokingly sing at me. How could I? Whenever I did it came out screaming hurt.
Now.. Every day I stay alone. Once the realization hit, I had to hide. I cry.
...But at least I know WHY I cry now.
So, I suppose that part is okay. (in some horrid evil way)
People drink to numb themselves... If I were to drink, I would lament the truth from my soul like a thousand winds of the highest mountains...
And I could kill us all in the process. 
..So I wait.
And I remorse.. I am so sorry.
I hold a box of a thousand band-aids the size of infinite elephant shoes...

This time..

Now it is seemingly my turn to hurt. For the first time since I was 17. Is this just for lesson or reminding? Is this real? It feels so real it cuts to the bone. It removes my breath and refuses to let me eat. I sleep minimally and cry often. My eyes are so tired and my soul is so worn. I just want it all better.
Please fix this.
I am so sorry.
I didn't know.
Make it better... you always have before- you always know how.
See what careless love can do?