Here in this land I Love. So much. I dream..
Just to lay and trace the side of a cheek bone.. to feel the muscles in an arm... to shoulder.. to collar bone. Feel softness of hair recently trimmed, wonder what is dreamed of beneath closed eyes. To Know the swell of warmth in chest-too-small to hold the immensity of the emotion. To watch, Holding baited breath for the next signal, the next move.. if only for a moment. Casual and Calm walk beside, rush of frantic run behind as if to not miss a beat. Wanting only to give any and all for a smile, just a laugh. Its worth it.. in minute amounts, for the end result. Cherished, Blessed, Attentive to detail.. all for all.
You need a house... and me. You would be the happiest man alive... for all eternity.
... and I wonder if you question the sanity or the reality of such a thing...your esteem probably says.. are you worth it? why would I see these things in you?
you know they're there....why wouldn't I?
connection. like i say.
How did it get this way? I have no idea. I don't Care, the Universe Knows What it Is Doing. You know what is for you by how it feels....I am glad it is. UnHealthy? maybe ... more like.. needing to be pliable for a while. Needing elasticity and give to sway with circumstances. But giving this will not run dry... Unconditional. Reciprocation is blissful, appreciated.. cherished. Each drop of emotion savored. Even in sharp corners that could be driven, awe inspires. Fires get out of control, tempers may blaze, cooling waters of forgiveness and release comfort and strengthen.
Eternity in my hands.. Outstretched. Take them.
I am grateful this day for My Ultimate. Whatever the Road...
and a penny.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
only what you give.. Its not what you've got..
wow, so i read back through the posts and i dont even recognize the person that wrote them over the past few days. yesterdays is ugly and angry..
it's been quite a ride the past week. I am so glad i feel a bit better today. I even was in the shop making product. (which was awesome)
I have been listening to Music a lot more lately, which is nice. Its helping a lot.
I did have another breakdown last night.. i cant even remember what brought it on. it was just insane crying. i really wonder if all the shit i have gone through is finally coming out. Thank god Mikey was around to talk to me.
Had court today, it went well. I think that Pat didn't like it, because he basically got laughed out again, but a completely different judge. i think i made a sound case for myself, and i hope i did well.
i have to repost this.. i really enjoyed this mail i got today. like a lot.
"Hey kiddo,
Read your blog...
There is bliss, but also....is there ignorance?
Ignorance is NOT stupid. By definition, it's NOT knowing.
It's the old ignorance is bliss. Unless you both have the same cards,
and unless you BOTH have them on the table - there is ignorance.
Maybe a blissful ignorance of hoping the other may change towards the
direction you want them to change.
You aren't a drama girl, but I think things in your life have fomented that
statement. You are who you are, NOT how others perceive you.
Because they may not have had those things happen to them the way you have,
they feel a right to judge, or question that.
Strong does NOT mean letting things just roll off your back. That's would be stupid.
You can't ignore life bad as you may want to. Sooner or later it shows up and reminds
you that it WON'T be ignored.
Death, angry people, break ups.......that didn't affect you??? Seriously?
That self absorbed?
Not trying to be an asshole, but you really need to look at that statement.
Of course these things affected you. That's why you felt so strong. Because you felt above it.
But I think you were just avoiding the hurt. The old "If I ignore this it will go away."
And then something else came along to distract you from the pain, and then it becomes
a matter of all this baggage that got dragged along and never processed. And it's
also a matter of I WILL IGNORE THIS AND MOVE ON.........
But, it hasn't ignored you. It was just waiting.
The universe always waits for the right time to pounce.
The right time is NOT our right time, but it's own.
" i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh)"
That's what it's all about though. How we deal with our pain.
How long do you think the wall can stay up if you aren't dealing with the past?
Sooner than later, you have to just deal with it irrespective of the outcome.
You can't fix your past. All you can do is look at it objectively and try to change HOW
you now deal with things that are reminiscent of that past.
It's a lot like "Why do you hit yourself in the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
"And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier. "
You don't know what the universe has planned. We all think we do to a degree.
We run the variables, and think..."Okay, if I do this, then this will happen." But that's the problem with variables, they are variable. It's a matter of trying to find the best fit between the walls of life and go that way, but remembering that there may be something to knock you to one side or the other at some point. If it does, well....you were sort of expecting it, if not, then awesome!
It's a matter of situational awareness also. Keep your head on a swivel when you need to, but also realize that the universe doesn't always have it out for you.
"Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know"
I would say that that may or may not be the case.
Wouldn't life be great if we could learn all these things without any degree of pain?
I would love that.
"Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?"
Did you lose YOU in all this? No. Start there.
Remember what's important, and leave what's not behind.....or move it way down the list.
Most important:
1) Dawn
2) Maggie
3) see #'s 1 and 2
I hope this helps Dawn. You know you can always talk to me.
And you know that I would never intentionally give you bad advice, or
hurt you in any way.
I love you, and I don't do that to the ones I love. I think you should have figured
that out by now.
Sorry that you are going through all this, but whatever you are going though, YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
But look at the positive...
What if this had been five years down the road?
Remember the little things that are great, groovy sunsets, Maggie making going to sleep noises,
YOUR season, what you like, your last great kiss, or hug, your favorite food, your favorite music,
your most comfortable moments you can remember, the people you love, the people that love you,
coffee!
Remember that someone may be thinking the same things."
yea... i really like that mail.
I have been feeling very grateful for people who put up with me, and my "changing my mind every minute". Its true, my mind changes.. but not my heart. I hate over thinking things. stupid stupid. :)haha..
the Leaves are starting to change.. and it is so beautiful. my soul LOVES this time of year! I feel so alive with the colors.. they fill my eyes so much. oh, and I get to wear my sweaters <3 yay! Dew has been here, but im not sure if she likes it or not... i cant tell, i think shes uncomfortable. (thats what i feel from her, i think she misses Steven's- like this isnt home) :/ which makes me a little sad. But it makes me more sad to think she is uncomfortable. so, we will see. Had a nice little talk with Isaac today. most ive talked to him in a long time. and it wasnt that much. a couple emails.. hm. well.. im glad this entry isnt sad, or angry or all around ugly. I am blessed, and I love and I am good.
I have been listening to Tesla's Love Song and What you've Got.. 'aint nothin' but that good good love.. ;) <3 . yea. Love, Unconditional. its a new thing.. like a new skin.. and its good.
it's been quite a ride the past week. I am so glad i feel a bit better today. I even was in the shop making product. (which was awesome)
I have been listening to Music a lot more lately, which is nice. Its helping a lot.
I did have another breakdown last night.. i cant even remember what brought it on. it was just insane crying. i really wonder if all the shit i have gone through is finally coming out. Thank god Mikey was around to talk to me.
Had court today, it went well. I think that Pat didn't like it, because he basically got laughed out again, but a completely different judge. i think i made a sound case for myself, and i hope i did well.
i have to repost this.. i really enjoyed this mail i got today. like a lot.
"Hey kiddo,
Read your blog...
There is bliss, but also....is there ignorance?
Ignorance is NOT stupid. By definition, it's NOT knowing.
It's the old ignorance is bliss. Unless you both have the same cards,
and unless you BOTH have them on the table - there is ignorance.
Maybe a blissful ignorance of hoping the other may change towards the
direction you want them to change.
You aren't a drama girl, but I think things in your life have fomented that
statement. You are who you are, NOT how others perceive you.
Because they may not have had those things happen to them the way you have,
they feel a right to judge, or question that.
Strong does NOT mean letting things just roll off your back. That's would be stupid.
You can't ignore life bad as you may want to. Sooner or later it shows up and reminds
you that it WON'T be ignored.
Death, angry people, break ups.......that didn't affect you??? Seriously?
That self absorbed?
Not trying to be an asshole, but you really need to look at that statement.
Of course these things affected you. That's why you felt so strong. Because you felt above it.
But I think you were just avoiding the hurt. The old "If I ignore this it will go away."
And then something else came along to distract you from the pain, and then it becomes
a matter of all this baggage that got dragged along and never processed. And it's
also a matter of I WILL IGNORE THIS AND MOVE ON.........
But, it hasn't ignored you. It was just waiting.
The universe always waits for the right time to pounce.
The right time is NOT our right time, but it's own.
" i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh)"
That's what it's all about though. How we deal with our pain.
How long do you think the wall can stay up if you aren't dealing with the past?
Sooner than later, you have to just deal with it irrespective of the outcome.
You can't fix your past. All you can do is look at it objectively and try to change HOW
you now deal with things that are reminiscent of that past.
It's a lot like "Why do you hit yourself in the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
"And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier. "
You don't know what the universe has planned. We all think we do to a degree.
We run the variables, and think..."Okay, if I do this, then this will happen." But that's the problem with variables, they are variable. It's a matter of trying to find the best fit between the walls of life and go that way, but remembering that there may be something to knock you to one side or the other at some point. If it does, well....you were sort of expecting it, if not, then awesome!
It's a matter of situational awareness also. Keep your head on a swivel when you need to, but also realize that the universe doesn't always have it out for you.
"Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know"
I would say that that may or may not be the case.
Wouldn't life be great if we could learn all these things without any degree of pain?
I would love that.
"Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?"
Did you lose YOU in all this? No. Start there.
Remember what's important, and leave what's not behind.....or move it way down the list.
Most important:
1) Dawn
2) Maggie
3) see #'s 1 and 2
I hope this helps Dawn. You know you can always talk to me.
And you know that I would never intentionally give you bad advice, or
hurt you in any way.
I love you, and I don't do that to the ones I love. I think you should have figured
that out by now.
Sorry that you are going through all this, but whatever you are going though, YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
But look at the positive...
What if this had been five years down the road?
Remember the little things that are great, groovy sunsets, Maggie making going to sleep noises,
YOUR season, what you like, your last great kiss, or hug, your favorite food, your favorite music,
your most comfortable moments you can remember, the people you love, the people that love you,
coffee!
Remember that someone may be thinking the same things."
yea... i really like that mail.
I have been feeling very grateful for people who put up with me, and my "changing my mind every minute". Its true, my mind changes.. but not my heart. I hate over thinking things. stupid stupid. :)haha..
the Leaves are starting to change.. and it is so beautiful. my soul LOVES this time of year! I feel so alive with the colors.. they fill my eyes so much. oh, and I get to wear my sweaters <3 yay! Dew has been here, but im not sure if she likes it or not... i cant tell, i think shes uncomfortable. (thats what i feel from her, i think she misses Steven's- like this isnt home) :/ which makes me a little sad. But it makes me more sad to think she is uncomfortable. so, we will see. Had a nice little talk with Isaac today. most ive talked to him in a long time. and it wasnt that much. a couple emails.. hm. well.. im glad this entry isnt sad, or angry or all around ugly. I am blessed, and I love and I am good.
I have been listening to Tesla's Love Song and What you've Got.. 'aint nothin' but that good good love.. ;) <3 . yea. Love, Unconditional. its a new thing.. like a new skin.. and its good.
Peace
I was asked last night why I was being short. and then told not to answer the question. That tells me one thing. Annoyance.
Yea. Well. Sorry...
This life has changed so damn fast. I have watched cities crumble in the past week, and my feet went out from under me. I have attained blissful highs i never imagined possible, and have seen the deepest lows i have ever encountered. all within the span of a few short short months.
I dont want to be that stupid drama Girl we all know and Hate, so i try my best to keep it all to my self. I have quite a load i carry, and I try to be the strong woman i have always been.. but i dont think its the same as it once was for me. (NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING ever use to bother me.. all the stuff would roll off my back. I would not feel anything about break ups, death, angry people.. I was not affected) I am really starting to think my age is changing the way i have to handle things, i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh) And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier.
I know i have the tools.. its just a matter of reinstating them. ive kind of left them behind in my bliss lately. well, previous to past Tuesday. But It's ok.
Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know.. And I hope I have helped others along the way.
Theres a reason I hide sometimes.
Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?
Yea. Well. Sorry...
This life has changed so damn fast. I have watched cities crumble in the past week, and my feet went out from under me. I have attained blissful highs i never imagined possible, and have seen the deepest lows i have ever encountered. all within the span of a few short short months.
I dont want to be that stupid drama Girl we all know and Hate, so i try my best to keep it all to my self. I have quite a load i carry, and I try to be the strong woman i have always been.. but i dont think its the same as it once was for me. (NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING ever use to bother me.. all the stuff would roll off my back. I would not feel anything about break ups, death, angry people.. I was not affected) I am really starting to think my age is changing the way i have to handle things, i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh) And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier.
I know i have the tools.. its just a matter of reinstating them. ive kind of left them behind in my bliss lately. well, previous to past Tuesday. But It's ok.
Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know.. And I hope I have helped others along the way.
Theres a reason I hide sometimes.
Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?
Friday, September 17, 2010
Free, Free... Set them free..
So this is what heart broken feels like, fully and absolute. People falling from grace, Letting go of people through blissful love, people blaming you for their own broken selves.
I was blissfully happy for a while. Its good to know what that feels like- to be proud of yourself, to be proud of who you stand beside, to feel your dreams are within reach. At least i know how it feels, even if I again, have to wait for it. But I will recognize it now.. I know what it looks like.
I don't think I have ever felt this sad.. and there have been many things in life that have happened.
But, to rest assure- I am Piscean. I am complete Emotion with only enough grounding to keep me sane, so Emotion I can Handle. I live to feel.. it is my oxygen.
It is always said that one must be whole and doesn't need another to be happy. Yes, I get this philosophy... however. How is god-self supposed to know god-self without reflection? We cannot know the amazing beauty of Light without feeling fully the dark.. and so I embrace this sadness. I let it pulse through me, bringing on tears and sinking ache, so that once again I am reminded of how beautiful Joy is.
I'm sure I freak People out. But I am also sure that if i explained myself, there are those elite few that get it.
It's a rainy day here in our town. I woke up with Cemetery Gates by Pantera in my head, and the thought of singing Every Rose Has it's Thorn at Berrini's Funeral. hm. no bueno. I think I cried all night in my sleep or something, my eyes are a mess and I'm wiped out. Wouldn't surprise me, seeing as how I put on such a face all day.
Heh.. I sound like such a fucking nut case, and I'm not really.
I know the Universe won't let me down. All will be well, I just need a little time. Quite a bit happened in a span of 3 days.
And I missed Rush Goddamnit! Fucking Berrini and Amy. But, thanks.. I needed a contrast I suppose. oh, while we're at it, let's throw Brandy under the bus, too.. for good measure. She better hook me up big time and permanently. I gave up more than I was willing to. But I hope I did good.. all around. Trains are worth the effort, thousand fold.
Will be listening to Sting again for a while. He heals my broken soul and feeds the stream of flow...
I was blissfully happy for a while. Its good to know what that feels like- to be proud of yourself, to be proud of who you stand beside, to feel your dreams are within reach. At least i know how it feels, even if I again, have to wait for it. But I will recognize it now.. I know what it looks like.
I don't think I have ever felt this sad.. and there have been many things in life that have happened.
But, to rest assure- I am Piscean. I am complete Emotion with only enough grounding to keep me sane, so Emotion I can Handle. I live to feel.. it is my oxygen.
It is always said that one must be whole and doesn't need another to be happy. Yes, I get this philosophy... however. How is god-self supposed to know god-self without reflection? We cannot know the amazing beauty of Light without feeling fully the dark.. and so I embrace this sadness. I let it pulse through me, bringing on tears and sinking ache, so that once again I am reminded of how beautiful Joy is.
I'm sure I freak People out. But I am also sure that if i explained myself, there are those elite few that get it.
It's a rainy day here in our town. I woke up with Cemetery Gates by Pantera in my head, and the thought of singing Every Rose Has it's Thorn at Berrini's Funeral. hm. no bueno. I think I cried all night in my sleep or something, my eyes are a mess and I'm wiped out. Wouldn't surprise me, seeing as how I put on such a face all day.
Heh.. I sound like such a fucking nut case, and I'm not really.
I know the Universe won't let me down. All will be well, I just need a little time. Quite a bit happened in a span of 3 days.
And I missed Rush Goddamnit! Fucking Berrini and Amy. But, thanks.. I needed a contrast I suppose. oh, while we're at it, let's throw Brandy under the bus, too.. for good measure. She better hook me up big time and permanently. I gave up more than I was willing to. But I hope I did good.. all around. Trains are worth the effort, thousand fold.
Will be listening to Sting again for a while. He heals my broken soul and feeds the stream of flow...
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