City morning.

Thursday.. September... New England.
My first morning in quiet in along time. As I sit here near the open window, with the morning sun, listening to the rush of city life, I feel like life may turn out alright.
The past 2 weeks have been an insane roller coaster of fear and turmoil for me.
But I am here, and I am on solid ground.
I had decided to move to New Hampshire once again, Having tied up things in Arizona... things left over form child hood, from teen years and early adulthood. I went back to Arizona chasing a dream, and Left there knowing where I belong.
I am grateful to be back in New England. There is still work to do for sure, but I feel like I have that work to do, as opposed to looking for something that is not there.
My community is good and strong, my family is loving and kind and quite possibly, my relationship may work out for the better.
So much work has been plowed through with my partner and I in the past couple weeks, total chaos and break down of things, but. Maybe it is great for the Phoenix to burn.. we all know what comes next.
What I would really like is a Zen Garden to live in.
Regardless.
I am back in New England, and I have a lot of good things to do. I am grateful for that.
Where to start...
I know that is an answer that will come.
Thank you Universe, for putting me where I go, as insane as the sea was to travel on.
Autumn is started, Leaves will change and I am near Boston. Much goodness abounds.

schweeeeeet

So, Today I FINALLY feel like I am going back to my good life back east. Now that all the working is done, and I can start pulling my house apart, I feel good about it.
I am, this morning, Re-Membering all of my good parts, all of the pumpkins, and good eating, and comradery, all of the seasonal light changes.  I am re-membering Nisu and Craft Fairs. I am Re-Membering how to create, and Focus to create.
And goodness...and in between starting writing this and now, I have eaten and talked to ppl... so I've lost my train of thought. time do so stuff....

I never understood how people just all of a sudden pulled their children from school one day, and left.
I do now. And I don't like it one bit. But I know it is the rite course of action.
I am over tired tonight, so everything sucks - my house, my anxiety about moving, I can't think straight.
I know tomorrow will be better.
I know I am doing a good thing by moving back east, and it is surreal but it will get done.
I am grateful to be done with overnight cab work.
I for sure don't like being where I am at tonight, with my anxiety form no sleep. I remember this feeling of overwhelm and panic all too well from 2 am wake ups and day long zombie modes.
But. I know it will be okay.
I'm just tired.
and things are moving along.
Back to new England by the last week in September.

Slip Slide Melting...

So, this is wringing around, pinging around in my head---
I met someone. And I utterly hated him. Despised to the point of seething anger for an entire week.
I was going to stab him when I saw him again. I was going to demolish him.
And then I agreed to meet, to talk.
And All I wanted to do was hold him, to help him, to make it better and cry.
And every day, I learn more about him, and I like him even more than the day before.
And I trust him, he is my friend.
And he amuses me, He is an evil funny thing.
I am so grateful I was wrong..
and It reminds me that My Multiverse doesn't work like other's does.
Mine is always the opposite of everyone else's fairy tale.

I saw the utter worst there was to see as the first meeting/first impression... and now I get to learn his light every day.
In all other things I see the best in people when I first meet them... and progressively they get worse. Day by day until I can no longer even see them, I only see resentment.
This person I started at the worst place... and seem to be going uphill.
heh. Maybe that's it.
Just maybe...

bed...

Wondering about witchy worlds and where my altar has gone... I have not had one up for months.
Autumn leaves swirl around my imagination and I have released my time frame of returning to New England. It was stressing me to the point of neglecting all the things I held dear in daily life.
I seem to have found my shoes again, my feet are laughingly planted on the ground.
Now, If I could only add the rite partner.... I really do want my person to run with. I have Maggie, but I have come to know I need an adult, too. She does in a way as well. Someone other than me, to interact with.
She starts school at a new place this year. I need a new Job. I have been Cabbing, and I absolutely adore it, but I don't think it will work with Maggie being home...
I will try though.
I am home, in my own bed, alone with the Dog. Erica and Chew are asleep in Maggie's room.
Maggie comes home Wednesday night.
Life. this Life.
This life....

Stay a Prayer for me... Miles to go before I sleep...

Listening to Sponge's Rotting Pinata, while Waiting for calls on Zombie Cabbie duty...
Soul stirring things....
Life has been so odd lately. Maggie has been away, and will be home soon.
We are supposed to move back to NH in October. I am working a lot. The Cabbie Gig is really good for me. It gets me out into the public again, with people. Makes me look at me, and see things, take some time for me with me and spruce me up a little. Kind of like a fun little game of play pretend. Made some new friends, some close people, and people I wonder how much will hurt to come circle with.
The moon has been amazing lately... I will miss the open desert sky. Quiet solitude does me so very well. Hope Maggie and I can come to an energetic agreement on this.
Kiesha is pregnant, boy should that be interesting.
Maggie is going to go to the school I went to as a child. I swore inside out I would never ever put her there... but need dictates.  And I hope it goes well. It's only a couple months.
I have been listening to different music, things I remember and things that are new.
Emotions are interesting lately.
Also I think I have met my match in attitude. I know it will end badly. But, for now, it entertains me.
I wonder what it will be like when Maggie comes home.
I wonder how leaving this place will be.
I will miss my nephew.
I am me.. again... someone I have been looking for a while.
I wonder how they will react back east to me...

Miles to go before I sleep...

todayis nice.

So, there's so much going on, I am working 2 jobs and the Herb work.. I am tired, happy, sad, worn, good, bad and all in between.
Going Back to NH is stirring up my life. Its all good. Old things need releasing, New things are glorious. Things I never thought I would have are coming into my life on real terms, and My community and I are getting so excited. I had my friend Sarah here for a week, that was so fun! Maggie is still in Nh, and I don't know if she's staying there or not. I kind of hope she is, for all intents and purposes of my working hard for the money to get the rest of our life there. At least that foot will be grounded in that place.
I have been Saging a lot, and thinking of making a sage soap. I also have orders to fill that I am waiting on supplies to do, the natural health food store has panned out better than i expected. There are etsy orders and things are good. I am healthy and happy with thoughts of my future.
It's damn hot in Az, and I am glad for my swampy cooler .
Well, suppose I should  get my tookis in gear and  do stuff....

How will it be?

Some days I still miss you so much. Songs in the air you tried to sing to me that I passed off, thinking you'd always be there. Things I took for granted, mannerisms we share.. Catching a glimpse of you in the background or hearing your voice. When you talk to me

I get lost. That hope I burry aches. 

I'm going home... I will see you again. 

And how will that be? 

Elephants in shoes.....

light

I will be spending a LOT of time lost outdoors in the wild while Maggie is away.
I have lost something I need to regain....
and Time seems to be of the essence to find it.

frustration.

I have been having issues with people as of late.
I feel as though I should just shut my mouth and wander off into the woods in my "hmmpf, fine." mode and allow myself to release.
I got into a discussion with a local about a rather ridiculous event that is ongoing in our town, a tragic one, and a messy one.
I was called a 'gossip' basically when trying to show my point had back up evidence of other people's witnessing events. I am just frustrated. People are so blind. I don't want people to get hurt. I want everything to be okay. And I cannot make people listen, everyone has their own reality..
so I just have to let it go.

How I feel.

Havent written in what seems like a long time, I don't want to write about the same thing or doom and gloom or blah blah blah.
I have been in a state of almost lost mode. Ruck-Sack thought process, of what now? I really don't know, I am just trying to keep my feet under me.
I had a job interview yesterday with Spectrum, the company I worked for a year ago, Good pay, steady work, will really be helpful in life presently.
I work at an inn, in Sedona rite now. It is a great atmosphere, and I really like it, I need more hours and closer to home presently, hence the interview. But, if i don't get the corporate gig, at least I still have something.
I am very much looking forward to having my truck in tip top shape soon. That is a prime directive.
I want to do much outdoorsness this summer, I may take some treks while Maggie is away. And probably even more when she returns. She goes to NH in the next few weeks.


Then there is life. My experience. I could reitterate about how I have been physically feeling very poorly, and about how I have been rather lost, but continue on. I could talk about my lack of ambition and inspiration, and how I feel rather empty... but what good would that do? So. I have decided to exclude all the things that make me feel poorly in my life, and hope that looking to include the things that would make me feel good, will bring about joy and inspiration.
 Maggs and I played at the river for 4 hours yesterday without even knowing it. We had a great time. I watched my nephew last night while my sister went out on the town, and that was good.
Today, I have some herbal work to do, and then I will again go to the river. That will be good. I really want to go up on the mountain, but am unsure about the drive. I may just chance it.
I have a feeling I will be doing better in the next few days, as I eliminate more negativity.
I quelled much of my stress points by ignoring the root of them, and doing what I can as I can.
I am doing what I know I have always appreciated in my previous life line, like having Jazz playing and making my house smell good...
I feel like I could hibernate for 10 years and then would feel refreshed though. I never feel rested, and My body is so heavy much of the time. It will change. Maybe I need to go on a raw diet for a while...
anyways. Life. I am alive, I think I will make rent this month, and I am directing myself to a better path of things that I want in life.
so. yea. those things.
Oh, and I went to Bailey Co. this past weekend with the new brother Eric and Maggie. I am so glad things turned out the way they did leading up to leaving for the trip, because Erica and I really got in some Bonding time. It was really good to see the family, especially Jackie.
Maggie did well on the trip. I like Bailey... reminds me of a more westernized New England of sorts. All I could think of was John Denver... of course.

 Me.. how I want to be....

 Me, Where I want to be....

 My time of year....

How I feel.

divergant...

So..
Today I feel weird.
And I think I know why.
I got a part time job.
I quit my full time job on April 1st. So that I would have all the time in the world to be free, and to do what I want with my own business.
I have one month of rent saved, for this coming month.
And I guess I panicked. Because I took a part time job in Sedona. At an Inn. The job doesn't seem bad, but it is the fact of the matter that I am straying from my initial plan, and I need to work my thinking of it a little differently.
I took the job to make sure I have rent covered in this apartment.
Which I will.
And I will have Friday-Monday free. Which is good. And I will get paid, which is also good.
And I won't stress so much about money. Which is very good.

But tonight I feel a little under the joy flow, so... I need to do something fun.
Like make candles in pumpkin goodness.
so I will.

and hm.
  yes.

Upon waking

I woke up with this thought in my head - there's two kinds of love between people. There's the one where you meet someone and you fall head over heels

In love and it either stays or it doesn't. Then there's the love that grows from time. You meet some one and for whatever reason they stay in your life and over time you just grow to love them. They will always be with you. The love is bond, family, forever becauSe it grew. It wasn't at first sight it wasn't something you put there because of a relationship. It's organic. 

There is such a difference between the two. One is fabricated as a result of a situations expectations and one is soul weaving without acknowledgement. 

I woke to open window birdsong this morning. Beautiful. 

Imagining

I am imagining that it should be nice to be me. I am imagining a new me. A sturdy me. A connected and respected me.
I am imagining a New Me.....

thoughts becomeing things

Thoughts...become....Things....

So, as of late I am real-ing in my own thoughts, watching and noticing how I am be-ing and trying to switch gears. I am seeing things that are interesting to me... calls for my products VS what I am doing daily. Things that I enjoy VS my triggers.
I am skittering around this move into this new place, uneasy but working on it. I somehow don't feel its real, but that is okay. I will settle in for a while, hunker down and see what happens with it.
I am seeing new avenues for my products, and I am liking that.
I am seeing the good light at the end of the long tunnel I have been in, thankfully. Regardless of all the things I have had piled in fear space, It is all clearing, and I am glad.
so. yay.
and onto this good life <3 br="">

"When a thing hurts your eyes, Dawn, stop looking at it.

When it hurts your ears, Dawn, stop listening to it.

And when it hurts your heart, Dawn, stop justifying it.

I love you so much,
    The Universe"


And So I did.... actually 2 days before this. But i did. I could no longer make excuses or pass off behaviors that hurt me and made me on edge. It has been making me sick and soul-ill. So not good. 


on  good notes, Maggie and I are enjoying our new home. Life is calm and good. We are healthy and I am in appreciation of all of the good things I do. 
Yes, this is good. 

good and niceness

I've come to know that I have been feeling numb inside for quite a while now, because when I look at images of forests, I get a deep, buried spark feeling. A feeling I remember, faintly. A magical, energetic thing...
Things have changed in life for the better as of late. I am single... same story different person. And same promise I hope to finally keep to myself. Because I see nothing changes, and I see why.
I have a new Brother. well, an old brother, who is Older than I am, who has found Andrew and I. It is such a good thing.
I hope it is always such a good thing.
I love my new home. Our new home, Maggie and I. Bigger than our last 'own home', but small enough that it is perfect.
Job is going well, sales are picking up.
Weather is beautiful.
Things are generally good. Really good. And Nice. And on the increase of good and niceness.
yes.

Trail pieces

As I walked the back trails this morning of my river, I think about life. I look ahead me and behind me and realize that the only thing I can see is bits of the trail, just what lies before me and just my immediate future. There are times when I can just barely make out te next part of the trail because it is so new and unused. I have to pick up clues like slightly moved stones and lighlty worn places where feet have been. But when I look behind me te trail is much more clear-seeif where I've been. This is life. I have to discerningly pick up clues, watch for signs and decide which way is best to go on a new path. And when I look behind me I can see where I've been and how each choice I took brought me where I am now. Sometimes I can see that there was an easier path- but I couldn't see it from where I was. And that's okay. I am where I am and I can see it now. I'll know next time I come this way.  

Life. And birds. 

Behind me I can see....

What I couldn't see before me....

children...

I walk into the living room and my sister tells me about the 4th graders in NY who were plotting to kill their teacher with hand sanitizer because she is allergic to it.... while NCIS is showing body bags and talking shootings on the TV in the foreground.
This makes me really know TV is a major player in the US's issues. No child would think of that, unless they saw it somewhere. Sure, there are sick children, there always have been, but the desensitized children in the US are this way because they see death in a myriad of ways on the television every day, on all channels. Even on the 'kids' channels, there are thing said that no one should say- mean things, hurtful things, and they are passed off as just words.
But when do words become truths in a child's brain, and then action, because they are so use to having that thought?
No more TV for us when we move. Netflix for cooking shows and nature programs. End of story. More knitting, less violence.

stitching

There are days when events make me want certain things. Rite now, for sure, it is sleep, and comfort.
The 'heart' is not a thing. There is no solid state in which we can label the 'feelings of the heart' good and not good.
I opened that broken place that my 18 year old shut up safely, and it hasn't turned out so well. I wonder if people can change, I wonder if things can truly be better and good.
But for now, I withdraw. I just sit here, on a rock near a ledge, looking over a valley and wonder. And wait.
Will this just numb out and go away? Will I be surprised? Will I learn some new way of being in this non solid state of 'Love and Heart'?
Who knows..
Not me.
Solid Life daily motions call.
I will dwell there, and Look at this stitching thread made of fear and memory in my hand... and not want to pick up the needle with which to start the sewing...