I remember years ago when maggie was so small I would spend my days watching food network, fussing about my home through the day, making my house honey. Holidays were good. Summer was good. Today I sit on the couch, watchjng food network while I'm home from being sick last night. I look forward to those days again. Life sure does go in cycles.

Ziggy Marley save me...

Shine Bright!
Lift your head up!
Be strong!
These are only lessons!
Woman is Strength!

Keep Going!

...how?
these are lies. Lies perpetuated by people who have no idea what it is to be worn.

I have lived my whole life, being capable. Being a leader, being in the middle of the action.
I am worn.
I can no longer do these things.
I am not shining, I do not want to shine.
Fuck you.
I cannot lift my head up, because there is only anger and sadness in my eyes.
I am worn.
These are lessons only to the new comer. I am over this lesson bullshit. I don't have anything else to learn from these hardships.
IS this all there is for me? Why can I never have what I want for me?
Not any more. Not rite now.
Oh 'change your filter' .. easy when all there is to change is the tv channel.
I can reitterate  all day long my 'woes' but its pointless. I am tired. I am worn. I have never not had hope, and direction...
until now.
I cannot imagine what a difference could possibly be for me. I want to go off to a tropical beach away from all I know and just watch the tea water and sit in the sun. I want to breathe life back into my ragged chest.
This is the truest form of what depression is. And i will not 'seek help'.. because I am not a number, I am not a 'medication'. I do not have health insurance anyways. Wouldn't do me any good.
I live my life surrounded by the most broken people, day in and day out.
I know this is the problem, I know empathy has killed me. And is this a catalyst? Is this a turning point? These unhealthy people, this unhappy life.
I just can't feel into picking myself 'up by the bootstraps'...

Ziggy sings it best...

Hmm, gotcha. Well, you are beautiful and amazing and a sheperd of your people and you are strong and can do anything you put your mind to and a wonderful Mom and you are in touch with the universe and it will guide you wether you want it to or not and if all else fails you are loved and that can see you through.💜

Grateful for support from afar. 

Seasons

The more I learn about the world around me, the shit people do, the more disappointed I become. I know it's a perspective accordance, however, I wonder how it can be that people are so shitty. Seasons are changing and I'm having to look at my life. I don't want to. I want to remain in homeostasis just like everyone else.  It's easier. But it's not flow.
Sigh
The universe knows what it is doing. Feels like the truth of feast or famine now as time gets cooler.
Catalyst of soul.
'Give me something to sing about'

Innerfire....

So, I am thinking about creation. I am thinking about inspiration...
I am thinking about public eye and what it is about to be a person who creates for the public. I am thinking about the fact that I have little inspiration lately. I really dont want to bother with making things for others. I have very little need to prove myself, I dont have the same energy backing "this is why I do what I do". I really dont want to do anything for anyone... I kind of just want to paint. I kind of just want to hole myself up in my space against the world. I feel like I have nothing to give, Like i am an imposter. I feel like I put on a good show and thats about it, i create a personae. I want to run to the hills and lock myself away down a dirt road and just live. I want to fed the wood stove, stare out the window, watch the leaves and snow fall... I want to create a quiet life to regain my footing, because I truly have not gathered myself enough. I have always had an issue with doing too much for others, for living and molding myself into what others want because they need something. Now it's not one, but masses. I put on a show... I want groundedness... I want inspiration, I want to leave, I want to just live surrounded by good comfort.
When I look at the past year, I have had security, but not comfort, not ease. Not tradition and not truth, only comfort of security and some laughter. I have lived with constant irritation, and chose to ignore it--because it could be worse. I made the decision to be in this place, to help these children. I and coming to open my soul to see what is really going on. I am stifled, my flame is more of static than spark. I am not made of man made electricity, I am ember and smoulder of pitch and bark, of burl and leaves...
Breathe this open love this open light this clean air and move toward it...

Truth

Yep. It's very true. 

Interesting how life gets. Heh. 

Guess I'll be working with Maggie's school again. Farm to table. 

Most excellent. 

Eh

I just some days wonder. And I wish I had the inspiration for it all. I need a refuel. I want an explosion of ideas and beautiful flow. 

Today, is not that day. 

Confused reflection

Living life in a confused swirl. Unsure what is what. Was in a lolly-pop world of twiddledee days and routine nights. Then the arrow found its mark and opened old worlds and wounds. 

Remember where you stand. Remember how to survive. Remember to run and hide and hate and scorn. 

How to meld old life and the sugar coated place I landed. Who I am is in question. My eternal goals stay the same. My reflection confuses me, I wonder what took so long and what to do with him. 

Same thoughts. Same interests. Same foundations. Same understandings. Same wishes and wants. 

... Mirrors. 

'I trust the Universe'

...'me too'

This morning

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. 

Autumn is settling in, days are getting cooler. I have my studio space and fit it I am grateful. I am rehashing life with my other half, my long lost love. I am putting all of the life lessons to good use in this. Restraint, discernment, weights of worth, consequences. I was never in the know in how we would reconnect but I held on, and now that home life has settled into routine and comfort, I suppose I'm stable enough to handle this. Comes at a good time I suppose. Things happen how they do for good reasons. 

My

Workshop is nice. Loud, but nice. I enjoy my own space, I've needed it for so very long. I feel as though I can finally truly create. I am grateful to Tony for handing home life while I do what I do. Gives him time to do his thing, too. Maggie is alright, she hangs in there and finds good in a situation she doesn't like. I'm glad for  that. 

I now welcome all inspiration for this new work space and opportunity to succeed in creation and abundant cash income via my creations. 

Thank you. Xx

Being human.

I wish I could explain how I feel today. It's a mix of annoyance and melancholy. I could sleep all day rite now. I don't want to be disturbed, I have work to do here in the shopspace. I've been organizing and organizing. I made one batch of candles he other day. I never get started till late. That's never good. But I start at least. 

Life is kicking me in the gutt lately. Old regurgitations are making my head swirl and my feet confused. Who am I? 

Where is my wood stove? 

Damn gypsy soul is eating me alive. 

It'll be okay. It'll all be okay.

Just. Keep. Swimming. 

People.

Long day, emotionally tired. But it was good. I saw my favorite Indian father and daughter as well As my frien Shawn Lane.  I've been looking out for Shawn since last year. I missed him. 

Lots of good things today and now. I am grateful. 

New venture.

Got a shop space. Putting the deposit in today. Work space with store front. I'm good. This should prove to be interesting and a great thing 

It will have the dawnie decorating done and door opened by October 1.  

Workin them Angels

Currently looking at spaces for an office and workshop. Have to be set up by October 1. Wish me luck! Fingers crossed! 

Taking the steps

So. I'm totally jazzed to be in the works for a studio in the Dover mills. It's going to be a financial commitment but I can do it. My hopes are that my work space will be well received and attended and supported. I will have open hours where people can come purchase as well as hours just for me to create and relax and be inspred. 

Tony has been super supportive of my goals and I am so lucky for that. I think he is the gem of he male world. Sure we have things that annoy one another but all in all at the end of the day we go to bed happy and loving. 

It's flipping hot here. Blech. 

Oh. And the Fae have been into the lilacs under the hemlock trees of course. 

Seems that...

After a while it seems we fall into our own shoes.  That things that once frightened us, things once needing approval- are no longer a bother. After time we realize and come to comfortably understand that this life is ours. No matter of people's judgement or actions. We paddle on in the birch canoe experiencing what we choose to turn our attention to, as we float past, in the rivers own tide. Time and days and life. Things occur and we hopefully gain experience and collect memories. 

Choice. All choice. 

So much

Life is getting more like mine. Old things are revisiting. New things are enlightening. 

I've been listening to Nahko and Medicine for the People. It's been a long time since I have come across something that has sung to my soul like they do. It's an amazing balance of the sharp and the ligh parts of soul I understand so much. A warrior who gives all. 

I've also been reading the Daughter Of the Forest series. Perfect. 

I am remembering my wild side. My tribal part. My wildness. It's so good. 

And the other half of my wild young self has returned to my life to inspire me to remember who I am. 

'I will learn to be peaceful but I keep my knife at my side'

Blessings from hard work

Cabbing.  

New Hampshire. 

Driving welfare moms and drug addicts to appointments. 

Not what I expected. But it's doing what it was intended to do. 

Soon- very soon- studio. Paints. Candle making. Tinkering. Music and coffee. Friends. Soon. Very soon. 

Drive

So I drive cab now in New Hampshire.  I run pretty low end routes. I see addicts and welfare moms all day long. Broken people, lazy people and the poor. 

I, maybe once a day, get to interact with good people. Someone who is happy, who has a good shot at life. I like those times.  

I am on a path. I am working to accomplish a goal with Tony and then j will work on my personal goals. 

They are always the same- creation and art, and a home. 

Get a studio and work my way out of working for others and into working for myself.  

Also my vigilanty self has a rather big mouth and I hope to not continue to spout off when I'm mad. Or maybe I'm supposed to. I don't know really. 

Anyways. Onward 

wait

It's a cool, rainy day here in New England. I have made a batch Of Dragon's Hoard candles, as the kids are off at school, and Tony is out doing things.
Am I a Candle Maker? Do I make things of value via creativity and Magical intent?
Maybe...
I have been so low on energy for much, that for a long time I have put all of my things to the wayside, as I wait for a reimagine-ing of self. I certainly enjoy making things, I like creation. I like putting things out there for others.
I am no longer in this place and time for rescue, however. My self is not presently overflowing with shine enough to give.
so I am waiting...

Find

I feel as though I am an awkward teenager looking for my place in this world again. I honestly don't know where I fit in. I am fine with my family but outside of that I am quite lost when it comes

To what I want to do or what direction I should head. I actually feel as though... In a way, if I release all of the lables and expectations I hold for my self, the thing I don't know would be able to be presented to me. Something I have no ideas about, something new and clear and unknown to me. 

And that idea is a very nice one indeed. 

Brain Dump

So much has been going on in my head lately, and I need a brain dump. Not for recognition, not got praise or acknowledgement- just to dump.
Social media. Social media is a time suck and has been a way to connect and feel like I have had acknowledgement as a person for a long time. It no longer feels that way. It feels now, as though it is a waste and a succubus. it feels like ego ad like it takes from my daily understanding and experience of the world around me. It is no good. I want to remove myself from it, but like any addiction, I am afraid of loosing out, I am afraid that it is good off FB I wont have contact with my friends and family. which is absurd. FB has made it so that i dont have in interact with other people, that i dont have to have face to face with others to know how they are or what they are doing.. but this is bad. I have lost personal contact with all of my tribe because of it. I no longer have hour long conversations with people about meaningful things, because i do not make the time, when i can just 'check fb'. LAME. I am gearing up to be all done.
life. changes-
I am getting older, and things are feeling like they are seriously shifting. for the calmer and for the  better. I do not know what the change is, but i know my life will be very different than it has been. I feel like i am settling into who I have become for the next phase of life. I have gone through the 'finding myself' thing, all the explorations and chaos and I am pretty solid about my self. I am great to learn about so much in this world, all about interesting things, to have knowledge like good, solid books on a shelf. At this point, I don't feel the need to travel far and wide, to uproot and change seasonally. I am glad to be grounded and work with what is in my realm now. I feel as though I am waiting and watching the world around me to see what I want to do within it. I am perfectly content to sit on my porch and watch the birds, maybe make a loaf of bread and wait for the kids to come home.
Business.... I am not interested in making a huge business venture rite now. I lack the chaotic flash of inspiration that I have done all of my previous major moves and builds. I don't feel the need to create amazing products to wow and woo the public with. I'm perfectly fine just hanging out. I dont feel like i need to prove myself.
Personae.. Sure, everyone needs to create themselves in life, to have a color and a contrast. I feel like I have done so much of that in this life. I am tired of the ego of 'witchcraft' and the cool kids in the square. I have no drive to be mysterious or selfish. I am happy to sit by and watch the garden grow. I am a mom, I have things to do, I have kids to care for and teach, a tax bill to pay to ensure our home stays ours. I have a man in my life to attend to in loving ways as I can.
Sure, I have aspirations of future house on land, somewhere in the back of my head... but rite now is the present, and I really would like to live it with ease and grace. I want clothes that fit and look easy, and I want my kids to have the same. I would like to take a building trades class, so I can do the work needed on this house (i never feel confident to do any form of carpentry).
But, now, I just want to be for a while.
Brain dump accomplished for a bit.

Connection

In these last weeks of winter I see that I have fallen into routine over the past 6 months. Wake up do the things I do for morning, get in the van and go to a place that exchanges me being there for money. I do things that aren't purposeful to my own living all day in a box, and I notice it hinders my creativity overall. I am not driven to be in the universal flow, not striving to bring change and light. I am in routine only. 

Spring will change this. A studio will move me into better connection with the multiverse. 

So much

I am so much more at ease- I found a new couple of jobs to replace the 9-5 I've been at since October. Daily work place yuck was starting to affect my daily home life in really negative ways. I am feeling so much more at ease these evenings. Ahhh.  I will put in my 2 weeks notice come Friday and start the second job in a couple weeks. As it is, I work part time at Misty Meadows, where I apprenticed years ago. I am grateful for the new things happening in life. <3 

I'll be needing stitches...

6 am Monday. Off to another work week. Making my way through life one day at a time with the information I have. Tiring up loose ends, making apologies, making new friends. 

Mountains and Wildness

You Don’t Need A Man, You Need a Goddamn Warrior~

“To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else—you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

Your fierceness is going to bring him to his knees every single time he looks into your gorgeous eyes, but the difference is, unlike the others, he isn’t going to be scared off. No, this time, you will have finally met your match—because a simple man for you just won’t do.

You need someone to match the fire in your eyes with his own. Not only that, my little wild thing, but this warrior of yours is going to want to encourage the flames instead of trying to douse them with his own insecurities.

Because for you, a warrior is the only man who will ever live in the wild with you.

He may not have to slay any dragons to earn your love, but he would still walk through fire if it meant seeing that amazing smile that you hold in reserve for only him.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Because baby, when you and this warrior of yours meet and collide—it’s going to be a love set on fire.

Don’t try to run this time—I know your heart has been broken before, and that you’re not used to things working out, but this time it’s different. Give yourself time to see that.

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

You’ll be in this together now, this amazing, crazy, chaotic, wonderfully heartbreaking life—because it takes a warrior to love a goddess. And it takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is.

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well. ”~

~ Kate Rose 

Https://www.facebook.com/wordsofkaterose

16 years and my Warrior, on paper, is as boring as white bread- but in life he is as brilliant as all the stars, he is as charismatic as all the laughter in a gleeful child's heart, and and gentle-strong as the most majestic morning mountain. 

These Seattle days.

Okay. Not really Seattle. But seems like it today. New England is rainy and not freezing today. It's nice. 

Maggie and I have a pretty darn good life now. I finally have my true mate- Tony. I have wanted this for over 15 years. And it has happened. 2 months in and I'm still really happy and content. 

All the things we both went through to end up here seem all worth it. (Tho we'd prefer to not have to do them again.)

3 kids, 2 dogs, 3 cats and family and friends. I think we are doing a-okay. Content and full bellies. Keeping our heads above water and things going along steadily. 

Fingers crossed and breath secretly held for no shoes to drop.  ;) 

I think we finally 'got this yo'....