Blazing Yellow and Blue

Feeling so much better today.. Got some sleep. I think more normal sleep is what has been needed. Think I'll make it a priority. And drumming. I dummed for the first time EVER with Sarah Hart last night at the Christmas Parade, we brought the snow.. Such and amazing magical thing. There is beautiful magic in this world, and i have been reminded of it in the past day. I am in appreciation of it, and want so much more of it in each moment of my life.
yes, today, i am wonderful, magical, beautiful, calm and still. Today i am love and light, today.. i am mystery and hope.. today I am green and gold, sun and moon.. dry dusty desert wind, cold damp forest breeze..
i have added to my identity..and it is an expansion that takes time to get useto.
time to let the smooth wet edged mingle with the hot, dry sharp ones that i identify with.
like ribbons of blue on a blazing yellow sun.
I am Dawn..

what if theres a place..

Maggie is sleeping.. she doesn't sleep well. She talks in her sleep- she wakes up all the time. She never gets a full night rest. She was doing better for a while. Not now.. and neither am I.
I dont know how to hold myself up some times. I try so hard. Some days and most nights i want to run so far away, find some safe, warm, dark place that will comfort my searching, scared, crying soul. I try..
But when I am tired.. I cannot hold up the required walls. Things crumble all around me, I want to crumble, too...
I am scared something is wrong with Moo.. she looks so tired all the time now. She wakes up exhausted. She looks like hell. Is this a normal life for a child? Am I doing rite by her? I can beat myself to a pulp working and trying to hold us up, but is it all taking a horrid toll on her?
I am an herbalist... I should be able to help her sleep. I am an herbalist.. I should not be coughing after 3 weeks.
I don't speak my fears- I push through them. But what I really want is someone to hold me, and Help me and Love me. People say- 'Oh, you have your family here.." yea. i appreciate all of them, but in the still of the night, in the dark of the cold winter, in my quiet room, my heart is sad. I think i have suffered enough. I was beaten and abused since i was born, rejected moments after birth. I think 33 years later, after a life of abuse.. neglect.. lies and just ignorance, I deserve to be happy. I deserve secure love, emotional warmth, support, ease, and someone to count on. I deserve to know where I will be next year. I deserve to feel safe.
I am tired.. I am worn..
on this Thanksgiving night, I am only scared, tired, worn.. sad. the tears are hot tonight..
And I put up a damn good front. Because I think I have to.. But what if that is not whats true? What if what is true is a reality I cannot Imagine? Something Beautiful and Whole, where I dont have to fight each step just to keep it all together. One where I dont give a second thought to the thoughts I have when I wake up, because they are all happy? And maybe a place where I am not hesitant to dream at night.. because the dreams are pleasant.. they are beautiful reflections rather than fear based floods and lost searches..
What if?

Thanksgiving night

Its Thanksgiving night..
I am sitting on the couch with Maggie watching Taylor Swift on tv. We did Nisu Yesterday. Today we went to Lynette's.
I'll be going to bed soon.. alone.
Still same old complaint..
Want permanence.. want to have year after year of love, security, forever in these tradition..
*sigh* :/

Love

Monday, Rainy Monday.. A good day. Im taking nutrition into my body, I have come down with the beginnings of a cold.
My heart is feeling good today. A new awareness of things has come to light from another person.
Shop is love. Have a few things need doing today.. will get to it.
Think I will rest for a few.
good day.
Love.

Im tired..

Im Tired. And Im Tired.
I can't find damn BoyBoy.. Kris let him out and hes off somewhere..
I had a long day, productive but long.
I try to fight Love, but it continually comes back.
Maggs is exhausted and Sleeping finally.
Shop will be so much better in the coming months.
I will focus more and more.
Maybe Love will be dissipated as a refocus result.
Maybe correctness will come in.
I hope so.
I don't like the game, I love the Light.
I've been having nightmares :(
I want them to stop.
Why can't I have just good dreams, maybe like any one else?
My soul is worn, I just want to cry.
I want to be held while I do so.. where is my person?
Is it that I am not complete in my own self yet to have one?
I dont want what I've had- Trophy and Obsession.
I want partner, Soul Friend, Love, Understood, Wanted, Needed.
... Im tired.

Letter to Seth Godin and the reconfigure of Dawn

"Seth, Youre so funny. I just signed up for the little talkie place with a stipulation of reading Tribes or Linchpin. I have to say I LOVE how you are so personal in all you do. I hate that I sometimes get scared of being fully me, I sometimes wish I could banish half the people I know and am friends with so that I wouldnt even know what they said about my 'dorkyness' in the ways I do things. Yes, I admit, a lot of people think I should come with a warning Label, because I can be rather blunt in my inquiries of people, and opinions..I ask things others are too 'polite' to ask.. (altho I am not rude, I am just very.. 'all bullshit aside') or say, but you know what, I pull from the SOUL. I brush away the surface crap, all the Plastic molding that society has created to get down to who a person really WANTS to be and interact from there.. and you know.. I'm remembered. I spark people's query. hm.
this whole email is a big round look in the mirror.. haha!!
Thank you for reitterating the art of being REAL, & genuine; Funny and caring. It's the way life and business should be. I know that there is at least, in this whole wide, wide world, ONE other person like me, who wouldn't think I'm Dorky, and may agree. ;)
~Dawnie"

SO, I have been working on reconfiguration of Me. I realized that things are not how i want them in my life, I have not been fully living my soul's light. I have been in a flat place, like a blank sheet of paper.. just laying there on the ground. I noticed I had gotten lost, just yucky standing there. So. Back on track I go.. and I am looking for much inspiration. Seth Godin so sparks that for me some days. He reminds me of being fully me. All of my life there have been people around me (many , it seems) that make fun of me for being me.. that say Im dorky, something to that effect.. and they dont really mean it. but it still eats at me some days. The way the say it, is when i do something Unique they laugh a little mockingly and a little nervous and always always say- "Dawn, you're SUCH a dork!" and i know, somewhere in them they are a bit embarrassed at my actions, because they are out there and make ppl uncomfortable, but on an equal level, they wish they could be me, and be as open as i am. I know this is true. But Lately, I have really questioned who I am because of it. My out-there ways of doing things makes me question if i am doing them good. (??) but.. then Seth steps up and does things the same way- very personal, very honest, and very him. And it reminds me that - HEY! I AM. I am and I will be and I am unique at as doing things no one else is brave enough to do, and If it leaves you an odd feeling it's because I have sparked something in you that you feared but is good. so there. haha! And I shouldnt be afraid, EVER- because people seek me out.. often. (ok, maybe once a week, but still) How many people can say that people come to them asking for soul help? I have learned enough in this lifetime so far to pass it on, and I am proud to say that i am no where near as awesome as i will be in the future. I cant WAIT to see me at 40 and 50. Im so lucky, I feel like i will be like Rosemary or Susun (more like susun) in my old age.. with a serious twist of Christine and some odd light worker. A complete hobbit witch hearth mother light house. haha! altho never complete, but i pray i can pass on UNiversals for other people's starts. which i am already doing. what sparks my soul is the vision boards and the the gratitude journals. I, myself, use both, and LOVE them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. I truly believe them. And I want to continue working with them and teaching others about them.
yay. I feel good.
and thats what is for me.. Feel Good. <3

day's worth..

Well.. today was our First ever Halloween Costume Parade. The Sun Moon Stars Clan came down, and we brought along some random people we found along the way! Seems kind of silly, such a small random group of people and kids.. in tired-state im feeling a bit like a dork, doing something so small and dweeby.. but you know - everything has to start somewhere.
Tomorrow we have Pumpkin Carving for the kids and adults alike...
wow, all of a sudden im exhausted. all i can say is that.. i feel like a dork but i have to push though it and keep going cause Val said so..ok, well, the card said so. :) keep on with the dream!!
Oh, and I am so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful people that support me so much. I am so grateful People keep coming back and believe in the dream.. i am so grateful for my friends and family. thank you so SO so very much.

New Post

So.. what about what?
Start with Shop. Shop is D-E-A-D. Why? My energy isnt focused here. This has become like old news to me, NO GOOD. How do i draw people in? I have NO idea. But i have to start. Isaac is being such a good sport. Press Releases are all i can think of..
advertising.
My focus has shifted.. I have opened to new ways of looking at things. It came to me a couple days ago. I am not a clinical herbalist. I will not cure your cancer.. i am a spirit Herbalist- i will help you to cure the root of the energetics that caused the cancer. I am not interested in the latest studies about this and that.. i am interested in how you feel, in how attuned you are, about what you dream and how you live each day. Yes, i will read the latest findings on the herbs i use, because i do not want to have contradictions in meds or actions of the workings, but i am more about their energetic signature.. Are they a warming herb? are they a forceful hers? will the peacefully engulf you in pinks and blues to lull you sweetly yo sleep or forcefully stop you in your tracks to put you out for a while? What you need is not always whats on the surface. I want the story behind what you tell, and i want to go beyond the modern medicine doctor's words and get to your roots, your underlying love, dreams and desires.
Yes... Energetic Herbalist, Soul Feeder, My bandages are made of love and truth and dirt.
is there a true term for such a thing?
i pray to find like mind..
onto Other things. Hung up the Penney and Train for as good as it can be. Attachment has set in, and heartache has ensued one too many a day. Unconditionally has it's pull after a while, at no fault of any ones. I am grateful for the amazing highs such things have gifted. but.. onto other things..
Fall has officially settled in, and all the leaves are blowing around.. its beautiful. The past few days have been surreal balmy. i know the cold is coming, and that is ok.
The New Mexico fam visited last week. What an amazing thing. I was in heaven, how awesome. *sigh* :)
well.. so much for this post.. im done for now.
just doing things that need doing today. Rote routine things.. boooring but mindless tasks that i would usually put off to the side as irritations.

conflict resolution rant. hello tyrade.

So, Im grouchy. Pat started my morning off with the usual pat-shit-bang. :/ then i come in here, to the shop, and get completely overwhelmed. the cat starts being .. well, Himself, and Maggs comes home tired form school which in turn, makes her cry and fuss at anything and everything. And then - bang! Chaos. :( SUCKS ALL ASS. I wish there was some sort of after school program she could go to so she would be occupied instead of being here, bored and cranky. Poor thing. She puts up with me so well.
Than there are all the little things i want to do in here- all the random coolnesses that pop up, that i just lose in all the chaos that is my physical surroundings. I hate the mess i live in. I want some clarity on all the stuff around me- i want the laundry and dishes done, i want the back room cleaned... i want the chaos that is in my soul lifted. :/
someone said that they live a drama free life. im glad. and i want to as well. I want clean, clear flowing life.
and i want people in the shop. A lot. I want to be busy, i want to do things that matter.
oh, and how about my man? WTF? hahah!! with this energy there isnt a man alive that would want to be near me rite now. Although being close to someone might relieve some stress- boost some energy. Even just a good hug.i am at the point where i just want to close down for the day.. i want to go run into the nothingness and play. but on the other hand. as strange as it seems, there's this mirror in the back room, and it keeps inspiring me. its calling me for some reason, inspiring me to work in the back, be beautify and magic it up. and Why not? I have always done so before, made things amazing.
I need someone to share all this with, like a partner in crime. someone to help me have drive.. they say that its all within self, that we should be complete and whole alone, that we need no other. that is bullshit. and i, myself, have spoken such bullshit in the past. Let me tell you- i am SO not innocent of this idiotic thought process. it is, in no way possible to know yourself if you are not reflected back to yourself via one of infinite ways. The human race being the top of the pile. We, as humans are pack animals first of all- so if you want to go with the physical, scientific proof- start there- we CANNOT be alone, its not what we are designed to do. and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter. Then lets go tot the non-physial- the Soul. How the HELL do people think they can know themselves if they dont have experiences with other people that engage the decision making process? we HAVE GOT TO make a solid label for the things we do and do not like- IE- Good and Bad, yes and Noe, up and down - this is for me, this is not for me- and in turn- THIS IS WHO I AM. and how do we do this boys and girls? HUMAN INTERACTION!!! yes, human interaction gives s the viable mirror to see our own selves based on the reactions and action we have and take in relationship o those other HUMAN BEINGS around us (Human Beings- We are spiritual BEINGS having a HUMAN experience Kiddies!)REFLECT. CONFLICT. RESOLUTION. DECISIONS. DEFINITION of self. Hi. this is how it works- and this is why we NEED other people in our lives. its is not NOT not possible to know your own self by your own self. light cannot know it is light if it has never seen dark. its just IT. no definition, nothing to use as a boundary to experience other facets of existence, no color to be had. we HAVE to have definition, just like we have to have bones to hold up the flesh, in order to move around and to experience the outer and experience r inner.

Monday, Monday...

yup. was a lot written here. Took it out.. Don't want scare the Wolf.(any more than i obviously already do..) Insert rolls eyes here, and a pinch on the arm for good measure. (hope it leaves a bruise.)

Just when you think...

you're at the end.. a glimmer appears. Like, Really? it's nice to be missed, even if just a little.
yea, might not seem like such a big deal, but to me it means the world. I suppose its that thing - you have to let stuff go, damn.. it needs its space. Cant grow while being squished, and picked apart. (was it.. is it growing? who the eff knows.. ) Leave it alone girl... damn you're a nut. *sigh*
Insert rolls eyes here. ;)
Yea, I know..
so.
I have been happy happy happy with this weather! I Love the cooler fall weather, it just does something to me. The shop is all Halloweened up, and I love that too. Its been nice to get into the spirit. I have this need to have something to color my world with.. something to play with. Its that whole hearth-witch thing - home, family, tradition. so, Holidays I love.
*sigh*
Well.. Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble ;)

Ultimate Kins.

Here in this land I Love. So much. I dream..
Just to lay and trace the side of a cheek bone.. to feel the muscles in an arm... to shoulder.. to collar bone. Feel softness of hair recently trimmed, wonder what is dreamed of beneath closed eyes. To Know the swell of warmth in chest-too-small to hold the immensity of the emotion. To watch, Holding baited breath for the next signal, the next move.. if only for a moment. Casual and Calm walk beside, rush of frantic run behind as if to not miss a beat. Wanting only to give any and all for a smile, just a laugh. Its worth it.. in minute amounts, for the end result. Cherished, Blessed, Attentive to detail.. all for all.
You need a house... and me. You would be the happiest man alive... for all eternity.
... and I wonder if you question the sanity or the reality of such a thing...your esteem probably says.. are you worth it? why would I see these things in you?
you know they're there....why wouldn't I?
connection. like i say.

How did it get this way? I have no idea. I don't Care, the Universe Knows What it Is Doing. You know what is for you by how it feels....I am glad it is. UnHealthy? maybe ... more like.. needing to be pliable for a while. Needing elasticity and give to sway with circumstances. But giving this will not run dry... Unconditional. Reciprocation is blissful, appreciated.. cherished. Each drop of emotion savored. Even in sharp corners that could be driven, awe inspires. Fires get out of control, tempers may blaze, cooling waters of forgiveness and release comfort and strengthen.
Eternity in my hands.. Outstretched. Take them.

I am grateful this day for My Ultimate. Whatever the Road...
and a penny.

only what you give.. Its not what you've got..

wow, so i read back through the posts and i dont even recognize the person that wrote them over the past few days. yesterdays is ugly and angry..
it's been quite a ride the past week. I am so glad i feel a bit better today. I even was in the shop making product. (which was awesome)
I have been listening to Music a lot more lately, which is nice. Its helping a lot.
I did have another breakdown last night.. i cant even remember what brought it on. it was just insane crying. i really wonder if all the shit i have gone through is finally coming out. Thank god Mikey was around to talk to me.
Had court today, it went well. I think that Pat didn't like it, because he basically got laughed out again, but a completely different judge. i think i made a sound case for myself, and i hope i did well.

i have to repost this.. i really enjoyed this mail i got today. like a lot.

"Hey kiddo,
Read your blog...

There is bliss, but also....is there ignorance?
Ignorance is NOT stupid. By definition, it's NOT knowing.
It's the old ignorance is bliss. Unless you both have the same cards,
and unless you BOTH have them on the table - there is ignorance.
Maybe a blissful ignorance of hoping the other may change towards the
direction you want them to change.

You aren't a drama girl, but I think things in your life have fomented that
statement. You are who you are, NOT how others perceive you.
Because they may not have had those things happen to them the way you have,
they feel a right to judge, or question that.

Strong does NOT mean letting things just roll off your back. That's would be stupid.
You can't ignore life bad as you may want to. Sooner or later it shows up and reminds
you that it WON'T be ignored.
Death, angry people, break ups.......that didn't affect you??? Seriously?
That self absorbed?
Not trying to be an asshole, but you really need to look at that statement.
Of course these things affected you. That's why you felt so strong. Because you felt above it.
But I think you were just avoiding the hurt. The old "If I ignore this it will go away."
And then something else came along to distract you from the pain, and then it becomes
a matter of all this baggage that got dragged along and never processed. And it's
also a matter of I WILL IGNORE THIS AND MOVE ON.........
But, it hasn't ignored you. It was just waiting.
The universe always waits for the right time to pounce.
The right time is NOT our right time, but it's own.

" i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh)"

That's what it's all about though. How we deal with our pain.
How long do you think the wall can stay up if you aren't dealing with the past?
Sooner than later, you have to just deal with it irrespective of the outcome.
You can't fix your past. All you can do is look at it objectively and try to change HOW
you now deal with things that are reminiscent of that past.
It's a lot like "Why do you hit yourself in the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

"And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier. "

You don't know what the universe has planned. We all think we do to a degree.
We run the variables, and think..."Okay, if I do this, then this will happen." But that's the problem with variables, they are variable. It's a matter of trying to find the best fit between the walls of life and go that way, but remembering that there may be something to knock you to one side or the other at some point. If it does, well....you were sort of expecting it, if not, then awesome!
It's a matter of situational awareness also. Keep your head on a swivel when you need to, but also realize that the universe doesn't always have it out for you.

"Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know"

I would say that that may or may not be the case.
Wouldn't life be great if we could learn all these things without any degree of pain?
I would love that.

"Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?"

Did you lose YOU in all this? No. Start there.
Remember what's important, and leave what's not behind.....or move it way down the list.
Most important:

1) Dawn
2) Maggie
3) see #'s 1 and 2

I hope this helps Dawn. You know you can always talk to me.
And you know that I would never intentionally give you bad advice, or
hurt you in any way.
I love you, and I don't do that to the ones I love. I think you should have figured
that out by now.
Sorry that you are going through all this, but whatever you are going though, YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
But look at the positive...
What if this had been five years down the road?

Remember the little things that are great, groovy sunsets, Maggie making going to sleep noises,
YOUR season, what you like, your last great kiss, or hug, your favorite food, your favorite music,
your most comfortable moments you can remember, the people you love, the people that love you,
coffee!
Remember that someone may be thinking the same things."

yea... i really like that mail.
I have been feeling very grateful for people who put up with me, and my "changing my mind every minute". Its true, my mind changes.. but not my heart. I hate over thinking things. stupid stupid. :)haha..
the Leaves are starting to change.. and it is so beautiful. my soul LOVES this time of year! I feel so alive with the colors.. they fill my eyes so much. oh, and I get to wear my sweaters <3 yay! Dew has been here, but im not sure if she likes it or not... i cant tell, i think shes uncomfortable. (thats what i feel from her, i think she misses Steven's- like this isnt home) :/ which makes me a little sad. But it makes me more sad to think she is uncomfortable. so, we will see. Had a nice little talk with Isaac today. most ive talked to him in a long time. and it wasnt that much. a couple emails.. hm. well.. im glad this entry isnt sad, or angry or all around ugly. I am blessed, and I love and I am good.
I have been listening to Tesla's Love Song and What you've Got.. 'aint nothin' but that good good love.. ;) <3 . yea. Love, Unconditional. its a new thing.. like a new skin.. and its good.

Peace

I was asked last night why I was being short. and then told not to answer the question. That tells me one thing. Annoyance.
Yea. Well. Sorry...
This life has changed so damn fast. I have watched cities crumble in the past week, and my feet went out from under me. I have attained blissful highs i never imagined possible, and have seen the deepest lows i have ever encountered. all within the span of a few short short months.
I dont want to be that stupid drama Girl we all know and Hate, so i try my best to keep it all to my self. I have quite a load i carry, and I try to be the strong woman i have always been.. but i dont think its the same as it once was for me. (NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING ever use to bother me.. all the stuff would roll off my back. I would not feel anything about break ups, death, angry people.. I was not affected) I am really starting to think my age is changing the way i have to handle things, i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh) And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier.
I know i have the tools.. its just a matter of reinstating them. ive kind of left them behind in my bliss lately. well, previous to past Tuesday. But It's ok.
Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know.. And I hope I have helped others along the way.
Theres a reason I hide sometimes.
Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?

Free, Free... Set them free..

So this is what heart broken feels like, fully and absolute. People falling from grace, Letting go of people through blissful love, people blaming you for their own broken selves.
I was blissfully happy for a while. Its good to know what that feels like- to be proud of yourself, to be proud of who you stand beside, to feel your dreams are within reach. At least i know how it feels, even if I again, have to wait for it. But I will recognize it now.. I know what it looks like.
I don't think I have ever felt this sad.. and there have been many things in life that have happened.
But, to rest assure- I am Piscean. I am complete Emotion with only enough grounding to keep me sane, so Emotion I can Handle. I live to feel.. it is my oxygen.
It is always said that one must be whole and doesn't need another to be happy. Yes, I get this philosophy... however. How is god-self supposed to know god-self without reflection? We cannot know the amazing beauty of Light without feeling fully the dark.. and so I embrace this sadness. I let it pulse through me, bringing on tears and sinking ache, so that once again I am reminded of how beautiful Joy is.
I'm sure I freak People out. But I am also sure that if i explained myself, there are those elite few that get it.
It's a rainy day here in our town. I woke up with Cemetery Gates by Pantera in my head, and the thought of singing Every Rose Has it's Thorn at Berrini's Funeral. hm. no bueno. I think I cried all night in my sleep or something, my eyes are a mess and I'm wiped out. Wouldn't surprise me, seeing as how I put on such a face all day.
Heh.. I sound like such a fucking nut case, and I'm not really.
I know the Universe won't let me down. All will be well, I just need a little time. Quite a bit happened in a span of 3 days.
And I missed Rush Goddamnit! Fucking Berrini and Amy. But, thanks.. I needed a contrast I suppose. oh, while we're at it, let's throw Brandy under the bus, too.. for good measure. She better hook me up big time and permanently. I gave up more than I was willing to. But I hope I did good.. all around. Trains are worth the effort, thousand fold.
Will be listening to Sting again for a while. He heals my broken soul and feeds the stream of flow...

:/ grr

so i feel like sht today.
i am stupid tired, thinking it was from yesterday, but knowing it may not be.. my left nostril is goopy. dammit. im an herbalist- i do not get sick.
i am hot, i am tired, but cannot sleep.
I wonder why i let people emotionally use me, why i cannot refuel to my needs.
actually i know why i cannot refuel. i dont have time. i have never known the phrase- need a vacation - more than i do now. i really need to take some time off, my back stock of gumption and reserves of drive and inspiration are gone- completely. i have been working this shop thing from the molecule up for the past 10 months - every day. I am drained to the point of overwhelmed. *sigh* :/i dont have fresh eyes to see it with. and i NEED them. how can i cleanse this???
Lynette is trying to worm her way into the shop by sweet talking me into giving her space.. she is playing on my strings of needing an assistant. but i know how this song and dance goes- she comes in all gung ho- changes everything, and then fizzles, leaving me with even more work than i had before and a sense of unacomplishment. she does it Over, and Over and Over again all the places she goes.
so, no. i wont do it.
Maggs has been sick for days now.. and she doesnt have insurance if it gets worse :( stupid fucking bonehead me hasnt gotten her shit in gear and done anything about it. yea.. in all my free time.
you know, I would say something about losing out on having help while Isaac was here- but i didnt. Which is neither he nor I's fault- he is busy in Boston, and I am so busy here. We just don't have it :/ which is crappy.
Its hot in Rollinsford- again. I was hoping we were over this, but no..
Maggs starts school on Thursday. Jeez. School. WHAT THE Crap??
i feel like my life is getting away from me so much.. i want to enjoy the little details.. what little details?
I live in a clusterfuck mess of shit all around me- all this crap in my house and she shop back room is driving me nuts. small place, too much crap cant think straight.
goddamn it.
i need a shower and a frying pan to the head.

you were odd tonight, everything alright with you?

yes, im fine. you mean at dinner? I guess its just me adjusting to not knowing you anymore. you're a stranger. :/

is that a bad thing or good? I have told you things are different and they are, I am!

i dont know.. its just different. you take things for granted when they are in your face, that they will always be a certain way.. but given time, they change. and when you see that they are no longer what they once were its a little strange. Im not saying for better or worse.. just different.
been a lot of that around my life lately...

Had Dinner with Maggs and Pat tonight. Strange thing..
I have been feeling like my Mother all day. RealiZing that i cannot see myslef, i do not know what i look like, or how i seem when i act on anything. it is impossible for me to see myself from the outside. So i see myself as my mother. the tight jeans and small shirts, the attitude, the woman she was when i was a early teen. I cannot identify myself as anything else some days. I wish i could have someone follow me around with a video camera for an entire day and then watch the footage, just so i could see me and identify with myself. Although that leads to the question of the universe imploding in on itself trying to gain knowledge of itself- how WOULD i do that? could i? could i handle seeing myself in every day situations? what do i look like? how do i sound? would i be someone i liked? how would it change me?
i really should find out.
things are not like they were a few weeks ago. Everything seems strange and forign.
The train outside is scary to me rite now.. i dont like how it sounds.. the freight train. they have always scared me. they remind me of being in a Nazi camp for some reason.
Im tired, Lots of emotion has flown around in the past few weeks. I have no clue what life will hold for me anymore, so i am keeping to my pace, knocking on doors- taking one step at a time forward. what works will work what doesnt will fall away.
Good night..

Thursday's Child

....*sigh* has far to go.
Been talking to Mr. Lane lately, always an elusively good time. Sean is the best, love his grumpy ass to pieces.
It has solidified for me that I want to be in a real relationship. I guess with the lack of what should have been in my relationship over the past few years, an understanding of what I do want has been grounded. Didi that come out rite? who knows...
it feels like-
I am getting older, Bullshit aside, and I just want to be stable. I really think (think seems more solid than feel), that my experimenting days are chilled out, that I would like to continue to Explore this world, but from a more stable vantage point. Sean says I should look for someone who has at least 50% of the qualities I am wanting, but not look so hard, and quit trying. Sean is confusing but makes sense at the same time.
I am Pisces. I have this enduing need to belong to someone, and yet be as free as possible.. and Im sick of it. I would just like to find my one to roll with. To fall asleep in their arms..to have a family with, to celebrate Holidays and have morning coffee with.. someone who is attractive physically AND spiritually. but not a wuss. No new age hippie wimp.
maybe hes rite, maybe i need to just close my eyes and wait. and not think. heh. yea rite.
anyways.. must do shop work today. made some orders yesterday and i am happy about that :)
Maggs was sick yesterday, fever and such. Today she is better.. and I am glad. :)
yea.. over and out.

Rainy Wednesday

Stupidly Obvious title.
But, yes.. it's raining outside... a dreary lovely indoor kind of day. Maggie is watching Shows and Movies because she is not feeling well, and I am putting around the house. Im not accomplishing much, seeing as how i really just want to curl up with information and drink tea. :) Am I allowed such things? Yes, Yes I am. I also will do my online orders while I am at it. (attempted that once already, the site ate the damn thing.. after an hour of decisions)
Well, paused and got it made.
Anyways.. I have a feeling i will squander this rainy rainy day..maybe i will cook something. Which sounds like a good plan.. Nothing better on a rainy day than settling in, stabilizing a bit. <3. I miss Home Made food and Good, Home Comfort. Things like comfort dont happen around here much...
Maggs isnt worried about hanging around and doing nothing all day, which is a total bonus.
the Flowers outside are loving this rain. Jazz and Tea for the day.. will thaw the chicken and make Pot Pie for dinner. Maybe some chocolate chip cookies as well :) and i should get the bread machine on. Oh.. I miss these kind of days. <3
Steven Days.. Home Days.
Wish sometimes I still Lived in Farmington.

6 things vs the broken heart.

Here i sit. In the shop. The most ambitious thing i have ever done.. and i think the bottom dropped out of my heart within the past 15 hours or so...
I try to keep myself from feeling too much. I dont want to be sad- ever.
i think i failed miserably.
My heart is broken today, for a couple reasons, but all boil down to the fact that people don't appreciate what they have, it's all taken for granted. Jealous, yes. Why? Because 2 men that I love for different reasons are in situations where they could have so much more, where so much more could be given in total joy, pure bliss- and because of fuck ups of others neither will ever experience it. Its not fair.. altho life is not about fair, because fair does not exist. Only experience.
And then there's me. Me who can be so amazing for someone.. someone. but not any one. where's my someone? *sigh* chasing a train... That due to it's rust & grime, walked away from...
I don't like to cry. It makes me tired. But it wont stop. I was so happy.. if just for a fleeting bit. I crave information, I want confirmation. I want what seems impossible (i like to imagine 6 impossible things before breakfast... ) what would those be? A wonderful man with beautiful looks & Strength and a Harley falls madly in love with me and we live happily ever after, The shop explodes in abundance of cash income and customers, I Own a beautiful Victorian House with acreage and apple trees, im happy again, I have inspiration galore, I accomplish lots each day.
too much to ask?
pack up the train, the penny.... put them away for future reference.

:/

some days i just want to crawl into a hole and die. *sigh*

And then there was...

Rivet Head Boot Stomper....
Listening to Haujobb. Its getting Dark. its time to think.
Think.
Think.
think.....
Its time to reset, reboot, recharge.
Odd to integrate old life into new.. old beautiful pieces into new life and make it all one.
So, Isaac left. But I knew he would. I knew we wouldn't make it when I was talking more and more to the people here and less and less to him. :/ but hey. He will be happy, and so will I - i know this. I am so happy for him and proud of him for doing what he does. We tried.. ish. Too different, but from the same dirt..

And Onto Candlebox.. 10,000 Horses...

Skies so wide the dreamer..
'skies so wide the dreamer does face...
any direction seems like eternity...
and all mole hills become mountains.. and all winds become new direction...
all experience builds beauty'

Need more inspiration about the shop.. need to suck it up and put on my big girl pants and rivet boots and get to massive work on my biggest project outside of Maggie in my life..
Cutting back on all and everything. No frills much anymore. The support of another is not to be taken lightly, and this I know. Not to mention.. we really dont need much. As long as the bills are paid, we're good. Im looking forward to the expansion in this. The blooming of my soul again, on my own.. the endless search of self. This pretty thing that is wanted but never touched. Seems the only person on this planet I have ever been emotionally available for is Magdelana Greenleigh. Blame it on my mother, my childhood, the males.. whatever. I have a depth few can reach and none can touch.. save the archer at one time. yea.. blame it on the males.
Looking forward to finding that one person to connect with on a spiritual soul level. Fish.. Two lost souls swimming in a fish Bowl, year after year...
I must be comfortable here, I have emotion. I have a pull I can feel. in these, the times of quiet and dark, the pull dances within my chest. The pull sings my arms to air, holds my bones to desert moon.. 'dry dusty desert moon, silent, slippery wet moon..' silly thing, see what you've done?
33.. double number.. never have looked at it, Past my mother's beauty. Past my joy space with her. Im a big girl now, with a host of memories-crying-tears and painted bubble smiles. My laughter rings true with a rhythmic sounds or insane children and fast motors. My Laughter sings true in hot hair flattened pennies and daydreamed futures regardless of form. Things held solid work in fire wood, kitchen joy and traditions in family. Coffee in morning porch chairs, chickens henning around, and kisses so sweet.
'I can cook for you every day of your LIFE...' she said as her eyes pleaded, 'I am SO good at Everything I do.. why can't you just stay a little longer? Why can't you just manifest real? All of my dreams and comfort resides on your hands and in our journey - where ARE you? When it's bedtime, why can I not sleep in your arms..' She thought of his eyes, his smile, his voice.. She reminisced on memories yet to be made, family, tradition, pride of her Man.... the pride and love in his eyes reflected to her.. the gentleness in his strong hands.. in all things from the children to their bed. So she sat down, and waited. She knew he would come....
Foot work, Knocking on doors as Mike Dooley Says.
Yes.. and I continue on. But will someone please introduce me to my future already? To my one and all, to my comfort and joy, painfully loving to sorrow and fear. All locked into one..
Cheryl Crow asks 'are you strong enough to be my man?'
Well.. Are you?
...wherever you are.


Shop. Must think on Shop. Magic, Magic, Magic.. and Beauty. Shop.
*sigh* yes. I have all opportunity, and I am grateful and Blessed for it. And I have promised my Opportunity that I will work 150% harder to get it rite and wonderful. And so I go on..
And For all of it, I am grateful.

Universe never fails.

So.. today is my first day of being 'single'... and what do I want to do? Sleep.. Its a perfect day to snuggle up in bed, read books.. so nothing. But.. the duties of a parent state otherwise. I love my daughter. She just turned 5. I remember 5 a little. I remember Kindergarten.
Single. A blank, open Doorway to my future.. the future i write about, the future i dream about...
I love the idea of the image of the white, clean, blank door in a white, clean almost spanish doorway (for its whiteness)
Isaac initiated the conversation i have avoided for so long, I am so grateful. We are so different in lifestyles. But we tried.. and thats all you can do. i am grateful for the expansion of horizons our time together has brought us both. He knows what it will be like to have his real family, and I know what it is like to be in a better place than we grew up.
I have yet to re-adjust my energetics about all of my life.. it kind of hasn't set in yet. It will.
He got a job offer in New York City. He knows I could never live there... and I know he should never be asked to give such an amazing opportunity up for anyone. A kid from the dirt- with NO schooling, a drop out- being offered a job next door to Wall Street.. Hello! no brainer here. I am so happy for him, even if he turns it down. but to be sought out for something like that- jeez!!
Me, I will continue on here in Rollinsford, Running the shop., bringing community together, Helping people on their life paths..
after I get back on track with my own.
I guess Im not really OFF track, I just have some energy I havnt felt before to process.. Magic will help, Intention and Candles will help...
I realize i really havnt processed, I can't even say what i mean.
It will work itself out, the Universe never fails Me.
<3

Breezy with a chance of...

Im tired. Just finished dinner on the deck with The Maggs. We do this the past couple days again- slow down enough to eat outside. Im still not quite in whack. im kind of just observing today the events, and will decide my step from the end result.
What did we do today? Whole crap load of nothing. Got fabrics for the shop. Need to get up the energy charge to reset. *sigh* havnt made it easy on myself by the way i have set up the place, but i will get it done. The rest of the stuff on my list so didnt happen. this weekend is approaching way too fast. Tomorrow is Maggies 5th Birthday.. what to do for her.. *sigh* I didnt even get her flowers. Maybe i will tomorrow.. i am wondering if its even worth it to open the shop tomorrow.

Thunderstorms

There is a beautiful, nice and calm thunderstorm with rain happening outside tonight. The weather has cooled, and I am glad for it.
I am listening to Venice Classical Radio, and Vivaldi is on rite now- my favorite. <3 I had to put on something to remove Bauhaus energy from my system. Joey Posted a video, and stupid me watched it- ICK. i was there, i am not now.. please no. i dont want to feel that.
I have been trying to get back on track this evening. I made a good loaf of bread! last night's attempt sucked bigtime. but tonight, i did better. I also cooked dinner (a wee bit late, but done none the less!!)and i started to clean the bathroom. It was said that there has been major energy static lately in the Heavenly bodies, and boy do i believe it. As static as i have been, i have been that much more happy. I have my own shoes on again.. my ears are pierced again ( a major step) and i am trying to take better care of myself. i have been happy...
Went to school today- those gurlz do me so much good. I do fear I have too much to say some sessions, and that i cut Christine off, and i REALLY need to curb it.. i guess im just so starved for talk of that nature.. well, I hope she will tell me if im being, well, typical me and being offensive.
What else? Truck is still broken, and Its REAL irritating. I will take it and drop it off tomorrow, cause this is getting dumb. Im relying too much on others for vehicle usage.. although Matt doesnt Mind, Tiff may soon. *sigh*
"I have a penny in my pocket.. given to me by an beautiful locomotive-chasing angel riding a bike. I keep this penny in my pocket until the day comes when i will wear it around my neck, and then have it put into a ring. And then the ring will be worn in marriage. and i will live happily ever after with my angel-riding-bike."
heh.
Life.. Love... and living the happiness. Not pursuing, living. each moment. because its always here. never out of our hands, its in every moment, open eyes is all thats required.
And I am so grateful for it all....

Dear Life.. I love you.

Been a bit out of sorts lately.. been happy, and yet WAY out of whack. I have been hanging out with my friends for a week- which has been beautifully fun, but- ugh. I need to get back to my center. Its too much too soon. Yes, I'm social, but WHAM! not THAT social. sheesh. and not 19 anymore. hahah.
I did, on the other hand, have my ears re-pierced with gauged hoops, which i LOVE... and am patiently waiting to have heal so i can sleep normal again.I am seeming to find my beauty again, which has been lost for SO long.. im cooking (went to the grocery! yay!!), i am in Love with Life, and have added a pink guitar and Harley to the list of Chickens, Orchard and such. The farmhouse has changed to a Victorian on Land, which i think is what i meant all along.
Still wondering about other things in life, but they will sort themselves out.. i assume, because i have given up worrying about them. It was what has made me unhappy lately, and i know it causes the same on the other end. when you come to realizations and release the outcome, your load automatically lightens... amazing. Let go and Let... God.. Universe.. Energetics..
i have enough to think and work on without stressin' about something i cannot control.
Then theres Maggie. She will be 5 on Thursday. THURSDAY- FIVE!! what the crap? 5 years of Magdelana?!?!? woah. How awesome is THAT?!?!? super cool.She has taught me so much.. she is the light and love of my life. 2 parties this year on my side- one with the Farmington Family on Thursday Evening, and one on Saturday with the Rollinsford gang.
Speaking of Rollinsford.. I think i really have found a home here... I have made the most amazing friends. Maggs and I are pretty attached to them. We have the BEST community here- between the shop people and the Rolly gang.. we are just so lucky. I never would have imagined moving here would do such amazing things for us. I am really looking forward to the Holidays here. We all have big plans <3. The cats are getting along well, and people far and wide are getting to know BoyBoy by his antics.. Coco Lost ANOTHER collar.. but is doing wonderfully. Srtipey is, well, a Kitten.
well, Life, i Love you..please keep being awesome <3

Ground

Walking my path Lately has been interesting to say the least. I look to one side and see yellow and orange, and the other way it's raining. Im a bit confused. I can see the destiny you hold- just out of reach, like a faint whisper of taunting song. I wait, and I watch things go past.. Until a touch of soft brushes my cheek and all is well.. then fear and hunger well up again and I search. The solid torture and droll fate has been stirred up in eyes wait to be seen. Sparks of light and shimmer of mischief are held just under the surface of laughing blue pools. Child soul walks with grown Strength. Butterfly Kisses refill the core, on this long road of a Ghost Rider. All empty spots filled and well up to overflow.

I am in appreciation of Fathers lately. I love to watch Fathers and their Children. It is a beautiful sight to see.

..but i have you, so thats ok..

so a friend is having a bad day at work.. and she says- but i have you, so its ok- and all i can think is, 'but who do i have? who will carry ME?' *sigh*
I fake the smile because i have to, but I'm here, alone in this room needing a desperate recentering. and it is my own fault. i haven't been doing my work- no journaling, no affirmations, no putting out there what i want. stupid stupid.
i did retail therapy at the thrift stores today, trying to feel ..something.. better. i found a sweet harvest doll, holding wheat, with Scandinavian designs on her dress. i love her. i also picked up clothes i would love to, but probably will never wear.. :(. i am in a bad spot, i want to be in a beautiful harvest, autumn colored spot.
these people are draining me.. think ill go recenter, make my house beautiful and live beautifully-
fuck all else.

Night time .. again

Im tired- obviously. I shouldn't still be up. Its a nice cool night.. well, cooler than it has been.
Cable got shut off today, probably yesterday.. because it went 2 months without being paid. huh. never got a bill. So.. i paid it, but i still dont know why i never got a bill. oh well.. ill forget, i always do. until it gets shut off again. *sigh*
im in my apartment- and it's quiet. Save for the 2 cats. I know im over tired, cause I feel sad for Boy Boy being downstairs alone. Hes fine.. I hope. Had a good dinner with Kris, becoming a Sunday Evening Ritual. Its good to have friends I can be around.. even if none of them are my age. Like for real- NONE. maybe 2. *sigh* one younger, and most way older. whats with that? it is me? what DO people my age do? do i know? no... i dont. Maybe the stuff I like is what an older person would do.. I like to be home, I like to run my business, I like to cook and be with my daughter, and sit on the porch and go for little walks.. is that old? I like to feel secure.. maybe because for so long i was a rambler. Still am in places at heart.But I really would love to feel more secure than I do now. My relationship is up in the air, My business is always fluctuating, and my child keeps GROWING! i know, they do that...
i want stability, home bought and paid for, solid life partner who wants the same things i do... *sigh* yes.. apple trees and chickens...
I am way over tired.

whirl wind

Sometimes I know somewhere in the back of my head that this whole thing I do is like a whirlwind, and if i stop to look at it it will all fall apart. I have to just keep going- dont stop to look around, just push on to the next thing to be done- because there is ALWAYS a next thing to be done. Once in a great while i allow myself a slight second to open my eyes, look at the things around me in whatever room I am in and whatever is in eye-sight, and say- huh, wow. ok. but then, rite back nose to the grind. I have moments of weakness, i have to say- when i am tired.. when I get soul tired, and I not necessarily doubt, but I have feelings of fear. Feelings of overwhelment. Like, dishes needing to be done compounded with child needing to be fed and crying, and a line out the door while i just stand there and stammer. And while none of this EVER occurs in this amount of intensity, it feels like it does. It gets scary when im tired, my thoughts have at time turned to- How am I going to do this? and Strange feelings of 'is this real'? or 'is this rite?' or 'do i look like an idiot to all around me?' But that was then.. and then wasnt so long ago. I now, know that i must be doing something right. People like it, people come back, people believe in what is done and in the soul of it all. People want to be involved... if i was not doing it rite, im sure Lynette would have stepped in by now.. hhaha.. I wish i could hire help at this time, i sure could use it. I, at times hope I am doing enough for Maggie. This all started so i could be home with her.. but that was when it was a home-based business. now we are public. now we have to be out of home.. which isnt so bad, cause our home is small.. haha. not a home, an apartment, where we live rite now.
My dream is still a house, where i have acreage and chickens. I thought i wanted a farmhouse.. but what i really want is a Victorian. With an amazing hearth and library and porch. And Chickens. :) Always the chickens. And established Apple Trees.. just 6. All i need is 6.
Thinking of the house and pumpkins makes me forget my fears and continue on... Love it.

scales tipped.

So now what? Is it the idea of family and tradition that keeps me plugged in? are we similar enough? no. city mouse vs country mouse. I live in a realm of harry potter and Alice in Wonderland.. I live the Secret. I know My chicken dream, my decorated farmers porch for Christmas, and my wood stove and fire place going in the winter. My home made bread made form eggs from my own clucking friends. *sigh* a dirt road, forest to wander, land to roam. I know that city canyons are not for me, that the diffused light is enticing for a day or two, but i need to sink my toes in the earth. I need to know that the rain water i collect can feed my plants not harm them..
Are we so different that it just doesn't fit together? We both want family, fun, comfort... but its the details i suppose that matter... wires and buildings and people for you, vines and trees and animals for me. *sigh*

16 people spending $25 each is $400.. easy as pie! how about 20 people spending $25 each- thats $500! WE CAN DO THIS!! Yessah!

Ghost Rider....

Began Neil Pert's Ghost Rider Tonight. Obsession with Rush always continues on, ever since I was 16.. Zeke introduced me to them, and I ran with Counterparts, expanding to Roll the Bones, and Fly By Night. It went on from there.. then till Now, 17 years later. I have seen Rush in concert once in that time, and will again this September. I currently sing Ghost Rider.. It feeds my eternal wanderlust. Vapor Trails is the best album since Counter Parts in my opinion. I read 21 pages into Neil's book tonight, I have a feeling he will feed more of my lust.
My wander Lust has been in my system as long as I can remember. Before I could drive a vehicle, I would walk.. all over, long night time walks under the street-light illuminated sidewalks of Old Town Cottonwood; Days spent under the paper-shuffling sounds of the Cottonwood trees, high above me, speaking to my heart.. their earthen scent lingering in my nostrils, filling my soul with their stories of magic (which still do ever so seldomly I encounter one on the East coast.. memories-made-emotion come flooding in.. filling my soul with a breath made of comforting recognition). Then- I would drive. My little Toyota Tercel was always pushed beyond the limits that any vehicle could ask to endure and I was so thankful for it. Alone, I would travel the back roads of any place I could- dirt tracks between desert towns, in high forested mountains, ambling cityscapes. Expansion took me over state borders.... then to New England. I drive. When I need to release, gain perspective through clearing, I drive. I go until I can't go any more, or until time restraints catch up with me on basis of commitments to others. (Although this wasnt always true- at points I have not shown up for hours at a job, or for dinner-making-duties...) The last time I drove, I went until it was so dark and rainy I had to turn around because I was unsure where I was, and low on gasoline. But I was completely refreshed upon my return back to my residence.
Home.. Home is vast expanses of Desert Sky that fill my eyes and chest so full that my breath catches in my chest. Presently, I reside in New England's engulfing trees.. and while I appreciate the flora here in the forests, many times I find my being longing for the open expanse of stars, sun, monsoon clouds caught on fire by the setting sun. I long to know the direction I head by merely seeing the Sun or Moon's place in the sky. Desert runs in my soul, Verde is in my blood... the wind rambling over the dry, dusty earth brings the pull of Hope- Hope of being something more, the pull of something better-by knowing the torment and difficulty of desert life. Desert Life means to struggle to get where one's place is, to get what is wanted, one must WORK for it- the soil, the water, the scorching sun.. nothing is given. It is as in the saying - " to know light one must know the dark..." It makes achievement so much more rewarding, gives so much more meaning to the thing being done, the seedling growing from the cracked, dry palate that is given for such creativity. The earth must be worked, the elements worked around- Wind deterred, flooding avoided, water given... then, and only then, the fruits become much more sweet in reward.
New England is Easy.. soft... posh if you will.
I prefer My desert Life.. I love the thrill of the hunt, the sweat, blood, tears and rage to get the work done for its beautiful reward- almost a tragic beauty. Such is the Soul and My Wander Lust...

isnt sure whats wrong... i feel like i need much comfort, i feel like crying all the time lately. i feel worn and so tired. *sigh* im sad.. :(

this week.

wow, what a week. i have to say, that this past week has been one of the best here yet. It started out with the new hours change for the shop. I actually felt like i had days off, finally. And what good days off I had, Maggs and I did all kinds of good things. This home is starting to feel livable. (did i really just write home?) Maggs always says Home is Steven's house. While I agree, I think that this is our home for now.
Then there has been shop life this week, wow, what a ride! all kinds of good people and things just popping up. It really amazes me the way the Universe works. Love it, love it, love it!
So, thats all. Good things and more good things. Thank you Universe :)

Triupped Silly.

....is realizing she is spending too much time on other people. I opened the shop to do my thing. to make and sell my product line.. and my shop is FULL of other people's crap. Well, not crap, but not my stuff. My stuff has one little shelf, and a wall sort of. The wall is nice, but its half supplies. sheesh.
Hm, i have gotten so far away from the core of what I was doing, I have made myself miserable. Go figure, hu? Cool thing is, I can fix this- this is my shop. ;).

poo.

it's still raining. Its been raining for weeks now... every monday and tuesday to be specific. for about 8 weeks now.
i noticed something about photos of me lately that i dont know i have to change. My eyes have the same look as shane's, and other people i have known.. that sagging upper eyelid sign of unhappiness.
ugh.

Drip.. Drip.. Drip..

11:46 pm... and I should be sleeping. There is a cat yawrling outside. not yowling as normal.. a deep guttural sound.. yawrling.
I have been over tired for weeks now. I dont want to be over tired, I want to rest. I know being over tired is really, really bad for me. My tired walls let in fear and doubt that are imagined things that come from no where. I get cranky, super easily frustrated and make rash decisions. Only the latter can I control well. I want to sleep, I dont want to lay awake and think. I need to drink my own concoctions to help me do so. I am in fear a lot lately at night. It seems as though my to-do list is ever growing, never ending and I feel bogged down.
The weather has been unnaturally nice the past 2 days, which freaks me out to the point where I cannot even enjoy it, because I feel like this is just Mother Nature saying sorry for being such an ass with these past two storms and getting ready to hit us with another one.
Since Christmas, my security has been completely shattered. The whole Connie thing, Steven eating any sense of home I had by bringing her into the house (was it the same for him with Isaac?? I pray not..) and then the shop completely flooding and almost doing so again.. I'm just a wreck lately. I wish I could sleep soundly, but I never do. I probably wont until Maggie is 7 or 8. I dont think I have slept well since we lived on Belknap after Pat moved out, but before Isaac moved in.
Living on the second floor freaks me out, all the time, I love my apartment, but am paralyzed by the fear of fire. I lay awake and obsess about the river and some random reason for Maggie being near it and falling in, or us crossing the train tracks and getting our foot caught and getting killed. I do NOT sleep well, and I know that all of these things that keep me awake are because I have been so over tired for so very long.
I love my shop as well, however, I think I need to do something outside of it, or I may become a hermit, concentrating only on one thing, and lose out on so much in life.
Im still trying to fit all of this stuff into our house like a massively detailed jigsaw puzzle. Its quite insane, really. Im pretty much ready to pack the random boxes that are all still full sitting all over, into my truck and take them to storage. I just dont have room for it all. Maggs room is a disaster, mine is as well! When I get up in the mornings, the clutter actually hurts my eyes. I cant stand the sight of it. Its like waaay too much. And I'm overweight and stiff and non-flexible from stress. Damnitt.
now, after all that bitching, what DO I like? I absolutely LOVE my new friends, I like my apartment, its beautiful floors and colors, I like my porch, I like being able to walk outside, I like the fact that the Shop keeps me busy- that I'm not bored and do destructive life-changing things, I like that Isaac and I live in separate places and he visits on the weekends, I really like this town, I love being back in school for herbal stuff- it's totally inspiring. I feel so good when I am there- I can feel sparks of Divine stirring in my soul again, like drops of beauty regaining their shine. I have missed that part of my self.
So, its not all bad, I really think I just need some very very good sleep. I need the rejuvenating rest.. and I think I will start working on helping myself about it tomorrow.

Drive

So, the rain got in, the shop got wet- I got sick. Crap. But, as I sit here in the upstairs, thinking of what to do next, my die-hard drive is kicking in. If you know me, and know me well enough, you will know that when the going gets tough (outside of relationships..) Dawn gets tough and creative. I can feel that Gypsy wind blowing telling me to throw paint around and see what comes of it. so, this I will do. That shop is going to be the damn coolest thing anyone has seen this side of the Junker Girls, and As always, it will come out of my SOul. Screw this whining, sniveling, caution stuff. I have always thrown that to the wind. I definitely will concern myself with the well-being of other's crafts and belongings, but hell- THIS IS A PARTY we live in, not a damn eggshell carpeted room. so.. welcome to this new set up, come on by, fill up your Soul, and Sing Loud with us!

Sitting in the WIndow

I can hear Blue Jay calling from outside, and am Tempted to go find him. I am Sitting at the dry-rotted Outdoor bistro set I SWORE i would not bring in from the patio of our new apartment, watching the morning unfold. It is one of my new favorite things to do. Morning, Coffee, Window. But, you know.. aside from the fact that it's falling apart (the chair seats are slowly falling through with each planting of our tushes) i like the set up.
Its the same with this whole situation. New Apartment, The Shop, Life. Maggs and I have moved into the New Apartment that was at first thought of to be WAY too small to handle the two of us (ok, me and all my stuff), but has turned out to be just rite! As it stands, there are bags of clothes and boxes of things all over, because we lack proper furniture to put them away- dressers and shelving, but hey- its ok, it will come. We have a few little house plants, a couple of fish and we are good. Dew it still with Steven, kind of miss her.. But I know, she is SO much more comfortable over there for now. We will see what happens in the future.
Its quiet here. You would think, being on THE main street, that it would be unbearably loud.. but its not. Guess Rollinsford just isnt that kind of place. We have met all KINDS of people in this amazing new venture, made such great friends. We have some wonderful friends rite here in town, just acros the street, and up the road. Maggie has actual friends her OWN age to play with- and GIRLS none the less!! it is wonderful for her. I love having friends as well, male and female for once!! The women I have met via the shop opening are so wonderful and spiritual! aahhhh..
All of this is what I have wanted for SO long. I feel like I actually Belong to a real community!! I guess I have Leanne and Isaac to thank most of all, and then down the line of all these other people that have stepped into the picture- so many, and so wonderful.
(although, I can hear Christine saying that I need to thank MYSELF first, because it all came from me... so, yes, I am thankful that I have the drive and creativity to do such things.. not to mention the imagination!)
Speaking of such people, I start an apprentiship under Christine Tolf on March 8th. :D I am super looking forward to it, more ID work, more research, more making stuff!! Yahoo! I look forward to learning more about body systems because I am not so good at clincal. see? I cant even spell it ;) I am totally down with growing things, playing with them, knowing the plants.. but Giving them to people?? I dunno? heh. Guess I didnt get that part out of my first Apprentiship. Who knows. That whole Situation is odd.. with Wendy Fogg. She came to see me on Sunday. For literally 5 minutes. It was strange- they all said it would happen, they were all rite :) She came in, put on that false face of "oh, so glad to see you..." and by the time she left, looked like Medusa. *sigh* Poor lady lives in fear, like Salandrea. Not fun. Disslike button goes here. Please, I PRAY- if I EVER get that way, someone pull me out of it, remind me of my light and then let me sit by the water for a while.
I really enjoy having older women around me, as well. Christine, Deb, Pammie, and Kris. They are like my Mothers.. Its like a Native thing, the Wise Women Council. Totally grateful for them.
Hm.. what else? well, got the SIlverado Back. Wonderful to have a truck! We have been putting lots of money into it, new tires, brakes, exhaust.. and new campershell on the way i think. (and she was running a little rough last night.. NOT looking forward to finding out what THAT is.. ok, maybe i am, just so i can get it fixed.)
Isaac is doing well, hes such a sought-after thing in his field. People chase him all the time. He comes up on the weekends, like a mini-vacation to spend time with us, and get fed. Maggie and he are bonding something amazing! I am so glad for them. He and I are getting some good relaxed talking time in, too. We have bonding nights of sitting at the little table, listening to music and yacking it up :) dig it! lots of laughter ensues! its been so fun, and I am glad it is turning out like I hoped. Thank GoD Indiana Sucked ass. ;)
Well.. I suppose thats about all.. thinking of going for a walk this morning. May be a beautifully clearing way to start the day :)
I am grateful for my friends, family, life and Love. I am Blessed a thousand times over, and I am in LOve with life. *sigh* Im so glad.

WalKinG, WatchIng, TurnIng Away.

ANd WHat caN i DO But Watch WhiLE he MaKes SucH a BliNd Mistake? NothIng. I caNNot Scream it AloUd- It WouLd FaLL onLy to DeaD Ears SilEnceD bY anImaLiStic InStinct. I DaNce ThiS naTiVe wAy- CalIche and SunSets of LightniNg and Dry BreRzEs, I WhIle aWay My HouRs FeEdinG my Soul throUgh thIS liGhT caLLed ExpreSSion. He WaTchEd aS i BliNdlY wEnt Forth inTo a DaYdrEam whIspeRed Wish, anD caUghT me WheN i FelL to knEES-BrokEn-HearT. CaN I do The SaMe WheN I'M alReaDy GoNE? So FrEE a SpiriT he LocKS awAy UndEr KeePing of PattErns coLored New. TrAde onE for AnothER, anD Be RecoVerEd. No. I dO Not AgrEE, I TurN awAy whiLe hE quOtes ThiS laTest SaVior-aNd-DistrAction caLLed Woman. I WilL neVer-ItteRate I wIlL onLy Be UndeR the Radar, anD watCh. My PeAce ShaTTereD by Things so UnknOWn DonE by CalLousEd Hands. My SaFeTy aNd SaBilIty WaLkEd ThrouGh, Mug iN hand. AnD herE i StaNd, WinD echOing, StrIppIng warmth FroM cRacKs in BricK waLL, MakIng a firSt Move to His EasE and SlidE doWn slOpe of PattErn RecogNitIon. (NoT thAt iT wiLL be Seen.) HerE i Glow. HeRe I GrOw. HerE I Flow.... anD on I walk. I CaNNot waTch, So AwAy I turN.

Saturday. Today. The sun is rising on the Eastern Horizon, and faint wisps of my dreams are still poking through the Veil, not quite to be caught. They are burning off like the fog on a spring morning.
But, the coffee in front of me will pull me up and the "shunshine" will warm my bones.
We have a Shop. We have a new apartment. We now have a full fledged life. And it's beautiful.
Tonight is the first meeting of the New England Metaphysical Group at the Shop, and I am to give the talk on "Herbology" as it was stated- now this tells me one of two things is occuring here, either the people i will be talking to dont have much of an idea about herbalism and energetics, or they know way more than I do, and Im done for. heh.
However, in true Dawnie fashion, I have decided to wow them with color, text and Magic of a true Hearth Witch. "Here-smell this!" hate it? KNOW WHY? ;)
I always wait until the VERY last minute to do things like this, i am SO uninspired before then. I layed in bed last night thinking and waiting for inspiration, and Poof! of course it came! ;)
The shop is going fantastically. January is slow, but it is to be expected for the first January in it's 3 month life. ( not even three months yet, actually!) Its beautiful inside, altho i think it's getting a tad cluttered in the windows.. I must get up the plant shelves. I have been very much so enjoying the people I meet, the friends we have made. We have visitors all the time, and it is wonderful. The Mountain women came down last night and brought us crystals from a chandelier for the windows to sell! how wonderful! Our major classes are starting, Christine's Flower essence class is net Saturday, Steven is going to build me folding screens for room division. First Thursday is starting Feb. 4th in Rollinsford! Knitting is tomorrow, Deb holds a Herbal day spa on the 6th, Tarot gets read again on the 31st by Kelley Talylore; sooo much! and its so nice!
And the awesomest thing- we rented the apartment above the shop! Maggs and I will be there full time soon! (well, almost full time, we will be here at Stevens a couple days a week, and there 5 i think... Stevo still needs us for a bit ;). I have already hung the wind chime, and as soon as the bath tub gets taken care of, we re in! :) And I have to say, my land lords are so wonderful. I really enjoy working with the Owners of the Salmon Falls Mills.. and I hear we will have a ton of space opening in the lower mill! Time to get some new recruits! :)
hm... what else? not much, the sun is coming more and more every day, the weather has been more mild this past few days- OH! and I am getting the Silverado all for my own! how happy am I?? Jumping up and DOWN for joy! :D I loooove the Silverado!
ok, over and out! gotta get ready for el day a gogo at el shoppy a gogo!