“If you swim effortlessly in the deep oceans, ride the waves to and from
the shore, if you can breathe under water and dine on the deep
treasures of the seas; mark my words, those who dwell on the rocks
carrying nets will try to reel you into their catch. The last thing they
want is for you to thrive in your habitat because they stand in their
atmosphere where they beg and gasp for some air.”
~C. JoyBell C.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Grow
"Grow up" they said- get real
There is no growing up, there is merely growing, there is only gaining experience.
"Growing up" is a fallacy created by soccer moms in suburbia to measure keeping up with the joneses. This is the Wild. This is where the sun and moon rise for the whole of the Universe. This place of souls and wind will always keep me young and filled with awe.
Grow up. Plants grow up- towards the sun. Which is only outward toward the universe, against the gravitational pull, expansion in being. There is no 'grow up'.
There is only grow.
So no, I shall not.
Monday, December 23, 2013
setpoints and change.
So, I sit here with my Sister... my sister but not my sister. And I am grateful. We do life things.. laundry, dishes, grocery. The normal things. Things that for so long I have wanted to do. And again, I am grateful. She even refills the coffee pot when she empties it.
This is what 'normal' feels like.
It is good for me to be learning. It is good to have these experiences. They may be small, they may seem trivial... but to me they mean a lot. Talking, Agreeing, Being a family. It is so good to learn.
I know it is something that is helping me, because my emotional and spiritual setpoint will adjust to it, and it will be a 'norm' for me.
And then I hope to not go back to things that are unhealthy for me.
It's interesting....
and Good.
and here comes the Holiday.
This is what 'normal' feels like.
It is good for me to be learning. It is good to have these experiences. They may be small, they may seem trivial... but to me they mean a lot. Talking, Agreeing, Being a family. It is so good to learn.
I know it is something that is helping me, because my emotional and spiritual setpoint will adjust to it, and it will be a 'norm' for me.
And then I hope to not go back to things that are unhealthy for me.
It's interesting....
and Good.
and here comes the Holiday.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
so grateful.
It's interesting, what's important to people... the little things that mean so much. My sister bought a Pyrex Measuring cup the other day, and you would have thought it was the biggest act of rebellion and greatest gift for herself. Made me laugh. I understand where she was coming from....
We are here, in Arizona. There is a wind today that is neither warm nor frozen. I am glad for it... I am glad to be in a land of nonexcess. (well, until Summer I suppose.. but I am okay with that part). Pieces parts are familliar, memory sparks from an adult perspective and then the emotion surrounding things change.
Healing ensues.
I have a hard time with looking back at NH. I have had to make it a point to not see images of my old home, of my old belongings. It was said that this was the same to a friend, our move, as her divorce.... And I have to say, it strangely is that for me as well. It feels like when I left Shane for NH. Knowing all the things that I built for so long I had left behind. Not being able to see or hear about my old house because my things were there, being used by people I didnt know. Resentment filled any space that was left in that old home.. which is now here, in this Valley...
But in time, it faded, after 13 years, I don't remember.. because I built new memories, acquired new things.
I will do that again. My gypsy cave, my artist lair, my WildDen will be rebuilt.. but in a Merlin Fashion. The only missing element of the past. I will have our own home, where hurt and anger and resentment do not reside. Where silliness abounds, like it does now. Where family, and Holidays and Tradition are of utmost importance - as they are here and now, and will never leave again.
It has taken me a bit to readjust to this new life, a life that is actually my own true level of comfort. It is like stepping back into a pair of my favorite comfortable shoes. This is the life I remember, This is how I was programmed, this is the good stuff. The silly daily life of christmas lights and counters needing to be cleared. The running kids to school and whats for dinner comforts.
I am so very grateful to be living this life, a normal life, a comforting, fitting life...
My soul is calm, and my heart no longer aches or has static.
Its new, and it's good.
And I am so grateful....
We are here, in Arizona. There is a wind today that is neither warm nor frozen. I am glad for it... I am glad to be in a land of nonexcess. (well, until Summer I suppose.. but I am okay with that part). Pieces parts are familliar, memory sparks from an adult perspective and then the emotion surrounding things change.
Healing ensues.
I have a hard time with looking back at NH. I have had to make it a point to not see images of my old home, of my old belongings. It was said that this was the same to a friend, our move, as her divorce.... And I have to say, it strangely is that for me as well. It feels like when I left Shane for NH. Knowing all the things that I built for so long I had left behind. Not being able to see or hear about my old house because my things were there, being used by people I didnt know. Resentment filled any space that was left in that old home.. which is now here, in this Valley...
But in time, it faded, after 13 years, I don't remember.. because I built new memories, acquired new things.
I will do that again. My gypsy cave, my artist lair, my WildDen will be rebuilt.. but in a Merlin Fashion. The only missing element of the past. I will have our own home, where hurt and anger and resentment do not reside. Where silliness abounds, like it does now. Where family, and Holidays and Tradition are of utmost importance - as they are here and now, and will never leave again.
I am so very grateful to be living this life, a normal life, a comforting, fitting life...
My soul is calm, and my heart no longer aches or has static.
Its new, and it's good.
And I am so grateful....
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Dec One.
So, on this 1st of December (despite the calendar being a man-made thing...) I am thinking about where I AM and what that means. I am home.. I have waited many, many years to be here. It was never 'time' before, regardless of my longing, the signs were never pointing this way. (but I always knew I would come back). I am grateful for the time away, I would never have been able to sustain here, had skills to share or a support system so strong. I feel I did what I could in NH, I made amazing bonds, had brilliant experiences and expanded my world more than I ever knew was possible. None of that would have happened in this little Valley. And now... I am glad to quietly share what I have learned in ways useful to others, sing love songs to this place, and laugh with my family daily in Joy.. Yes. Life is good, and I am grateful.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Moon....
So, here I sit. Under my desert sky... stars and moon.. wide.
A new self, with old ghosts.
Fears that tug at the back of my chest reminding me of where I was, and the gift of now.
grown.
aged.
distracted.
given.
Grateful and Clear
there are things I want to say.. things I want to prepare for that should be screamed from soul. things to give back and let loose.
Things about younger years, of pain, tears, hopes and joys. things about unknowing, and trust. Things confused and things seen clear. Gratitudes and deliverances. Gifts to be given as acknowledgements, questions to be answered.
I look forward to the time when I can sit and refuel my soul through caliche dust breeze and clear air sun. Times of fingers in white earth tracing away the stories, allowing the darkness to be drawn from their tips.
... time away from this magical place did that...
I am back to a place where things have no name, where all reality is soul reality. Where the I AM is all there is. I am back to ground so holy and so sacred, where water runs clear and skies go on for ever. There is something novel in the things I always rebelled against in years past.. something humblingly touching.... something precious.
I am curious to watch the night sky spin it's course.. to greet the morning sky with a smile.
This land is my land. I am of it's spine colored self and its open ended ever-ness. I am here to regain my footing in my own self, to practice being beautiful, to sing songs of soul to monsoon and mesquite.
I am here to learn to love openly to spread my soul-arms wide and feel the pulse of the rushing water. I am here to teach my future generation to breathe the harmony of this land, to know it's cycles and turns.
I am here to reconnect and re-member.
And in these easy shoes I walk...
A new self, with old ghosts.
Fears that tug at the back of my chest reminding me of where I was, and the gift of now.
grown.
aged.
distracted.
given.
Grateful and Clear
there are things I want to say.. things I want to prepare for that should be screamed from soul. things to give back and let loose.
Things about younger years, of pain, tears, hopes and joys. things about unknowing, and trust. Things confused and things seen clear. Gratitudes and deliverances. Gifts to be given as acknowledgements, questions to be answered.
I look forward to the time when I can sit and refuel my soul through caliche dust breeze and clear air sun. Times of fingers in white earth tracing away the stories, allowing the darkness to be drawn from their tips.
... time away from this magical place did that...
I am back to a place where things have no name, where all reality is soul reality. Where the I AM is all there is. I am back to ground so holy and so sacred, where water runs clear and skies go on for ever. There is something novel in the things I always rebelled against in years past.. something humblingly touching.... something precious.
I am curious to watch the night sky spin it's course.. to greet the morning sky with a smile.
This land is my land. I am of it's spine colored self and its open ended ever-ness. I am here to regain my footing in my own self, to practice being beautiful, to sing songs of soul to monsoon and mesquite.
I am here to learn to love openly to spread my soul-arms wide and feel the pulse of the rushing water. I am here to teach my future generation to breathe the harmony of this land, to know it's cycles and turns.
I am here to reconnect and re-member.
And in these easy shoes I walk...
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Old and New
As some have said, moving has taken a lot of courage.
Or maybe something else.
Maybe a shut-down.
I haven't allowed myself to feel about moving because it is sad and hurting as much as it is joyful and exciting.
I know that sometime, it will be okay, it will be as happy as I have wanted it to be.
Rite now, it it like a skeleton circus. A strange, bizarre world of memories made of spun sugar too fragile to touch.
Its so surreal I cannot feel it, things just happen here.
Very good things happen here. Things that are frighteningly so good I am unable to think them real.
"it's too easy.. " my fear filled child self says in the night, when I am tired and uncomfortable in my own skin..."this is some cruel joke that will be whisked away at any moment."
I feel as if the glass menagerie will fall apart at any given second and I will be dragged crying back to the place I left, to beg shelter and food for Maggie and I. To go back to living like a puppet in skin old and sagging. Back to a dreary world of cold where life is governed by everyone around me, unable to stand on my own two feet, given into being tossed around like a dirty rag doll.
I escaped.
It seems so unreal.
And I am so afraid. I am so afraid for Maggie. I am scared she will be hurt in it all. All she knew I have removed and placed her in a new world and asked her to adjust under an unknown pretense of my own soul death.
I cannot go back.
I will not make it.
My spark will truly die if I have to return.
There wont even be enough of me to be anything for her.
I will completely wither... I will have soul dark.
I left behind so many of our belongings. I couldn't bring some of her things, and I ache over those things. They are just things for sure.. but still. She is only a child.
But I would have died. I would not have made it.
I pray this ache of fear subside soon. It is there, but most of the time its dark head doesn't show.. most of the time the desert sun soothes it, and the promise of a good life's laughter makes the pain invisible.
I will do all I can, in all my soul to make Maggie's life beautiful here, for her. More family, not to replace the old, but to add to what she has. Good experiences to expand her horizons. A full life.
And I know for me.. Eventually the threat fear will subside, when all is said and done with courts and I have had time to be here, and the desert wind and clay have regained their place in my bones and blood.
Beautiful things are happening in my life for sure.. things I never imagined could be for me. I look forward to the days when their sweetness can be fully enjoyed throughout my soul.
Until then I am so grateful....regardless...
Or maybe something else.
Maybe a shut-down.
I haven't allowed myself to feel about moving because it is sad and hurting as much as it is joyful and exciting.
I know that sometime, it will be okay, it will be as happy as I have wanted it to be.
Rite now, it it like a skeleton circus. A strange, bizarre world of memories made of spun sugar too fragile to touch.
Its so surreal I cannot feel it, things just happen here.
Very good things happen here. Things that are frighteningly so good I am unable to think them real.
"it's too easy.. " my fear filled child self says in the night, when I am tired and uncomfortable in my own skin..."this is some cruel joke that will be whisked away at any moment."
I feel as if the glass menagerie will fall apart at any given second and I will be dragged crying back to the place I left, to beg shelter and food for Maggie and I. To go back to living like a puppet in skin old and sagging. Back to a dreary world of cold where life is governed by everyone around me, unable to stand on my own two feet, given into being tossed around like a dirty rag doll.
I escaped.
It seems so unreal.
And I am so afraid. I am so afraid for Maggie. I am scared she will be hurt in it all. All she knew I have removed and placed her in a new world and asked her to adjust under an unknown pretense of my own soul death.
I cannot go back.
I will not make it.
My spark will truly die if I have to return.
There wont even be enough of me to be anything for her.
I will completely wither... I will have soul dark.
I left behind so many of our belongings. I couldn't bring some of her things, and I ache over those things. They are just things for sure.. but still. She is only a child.
But I would have died. I would not have made it.
I pray this ache of fear subside soon. It is there, but most of the time its dark head doesn't show.. most of the time the desert sun soothes it, and the promise of a good life's laughter makes the pain invisible.
I will do all I can, in all my soul to make Maggie's life beautiful here, for her. More family, not to replace the old, but to add to what she has. Good experiences to expand her horizons. A full life.
And I know for me.. Eventually the threat fear will subside, when all is said and done with courts and I have had time to be here, and the desert wind and clay have regained their place in my bones and blood.
Beautiful things are happening in my life for sure.. things I never imagined could be for me. I look forward to the days when their sweetness can be fully enjoyed throughout my soul.
Until then I am so grateful....regardless...
Monday, November 4, 2013
Ease
Arizona.
I am not centered, so I have not collected my thoughts or meditated. I almost feel like a breeze...
there are birds in the cedars out front of the apartment, they squeek and chirp. I like them.
I also like that I don't feel on edge all of the time, I am calm and at ease.
I stop every so often, and remember that I don't have to be afraid to do anything. The central air is nice, temprature control is okay, if it's warm in the house, Erica tuns on the AC and it cools down, of it's cool in the mornings, she turns on the heat. She leaves lights on upstairs at night so we can see to go up, She is okay with laundry in a pile when it's time to wash it.
Its so nice to cook family dinners that everyone eats. No qualms about anything. Food is food, and it is good.
Sitting at night on the couch watching TV together, going to town, doing normal things. No plan, no rush, no fears, no static. Just family. Just us.
It is good... it is so good.
So at ease. So very, very, good.
I am grateful. and Happy.
Finally a light heart Have I.
Thank you.
I am not centered, so I have not collected my thoughts or meditated. I almost feel like a breeze...
there are birds in the cedars out front of the apartment, they squeek and chirp. I like them.
I also like that I don't feel on edge all of the time, I am calm and at ease.
I stop every so often, and remember that I don't have to be afraid to do anything. The central air is nice, temprature control is okay, if it's warm in the house, Erica tuns on the AC and it cools down, of it's cool in the mornings, she turns on the heat. She leaves lights on upstairs at night so we can see to go up, She is okay with laundry in a pile when it's time to wash it.
Its so nice to cook family dinners that everyone eats. No qualms about anything. Food is food, and it is good.
Sitting at night on the couch watching TV together, going to town, doing normal things. No plan, no rush, no fears, no static. Just family. Just us.
It is good... it is so good.
So at ease. So very, very, good.
I am grateful. and Happy.
Finally a light heart Have I.
Thank you.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Surreal and Fear
It's surreal being here in Arizona. It is a treasure beyond treasures. It feels so precious and fragile.
It feels as though at any minute it could be stolen away from me.
It is also interesting to think on my reactions and actions to things... like lights, and toilet paper, and pans.
Granted, it's only been a few days, but I catch myself walking on egg shells- turn off lights, hide my things away, don't expect to be interacted with.
But it is so different here. Lights are okay to be on. Erica WANTS to talk to me. She doesn't touch my cast iron pans. It's okay to use toilet paper- there is no septic system..
Please let this be real, please please just let me keep this. I've waited for so long...
Please don't take this away from me.. if I have to go back to New Hampshire, it will kill my spirit.
(I am so scared something is going to break this...)
I enjoy every precious moment. Every Single One.
It feels as though at any minute it could be stolen away from me.
It is also interesting to think on my reactions and actions to things... like lights, and toilet paper, and pans.
Granted, it's only been a few days, but I catch myself walking on egg shells- turn off lights, hide my things away, don't expect to be interacted with.
But it is so different here. Lights are okay to be on. Erica WANTS to talk to me. She doesn't touch my cast iron pans. It's okay to use toilet paper- there is no septic system..
Please let this be real, please please just let me keep this. I've waited for so long...
Please don't take this away from me.. if I have to go back to New Hampshire, it will kill my spirit.
(I am so scared something is going to break this...)
I enjoy every precious moment. Every Single One.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
2 days
2 days to go. Working like a mad-woman every day to get this house in order, all of the things we need/want packed and the rest taken care of for Mike. Don't want to leave ties or anything he has to clean up.
Its been a mad whirl wind. But a wonderful one! It's almost amazing to me how easy the details of this decision have been. NOTHING worked for over a year for me.. I tried numerous things, wall after wall was hit.
And then this.
And the road was paved easy and smooth.. quite beautifully.
All the things fell into place. Home, Job, School, Truck, selling belongings.
Helps me remember my Universals.
Not going to like sleeping in a truck for 2 nights, but Hey.. it's worth it.
The friends all showed up at LaFesta last night for a send off dinner, it was so nice! I appreciated them all.
Well.. today I need to blaze through the basement, finish the bedrooms and detail the kitchen (last run through) and pack it all up. 37 boxes.. though I wouldn't mind being under a little.
First.. get the kiddo up, fed and off to school, run to pick up more tape (thinking I fund the tape companies lately) and then dead run at it all. I will rest tomorrow.
I have to say, its a load lightened to release all the random junk I've been dragging around for years. rather freeing! no crap to move!
Its been a mad whirl wind. But a wonderful one! It's almost amazing to me how easy the details of this decision have been. NOTHING worked for over a year for me.. I tried numerous things, wall after wall was hit.
And then this.
And the road was paved easy and smooth.. quite beautifully.
All the things fell into place. Home, Job, School, Truck, selling belongings.
Helps me remember my Universals.
Not going to like sleeping in a truck for 2 nights, but Hey.. it's worth it.
The friends all showed up at LaFesta last night for a send off dinner, it was so nice! I appreciated them all.
Well.. today I need to blaze through the basement, finish the bedrooms and detail the kitchen (last run through) and pack it all up. 37 boxes.. though I wouldn't mind being under a little.
First.. get the kiddo up, fed and off to school, run to pick up more tape (thinking I fund the tape companies lately) and then dead run at it all. I will rest tomorrow.
I have to say, its a load lightened to release all the random junk I've been dragging around for years. rather freeing! no crap to move!
Friday, October 18, 2013
holiday
This will be the last Holiday we miss out of chaos or crisis.
I am feeling poorly tonight for the lack of Halloween spirit I have, not that I even remember it is the Halloween season. And I won't have a chance to even really celebrate it much- too much to do.
Maggie will get to Trick or Treat with Erica and Matthew and I in Clarkdale so that is good.
Still burning through the house, Tired tonight for sure.
feeling a little worn. Good to know I can unload anything I dont sell to Vanessa at her thrift store.
7 days.
Then off to home.
It will be a lot of emotions.. i think.
But I will be glad to have the continuous nagging in the back of my head gone.
I can finally settle down.
I am feeling poorly tonight for the lack of Halloween spirit I have, not that I even remember it is the Halloween season. And I won't have a chance to even really celebrate it much- too much to do.
Maggie will get to Trick or Treat with Erica and Matthew and I in Clarkdale so that is good.
Still burning through the house, Tired tonight for sure.
feeling a little worn. Good to know I can unload anything I dont sell to Vanessa at her thrift store.
7 days.
Then off to home.
It will be a lot of emotions.. i think.
But I will be glad to have the continuous nagging in the back of my head gone.
I can finally settle down.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Life will ..
I am wide awake at 1:08 am. I was thinking about a few of my precious belongings, and I could feel the yuck begin to creep in, so i got up and made tea.
And Think.
I know I am starting over- again. This will be #2 major restart in my life. I did this once when I was 22, to come to NH.
and there have been several small reboots in between
But this will be the last one.
When I get home, I will not restart again. I am all done with major uproot adventures. I am too old for it, and I am ready to settle and live from a new perspective. A comfortable perspective.
I spent the last few years working myself into a place where I felt extremely trapped, and was very distracted until a year ago. The distraction was good.. but when it ended, the trapped part became a forefront thing that had me flailing.
It took me the whole year to come to my stop-point of just being ready to go where I have wanted to be for a very long time.
I have been working fast and very determinedly for the past week now to accomplish the goal I have set for myself.
And it feels more right than anything has in a very long time.
No more distractions. Just going home.. to build a life where I never have to uproot again. A life where I am comfortable and secure.
I have never felt that way in New England.
I came here to grow, to learn a way of being in my own shoes, of who I am - in ways I never could ever have done in the Valley. I had to have the outside culture and exposure and influences. They have gifted me more than anything could.
And now I will take this and go back to my world to put it to beautiful use, and give back more than I had ever had as a child.
I am grateful for the beauty of it all.
Rite now, to get it done, I want to hold onto the drive, the determination and not get into any of the fear base that holds me to anything physical - the belongings. I will take with us what is important to us, and leave that which is unnecessary. What a beautiful weight to have lift! I have always been told I have too much 'crap', and you know what? there IS too much unnecessary junk kicking around, and that is okay. I am looking forward to arriving with just enough things that I can pick them up and move them easily. I will re-collect things as I live along in time... and they will have good meaning to them. But for now.. Now, I am looking forward to new and happy sunsets and beautiful sunrises.
I am grateful for all who have crossed my path here in New England.
And Think.
I know I am starting over- again. This will be #2 major restart in my life. I did this once when I was 22, to come to NH.
and there have been several small reboots in between
But this will be the last one.
When I get home, I will not restart again. I am all done with major uproot adventures. I am too old for it, and I am ready to settle and live from a new perspective. A comfortable perspective.
I spent the last few years working myself into a place where I felt extremely trapped, and was very distracted until a year ago. The distraction was good.. but when it ended, the trapped part became a forefront thing that had me flailing.
It took me the whole year to come to my stop-point of just being ready to go where I have wanted to be for a very long time.
I have been working fast and very determinedly for the past week now to accomplish the goal I have set for myself.
And it feels more right than anything has in a very long time.
No more distractions. Just going home.. to build a life where I never have to uproot again. A life where I am comfortable and secure.
I have never felt that way in New England.
I came here to grow, to learn a way of being in my own shoes, of who I am - in ways I never could ever have done in the Valley. I had to have the outside culture and exposure and influences. They have gifted me more than anything could.
And now I will take this and go back to my world to put it to beautiful use, and give back more than I had ever had as a child.
I am grateful for the beauty of it all.
Rite now, to get it done, I want to hold onto the drive, the determination and not get into any of the fear base that holds me to anything physical - the belongings. I will take with us what is important to us, and leave that which is unnecessary. What a beautiful weight to have lift! I have always been told I have too much 'crap', and you know what? there IS too much unnecessary junk kicking around, and that is okay. I am looking forward to arriving with just enough things that I can pick them up and move them easily. I will re-collect things as I live along in time... and they will have good meaning to them. But for now.. Now, I am looking forward to new and happy sunsets and beautiful sunrises.
I am grateful for all who have crossed my path here in New England.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Decision
So, today, I made the biggest decision I have made for many years... I am taking Maggie, and I am going Home.
My soul has longed to go home for almost 13 years. I have cried since I got here to return to my home soil.
And today, I decided to go. I had FINALLY had enough. I have realized that all my dreams and aspirations revolve around one thing- Home. My land, My acres and life.. all home. All Verde Valley.
I was shown all I asked for in the past 4 days- Vermont, woodstove, off grid.. and It came to one thing. It was not WHERE I wanted. It had the rite colors.. but the wrong shape.
so, tomorrow I start selling all the things I have dearly clung to and we start the transition of moving and setting up a whole new life.
Which.. wonderfully.. is all laid out easily. I called the VV Montessori School, and they had ONE place left. It is now Maggie's
I am feeling the peace of home already.. and how wonderful I know it will be. My support system there is beautiful- and one of the BEST parts in the universe- NO SNOW!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! yep- NO snow!! Winter is going to totally flipping ROCK! and be OVER at the end of February!! Happy birthday to meeeee!!
Maggie is excited to FINALLY meet all the people and places she has heard about for ever. They are all excited to meet her!
I know we will go home and have amazing friends greet us, sunshine, glorious mountains, open stars, and LOVE!! So much LOVE!!
I am over the moon. My heart FINALLY feels good!!!
Thank you universe!! Thank you!!
Love, Dawn Marie!
My soul has longed to go home for almost 13 years. I have cried since I got here to return to my home soil.
And today, I decided to go. I had FINALLY had enough. I have realized that all my dreams and aspirations revolve around one thing- Home. My land, My acres and life.. all home. All Verde Valley.
I was shown all I asked for in the past 4 days- Vermont, woodstove, off grid.. and It came to one thing. It was not WHERE I wanted. It had the rite colors.. but the wrong shape.
so, tomorrow I start selling all the things I have dearly clung to and we start the transition of moving and setting up a whole new life.
Which.. wonderfully.. is all laid out easily. I called the VV Montessori School, and they had ONE place left. It is now Maggie's
I am feeling the peace of home already.. and how wonderful I know it will be. My support system there is beautiful- and one of the BEST parts in the universe- NO SNOW!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! yep- NO snow!! Winter is going to totally flipping ROCK! and be OVER at the end of February!! Happy birthday to meeeee!!
Maggie is excited to FINALLY meet all the people and places she has heard about for ever. They are all excited to meet her!
I know we will go home and have amazing friends greet us, sunshine, glorious mountains, open stars, and LOVE!! So much LOVE!!
I am over the moon. My heart FINALLY feels good!!!
Thank you universe!! Thank you!!
Love, Dawn Marie!
Distractions
I always feel like everything I get myself into is just a distraction from going home.
I just want to go home.....
Time to make a plan.
this time, for real.
I just want to go home.....
Time to make a plan.
this time, for real.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Vermont
So, we are in Vermont. We stayed the night at a woman named Terry's house.
I asked the Universe to please help me, to show me a sign.
And I was hit like a 2 X 4 in the head with this.
She needs a roommate- someone to help with the dogs. For room and board.
I was so excited.. until I got here. I was hoping to have a revelation, some sort of insane overload of sensory perception of correctness.
I don't. I'm uneasy. I can only feel like I did with my horrid step mother, and with Lisa the neighbor and Wendy the herbalist and being stranded in the winter.
I don't know if it would be best for Maggie.
I don't know if it would be best for me.
No internet is an issue for me.
I have a yuck heart, I am unsure. I will continue packing.
I need to talk to Steven about it.
I wish I understood.
I asked the Universe to please help me, to show me a sign.
And I was hit like a 2 X 4 in the head with this.
She needs a roommate- someone to help with the dogs. For room and board.
I was so excited.. until I got here. I was hoping to have a revelation, some sort of insane overload of sensory perception of correctness.
I don't. I'm uneasy. I can only feel like I did with my horrid step mother, and with Lisa the neighbor and Wendy the herbalist and being stranded in the winter.
I don't know if it would be best for Maggie.
I don't know if it would be best for me.
No internet is an issue for me.
I have a yuck heart, I am unsure. I will continue packing.
I need to talk to Steven about it.
I wish I understood.
Friday, October 4, 2013
a Me...
there are days when I absolutely hate being alone, feeling so beaten and upset.
that would be today. I really feel like running and hiding. My morning was wonderful.
I got to spend it with Maggie. We had a good time... and then I came home.
I came home to an ugly pissed off michael.
And got into an argument.. as always when he's in a bad mood. He was mad because I brought home more food.
But I brought it home for us all.. Because I know he likes things like swiss chard.
but that didnt matter. what mattered was his bad mood, and he kicked the dog.. again.
it got ugly.
I am so tired of his meanness.. and I now have no one to talk to about it.
I have no where to move to, and no job.
I know that I am not supposed to Reitterate all the negativity. I know I am supposed to do ...something..differently...
But In my upset, I get lost. I wish I had a ME to talk to.
*sigh*
that would be today. I really feel like running and hiding. My morning was wonderful.
I got to spend it with Maggie. We had a good time... and then I came home.
I came home to an ugly pissed off michael.
And got into an argument.. as always when he's in a bad mood. He was mad because I brought home more food.
But I brought it home for us all.. Because I know he likes things like swiss chard.
but that didnt matter. what mattered was his bad mood, and he kicked the dog.. again.
it got ugly.
I am so tired of his meanness.. and I now have no one to talk to about it.
I have no where to move to, and no job.
I know that I am not supposed to Reitterate all the negativity. I know I am supposed to do ...something..differently...
But In my upset, I get lost. I wish I had a ME to talk to.
*sigh*
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Envision and Intention.
So, all this talk of Furlow and Gv't shut downs is really bringing me to my land. I am so much day dreaming about my acres, the house, the wood stove, the plants and barn space.
I am thinking on the classes, the selling of goods that I make, the fact that I will heat my home with wood, and will rely on less and less outside influenced pieces for day to day operations.
So I start with Bread.
I start by making Nisu. I start by remembering to sell my goods.
Cinnamon
Salts
Premade meals to the School
Teas
Candles
Bread
From the 'Farm' (which needs a name)
Eggs from chickens
canned goods
Classes
Bread
Herbs that I grow
Plants
Infused oils
There will be a house, Where Maggie and I live. It will be beautiful, Witchy and Merlin. It will have many windows, it will feel like Home <3 br="">
There will be communal teaching/gathering space
There will be space for people to stay at the 'Farm' in the summer months to help out and apprentice or work.
There will be wood stoves in the house, workspace and guest house/space.
There will be chicken coop and fields of herbs
There will be home kitchen and Teaching Space kitchen
There will be an open fire pit area
There will be open field space
There will be wild forest
There will be a meditation spot in the forest
There will be fruit trees
I am thinking on the classes, the selling of goods that I make, the fact that I will heat my home with wood, and will rely on less and less outside influenced pieces for day to day operations.
So I start with Bread.
I start by making Nisu. I start by remembering to sell my goods.
Cinnamon
Salts
Premade meals to the School
Teas
Candles
Bread
From the 'Farm' (which needs a name)
Eggs from chickens
canned goods
Classes
Bread
Herbs that I grow
Plants
Infused oils
There will be a house, Where Maggie and I live. It will be beautiful, Witchy and Merlin. It will have many windows, it will feel like Home <3 br="">
There will be communal teaching/gathering space
There will be space for people to stay at the 'Farm' in the summer months to help out and apprentice or work.
There will be wood stoves in the house, workspace and guest house/space.
There will be chicken coop and fields of herbs
There will be home kitchen and Teaching Space kitchen
There will be an open fire pit area
There will be open field space
There will be wild forest
There will be a meditation spot in the forest
There will be fruit trees
Sunday, September 29, 2013
looking back..
Looking back through my FB posts.. at days when I was seemingly blissfully happy. When I had no cares, and the wold looked right to me.
And then I question what would make that place be.. again. Money.
It seems that financial instability has been a major downer for me.
And then I think of bread. And of hoping I don't loose interest.
And gratitude for the past things I have done.
And this autumn day on the porch. And Maggie.
yes.
These things are good.
And then I question what would make that place be.. again. Money.
It seems that financial instability has been a major downer for me.
And then I think of bread. And of hoping I don't loose interest.
And gratitude for the past things I have done.
And this autumn day on the porch. And Maggie.
yes.
These things are good.
Friday, September 20, 2013
... and Wait.
there are things that we do not want to admit to ourselves.. there are things that are hard to deal with. Things that bring up doubt about who we are...
but then there is the Universe.
And there is trusted knowledge. And understanding. And knowing.
And then there is life.
And Today, my life changed. My slate has been wiped clean.
For the first time ever.. I was fired from a job.
and I am afraid to tell anyone. (and afraid of it's reflection on me..)
Especially Michael.
Also, last night I was told the place I was supposed to move to is no longer an option. When I told Michael he was angry.
..hence why I don't like telling him things.....
And so now- with completely blank slate, I am standing naked in the Universe....
and don't really know what to do.
Though I have a vague Idea why this is all occurring, I am going to just give myself tonight.
and Wait.
but then there is the Universe.
And there is trusted knowledge. And understanding. And knowing.
And then there is life.
And Today, my life changed. My slate has been wiped clean.
For the first time ever.. I was fired from a job.
and I am afraid to tell anyone. (and afraid of it's reflection on me..)
Especially Michael.
Also, last night I was told the place I was supposed to move to is no longer an option. When I told Michael he was angry.
..hence why I don't like telling him things.....
And so now- with completely blank slate, I am standing naked in the Universe....
and don't really know what to do.
Though I have a vague Idea why this is all occurring, I am going to just give myself tonight.
and Wait.
A protected kindle
I feel like I am holding tightly to protect what little spark I can vary today. Bent over, sheltering my little tinder pack from any threatening breeze.
I got a message late last night that the place Maggie and I were going to stay is not an option now. They changed their minds. Sigh. And it is clear I need to leave on time.
I am feeling a little down about the whole situation. Mostly because I don't know what to do. It's like a big waiting game- like I am standing in the middle of a desert dirt road, saying- well, okay, what's next?
I can't reAct, I just have to be calm and wait. I don't have enough information to do anything in any direction. I just know what my ultimate end result is. What I want. Land, home, teaching. Me and Maggie. Home.
Sigh. Some days just crying would be enough to release... But unfortunately today, at work, is not the time.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sunrise on a Wednesday
I woke up rested.. I thought.. I am yawning.. good lord!
I am watching the sunrise reflected onto the church steeple in the distance, and thinking of the basement I will soon reside in.
And then the next move I will make in Winter... it will be cold, but worth it.
I am also thinking about how I interact with people. I watch, and listen, and don't say what I am really thinking. I think that is where the 2-dawns seeming split comes in. I don't usually say what I am thinking. I see Universal nuances, things others don't know to look for, points directed- but I don't say anything in the 'real' world. I want to dig into people's souls - to pull out what they REALLY are, want, can be... but I don't. I want to throw out into the open what they REALLY want to say, what they TRULY mean when they speak.. but I don't.
Anyways..
It's getting more and more chilly here, and I am loving it.
I know I will move this winter from the Edelmann's house. I know I will find us the rite place, a great place. I know it will be cold when I move us. haha! and that is okay.
for now.. *yyyaaaaawn* I just need to get moving. I have a great lot of good work to do, and YAY for first steps. I am uber grateful to feel this (even if it's small) spark of excitement for my life.
I WOULD LIKE MORE, MUCH MORE spark of excitement and looking forward to my life please - Thanks in advance!
I am watching the sunrise reflected onto the church steeple in the distance, and thinking of the basement I will soon reside in.
And then the next move I will make in Winter... it will be cold, but worth it.
I am also thinking about how I interact with people. I watch, and listen, and don't say what I am really thinking. I think that is where the 2-dawns seeming split comes in. I don't usually say what I am thinking. I see Universal nuances, things others don't know to look for, points directed- but I don't say anything in the 'real' world. I want to dig into people's souls - to pull out what they REALLY are, want, can be... but I don't. I want to throw out into the open what they REALLY want to say, what they TRULY mean when they speak.. but I don't.
Anyways..
It's getting more and more chilly here, and I am loving it.
I know I will move this winter from the Edelmann's house. I know I will find us the rite place, a great place. I know it will be cold when I move us. haha! and that is okay.
for now.. *yyyaaaaawn* I just need to get moving. I have a great lot of good work to do, and YAY for first steps. I am uber grateful to feel this (even if it's small) spark of excitement for my life.
I WOULD LIKE MORE, MUCH MORE spark of excitement and looking forward to my life please - Thanks in advance!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Comparisons
So. I started a new job last week. with kids. at a daycare.
As with what some say- it's a job. and i decent one, I am grateful, I don't hate it.
But it's hard work, and I got sick from them. And that, too, is okay.
It's a job.
But now my wheels are turning. Yes, this is a job. And of course I am capable of spreading light within it, and any amount of godness is never wasted.
But.
Is this the best use of my talents? Of course not.
And I am thinking. More and more and more about the Farmstead. SoulFarm, Learning place.
A place of home, a place of love and light, and sustainability and teaching. A place of healing. A good place.
And I know this is where I belong. Teaching people to be fully them, to be self sufficient, to grow food, to cook food and to feed their soul.
It is coming clear- with a few details like a coffee/book shop, and the Herbal shop on the property, I could easily map out a beautiful place, a center and retreat, a funded place of goodness for young and old, teachers and students.
yes.
Notebook time.
As with what some say- it's a job. and i decent one, I am grateful, I don't hate it.
But it's hard work, and I got sick from them. And that, too, is okay.
It's a job.
But now my wheels are turning. Yes, this is a job. And of course I am capable of spreading light within it, and any amount of godness is never wasted.
But.
Is this the best use of my talents? Of course not.
And I am thinking. More and more and more about the Farmstead. SoulFarm, Learning place.
A place of home, a place of love and light, and sustainability and teaching. A place of healing. A good place.
And I know this is where I belong. Teaching people to be fully them, to be self sufficient, to grow food, to cook food and to feed their soul.
It is coming clear- with a few details like a coffee/book shop, and the Herbal shop on the property, I could easily map out a beautiful place, a center and retreat, a funded place of goodness for young and old, teachers and students.
yes.
Notebook time.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Breathable
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh........... First week of work down. Work I *LOVE*! I am working at a child care center in Maine, and what a rejuvenating experience! I play with kids all day. SO different than what I have done in the past. I give love and direction all day- in a COMPLETELY different way than I have in the past - not the way from the shop, not the sucking needing love and not the 'pick up off the floor' direction. The smiling, laughing, fun Love and the 'dont hit your friends' and 'cut the paper this way' direction... what a change!
My first official weekend off! And what a Beautiful weekend it is! Despite it being a weekend that I have to pack my belongings, it is a time given definition by the rest of the week! I don't have to do anything, I have NO stress! (haha.. funny to say, with what is happening in the living situation I've been in).
I feel a great sense of 'It's all okay!!' and I know that all things are going to be worked through and worked out!
The weather is simply amazing, it is cool and crisp out this morning, perfect temp inside! it is reminding me of the season's coming changes.
Autumn always renews my sense of hope. By the end of Winter and Summer...because they are so LOOOOOong I get into a funk. Blech! So glad THAT is over. I know we will have a small Indian Summer, and that is okay, because the plants will have begun to change in it. So, it will not be permanent!
Yes, I can officially say - Life is good!
My first official weekend off! And what a Beautiful weekend it is! Despite it being a weekend that I have to pack my belongings, it is a time given definition by the rest of the week! I don't have to do anything, I have NO stress! (haha.. funny to say, with what is happening in the living situation I've been in).
I feel a great sense of 'It's all okay!!' and I know that all things are going to be worked through and worked out!
The weather is simply amazing, it is cool and crisp out this morning, perfect temp inside! it is reminding me of the season's coming changes.
Autumn always renews my sense of hope. By the end of Winter and Summer...because they are so LOOOOOong I get into a funk. Blech! So glad THAT is over. I know we will have a small Indian Summer, and that is okay, because the plants will have begun to change in it. So, it will not be permanent!
Yes, I can officially say - Life is good!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
heh. Giddy Boisterousness...
okay, so, theres this-
I got this in my email today, one of the things i daily read.
"We would demonstrate to everyone that we are cheerful, that we are optimistic, that we are happy, that we are looking for the best-feeling thought that we can find — and that we've practiced it so much that we often find it. And then, as people say to you, in accusing tones, "Oh, you are a Pollyanna," announce to them, "Pollyanna lived a very happy life."
---Abraham"
I have been told there are 2 Dawns- Facebook Dawn and the 'real' Dawn. Actually this statement is FALSE and based largely on the past 3 years of what has been seen.
The FB Dawn IS the real Dawn.. the optimistic, loving, fun Dawn. The decorated House Dawn. The Magical Helpful, Laughing, Goofy Dawn. THATS the real Dawn.
Not the Dawn that is angry with ex-lovers, stressed with lack of things, beat down with peoples use of her.
That is someone I don't know.
But someone others got to know.
Boy are others going to be a little surprised at the annoying giddiness of the real Dawn upon experience of her.
heh.
(and to prove my point, as anyone who has known me prior to 2010.
;)
I got this in my email today, one of the things i daily read.
"We would demonstrate to everyone that we are cheerful, that we are optimistic, that we are happy, that we are looking for the best-feeling thought that we can find — and that we've practiced it so much that we often find it. And then, as people say to you, in accusing tones, "Oh, you are a Pollyanna," announce to them, "Pollyanna lived a very happy life."
---Abraham"
I have been told there are 2 Dawns- Facebook Dawn and the 'real' Dawn. Actually this statement is FALSE and based largely on the past 3 years of what has been seen.
The FB Dawn IS the real Dawn.. the optimistic, loving, fun Dawn. The decorated House Dawn. The Magical Helpful, Laughing, Goofy Dawn. THATS the real Dawn.
Not the Dawn that is angry with ex-lovers, stressed with lack of things, beat down with peoples use of her.
That is someone I don't know.
But someone others got to know.
Boy are others going to be a little surprised at the annoying giddiness of the real Dawn upon experience of her.
heh.
(and to prove my point, as anyone who has known me prior to 2010.
;)
Sunday, September 1, 2013
In the Amber afternoon Light..
I look forward to better days, to smiling again in true delight of life, to being happy and loving...
Some days, I think it's me, I think I'm crazy and I make it all up. That I am too picky and there's something wrong with me.
And then something like this comes in... and I realize, I actually *AM* a good person, worth something and do damn good things- I'm not some fucking lunatic who asks too much from a life partner, I'm not wrong.
I asked for a letter of recommendation for a job I am getting. This is what I got from Maggie's Teacher...
"August 30, 2013
To Whom It May Concern:
It is my pleasure to present this letter of recommendation for Dawn Evans. I have known
Dawn since August of 2011 when her daughter Maggie was placed in my 1/2 multiage
classroom at the Rollinsford Grade School in Rollinsford, NH. I was so fortunate to be
able to work with Dawn and her daughter for two years. During these past two years I
have had many opportunities to observe Dawn’s teaching and interactions with children,
staff, and other parents.
Dawn cares about all people! She volunteered weekly in my classroom and always took
the time to get to know all my students individually. She not all knew their names but
also their personalities, likes and dislikes, interests, and individual needs. Students felt
this and immediately reacted positively to her, knowing that she cared about them. She
took the time to listen to them and answer their questions. She respected them! She also
knew when and when not to use humor with students. She is reliable and flexible which
is always essential in my book. She has also helped out other students and families when
they were in need in our school. She is a complete natural!
Dawn is Mother Earth. She cares passionately for this planet and she has a wealth of
information on how to better care for our environment. Dawn started a worm bin in my
classroom with my students and would come in weekly and do mini lessons with them.
This included hands on observation, question/answer time, giving advice and direction
and sending information home to families. Dawn also offered mini worm bin kits to
send home with any family interested so families could start composting at home as well.
Students looked forward to our weekly Wednesday Worm Bin time and learned so much
Dawn is a strong advocate of education, our schools and our children. Dawn is a huge
supporter of education and spoke several times passionately at town meetings when it
came time to vote on the school budget. She wants what is best for children and the
world we live in. Dawn also combined several of her interests and volunteered after
school in our enrichment program. She ran a class on sustainability called Eat Dirt. The
class was immediately full and kids loved the engaging activities she created for them.
She is always willing to help in any way possible.
Dawn is a well respected and involved member of the Rollinsford community. She
successfully ran her own store, Sun Moon Stars Herbals, in town for many years.
Although she closed the physical doors on her store, she continues her business online
and through home parties. Dawn is also an active member and Vice President of the
community Rollinsford Garden and Local Sustainability Club (RGLSC). She is able to
use her knowledge to help the community again with healthy, sustainable options and is
working hard to grow this endeavor.
I truly enjoy working with Dawn and would highly recommend her for any position that
she strives for. She is creative and caring, an entrepreneur, a naturalist, a community
and school supporter with one huge heart. She will welcome any challenge with an
open mind. Dawn is an outstanding person with great integrity and will be a wonderful
addition to any school or business! If I can provide you with additional information
regarding this recommendation, please don’t hesitate to contact me at work or on my cell
***Teacher and Cell***
Multiage 1/2 Instructor"
...so fuck off.
Some days, I think it's me, I think I'm crazy and I make it all up. That I am too picky and there's something wrong with me.
And then something like this comes in... and I realize, I actually *AM* a good person, worth something and do damn good things- I'm not some fucking lunatic who asks too much from a life partner, I'm not wrong.
I asked for a letter of recommendation for a job I am getting. This is what I got from Maggie's Teacher...
"August 30, 2013
To Whom It May Concern:
It is my pleasure to present this letter of recommendation for Dawn Evans. I have known
Dawn since August of 2011 when her daughter Maggie was placed in my 1/2 multiage
classroom at the Rollinsford Grade School in Rollinsford, NH. I was so fortunate to be
able to work with Dawn and her daughter for two years. During these past two years I
have had many opportunities to observe Dawn’s teaching and interactions with children,
staff, and other parents.
Dawn cares about all people! She volunteered weekly in my classroom and always took
the time to get to know all my students individually. She not all knew their names but
also their personalities, likes and dislikes, interests, and individual needs. Students felt
this and immediately reacted positively to her, knowing that she cared about them. She
took the time to listen to them and answer their questions. She respected them! She also
knew when and when not to use humor with students. She is reliable and flexible which
is always essential in my book. She has also helped out other students and families when
they were in need in our school. She is a complete natural!
Dawn is Mother Earth. She cares passionately for this planet and she has a wealth of
information on how to better care for our environment. Dawn started a worm bin in my
classroom with my students and would come in weekly and do mini lessons with them.
This included hands on observation, question/answer time, giving advice and direction
and sending information home to families. Dawn also offered mini worm bin kits to
send home with any family interested so families could start composting at home as well.
Students looked forward to our weekly Wednesday Worm Bin time and learned so much
Dawn is a strong advocate of education, our schools and our children. Dawn is a huge
supporter of education and spoke several times passionately at town meetings when it
came time to vote on the school budget. She wants what is best for children and the
world we live in. Dawn also combined several of her interests and volunteered after
school in our enrichment program. She ran a class on sustainability called Eat Dirt. The
class was immediately full and kids loved the engaging activities she created for them.
She is always willing to help in any way possible.
Dawn is a well respected and involved member of the Rollinsford community. She
successfully ran her own store, Sun Moon Stars Herbals, in town for many years.
Although she closed the physical doors on her store, she continues her business online
and through home parties. Dawn is also an active member and Vice President of the
community Rollinsford Garden and Local Sustainability Club (RGLSC). She is able to
use her knowledge to help the community again with healthy, sustainable options and is
working hard to grow this endeavor.
I truly enjoy working with Dawn and would highly recommend her for any position that
she strives for. She is creative and caring, an entrepreneur, a naturalist, a community
and school supporter with one huge heart. She will welcome any challenge with an
open mind. Dawn is an outstanding person with great integrity and will be a wonderful
addition to any school or business! If I can provide you with additional information
regarding this recommendation, please don’t hesitate to contact me at work or on my cell
***Teacher and Cell***
Multiage 1/2 Instructor"
...so fuck off.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
12:20 am
My brain is full. I can't sleep, no matter how much I yawn.
dump? sure. Twerking. Yes, i know we have bigger problems than miley cyrus, but jeezus, really? Ew and shameful. and is this a distraction put on by her beaing paid to attract the public's attention away from our gv't's actions? 'cause when I saw it- i really thought it was a publicity stunt. moving, doesnt feel real. job- which one and i make them up as i go. Always have, always will- when i was younger, i would think about what i wanted and i would have it, i would never settle for less. then came the time of pat and i started to not believe. and then the shop and more and now- now i am looking forward to the relit spark i miss. Orientation, i have another shot at being who i useto say- oh, maybe next life time. however, what do i want? i do not know. farm. it would be wonderful to work on one, to live on one and just be there. with maggs. school- she is NOT wanting to go. shes been sick today, and sheesh! mike. i realized i have never had whiskey before saturday night and i never will again. it makes me rage. no excuse and i am glad for the release, but wow! car- stupid damn not being done. oh well. clothes, want to dress nice again. cooler weather i am for sure looking forward to. inspiration, i love that too- who am i? what do i want? how shall i support my own self? so many ways it could all go, and so many avenues i can take. would i like a hole in the wall space to see people? do i want to try to help more? i do not want to be like the false prophets i know. i can be/do/have anything. what is it i want? ease, simplicity and goodness.. thats all. my life isnt that exciting anymore, ive done quite a bit of 'stuff', been many people, traveled the continental US.. proved that i am capable of anything and everything. now, i just want simple. i dont necessarily need to stand out. friends? some good some not so good. some who try to live through me like a movie and thats not healthy. yep. not okay either. some who can never tell the truth, but are always on your side. some who give shirts off their backs and in turn you feel like a looooser. hah. 36. shouldn't be in the position i am in, but will be changing it readily and never going back. girls. maybe. relationships? not for a long time. friends, dinners, groups, womens circles, intenders, healthy, energy, goodness. Autumn is coming. Moving, where should I go? anywhere I want? could be. could be. could be. rolli? 90% not wanting to be the place anymore. ive done my job here. farm in the mountains for the winter- maybe so, wouldn't that be nice. homeschool. that may happen. me n her. her n me. not much else matters. yea.. inspiration. would like some soul food. some new people, a new place and some quiet rejuvenation of good warm soul food. like a good loaf of sourdough and a smart bowl of soup ... and laughter. lots and lots of laughter. yes.
these things.
dump? sure. Twerking. Yes, i know we have bigger problems than miley cyrus, but jeezus, really? Ew and shameful. and is this a distraction put on by her beaing paid to attract the public's attention away from our gv't's actions? 'cause when I saw it- i really thought it was a publicity stunt. moving, doesnt feel real. job- which one and i make them up as i go. Always have, always will- when i was younger, i would think about what i wanted and i would have it, i would never settle for less. then came the time of pat and i started to not believe. and then the shop and more and now- now i am looking forward to the relit spark i miss. Orientation, i have another shot at being who i useto say- oh, maybe next life time. however, what do i want? i do not know. farm. it would be wonderful to work on one, to live on one and just be there. with maggs. school- she is NOT wanting to go. shes been sick today, and sheesh! mike. i realized i have never had whiskey before saturday night and i never will again. it makes me rage. no excuse and i am glad for the release, but wow! car- stupid damn not being done. oh well. clothes, want to dress nice again. cooler weather i am for sure looking forward to. inspiration, i love that too- who am i? what do i want? how shall i support my own self? so many ways it could all go, and so many avenues i can take. would i like a hole in the wall space to see people? do i want to try to help more? i do not want to be like the false prophets i know. i can be/do/have anything. what is it i want? ease, simplicity and goodness.. thats all. my life isnt that exciting anymore, ive done quite a bit of 'stuff', been many people, traveled the continental US.. proved that i am capable of anything and everything. now, i just want simple. i dont necessarily need to stand out. friends? some good some not so good. some who try to live through me like a movie and thats not healthy. yep. not okay either. some who can never tell the truth, but are always on your side. some who give shirts off their backs and in turn you feel like a looooser. hah. 36. shouldn't be in the position i am in, but will be changing it readily and never going back. girls. maybe. relationships? not for a long time. friends, dinners, groups, womens circles, intenders, healthy, energy, goodness. Autumn is coming. Moving, where should I go? anywhere I want? could be. could be. could be. rolli? 90% not wanting to be the place anymore. ive done my job here. farm in the mountains for the winter- maybe so, wouldn't that be nice. homeschool. that may happen. me n her. her n me. not much else matters. yea.. inspiration. would like some soul food. some new people, a new place and some quiet rejuvenation of good warm soul food. like a good loaf of sourdough and a smart bowl of soup ... and laughter. lots and lots of laughter. yes.
these things.
.
well.
I was informed last night, Maggie and I have 2 weeks to find a new place to live.
...and that is okay. It's going to be the push I need to get me out of the stagnant place I have been in. Though I do not know what is going to happen next.
and that is okay too.
Boxes, packing, and the like will be happening this week.
Job. Must-Acquire-Job.
Maggie starts school tomorrow, that will make things easier.
I will be glad to be away from this energetic static mass I have been living in for so long, and I have a distinct feeling all the yuck will clear when I am out of here. It always seems to.
(some days I think the signature left on this place by previous people have some to do with the negativity as well. Someone was VERY depressed here)
anyways, Resumes, Job Hunting and going to get boxes. (after peaches today)
I was informed last night, Maggie and I have 2 weeks to find a new place to live.
...and that is okay. It's going to be the push I need to get me out of the stagnant place I have been in. Though I do not know what is going to happen next.
and that is okay too.
Boxes, packing, and the like will be happening this week.
Job. Must-Acquire-Job.
Maggie starts school tomorrow, that will make things easier.
I will be glad to be away from this energetic static mass I have been living in for so long, and I have a distinct feeling all the yuck will clear when I am out of here. It always seems to.
(some days I think the signature left on this place by previous people have some to do with the negativity as well. Someone was VERY depressed here)
anyways, Resumes, Job Hunting and going to get boxes. (after peaches today)
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Mixed and Power
Such Mixed feelings about being in the WildDen today. Don't really want to be here... it's almost like a bad dream when you just want to run away. Every thing is so different and Powerful now....There is a swelling in my chest- something big and good for me is about to happen, but I don't know what it is of course.
Have to put together some herbal stuff, would much rather move this whole operation to a clean, publicly accessible location and just keep the doors open to be able to see people on a daily basis.
Hm.. Universe? Is this what you are saying to me?
wow.
Have to put together some herbal stuff, would much rather move this whole operation to a clean, publicly accessible location and just keep the doors open to be able to see people on a daily basis.
Hm.. Universe? Is this what you are saying to me?
wow.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
The Pisces Female... or Me.
The PISCES Woman
'Well, what are you?" said the Pigeon. "I can see you'retrying to invent something!" "I-I'm a little girl," said Alice, rather doubtfully.
She found herself at last in a beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains.
The line forms to the right. And please don't crowd. There may not be enough Pisces women for every man, but that's no reason to be unruly. You'll have to take your turn, and hope for the best.
Even without astrology, rumors have spread about the charms of a Pisces female. She has her negative points, to be sure, but at first glance she's every man's grade school valentine, with maybe just a touch of a Playboy bunny to add some pepper. We might as well admit that the modern, emancipated woman, with her cast-iron image, has made the Pisces girl's value shoot even higher. With all that freedom from the feminine mystique clouding the air over lover's lane, the demure, pretty, helpless Neptune creature has to beat off the men with big sticks.
It's hardly surprising that she's at a premium. The Neptune female seldom tries to overshadow her man, married or single. She hasn't the slightest hidden, neurotic desire to dominate him in any way. He can pull out her chair, put on her coat, whistle for the taxi, light her cigarette and talk about how wonderful he is to his heart's content. All she wants is that he should protect her and care for her. She's happily content to lean on his big broad shoulder and let him know, with wide-eyed wonder, how strong he is, and how much she needs him in this scary world. Just think of all those wolves out there, waiting to devour Red Riding Hoods. It's enough to make a girl get out her smelling salts. Even if she isn't quite as Victorian as all that (though plenty of girl fish are), she'll be a charming listener to all his troubles, and what is referred to as a good egg through every crisis.
A Pisces woman thinks her mate, lover, boy friend, brother, father-in fact, any man-can lick the whole world with one hand tied behind his back, and it takes a surprisingly small amount of her touching faith to convince them of the same thing, men being the way they are. And you wonder why she's so popular? The Pisces girl is a cozy, calm haven of tranquility for her proud male, far from the noise of the frame and the ticker tape machines. The lights in her fish pond are soft and dim. They soothe tired eyes which have been blasted by neon and all those silly little figures at the stock market she couldn't understand to save her life. (Though if it would really save her life, she would sharpen her pencil.)
In the winter she wears fluffy angora mittens. In the Spring she wears dainty, full skirts. Summers will find her in a brief bikini. In the fall she'll look adorable sitting beside you at football games, with her hands in your pockets to keep them warm, and asking you the score. She is eternally feminine in all seasons. At the risk of making an understatement, men are drawn to her like bumblebees to a honey pot.
A short conversation with her, and a man instantly relaxes. He pictures a glowing, crackling fire on a chilly night, or he sees himself in a hammock on a balmy spring day, with no one to nag him. She makes it clear that she'll never blame him for any problems in his career or any accidental mistakes. It's always someone else's fault. Not her man's. Shell never press him to get ahead faster. His own pace is perfect with her. Need I explain why the female fish makes the most dangerous other woman of all the Sun signs? Flash! Maritime warning: After marriage she may nudge a little. To be truthful, she may nudge a lot. In a way, it serves you right for letting yourself be so blinded by her charms. Lots of times she'll even be bitterly sarcastic, but every woman has to have some flaws, and the Pisces girl will be gentle far more often than she's quarrelsome. She has to be goaded by extreme cruelty or laziness in a mate to be a shrew-and who's to say a cruel or lazy husband doesn't deserve it? Not me. I'm with her.
Besides, her delectable femininity covers any minor deficiencies, and most of the time the typical Neptune girl is soft, dreamy and womanly. Since the fish swims in both directions at once, she adapts beautifully and quietly to conflicting situations that would turn other women into nervous Nellies. Of course, now and then, some cranky words and irritable chatter may bubble up from her normally placid stream of thought. Occasionally a sensitive Neptune female who has suffered harsh treatment at an early age will allow bitterness to break the two symbolic fish of her sign apart-and this can be very sad. She becomes a lonely, miserable Piscean, always swimming furiously, and meeting herself everywhere she dives down to escape-never realizing that the turning inward of her endless love and sympathy toward herself is the real poison. Drugs and drink and false illusions hide the truth from her and blind her to the rocks in the river that might destroy her. But the average Neputune girl keeps both symbolic fish joined firmly together in smooth action, gliding softly first back, then a little forward, so you're never quite sure exactly which way she's headed. Pisces is said to be a deep, mysterious sea, into which all rivers flow. You'll have a better chance of catching her if you know some of her elusive secrets. What makes her swim?
First of all, she's subtle. Ask Nicky Hilton, Michael Wilding, Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton-each of whom married a Pisces. As a matter of fact, the same Pisces. She is not only subtle, she's sometimes a bit deceptive when she practices her art of wrapping you around her emerald earrings.
Now, you may know a Neptune lady who wears a gingham apron and a shy smile, and who is the epitome of the devoted wife, homemaker and tender mother. You're thinking that she's neither subtle nor deceptive. Forgive my directness, but you are wrong. As for that Pisces lady you think is different, I know her, too, or one just like her.
She's a widow who lives in the Bronx, and her name is Pauline. She also wears a gingham apron and a shy smile -the whole setup. How can such a Fannie Farmer image be subtle or deceptive? I'll tell you. First of all, she wraps everyone around her apron strings. (She doesn't have any emerald earrings. Next year, maybe.) She's a short woman who has managed to stand up to the loss of a dear child, heartbreak, boredom, tragedy, fear, poverty, and even the confusion of sudden, very brief riches. She's coped with little boys' bruised knees, braces, lost galoshes; a husband's sloppy Sunday cook-ins in her neat kitchen-and the biggest mixture of in-laws-all speaking eight languages at once-you ever saw outside the United Nations. She has faced all this mishmash of fate like Rocky Graziano. That's gentle? That's delicate? To this very moment, her two sons think of her as a charming, girlish, helpless, fluttery and soft little creature, who needs to be protected, and who can't quite understand how the lock works on the front door.
She's delightfully vague and dreamy. She doesn't know a thing about economics, but she manages to dress as though she was turned out by Sophie of Saks, cook frequent seven-course dinners for assorted grandchildren, pay the rent on time, and send exquisite gifts on holidays and birthdays- all on a monthly income about the size of one of Jack Benny's tips. She has the open love and affection of two daughters-in-law, and an incongruous group made up of the librarian, the super, the owner of the comer delly, the fruit man, half a dozen stray cats and children, the butcher, the newsboy, and would you believe it, even the landlord. She may have one enemy. The man she turned down before she married her husband. He probably joined the Foreign Legion in disappointment, and now I doubt if she even remembers his name. Heartless females, these Pisces women. Subtle and deceptive. (But don't try to tell their neighbors that.)
Like the March winds, your Pisces girl will have many a mood. She's terribly sentimental, and when her feelings are wounded she can cry buckets. She'll look at you so reproachfully you'll feel as if you'd just shot a small rabbit. Pisces females sometimes get the idea they're hopelessly unequipped for the fierce battles and driving ambition required to survive. Then deep depression sets in. At these times you'll have to tell her she's admired for her deep, mysterious wisdom and her blessed understanding by every single human she has ever graced with her friendship. It's usually the gospel truth. The hardest lesson she has to learn is to overcome her timidity and her doubts. If the fears go deep, she'll shut herself off from others, then wonder why she's lonely. She's often afraid of imposing, pushing too hard, taking advantage, when such thoughts are in no one's head but hers.
Now and then a Pisces girl will cover her shyness and vulnerability with wisecracks, a sophisticated veneer and a frigid independent personality, but it's merely a cloak of protection, worn to hide her uncertainty from the prying eyes of rough people who would bruise her genfle heart if she exposed it. I know one who pours out her real soul by writing lovely song lyrics with a secret message woven in the shades of her soft, very private dreams. When she's not writing, she's the picture of the brittle, callous, career woman she wants people to see. Yet, even this type of Pisces is unable to fight her Sun sign. With all her make-believe independence she waits on the curb and lets the man whistle for the cab. There are some things one just doesn't do, as far as Neptune women are concerned; not acting like a lady in public is one of them. She fools a lot of men who could quiet her inner fears and make her take back her frequent claim of, "Who needs a husband? They only mess up your life." Imagine a statement like that from a Piscean, who needs to belong to someone more than she needs to sleep, eat or breathe.
A Pisces girl will give all of her heart to her children, except for the large chunk she saves for you. She'll love them all, but the ones who are uglier, weaker, smaller or sicker may have a slight edge with her. Only a Pisces movie star would pass up the little dimpled darlings and adopt a tiny, crippled tot with frightened eyes. Female fish are the greatest women in the world for understanding the shyness of small boys and the growing pains of awkward adolescent girls. A Piscean mother spins a thousand wispy, cobweb dreams over each bassinet. She'll sacrifice anything so her children can have what she was denied as a child. She may be too permissive. Administering discipline is difficult for her, and she must realize that a lack of firmness is often as bad as severe neglect. In a way, it is neglect, of building the small characters in her care, who need firm guidance to leam to swim alone. If she's guilty of too much softness, explain it to her kindly. She'll comprehend without bitterness, and begin to give the hairbrush a workout. Still many Neptune mothers manage a happy medium between discipline and kindness, and their offspring do them credit.
A Pisces woman will gladly let you cam the bacon and cggplant. She'll probably prefer not to enter the brutal competition of the commercial world, unless you desperately need her to. She had enough of that (if she's a typical Neptune girl) when she worked for that big, confusing company while she was waiting for you to rescue her. Some, not all, but some Pisces women are a wee little bit extravagant. She may need some help figuring out why the bank's balance doesn't reconcile with her stubs, written in Sanskrit. Still, when an emergency forces her to adapt her champagne taste to a skim milk pocketbook, she'll manage.
She listens to the ocean, and it tells her things. In the> midst of the city, she still hears the waves of Neptune whispering to her Pisces heart more, perhaps, than she wants to know. Don't forget her birthday or your anniversary or the day you proposed. She won't. I'll always remember the Pisces friend I went to school with in West Virginia. She was tiny, with long, dark hair and those strange Neptune lights in her greenish brown eyes. She married (among several other men) a big football star; it was a totally unexpected elopement. I remember when she asked him why he proposed. She was curious. "Well," he told her, "it was the funniest thing, Shorty. I didn't have the slightest idea of proposing that day. We were in the park, near the pool. The chicks who were lying around getting a tan had wet, stringy hair from swimming, and they looked all hot and sweaty on the benches. You were sitting there under that tree in a white lace dress, and you looked so cool and different from the others. You looked like-well, I guess you sorta looked like a girl." That's the subtle secret of the Pisces woman. Whether she follows Neptune's call as a dedicated nun in a convent or as a sultry songstress in a noisy nightclub-she's a girl. All girl. One hundred percent.
Taken from http://www.cyberspacei.com/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/contents.htm
This is so Me.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
The Light of the Stars
There's always so much to say, throughout my days.. thoughts I have that I want to write down. Profound things I forget as I go through the unconscious motions of my time.. Things to be grateful for, things that I understand, things that occur.. but I loose them.
oh well.
things have been easier the past 2 days. No crying, and no static. I think K talked some sense into M one night upon a visit, because attitudes changed and all of a sudden he knew things, and that was helpful.
Nightmares. *sigh* My dreams have turned to traveling nightmares. Things I am afraid of in my sleep about traveling. Things that could go wrong.I wish for once I could dream nice things.
I want to be at peace in my sleep. I want to wake rejuvenated and happy. Like that one summer day when I was a teen. Everything was fresh and green and happy and beautiful.
The rest of life.. it is life. I am supposedly single, though it makes no difference. I live in a communal setting where we work things for the kids above all else. Began standing up for myself a couple weeks ago. Realized I have drown myself in negative people and circumstances too long, and it has really changed who I am. My sense of self is out of alignment and I have not been happy for a long time. Good to know, takes time to change. I am looking forward to positive experiences and people. I would like to meet new people who share my interests and are fun. I am looking forward to starting a new career- whatever that is. I want to be clear, happy and good again.
oh well.
things have been easier the past 2 days. No crying, and no static. I think K talked some sense into M one night upon a visit, because attitudes changed and all of a sudden he knew things, and that was helpful.
Nightmares. *sigh* My dreams have turned to traveling nightmares. Things I am afraid of in my sleep about traveling. Things that could go wrong.I wish for once I could dream nice things.
I want to be at peace in my sleep. I want to wake rejuvenated and happy. Like that one summer day when I was a teen. Everything was fresh and green and happy and beautiful.
The rest of life.. it is life. I am supposedly single, though it makes no difference. I live in a communal setting where we work things for the kids above all else. Began standing up for myself a couple weeks ago. Realized I have drown myself in negative people and circumstances too long, and it has really changed who I am. My sense of self is out of alignment and I have not been happy for a long time. Good to know, takes time to change. I am looking forward to positive experiences and people. I would like to meet new people who share my interests and are fun. I am looking forward to starting a new career- whatever that is. I want to be clear, happy and good again.
THAT is my goal.
Monday, August 19, 2013
on the outside.
Back into this Life... the one I was so glad to drive away from.
Mostly it's just this energy. This house. This stuck place of pent up aggression unadmitted.
I need to get my feet under me, this is the aim of today. To regain control of the soul I let deminish for so many years, and then get trampled here.
...people dont even realize what they do...
and it's okay, no one can do anything you don't ALLOW them to.
I allowed. so many people, so many ways, for so very long.
Now, it's time for me.
How will that be? I do not know, How will I work this magic? I do not know. But It starts within, with a feeling, with a spark.
Jazz. It can start with Jazz today.
It's all pretty on the outside...
Mostly it's just this energy. This house. This stuck place of pent up aggression unadmitted.
I need to get my feet under me, this is the aim of today. To regain control of the soul I let deminish for so many years, and then get trampled here.
...people dont even realize what they do...
and it's okay, no one can do anything you don't ALLOW them to.
I allowed. so many people, so many ways, for so very long.
Now, it's time for me.
How will that be? I do not know, How will I work this magic? I do not know. But It starts within, with a feeling, with a spark.
Jazz. It can start with Jazz today.
It's all pretty on the outside...
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Traveling into ...
I enjoyed my travels. Third night in a hotel on the way back.
Sigh.
Life needs to change now. And it's only up to me. No one else seems concerned. And that's okay. I put too much stock in others, Mainly male of the species.
Again sigh. 
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
John Denver....
Conifer Colorado.
Every time I think about where I am, John Denver sings to me.
"Colorado... Rockey Mountain High."
My heart is here.
I travel many places lately, doing different things. Recently I went to Flagstaff and the Verde Valley. I was happy to be home. I felt like all the weight was lifted from my shoulders for a while. But what was missing was drive. I didn't see a path for myself really. Just being home was enough.
Colorado is beautiful, it nips at a hippie end of me long forgotten. Of Nadine Bus and Boho Living. It reminds me of medicine roots and ease of non-rat race. I remember getting letters from DJ when she was here, wanting to travel here and be my Gipsy Self.
I read this from an astrologer today -"Scorpio Moon puts emphasis on personal privacy & priorities.
Work diligently & organize things well. Take people's messages
seriously. Make sure you know what you're getting into. Anything you do
today will be hard to reverse. Keep promises. Be loyal. Otherwise
saturn will crack the whip & give a serious reality check. Indigo
blue today!"
It tells me NOT to make any moves, any decisions - which I am notorious for getting caught up in things and doing. ...So I will not.
Though, I will say... despite all of the recent events in my life, If I could, I would probably make a decision to stay here a while.
Borrowed vehicle, Cats and Dog and a house full of books prevent me from doing so. *sigh*
My cousin home-schools her children. The land here is livable, solar power is easy, trees, clear water, open skies...
*sigh*
Sunday, August 11, 2013
New Mexico
Open Skies. Family. Uncertainty. Travel.
My uncle Died. We all knew it was coming- not because he was sick, not because he was a quadriplegic, nit because he had an infected cut on his finger.
Because the Universe told us. And we all tried to listen in our own ways.
But in the end... the very next day... it happened.
And we all cried, got mad, and got moving.
And got here.
To New Mexico.
Cousins Met for the First time, and It was amazingly perfect. Grudges were released, Love came back into play.
Work got done, Things got situated, Life got picked up and continued on with...
Thanks Fadgie For Bringing us all together, You really are the Best, Sarg.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Fadgie...
I knew last night. I was told.
But again. I didn't act ..enough.
Before, I didn't know who it was, what was going to happen- This time I did. This time it was so obvious I was relieved when it wasn't true... at that moment. It waited 12 hours...
I can no longer ignore what I know.
thanks Universe.. *sigh* thanks..
But again. I didn't act ..enough.
Before, I didn't know who it was, what was going to happen- This time I did. This time it was so obvious I was relieved when it wasn't true... at that moment. It waited 12 hours...
I can no longer ignore what I know.
thanks Universe.. *sigh* thanks..
Saturday, July 27, 2013
:/
Dave Matthews Band is keeping me company this afternoon...
I am a little low after not getting to go on a fun trip with family.
All because of time and details...
trying to just keep moving forward with major distractions.
*sigh*
I am a little low after not getting to go on a fun trip with family.
All because of time and details...
trying to just keep moving forward with major distractions.
*sigh*
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Hericots Vert.
Things are looking better with the cooler weather. Hot weather here in New England is oppressive, and makes everything miserable. Of course.. I love Autumn, I feel as though my soul truly sings then.
I am feeling better and better every day. Sure there are things that COULD make me unhappy- but I am diverting my attention to the things that TRULY make me happy, I am taking the little steps, continuing to knock on doors (thx Mike Dooley) and just keep going. This is my life.
Well.. omelet and pan roasted beans call...
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Autumn Heart
I am doing my morning Reading... so many inspiring pieces in this morning to think on...
I come across this-
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May…”
and it makes me think about love and How I perceive it,
My little ditty goes more like-
"My heart for you is like the most beautiful Autumn..
Colors so vibrant and lovely it brings tears,
Traditions as round and orange as the ripe fruits.
Your warm embrace making the beauty of the chilled winds shine.
Settling in for coming winter we deliciously soak up the Long Golden Rays..."
My way of being is so different from others, so deep and lush. Not typical of the people around me. I feel things in texture, color, warmth..
I am very much looking forward to my future. I am working every day to manifest my heart's good.
Regardless of the bad days.
I can always see me sitting on the steps of that home, in that cool Autumn evening, Looking out into the fog.
I am doing what I can, and Making things as I want them, and Pushing the envelope. I know what Is for Me By How it FEELS.
It's quite something to see. Work isn't Work in this.. it is beautiful Good Flow and Receiving.
Onward!
I come across this-
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May…”
and it makes me think about love and How I perceive it,
My little ditty goes more like-
"My heart for you is like the most beautiful Autumn..
Colors so vibrant and lovely it brings tears,
Traditions as round and orange as the ripe fruits.
Your warm embrace making the beauty of the chilled winds shine.
Settling in for coming winter we deliciously soak up the Long Golden Rays..."
My way of being is so different from others, so deep and lush. Not typical of the people around me. I feel things in texture, color, warmth..
I am very much looking forward to my future. I am working every day to manifest my heart's good.
Regardless of the bad days.
I can always see me sitting on the steps of that home, in that cool Autumn evening, Looking out into the fog.
I am doing what I can, and Making things as I want them, and Pushing the envelope. I know what Is for Me By How it FEELS.
It's quite something to see. Work isn't Work in this.. it is beautiful Good Flow and Receiving.
Onward!
Friday, July 19, 2013
and then theres always that....
Lump in my chest. Like my heart is contracting and suffocating me. Like A pull that I cannot find. Like watching the bottom fall out from under my feet.
And I want to crawl away until I feel better.
I miss the highs. I miss the ease and comfort.
I miss the blissful unawareness.
Its a gaping hole rite through the middle of me. And I cannot fill it, It gets harder and harder every day to find some sort of inspiration. Something to spark the imagination and creativity. No amount of gratefuls or inspiring quotes closes the gap, fills the space, ignites the warmth.
And a face I must wear.
This outer thing that shows the light I miss, that gives away thing I do not have. Things lost in giving too much.
I need a break, I need a refuel, I need to refill.
And I do not know how.
I want to be away... and quiet... to lay face down in the soft earth, smelling the soil until I regain some sort of composure.
I want to lay under the open sky and let the passing cloud remove the ache and emptiness like a dementor's kiss pulling it all away...
I know I need this contrast to allow me to do my work here on this plane. But, this time in down is so much deeper than the rest.
Please pass by quickly... lest I loose my way.
And I want to crawl away until I feel better.
I miss the highs. I miss the ease and comfort.
I miss the blissful unawareness.
Its a gaping hole rite through the middle of me. And I cannot fill it, It gets harder and harder every day to find some sort of inspiration. Something to spark the imagination and creativity. No amount of gratefuls or inspiring quotes closes the gap, fills the space, ignites the warmth.
And a face I must wear.
This outer thing that shows the light I miss, that gives away thing I do not have. Things lost in giving too much.
I need a break, I need a refuel, I need to refill.
And I do not know how.
I want to be away... and quiet... to lay face down in the soft earth, smelling the soil until I regain some sort of composure.
I want to lay under the open sky and let the passing cloud remove the ache and emptiness like a dementor's kiss pulling it all away...
I know I need this contrast to allow me to do my work here on this plane. But, this time in down is so much deeper than the rest.
Please pass by quickly... lest I loose my way.
“There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting.” - Anne of Green Gables
Thursday, July 11, 2013
There are Blue Jays outside calling... missed them and the Ravens
I always wonders who besides K reads these... and I cringe.
I whine, throw fits, scream, day dream and totally must sound like a lunatic. but... it happens I suppose.
I have been getting more sleep lately - which I LOVE (well the past few nights anyways).
I 'broke it off' with Mike.. I just couldn't do it anymore. Never being connected to the person you sleep next to, share a life with.. it just felt so... brambly all the time. And it's not fair, not fair to either of us to not have fullness in this life- laughter, joy, love, connection... it just has never really been there. It was fun at first, with the fantastic daydreams of Valkyrie and Viking, Ren Faires and Woodstoves. But anyone can have that. When it came to Soul Lodge and Quiet time.. we have always been in opposite, far off places... and that gets distantly irritating after a while.
So, the Universe threw some monkey wrenches and said- MAKE A DAMN MOVE! So I did. Lest I become my own mother... and I was. And that is instant death.
So I changed.
Then there is the whole Pat thing.. but that stays what it is, and that is okay.
Because There's Me. Me, who is sleeping more, not getting woken up 5 times a night. Me, who has the threads of her soul reeled in, breathing well and working on her goals. Me.
Coffee, Vivaldi, Candle, Child.
Yes.. Me.
I have been busting my arse every day to get my business going, I write emails, think new strategies into existence, take and fill orders, make product, look for outlets. I am totally grateful for the opportunity I have at the moment. I Love being given back to, in monetary exchange. I am working for that, in good ways.
Yesterday I had a meeting with Marci from the Herbal Path... and they are buying my products Whole Sale to sell!! Ohhhh Myyy Gosssh! This, This is HUGE for me! I have waited for this for YEARS and YEARS!! I never thought my stuff would be good enough,but now it is! Amazing, wonderful, happy me! what a Huge step! Grateful!
so... that is my goodness. Sleep, accomplishments, seeing life go better. *sigh* yay. Thanks Universe.
I whine, throw fits, scream, day dream and totally must sound like a lunatic. but... it happens I suppose.
I have been getting more sleep lately - which I LOVE (well the past few nights anyways).
I 'broke it off' with Mike.. I just couldn't do it anymore. Never being connected to the person you sleep next to, share a life with.. it just felt so... brambly all the time. And it's not fair, not fair to either of us to not have fullness in this life- laughter, joy, love, connection... it just has never really been there. It was fun at first, with the fantastic daydreams of Valkyrie and Viking, Ren Faires and Woodstoves. But anyone can have that. When it came to Soul Lodge and Quiet time.. we have always been in opposite, far off places... and that gets distantly irritating after a while.
So, the Universe threw some monkey wrenches and said- MAKE A DAMN MOVE! So I did. Lest I become my own mother... and I was. And that is instant death.
So I changed.
Then there is the whole Pat thing.. but that stays what it is, and that is okay.
Because There's Me. Me, who is sleeping more, not getting woken up 5 times a night. Me, who has the threads of her soul reeled in, breathing well and working on her goals. Me.
Coffee, Vivaldi, Candle, Child.
Yes.. Me.
I have been busting my arse every day to get my business going, I write emails, think new strategies into existence, take and fill orders, make product, look for outlets. I am totally grateful for the opportunity I have at the moment. I Love being given back to, in monetary exchange. I am working for that, in good ways.
so... that is my goodness. Sleep, accomplishments, seeing life go better. *sigh* yay. Thanks Universe.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Out of the corner of a Camera Eye...
....We catch things.
There are some things that wrench the heart more than others.
Those you ran from, cursed, wanted to cease to exist for the fear and pain.
And then.. everything changes... and all you can do is stare.
...and try to breathe....
Elephants and Orange Juice and Heros.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
A Sunday
Not like other Sundays.
Today I do my first house party. I use to get excited about these things, thinking they were massive milestones.
Now, they are just things. I really should give them more of my joy, but I cannot at the moment, I am hoping that at least doing them is enough to keep them going rite now.
My gut. I have this pull, this digging feeling of deep earth.. Its hard to breathe.
How did it come to this? I feel unreal... like a daydream.
I am always on the edge of speaking.
I cannot. I must not.
Work my own ways. Do my own path, hold up Maggie and I - Pave my way.
Know the Known and deal as best as I can with the rest. Distract myself. Find things to keep my attention until the next breath of air I am gifted.
I never could have imagined such a thing... 10 years and this is what it comes to. My hope is that this experience is only for learning to appreciate. Learning that once the actual Peace is in hand and heart, It will be always cherished. Always appreciated... remember. Never forget this pain, this lack of air, this continual drowning.
At least today I am not crying.
But my heart is like a lump of mud. Dull and Difficult.
Distraction...
I have huge dreams and I am praying.
Today I do my first house party. I use to get excited about these things, thinking they were massive milestones.
Now, they are just things. I really should give them more of my joy, but I cannot at the moment, I am hoping that at least doing them is enough to keep them going rite now.
My gut. I have this pull, this digging feeling of deep earth.. Its hard to breathe.
How did it come to this? I feel unreal... like a daydream.
I am always on the edge of speaking.
I cannot. I must not.
Work my own ways. Do my own path, hold up Maggie and I - Pave my way.
Know the Known and deal as best as I can with the rest. Distract myself. Find things to keep my attention until the next breath of air I am gifted.
I never could have imagined such a thing... 10 years and this is what it comes to. My hope is that this experience is only for learning to appreciate. Learning that once the actual Peace is in hand and heart, It will be always cherished. Always appreciated... remember. Never forget this pain, this lack of air, this continual drowning.
At least today I am not crying.
But my heart is like a lump of mud. Dull and Difficult.
Distraction...
I have huge dreams and I am praying.
Friday, June 28, 2013
..
Imagine Dragons.... Radioactive
and the depression of feared loss is setting in.
SHIT.
not tonight.. not now, I have opportunity, I dont want to shut down.
Please not now.. not now...
such confusion.
please leave me alone - I see why people drink.
This is so difficult.
fuck. if i could sleep now to dull it until tomorrow i would.
but i can't i need to keep working.. i need to be okay. i want to be okay.
find a spark.. find a one good thing.. Reach, Woman... REACH GODDAMNIT IT!
reach. find it. what?
pumpkins? a scarf.....
this pit. my soul. i need to heal. i need to be okay. Maybe i need to sleep.
too bad i wont...
and the depression of feared loss is setting in.
SHIT.
not tonight.. not now, I have opportunity, I dont want to shut down.
Please not now.. not now...
such confusion.
please leave me alone - I see why people drink.
This is so difficult.
fuck. if i could sleep now to dull it until tomorrow i would.
but i can't i need to keep working.. i need to be okay. i want to be okay.
find a spark.. find a one good thing.. Reach, Woman... REACH GODDAMNIT IT!
reach. find it. what?
pumpkins? a scarf.....
this pit. my soul. i need to heal. i need to be okay. Maybe i need to sleep.
too bad i wont...
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Today, I saw this photo...
after I had been daydreaming of hopping a train to Boston.. just to go, just to be, just to feel the City.
I love doing that. It has been almost 10 years since I have.
I was discussing "spark Loss" with a friend Yesterday... to a slight degree. I have very much been a dulled spark for a while, ...quite a while. I am wanting to hop trains and go to the city, I am wanting to sit up late at night and do art or projects, I want coffee, I want to look good.
T-Shirts and Jeans... how boring. I want to buy new shoes. (Mine are all so old and dirty and un-feminine.) no High Heels, but something clean and decent would be nice.
The weather has cooled today, this morning is nice. The thunderstorms yesterday watered the gardens, which are doing well. Its a good thing.
As far as my soul goes... well - who knows. oh... I do. that's right.
I can only do for me. I do have wishes and wants, but I cannot control others experience here in this walk, so I have to be here, and do my best to make it enjoyable for ME. I have a stable home for the time being, a work room, a dear female friend, my daughter and food to eat. I have the base for amazing business workings- which will bring income - and those nice shoes I want.
so.
Just gonna do my best to give the spark oxygen and turn it from a spark to a sparkling flame. :)
...that rides a train to Boston.
after I had been daydreaming of hopping a train to Boston.. just to go, just to be, just to feel the City.
I love doing that. It has been almost 10 years since I have.
I was discussing "spark Loss" with a friend Yesterday... to a slight degree. I have very much been a dulled spark for a while, ...quite a while. I am wanting to hop trains and go to the city, I am wanting to sit up late at night and do art or projects, I want coffee, I want to look good.
T-Shirts and Jeans... how boring. I want to buy new shoes. (Mine are all so old and dirty and un-feminine.) no High Heels, but something clean and decent would be nice.
The weather has cooled today, this morning is nice. The thunderstorms yesterday watered the gardens, which are doing well. Its a good thing.
As far as my soul goes... well - who knows. oh... I do. that's right.
I can only do for me. I do have wishes and wants, but I cannot control others experience here in this walk, so I have to be here, and do my best to make it enjoyable for ME. I have a stable home for the time being, a work room, a dear female friend, my daughter and food to eat. I have the base for amazing business workings- which will bring income - and those nice shoes I want.
so.
Just gonna do my best to give the spark oxygen and turn it from a spark to a sparkling flame. :)
...that rides a train to Boston.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Rainy SUnday...
It's a Rainy Sunday with a Super Moon.
all of this talk of Super Moon... Howling, 'join us for the super moon..'
like we could miss it. I now know why my feelings are so intense, it is said to bring up buried truths, to wrench things from you to look at. ooooOOOoooh... well then. Gee, thanks.
Did the garden tour, wishing I wasn't brain dead all the time. I am brain dead because of these allergies and being unhappy. The only way I am going to be happy is to DECIDE to be happy- to fill my time with good things that make me happy, that feed MY OWN soul.
I am seeing things as I look, happiness of others, things they bring to one another, things that are not of me or mine.
It is hard to stand in a position of knowing that my current situation is not rite for me, but waiting to see what is. I've spoken my piece, I am at a full circle in these things. I have more to say, and would like to be able to release and let all be happy. I never went through my own pain with my relationship to Patrick. I am so use to him being in my life that the absence of him makes me scared and sad. Is it just the familiarity? He seems so happy with his current life. I want him to be happy.. I never want him to hurt again. We both went through so much pain, it was so deteriorating.
So, is he right for me? In security- yes, in lifestyle.. no. He is with someone who likes the things he likes - the cheerleader, hair and nails, american society person. Malls, TV etc. Me? I am of a different persuasion. Soul, Energy, Earth... As much as I would love to have a nice house, neat clothes, be clean... I most likely will spend days chopping wood for my wood stove and humming as I bake bread.
so... I am needing to find my own center, to make my own path. To Be happy Now.. as he said.
He did it. I will look to him for example and smile. He is happy. And that is what is good.
all of this talk of Super Moon... Howling, 'join us for the super moon..'
like we could miss it. I now know why my feelings are so intense, it is said to bring up buried truths, to wrench things from you to look at. ooooOOOoooh... well then. Gee, thanks.
Did the garden tour, wishing I wasn't brain dead all the time. I am brain dead because of these allergies and being unhappy. The only way I am going to be happy is to DECIDE to be happy- to fill my time with good things that make me happy, that feed MY OWN soul.
I am seeing things as I look, happiness of others, things they bring to one another, things that are not of me or mine.
It is hard to stand in a position of knowing that my current situation is not rite for me, but waiting to see what is. I've spoken my piece, I am at a full circle in these things. I have more to say, and would like to be able to release and let all be happy. I never went through my own pain with my relationship to Patrick. I am so use to him being in my life that the absence of him makes me scared and sad. Is it just the familiarity? He seems so happy with his current life. I want him to be happy.. I never want him to hurt again. We both went through so much pain, it was so deteriorating.
So, is he right for me? In security- yes, in lifestyle.. no. He is with someone who likes the things he likes - the cheerleader, hair and nails, american society person. Malls, TV etc. Me? I am of a different persuasion. Soul, Energy, Earth... As much as I would love to have a nice house, neat clothes, be clean... I most likely will spend days chopping wood for my wood stove and humming as I bake bread.
so... I am needing to find my own center, to make my own path. To Be happy Now.. as he said.
He did it. I will look to him for example and smile. He is happy. And that is what is good.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Olive Juice.
All of these songs I have avoided for so many many years- the things I would shut out in anger (my beloved cover..) 'oh, how stupidly sappy..' I would say. 'He's so dumb'.
They get me. Every day now. I cannot run away from them fast enough. I cannot get away far enough. They seep in. As I walk through TV filled rooms... as they follow me from hidden speakers in Grocery's Ceilings... in Waiting rooms and Convenience stores. I wake from restless sleep eyes stinging with them in my head.
"Say what you need to say..." you would jokingly sing at me. How could I? Whenever I did it came out screaming hurt.
Now.. Every day I stay alone. Once the realization hit, I had to hide. I cry.
...But at least I know WHY I cry now.
So, I suppose that part is okay. (in some horrid evil way)
People drink to numb themselves... If I were to drink, I would lament the truth from my soul like a thousand winds of the highest mountains...
And I could kill us all in the process.
..So I wait.
And I remorse.. I am so sorry.
I hold a box of a thousand band-aids the size of infinite elephant shoes...
They get me. Every day now. I cannot run away from them fast enough. I cannot get away far enough. They seep in. As I walk through TV filled rooms... as they follow me from hidden speakers in Grocery's Ceilings... in Waiting rooms and Convenience stores. I wake from restless sleep eyes stinging with them in my head.
"Say what you need to say..." you would jokingly sing at me. How could I? Whenever I did it came out screaming hurt.
Now.. Every day I stay alone. Once the realization hit, I had to hide. I cry.
...But at least I know WHY I cry now.
So, I suppose that part is okay. (in some horrid evil way)
People drink to numb themselves... If I were to drink, I would lament the truth from my soul like a thousand winds of the highest mountains...
And I could kill us all in the process.
..So I wait.
And I remorse.. I am so sorry.
I hold a box of a thousand band-aids the size of infinite elephant shoes...
Friday, June 21, 2013
This time..
Now it is seemingly my turn to hurt. For the first time since I was 17. Is this just for lesson or reminding? Is this real? It feels so real it cuts to the bone. It removes my breath and refuses to let me eat. I sleep minimally and cry often. My eyes are so tired and my soul is so worn. I just want it all better.
Please fix this.
I am so sorry.
I didn't know.
Make it better... you always have before- you always know how.
See what careless love can do?
Please fix this.
I am so sorry.
I didn't know.
Make it better... you always have before- you always know how.
See what careless love can do?
Monday, May 20, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Working on it.
and I feel like I am accomplishing things. I am Doing much Muchness regaining. ;) I am working on my business and with children and with gardening and gardening club and with life.
I have decided my own path, and I pray each day it goes easily.
I want to be friendly With Michael. But I am no longer willing to be in an intimate relationship with him. And that is Okay.
We are just Different. I feel SO much better after releasing it.
I am making Magical Goodness and Joyful Creations.
I am glad and grateful and Happy in this moment.
Thank you. <3 br="">
I have decided my own path, and I pray each day it goes easily.
I want to be friendly With Michael. But I am no longer willing to be in an intimate relationship with him. And that is Okay.
We are just Different. I feel SO much better after releasing it.
I am making Magical Goodness and Joyful Creations.
I am glad and grateful and Happy in this moment.
Thank you. <3 br="">
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
And theres today..
Keeping myself as occupied as I can with production of Sun Moon Stars Products.
Changing Life as needed. Big Changes, and Reclaiming of Soul.
STICK THIS TIME, DAMNITT.
Changing Life as needed. Big Changes, and Reclaiming of Soul.
STICK THIS TIME, DAMNITT.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Oh.. conundrum...
Rain today.. Beautiful Beautiful rain.. All of a sudden the world is green, and I am thinking magical thoughts....
Do i have to go into the world and do 'things'? Can't I stay home in the wildden and concoct?
Inspiration comes at absurd times...
But, Spell candles are what is on my mind.
I do so love concocting.. This rain is helpful for my soul. Cleansing and lightening...
Ritual Oils, Candles and perfumes...
And my own intent behind it all.
Me, Abundantly Well off financially, Getting Maggie and I our Home, and Continuing being awesome!
Do i have to go into the world and do 'things'? Can't I stay home in the wildden and concoct?
Inspiration comes at absurd times...
But, Spell candles are what is on my mind.
I do so love concocting.. This rain is helpful for my soul. Cleansing and lightening...
Ritual Oils, Candles and perfumes...
And my own intent behind it all.
Me, Abundantly Well off financially, Getting Maggie and I our Home, and Continuing being awesome!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
See.
"You
know those times when you look at things and go 'Meh'? You know...
laundry. dishes, etc... in lieu of better things for your soul- like
gardening? Yea.. I'm there. The Rhubarb is in, The Horseradish is in,
The Hostas have been moved, The Pole Beans are happily nested under the
soil waiting to sprout up... Yes. This is the way I go. (anyone want to
come do my laundry and clean my house?) heh."
Was My FB post for the night.
I cried again today... When Michael put on Matis in the car.. because it was what I listened to in Az. with my brother, driving down the canyon, and in quiet morning times.
I am rather lost. The only time I am really okay is when I am engulfed in gardening things and I forget.
I forget my Brother
I forget Jerome
I forget my friends
I forget how wonderful the valley is
I forget moon rise and dirt roads.
I forget the longing soul pull of the past 13 years.
I was ready to go home the month I got here... the cold, dark first winter here... I was crying to go home.
And I still cry to go home.
So I am lost.
I have so much work to do in this life.
At times,I come up with a plan.. but it is so much like ether and vapor... it dissipates before I can catch it. I can feel it.. it feels like financial independence, Like prosperity through growing things, like travel, like good solid ground and great running cars. It feels like solidity in my soul, and solid ground to stand on. It feels like free choice and scheduled tasks that are good work. It feels like real life and manifest goodness....
But it fades.
Quickly.
Because I am sad. I ache, I cry.
I know my brother wants me to be happy, I know exactly what he would say- Just do what you need to. I know he is not expecting me to move now, and probably doesn't really care if I do or don't. He just wants me happy.
I feel like I need to build something. I feel like this summer is for tools, building, and reaping rewards. And Traveling soon. I feel like it may take a bit. I feel like I need to be independent and Financially so before I jump. Hell, I can't just uproot and live in chaos and crisis. I've done that. I'm too old for that... and Maggie. She deserves more.
I want to hold those fleeting moments of what I like the feeling of before the become vapor... I want to hold them, be them, have the knowledge on what I am supposed to do now, next and then. I want to know what steps to take to become the independent person who can fly wherever whenever, and make money when she gets there, or choose to take the day off.
I want to be comfortable in my life, in my surroundings, and have nice things if I so choose...
I want to be fully prepared for any financial thing that comes along good or not so much. I want to be solid in my life, in my dealings, in my gifts and talents as I work with them to create a beautifully prosperous and extremely joy-filled life.
... please let me see what to do now.
Was My FB post for the night.
I cried again today... When Michael put on Matis in the car.. because it was what I listened to in Az. with my brother, driving down the canyon, and in quiet morning times.
I am rather lost. The only time I am really okay is when I am engulfed in gardening things and I forget.
I forget my Brother
I forget Jerome
I forget my friends
I forget how wonderful the valley is
I forget moon rise and dirt roads.
I forget the longing soul pull of the past 13 years.
I was ready to go home the month I got here... the cold, dark first winter here... I was crying to go home.
And I still cry to go home.
So I am lost.
I have so much work to do in this life.
At times,I come up with a plan.. but it is so much like ether and vapor... it dissipates before I can catch it. I can feel it.. it feels like financial independence, Like prosperity through growing things, like travel, like good solid ground and great running cars. It feels like solidity in my soul, and solid ground to stand on. It feels like free choice and scheduled tasks that are good work. It feels like real life and manifest goodness....
But it fades.
Quickly.
Because I am sad. I ache, I cry.
I know my brother wants me to be happy, I know exactly what he would say- Just do what you need to. I know he is not expecting me to move now, and probably doesn't really care if I do or don't. He just wants me happy.
I feel like I need to build something. I feel like this summer is for tools, building, and reaping rewards. And Traveling soon. I feel like it may take a bit. I feel like I need to be independent and Financially so before I jump. Hell, I can't just uproot and live in chaos and crisis. I've done that. I'm too old for that... and Maggie. She deserves more.
I want to hold those fleeting moments of what I like the feeling of before the become vapor... I want to hold them, be them, have the knowledge on what I am supposed to do now, next and then. I want to know what steps to take to become the independent person who can fly wherever whenever, and make money when she gets there, or choose to take the day off.
I want to be comfortable in my life, in my surroundings, and have nice things if I so choose...
I want to be fully prepared for any financial thing that comes along good or not so much. I want to be solid in my life, in my dealings, in my gifts and talents as I work with them to create a beautifully prosperous and extremely joy-filled life.
... please let me see what to do now.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday
Still not feeling back to how I was. I just want to feel happy.
I would like to say- Normal- but I can't, because I don't know if that is truly what I want- I want normal for ME. Not 'how things were' - because I have changed... I do not want to go back to homeostasis. Complacency of boredom and lostness.
I want to be new... renewed.. that is what my trip was supposed to let me do... and maybe it did, on a level I have yet to understand. Maybe it shocked me so much that I have been pulled from my sunkenness. If that is what is true- is this ache and sadness and anger and resentful storm only a change?
If I was looking at this from the outside I would say 100% yes.
I would say to the person posing this question -
This new emotional turmoil state is your old homeostasis fighting to stay with you as a new expansion arises and pulls you forward.
I would tell the person to just hold on.. and to follow their soul. To do small things every day that make them feel even a tiny bit of light, a small glimmer.. whatever that is.
I would say that things do not have to be the way they have always been, that change can occur happily and easily. That crisis mode is not something that has to be relived and relived... it can be a thought of the past. A new thought can come in and be in your own soul - a thought of "How would I really want this to be? How would be a beautiful way for things to occur and what would I want to see happen?"
... Those are the questions I would pose to the person asking...
and I like those questions. They give me a glimmer of hope.
Let me feel them, let me feel their ease and goodness.
Let me ease into money, lots and lots of money. Let me ease into a smooth life of travel and being independent. Let me start from where I am, From the here and now, From this moment... to step into my fullness and creative self and utilize my gifts and talents to pave my easy way.
I pray for these things, for a guiding hand and for the centeredness and drive to accomplish wonderful and prosperous and productive things in my life- NOW.
Thank You. I am ready.
I would like to say- Normal- but I can't, because I don't know if that is truly what I want- I want normal for ME. Not 'how things were' - because I have changed... I do not want to go back to homeostasis. Complacency of boredom and lostness.
I want to be new... renewed.. that is what my trip was supposed to let me do... and maybe it did, on a level I have yet to understand. Maybe it shocked me so much that I have been pulled from my sunkenness. If that is what is true- is this ache and sadness and anger and resentful storm only a change?
If I was looking at this from the outside I would say 100% yes.
I would say to the person posing this question -
This new emotional turmoil state is your old homeostasis fighting to stay with you as a new expansion arises and pulls you forward.
I would tell the person to just hold on.. and to follow their soul. To do small things every day that make them feel even a tiny bit of light, a small glimmer.. whatever that is.
I would say that things do not have to be the way they have always been, that change can occur happily and easily. That crisis mode is not something that has to be relived and relived... it can be a thought of the past. A new thought can come in and be in your own soul - a thought of "How would I really want this to be? How would be a beautiful way for things to occur and what would I want to see happen?"
... Those are the questions I would pose to the person asking...
and I like those questions. They give me a glimmer of hope.
Let me feel them, let me feel their ease and goodness.
Let me ease into money, lots and lots of money. Let me ease into a smooth life of travel and being independent. Let me start from where I am, From the here and now, From this moment... to step into my fullness and creative self and utilize my gifts and talents to pave my easy way.
I pray for these things, for a guiding hand and for the centeredness and drive to accomplish wonderful and prosperous and productive things in my life- NOW.
Thank You. I am ready.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)