“If you swim effortlessly in the deep oceans, ride the waves to and from the shore, if you can breathe under water and dine on the deep treasures of the seas; mark my words, those who dwell on the rocks carrying nets will try to reel you into their catch. The last thing they want is for you to thrive in your habitat because they stand in their atmosphere where they beg and gasp for some air.”
~C. JoyBell C.

Grow

"Grow up" they said- get real 

There is no growing up, there is merely growing, there is only gaining experience. 

"Growing up" is a fallacy created by soccer moms in suburbia to measure keeping up with the joneses. This is the Wild. This is where the sun and moon rise for the whole of the Universe. This place of souls and wind will always keep me young and filled with awe.  

Grow up. Plants grow up- towards the sun. Which is only outward toward the universe, against the gravitational pull, expansion in being. There is no 'grow up'.  

There is only grow. 

So no, I shall not. 

setpoints and change.

So,  I sit here with my Sister... my sister but not my sister. And I am grateful. We do life things.. laundry, dishes, grocery. The normal things. Things that for so long I have wanted to do. And again, I am grateful. She even refills the coffee pot when she empties it.
This is what 'normal' feels like.
It is good for me to be learning. It is good to have these experiences. They may be small, they may seem trivial... but to me they mean a lot. Talking, Agreeing, Being a family. It is so good to learn.
I know it is something that is helping me, because my emotional and spiritual setpoint will adjust to it, and it will be a 'norm' for me.
And then I hope to not go back to things that are unhealthy for me.
It's interesting....
and Good.
and here comes the Holiday.

so grateful.

It's interesting, what's important to people... the little things that mean so much. My sister bought a Pyrex Measuring cup the other day, and you would have thought it was the biggest act of rebellion and greatest gift for herself. Made me laugh. I understand where she was coming from....
We are here, in Arizona. There is a wind today that is neither warm nor frozen. I am glad for it... I am glad to be in a land of nonexcess. (well, until Summer I suppose.. but I am okay with that part). Pieces parts are familliar, memory sparks from an adult perspective and then the emotion surrounding things change.
Healing ensues.
I have a hard time with looking back at NH. I have had to make it a point to not see images of my old home, of my old belongings. It was said that this was the same to a friend, our move, as her divorce.... And I have to say, it strangely is that for me as well. It feels like when I left Shane for NH. Knowing all the things that I built for so long I had left behind. Not being able to see or hear about my old house because my things were there, being used by people I didnt know. Resentment filled any space that was left in that old home.. which is now here, in this Valley...
But in time, it faded, after 13 years, I don't remember.. because I built new memories, acquired new things.
I will do that again. My gypsy cave, my artist lair, my WildDen will be rebuilt.. but in a Merlin Fashion. The only missing element of the past. I will have our own home, where hurt and anger and resentment do not reside. Where silliness abounds, like it does now. Where family, and Holidays and Tradition are of utmost importance - as they are here and now, and will never leave again.

It has taken me a bit to readjust to this new life, a life that is actually my own true level of comfort. It is like stepping back into a pair of my favorite comfortable shoes. This is the life I remember, This is how  I was programmed, this is the good stuff. The silly daily life of christmas lights and counters needing to be cleared. The running kids to school and whats for dinner comforts.
I am so very grateful to be living this life, a normal life, a comforting, fitting life...
My soul is calm, and my heart no longer aches or has static.
Its new, and it's good.
And I am so grateful....

Dec One.

So, on this 1st of December (despite the calendar being a man-made thing...) I am thinking about where I AM and what that means. I am home.. I have waited many, many years to be here. It was never 'time' before, regardless of my longing, the signs were never pointing this way. (but I always knew I would come back). I am grateful for the time away, I would never have been able to sustain here, had skills to share or a support system so strong. I feel I did what I could in NH, I made amazing bonds, had brilliant experiences and expanded my world more than I ever knew was possible. None of that would have happened in this little Valley. And now... I am glad to quietly share what I have learned in ways useful to others, sing love songs to this place, and laugh with my family daily in Joy.. Yes. Life is good, and I am grateful.