Drip.. Drip.. Drip..

11:46 pm... and I should be sleeping. There is a cat yawrling outside. not yowling as normal.. a deep guttural sound.. yawrling.
I have been over tired for weeks now. I dont want to be over tired, I want to rest. I know being over tired is really, really bad for me. My tired walls let in fear and doubt that are imagined things that come from no where. I get cranky, super easily frustrated and make rash decisions. Only the latter can I control well. I want to sleep, I dont want to lay awake and think. I need to drink my own concoctions to help me do so. I am in fear a lot lately at night. It seems as though my to-do list is ever growing, never ending and I feel bogged down.
The weather has been unnaturally nice the past 2 days, which freaks me out to the point where I cannot even enjoy it, because I feel like this is just Mother Nature saying sorry for being such an ass with these past two storms and getting ready to hit us with another one.
Since Christmas, my security has been completely shattered. The whole Connie thing, Steven eating any sense of home I had by bringing her into the house (was it the same for him with Isaac?? I pray not..) and then the shop completely flooding and almost doing so again.. I'm just a wreck lately. I wish I could sleep soundly, but I never do. I probably wont until Maggie is 7 or 8. I dont think I have slept well since we lived on Belknap after Pat moved out, but before Isaac moved in.
Living on the second floor freaks me out, all the time, I love my apartment, but am paralyzed by the fear of fire. I lay awake and obsess about the river and some random reason for Maggie being near it and falling in, or us crossing the train tracks and getting our foot caught and getting killed. I do NOT sleep well, and I know that all of these things that keep me awake are because I have been so over tired for so very long.
I love my shop as well, however, I think I need to do something outside of it, or I may become a hermit, concentrating only on one thing, and lose out on so much in life.
Im still trying to fit all of this stuff into our house like a massively detailed jigsaw puzzle. Its quite insane, really. Im pretty much ready to pack the random boxes that are all still full sitting all over, into my truck and take them to storage. I just dont have room for it all. Maggs room is a disaster, mine is as well! When I get up in the mornings, the clutter actually hurts my eyes. I cant stand the sight of it. Its like waaay too much. And I'm overweight and stiff and non-flexible from stress. Damnitt.
now, after all that bitching, what DO I like? I absolutely LOVE my new friends, I like my apartment, its beautiful floors and colors, I like my porch, I like being able to walk outside, I like the fact that the Shop keeps me busy- that I'm not bored and do destructive life-changing things, I like that Isaac and I live in separate places and he visits on the weekends, I really like this town, I love being back in school for herbal stuff- it's totally inspiring. I feel so good when I am there- I can feel sparks of Divine stirring in my soul again, like drops of beauty regaining their shine. I have missed that part of my self.
So, its not all bad, I really think I just need some very very good sleep. I need the rejuvenating rest.. and I think I will start working on helping myself about it tomorrow.