Where you miss something that you said you wanted gone. Familiarity is a bitch. Holidays are so hard, every year. It was at this time, 5 years ago he told me he didnt want this life, this child... me. My heart breaks every year, i cover it up. i cry for the things he could have been, the things i see him now do that i asked, begged, pleaded for. I cry to wonder why me- why did he hate me, why did he love me so- all in one sob. and i cry to wonder why it's always still there. every year. The first year, i had to have thanksgiving dinner at my own home in order to keep my self together- just stay busy. just keep busy so you dont have to think about your shattered life, about someone who doesnt want you so very much that he is willing to kill himself to escape. Hide from the pain of this person who refuses to love you enough to pull himself together and live a beautiful life with you and this amazing Light-Being-Child.
i know, through all of my teachings and self-experience it has nothing to do with the other person, its all within self. It is all an outward expression of what we have held tightly within, but it all reflected to me, all pushed ugly buttons in my soul.. so bad.
i see such a beautiful light in him, i always have -always. I hate him so much for wasting his talent, for not being fully aware, for not doing the things i KNOW he is so beautifully capable of. The damn guy could build a world with his bare hands, and hold it in his palm if he would JUST focus his energy there.
And it looks like he is, now.... and it kills so much to see what he told me he could and would do for me, .. for someone else. He is one of the most Brilliant people I have ever met. Most Brilliant.. he shines so brightly...
But I will never be clean enough, and I will never be un-hurt enough, and i dont know that i could ever heal enough to try to walk those steps again.
So, this time of year, I cry... until i am numb enough not to. Every year.. now 5 years.
At least this year we are not fighting or in court...
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