Read something VERY interesting, and thought Provoking this morning-
..."I would look for insurmountable odds in my work challenges because they seemed so insignificant compared to what I had survived in my early life."
... oooh so that's it. I think I get it. *sigh* OK, so that's why I do what I do.
Things when I was young-
We were very poor, My mother worked all the time, we were on state aid, We had a house but lost it. There were extreme odds against my single mother. I watched her, and learned. I lived the Life and took it as what was for me, what I was.
By age 16, I did everything on my own, and survived. I had to learn to 'make-do' with what I had, always finding creative solutions to things.
The Main thing is that I was always in a 'poor' state. We had an okay home life, I loved being at the river, but there was always the 'we don't have' factor. We could never afford anything, never could have new or good things. I always had used or hand-me-downs. We always ate second rate foods, and at one time, dumpster-dived for months. (maybe years). I remember going behind the groceries to find the stuff they would throw out with my mom and grandma.
And I survived.
I survived my mother's abuse. I survived living in an adobe with no water, no bathroom. I made due when I had to.
So now, knowing how to do so, my set point is still there- I have that extreme. I have to go so very very low, because I know I can survive it. It's like having extreme odds to fight, To rise above. Its making a set-point of adrenaline to rise to, to a maximum amount of thrill, a maximum amount of hardship to show-up. Something to have others look at in my wake and go- wow!! 'She overcame that- WOW! look where she came from, the odds that were stacked against her and she pulled through! She came from so much of nothing and made so much out of her self.' But I am already there- I have already beaten the odds- I am not an addict, I do not abuse my child, I do not live in the slums or projects.
It's Almost Ego. It's almost that I have to show the world how good I can be so that I can laugh in the faces of those 5th grade girls that laughed at me, or that person who asked me if I smoked because I reeked like my mother (when I have always found smoking vile). Its as if I feel the need to show the world I can come back from the brink, that I am so strong, so good. But I already have.
So What is this? Just a set-point I learned.
Nothing compares to where I have been, so I have been keeping myself there, at that extreme. I am constantly looking for that Lowest-of-Lows to climb out of challenge, putting myself in negative situations where I am the underdog, behind or in lack, always where I have to overcome extreme odds to make things happen. I have to stress, work very hard and 'just barely make it' when I do anything, because that is what I learned. I even do it with Maggie's school. I wait until the very last minute, I finagle everything and nothing is 'normal'. I know I can survive the worst conditions, and live low, but do I have to? No. Do I have to have assistance? Do I have to never buy new shirts and constantly worry about rent or lack there-of? No, but I do. Why? Because I have been where there is nothing, and survived. Its an extreme, it's how I get my fix and validate myself. I have been to some of the lowest lows, I have seen my mother crawl out of a tent after months of living on the river calling my name, I have seen garbage piled in rooms of my own home. I have made sure my brother could eat when we had absolutely no money, and I made things happen. I lived in constant crisis mode, but do I have to now? No. I am 35. I have my own business, and a 6 Year Old Daughter. I am ahead of the game in so many ways. I live in the land of opportunity, and I want to thrive, not just survive. I want my fixes to come from the comfort and joy I live in, I want my validation to come at the end of the day when I am tired from having a great day full of ease and plenty.
My set-point has always been strife and poverty. It is where I came from, what I learned, and what I know how to survive in. But, I need a new Set-Point. One of tweed skirts in the fall, bank accounts with high balances, money put aside for Maggie's college, and a clean home. (my home is clean, but cluttered) I want and need a new set-point of not doing things at the last minute in crisis mode. I do not and no longer need to live on the edge barely staying above water while constantly drowning. I want a set point of being wonderful and comfortable. I don't need the crisis mode adrenaline. I have been living what I learned, I see. And now that I see it, how do I change it? Work to leave it all behind, and be able to DO the math. I am a smart girl, I can do math, my mother is the one who told me I couldn't. But I was in the gifted program so I am talented, I am gifted, I do know how to have creative solutions to situations. I am an amazing thinker. I like to say I wanted to be paid for my ideas.
I also think I have an issue with guilt. I do not want to seem greedy, I do not want to be materialistic. I do not want to have so much while others have so little. But there is the great paradigm. I am not living in Africa, Afghanistan or China. I live in the USA, this is the place I was born into.
I remember seeing the girls in school with their nice clothes, and their parents making money to buy them things. I felt so belittled by them. I remember once getting new clothes, I was so dazzled by them, they were yellow. I was on top of the world! Now, in my life, I have a pull of materialistic guilt. I do not want to have so much when there are those who have little. I have to understand that I live in America, and that by living my own life well, I set an example for those around me and I can help those who need. (Back to the Ego set-point of - 'she did it!' however, in this way, it is more that I would like to show that anyone can 'do it'.) I can share what I have, if I choose. I will never be ugly and greedy, and I don't need to have an aversion to wealth just because the girls in my 5th grade class had it so good and i was belittled. It all goes back to 5th grade. Victoria, Lisa, and Amber. Making fun of me, and then I got new clothes, and I was going to show them!
Now, one is a single mom, one is a drug addict and I don't know where the other is. But, that is a set-point. The guilt and the not-having. I was shamed and ridiculed. And that caused a less-than set-point. A set point of being less-than. Never rising above those things that I cannot have, always staying in that mode. Living what I was told, when what I was told is untrue.
First, I need to be able to break out of this learned way of being, this crisis set-point where everything HAS to be an issue, where I have never been good enough. Because that is what I have made my life. Crisis. All the time. Everything is last minute, everything is less-than. I have done most things half-ass, because somewhere I have thought I need that lack. I am always late, I wear hole-filled, stained shirts because I think I can't have better. I keep myself in the poverty cycle even though I have immense opportunities to be different. I can be beautiful, I do have time to shower, I can make money at what I love, I can have a clean, upscale life where my home is in order and the floors are clean and there aren't boxes and bags all over. I don't have to use up the things people give me instead of buying new things for myself. its a set-point.
Become something new.
Know that just because I survived the harsh childhood I had (by American Standards) does not mean I have to stay in lack, crisis and a low set-point.
I can Do good, Live well, and Prosper & Thrive.
So. That's interesting, huh? I want to read and re-read this statement until it fully sinks in and it starts to change. My stasis tried to numb it out, and I don't want it to, I want the change.
Me. Tweed. Today. ;)
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