difference

There is a difference between here and there.. then and now. It's like the difference between being in college at a dorm and being home with mom and dad where your laundry gets done.
I am home. in my family's comfort and my laundry is getting done.
See... In New England, I always had this itching drive to do something, to get things done, to do more and strive towards something - some goal, some huge 'better than now'.
 I was searching for something to fill a space - if i could just.. (insert whatever here)... I would feel content. I would get to that place of ease and comfort. But no matter what I did.. that itch was still there. There was never enough- 'nope, this isn't it EITHER'.. and I'd move onto something else.

But now. Now I don't feel that way at all. Now I am calm. My chest isn't frantic, I am not scared all of the time,  or upset or sad or longing and missing. I just AM. Yes, there is the money thing, but I don't let it over throw my life. It's a couple months worth of deposits and it's Maggie's plane tickets, but it's okay. I have a job. I have a home. (which I have to say both are taking some time getting use to. There is that underlying panic that everything is going to fall apart at any minute. I've had someone else to rely on for so many years, coming back to self-reliance is a little unnerving.) But.. at least I am home, and my proverbial laundry is getting done.
 And I am always surprised at the goodness of outcomes around me. I suppose I am use to New England's helpfulness, but I really didn't expect it here, from people. It's new, and good, and ... Nice.
And I am grateful.