I am thinking about public eye and what it is about to be a person who creates for the public. I am thinking about the fact that I have little inspiration lately. I really dont want to bother with making things for others. I have very little need to prove myself, I dont have the same energy backing "this is why I do what I do". I really dont want to do anything for anyone... I kind of just want to paint. I kind of just want to hole myself up in my space against the world. I feel like I have nothing to give, Like i am an imposter. I feel like I put on a good show and thats about it, i create a personae. I want to run to the hills and lock myself away down a dirt road and just live. I want to fed the wood stove, stare out the window, watch the leaves and snow fall... I want to create a quiet life to regain my footing, because I truly have not gathered myself enough. I have always had an issue with doing too much for others, for living and molding myself into what others want because they need something. Now it's not one, but masses. I put on a show... I want groundedness... I want inspiration, I want to leave, I want to just live surrounded by good comfort.
When I look at the past year, I have had security, but not comfort, not ease. Not tradition and not truth, only comfort of security and some laughter. I have lived with constant irritation, and chose to ignore it--because it could be worse. I made the decision to be in this place, to help these children. I and coming to open my soul to see what is really going on. I am stifled, my flame is more of static than spark. I am not made of man made electricity, I am ember and smoulder of pitch and bark, of burl and leaves...
Breathe this open love this open light this clean air and move toward it...
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