Maggie is sleeping.. she doesn't sleep well. She talks in her sleep- she wakes up all the time. She never gets a full night rest. She was doing better for a while. Not now.. and neither am I.
I dont know how to hold myself up some times. I try so hard. Some days and most nights i want to run so far away, find some safe, warm, dark place that will comfort my searching, scared, crying soul. I try..
But when I am tired.. I cannot hold up the required walls. Things crumble all around me, I want to crumble, too...
I am scared something is wrong with Moo.. she looks so tired all the time now. She wakes up exhausted. She looks like hell. Is this a normal life for a child? Am I doing rite by her? I can beat myself to a pulp working and trying to hold us up, but is it all taking a horrid toll on her?
I am an herbalist... I should be able to help her sleep. I am an herbalist.. I should not be coughing after 3 weeks.
I don't speak my fears- I push through them. But what I really want is someone to hold me, and Help me and Love me. People say- 'Oh, you have your family here.." yea. i appreciate all of them, but in the still of the night, in the dark of the cold winter, in my quiet room, my heart is sad. I think i have suffered enough. I was beaten and abused since i was born, rejected moments after birth. I think 33 years later, after a life of abuse.. neglect.. lies and just ignorance, I deserve to be happy. I deserve secure love, emotional warmth, support, ease, and someone to count on. I deserve to know where I will be next year. I deserve to feel safe.
I am tired.. I am worn..
on this Thanksgiving night, I am only scared, tired, worn.. sad. the tears are hot tonight..
And I put up a damn good front. Because I think I have to.. But what if that is not whats true? What if what is true is a reality I cannot Imagine? Something Beautiful and Whole, where I dont have to fight each step just to keep it all together. One where I dont give a second thought to the thoughts I have when I wake up, because they are all happy? And maybe a place where I am not hesitant to dream at night.. because the dreams are pleasant.. they are beautiful reflections rather than fear based floods and lost searches..
What if?
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