So, I am thinking about Negativity today. Not a fun place to be, but I am living with so much of it in my chest these days, that it colors my self being. I see negative posts on Facebook, and I have to hid them, delete them, something. immediately. It's too much, my soul is so filled to the top, there is no room for anything else. its almost as the water tension at the top is just big enough to hold and nothing else can be added, lest it all overflow.
This is not good.
I feel as though I need to have a conversation, but I dont know what to say. I dont know what I am meaning, because I have said what I wanted to, but it feels like there is more - though I dont think there is.
See, I have this understanding. I know that all of this 'stuff' in my chest is me- I know that it is all about me, that it is all me wanting to live alone. I know that no 'issues' are any issues but internal issues. All things stem from within. They all start with "I AM". How I feel, what I want - Me. So really, in all essence, there is no conversation to be had.
It's the same. I want to be alone, as always. Me, Maggie, Home, all in my own arranging control. And yet... Life has led me here, so now again, i am at a place where i am building life at a new angle with new tools and new ideas. 9well, save for one old idea.. the reoccurring one where the Universe always hits me in the head with a 2x4 and i have to do the same thing over and over and over again- which is what always feels like an escape. which it is not... I just need to FINALLY accept the fact, and STICK TO IT, that i do not live well with others, no matter how much i think i can 'make it work' - my grand ideas are solitary. I like to live alone. end of story. me, Maggs, Home.)
anyways. Art is going on with me, and I am hoping it sticks. I dont want to lose this one, i want to live full-soul. which is in my art. Always was an artist, always will be an artist.
now... do i have to get a full time job to be okay? Who knows... but I know what i need for me, and that is okay.
Yes, and probably a conversation... i suppose.
*sigh*