See.

"You know those times when you look at things and go 'Meh'? You know... laundry. dishes, etc... in lieu of better things for your soul- like gardening? Yea.. I'm there. The Rhubarb is in, The Horseradish is in, The Hostas have been moved, The Pole Beans are happily nested under the soil waiting to sprout up... Yes. This is the way I go. (anyone want to come do my laundry and clean my house?) heh."
Was My FB post for the night.
I cried again today... When Michael put on Matis in the car.. because it was what I listened to in Az. with my brother, driving down the canyon, and in quiet morning times. 
I am rather lost. The only time I am really okay is when I am engulfed in gardening things and I forget.
I forget my Brother
I forget Jerome
I forget my friends
I forget how wonderful the valley is
I forget moon rise and dirt roads.
I forget the longing soul pull of the past 13 years.
I was ready to go home the month I got here... the cold, dark first winter here... I was crying to go home.
And I still cry to go home.
So I am lost.
I have so much work to do in this life. 
At times,I come up with a plan.. but it is so much like ether and vapor... it dissipates before I can catch it. I can feel it.. it feels like financial independence, Like prosperity through growing things, like travel, like good solid ground and great running cars. It feels like solidity in my soul, and solid ground to stand on. It feels like free choice and scheduled tasks that are good work. It feels like real life and manifest goodness....
But it fades. 
Quickly.
Because I am sad. I ache, I cry. 
I know my brother wants me to be happy, I know exactly what he would say- Just do what you need to. I know he is not expecting me to move now, and probably doesn't really care if I do or don't. He just wants me happy. 
I feel like I need to build something. I feel like this summer is for tools, building, and reaping rewards. And Traveling soon. I feel like it may take a bit. I feel like I need to be independent and Financially so before I jump. Hell, I can't just uproot and live in chaos and crisis. I've done that. I'm too old for that... and Maggie. She deserves more.
I want to hold those fleeting moments of what I like the feeling of before the become vapor... I want to hold them, be them, have the knowledge on what I am supposed to do now, next and then. I want to know what steps to take to become the independent person who can fly wherever whenever, and make money when she gets there, or choose to take the day off. 
I want to be comfortable in my life, in my surroundings, and have nice things if I so choose...
I want to be fully prepared for any financial thing that comes along good or not so much. I want to be solid in my life, in my dealings, in my gifts and talents as I work with them to create a beautifully prosperous and extremely joy-filled life. 
... please let me see what to do now.