Old and New

As some have said, moving has taken a lot of courage.
Or maybe something else.
Maybe a shut-down.

I haven't allowed myself to feel about moving because it is sad and hurting as much as it is joyful and exciting.
I know that sometime, it will be okay, it will be as happy as I have wanted it to be.
Rite now, it it like a skeleton circus. A strange, bizarre world of memories made of spun sugar too fragile to touch.
Its so surreal I cannot feel it, things just happen here.
Very good things happen here. Things that are frighteningly so good I am unable to think them real.
"it's too easy.. " my fear filled child self says in the night, when I am tired and uncomfortable in my own skin..."this is some cruel joke that will be whisked away at any moment."
I feel as if the glass menagerie will fall apart at any given second and I will be dragged crying back to the place I left, to beg shelter and food for Maggie and I. To go back to living like a puppet in skin old and sagging. Back to a dreary world of cold where life is governed by everyone around me, unable to stand on my own two feet, given into being tossed around like a dirty rag doll.
I escaped.
It seems so unreal.
And I am so afraid. I am so afraid for Maggie. I am scared she will be hurt in it all. All she knew I have removed and placed her in a new world and asked her to adjust under an unknown pretense of my own soul death.
I cannot go back.
I will not make it.
My spark will truly die if I have to return.
There wont even be enough of me to be anything for her.
I will completely wither... I will have soul dark.

I left behind so many of our belongings. I couldn't bring some of her things, and I ache over those things. They are just things for sure.. but still. She is only a child.
But I would have died. I would not have made it.

I pray this ache of fear subside soon. It is there, but most of the time its dark head doesn't show.. most of the time the desert sun soothes it, and the promise of a good life's laughter makes the pain invisible.

I will do all I can, in all my soul to make Maggie's life beautiful here, for her. More family, not to replace the old, but to add to what she has. Good experiences to expand her horizons. A full life.

And I know for me.. Eventually the threat fear will subside, when all is said and done with courts and I have had time to be here, and the desert wind and clay have regained their place in my bones and blood.

Beautiful things are happening in my life for sure.. things I never imagined could be for me. I look forward to the days when their sweetness can be fully enjoyed throughout my soul.

Until then I am so grateful....regardless...