isnt sure whats wrong... i feel like i need much comfort, i feel like crying all the time lately. i feel worn and so tired. *sigh* im sad.. :(

this week.

wow, what a week. i have to say, that this past week has been one of the best here yet. It started out with the new hours change for the shop. I actually felt like i had days off, finally. And what good days off I had, Maggs and I did all kinds of good things. This home is starting to feel livable. (did i really just write home?) Maggs always says Home is Steven's house. While I agree, I think that this is our home for now.
Then there has been shop life this week, wow, what a ride! all kinds of good people and things just popping up. It really amazes me the way the Universe works. Love it, love it, love it!
So, thats all. Good things and more good things. Thank you Universe :)

Triupped Silly.

....is realizing she is spending too much time on other people. I opened the shop to do my thing. to make and sell my product line.. and my shop is FULL of other people's crap. Well, not crap, but not my stuff. My stuff has one little shelf, and a wall sort of. The wall is nice, but its half supplies. sheesh.
Hm, i have gotten so far away from the core of what I was doing, I have made myself miserable. Go figure, hu? Cool thing is, I can fix this- this is my shop. ;).

poo.

it's still raining. Its been raining for weeks now... every monday and tuesday to be specific. for about 8 weeks now.
i noticed something about photos of me lately that i dont know i have to change. My eyes have the same look as shane's, and other people i have known.. that sagging upper eyelid sign of unhappiness.
ugh.

Drip.. Drip.. Drip..

11:46 pm... and I should be sleeping. There is a cat yawrling outside. not yowling as normal.. a deep guttural sound.. yawrling.
I have been over tired for weeks now. I dont want to be over tired, I want to rest. I know being over tired is really, really bad for me. My tired walls let in fear and doubt that are imagined things that come from no where. I get cranky, super easily frustrated and make rash decisions. Only the latter can I control well. I want to sleep, I dont want to lay awake and think. I need to drink my own concoctions to help me do so. I am in fear a lot lately at night. It seems as though my to-do list is ever growing, never ending and I feel bogged down.
The weather has been unnaturally nice the past 2 days, which freaks me out to the point where I cannot even enjoy it, because I feel like this is just Mother Nature saying sorry for being such an ass with these past two storms and getting ready to hit us with another one.
Since Christmas, my security has been completely shattered. The whole Connie thing, Steven eating any sense of home I had by bringing her into the house (was it the same for him with Isaac?? I pray not..) and then the shop completely flooding and almost doing so again.. I'm just a wreck lately. I wish I could sleep soundly, but I never do. I probably wont until Maggie is 7 or 8. I dont think I have slept well since we lived on Belknap after Pat moved out, but before Isaac moved in.
Living on the second floor freaks me out, all the time, I love my apartment, but am paralyzed by the fear of fire. I lay awake and obsess about the river and some random reason for Maggie being near it and falling in, or us crossing the train tracks and getting our foot caught and getting killed. I do NOT sleep well, and I know that all of these things that keep me awake are because I have been so over tired for so very long.
I love my shop as well, however, I think I need to do something outside of it, or I may become a hermit, concentrating only on one thing, and lose out on so much in life.
Im still trying to fit all of this stuff into our house like a massively detailed jigsaw puzzle. Its quite insane, really. Im pretty much ready to pack the random boxes that are all still full sitting all over, into my truck and take them to storage. I just dont have room for it all. Maggs room is a disaster, mine is as well! When I get up in the mornings, the clutter actually hurts my eyes. I cant stand the sight of it. Its like waaay too much. And I'm overweight and stiff and non-flexible from stress. Damnitt.
now, after all that bitching, what DO I like? I absolutely LOVE my new friends, I like my apartment, its beautiful floors and colors, I like my porch, I like being able to walk outside, I like the fact that the Shop keeps me busy- that I'm not bored and do destructive life-changing things, I like that Isaac and I live in separate places and he visits on the weekends, I really like this town, I love being back in school for herbal stuff- it's totally inspiring. I feel so good when I am there- I can feel sparks of Divine stirring in my soul again, like drops of beauty regaining their shine. I have missed that part of my self.
So, its not all bad, I really think I just need some very very good sleep. I need the rejuvenating rest.. and I think I will start working on helping myself about it tomorrow.

Drive

So, the rain got in, the shop got wet- I got sick. Crap. But, as I sit here in the upstairs, thinking of what to do next, my die-hard drive is kicking in. If you know me, and know me well enough, you will know that when the going gets tough (outside of relationships..) Dawn gets tough and creative. I can feel that Gypsy wind blowing telling me to throw paint around and see what comes of it. so, this I will do. That shop is going to be the damn coolest thing anyone has seen this side of the Junker Girls, and As always, it will come out of my SOul. Screw this whining, sniveling, caution stuff. I have always thrown that to the wind. I definitely will concern myself with the well-being of other's crafts and belongings, but hell- THIS IS A PARTY we live in, not a damn eggshell carpeted room. so.. welcome to this new set up, come on by, fill up your Soul, and Sing Loud with us!

Sitting in the WIndow

I can hear Blue Jay calling from outside, and am Tempted to go find him. I am Sitting at the dry-rotted Outdoor bistro set I SWORE i would not bring in from the patio of our new apartment, watching the morning unfold. It is one of my new favorite things to do. Morning, Coffee, Window. But, you know.. aside from the fact that it's falling apart (the chair seats are slowly falling through with each planting of our tushes) i like the set up.
Its the same with this whole situation. New Apartment, The Shop, Life. Maggs and I have moved into the New Apartment that was at first thought of to be WAY too small to handle the two of us (ok, me and all my stuff), but has turned out to be just rite! As it stands, there are bags of clothes and boxes of things all over, because we lack proper furniture to put them away- dressers and shelving, but hey- its ok, it will come. We have a few little house plants, a couple of fish and we are good. Dew it still with Steven, kind of miss her.. But I know, she is SO much more comfortable over there for now. We will see what happens in the future.
Its quiet here. You would think, being on THE main street, that it would be unbearably loud.. but its not. Guess Rollinsford just isnt that kind of place. We have met all KINDS of people in this amazing new venture, made such great friends. We have some wonderful friends rite here in town, just acros the street, and up the road. Maggie has actual friends her OWN age to play with- and GIRLS none the less!! it is wonderful for her. I love having friends as well, male and female for once!! The women I have met via the shop opening are so wonderful and spiritual! aahhhh..
All of this is what I have wanted for SO long. I feel like I actually Belong to a real community!! I guess I have Leanne and Isaac to thank most of all, and then down the line of all these other people that have stepped into the picture- so many, and so wonderful.
(although, I can hear Christine saying that I need to thank MYSELF first, because it all came from me... so, yes, I am thankful that I have the drive and creativity to do such things.. not to mention the imagination!)
Speaking of such people, I start an apprentiship under Christine Tolf on March 8th. :D I am super looking forward to it, more ID work, more research, more making stuff!! Yahoo! I look forward to learning more about body systems because I am not so good at clincal. see? I cant even spell it ;) I am totally down with growing things, playing with them, knowing the plants.. but Giving them to people?? I dunno? heh. Guess I didnt get that part out of my first Apprentiship. Who knows. That whole Situation is odd.. with Wendy Fogg. She came to see me on Sunday. For literally 5 minutes. It was strange- they all said it would happen, they were all rite :) She came in, put on that false face of "oh, so glad to see you..." and by the time she left, looked like Medusa. *sigh* Poor lady lives in fear, like Salandrea. Not fun. Disslike button goes here. Please, I PRAY- if I EVER get that way, someone pull me out of it, remind me of my light and then let me sit by the water for a while.
I really enjoy having older women around me, as well. Christine, Deb, Pammie, and Kris. They are like my Mothers.. Its like a Native thing, the Wise Women Council. Totally grateful for them.
Hm.. what else? well, got the SIlverado Back. Wonderful to have a truck! We have been putting lots of money into it, new tires, brakes, exhaust.. and new campershell on the way i think. (and she was running a little rough last night.. NOT looking forward to finding out what THAT is.. ok, maybe i am, just so i can get it fixed.)
Isaac is doing well, hes such a sought-after thing in his field. People chase him all the time. He comes up on the weekends, like a mini-vacation to spend time with us, and get fed. Maggie and he are bonding something amazing! I am so glad for them. He and I are getting some good relaxed talking time in, too. We have bonding nights of sitting at the little table, listening to music and yacking it up :) dig it! lots of laughter ensues! its been so fun, and I am glad it is turning out like I hoped. Thank GoD Indiana Sucked ass. ;)
Well.. I suppose thats about all.. thinking of going for a walk this morning. May be a beautifully clearing way to start the day :)
I am grateful for my friends, family, life and Love. I am Blessed a thousand times over, and I am in LOve with life. *sigh* Im so glad.