How I feel.

Havent written in what seems like a long time, I don't want to write about the same thing or doom and gloom or blah blah blah.
I have been in a state of almost lost mode. Ruck-Sack thought process, of what now? I really don't know, I am just trying to keep my feet under me.
I had a job interview yesterday with Spectrum, the company I worked for a year ago, Good pay, steady work, will really be helpful in life presently.
I work at an inn, in Sedona rite now. It is a great atmosphere, and I really like it, I need more hours and closer to home presently, hence the interview. But, if i don't get the corporate gig, at least I still have something.
I am very much looking forward to having my truck in tip top shape soon. That is a prime directive.
I want to do much outdoorsness this summer, I may take some treks while Maggie is away. And probably even more when she returns. She goes to NH in the next few weeks.


Then there is life. My experience. I could reitterate about how I have been physically feeling very poorly, and about how I have been rather lost, but continue on. I could talk about my lack of ambition and inspiration, and how I feel rather empty... but what good would that do? So. I have decided to exclude all the things that make me feel poorly in my life, and hope that looking to include the things that would make me feel good, will bring about joy and inspiration.
 Maggs and I played at the river for 4 hours yesterday without even knowing it. We had a great time. I watched my nephew last night while my sister went out on the town, and that was good.
Today, I have some herbal work to do, and then I will again go to the river. That will be good. I really want to go up on the mountain, but am unsure about the drive. I may just chance it.
I have a feeling I will be doing better in the next few days, as I eliminate more negativity.
I quelled much of my stress points by ignoring the root of them, and doing what I can as I can.
I am doing what I know I have always appreciated in my previous life line, like having Jazz playing and making my house smell good...
I feel like I could hibernate for 10 years and then would feel refreshed though. I never feel rested, and My body is so heavy much of the time. It will change. Maybe I need to go on a raw diet for a while...
anyways. Life. I am alive, I think I will make rent this month, and I am directing myself to a better path of things that I want in life.
so. yea. those things.
Oh, and I went to Bailey Co. this past weekend with the new brother Eric and Maggie. I am so glad things turned out the way they did leading up to leaving for the trip, because Erica and I really got in some Bonding time. It was really good to see the family, especially Jackie.
Maggie did well on the trip. I like Bailey... reminds me of a more westernized New England of sorts. All I could think of was John Denver... of course.

 Me.. how I want to be....

 Me, Where I want to be....

 My time of year....

How I feel.

divergant...

So..
Today I feel weird.
And I think I know why.
I got a part time job.
I quit my full time job on April 1st. So that I would have all the time in the world to be free, and to do what I want with my own business.
I have one month of rent saved, for this coming month.
And I guess I panicked. Because I took a part time job in Sedona. At an Inn. The job doesn't seem bad, but it is the fact of the matter that I am straying from my initial plan, and I need to work my thinking of it a little differently.
I took the job to make sure I have rent covered in this apartment.
Which I will.
And I will have Friday-Monday free. Which is good. And I will get paid, which is also good.
And I won't stress so much about money. Which is very good.

But tonight I feel a little under the joy flow, so... I need to do something fun.
Like make candles in pumpkin goodness.
so I will.

and hm.
  yes.

Upon waking

I woke up with this thought in my head - there's two kinds of love between people. There's the one where you meet someone and you fall head over heels

In love and it either stays or it doesn't. Then there's the love that grows from time. You meet some one and for whatever reason they stay in your life and over time you just grow to love them. They will always be with you. The love is bond, family, forever becauSe it grew. It wasn't at first sight it wasn't something you put there because of a relationship. It's organic. 

There is such a difference between the two. One is fabricated as a result of a situations expectations and one is soul weaving without acknowledgement. 

I woke to open window birdsong this morning. Beautiful. 

Imagining

I am imagining that it should be nice to be me. I am imagining a new me. A sturdy me. A connected and respected me.
I am imagining a New Me.....

thoughts becomeing things

Thoughts...become....Things....

So, as of late I am real-ing in my own thoughts, watching and noticing how I am be-ing and trying to switch gears. I am seeing things that are interesting to me... calls for my products VS what I am doing daily. Things that I enjoy VS my triggers.
I am skittering around this move into this new place, uneasy but working on it. I somehow don't feel its real, but that is okay. I will settle in for a while, hunker down and see what happens with it.
I am seeing new avenues for my products, and I am liking that.
I am seeing the good light at the end of the long tunnel I have been in, thankfully. Regardless of all the things I have had piled in fear space, It is all clearing, and I am glad.
so. yay.
and onto this good life <3 br="">

"When a thing hurts your eyes, Dawn, stop looking at it.

When it hurts your ears, Dawn, stop listening to it.

And when it hurts your heart, Dawn, stop justifying it.

I love you so much,
    The Universe"


And So I did.... actually 2 days before this. But i did. I could no longer make excuses or pass off behaviors that hurt me and made me on edge. It has been making me sick and soul-ill. So not good. 


on  good notes, Maggie and I are enjoying our new home. Life is calm and good. We are healthy and I am in appreciation of all of the good things I do. 
Yes, this is good. 

good and niceness

I've come to know that I have been feeling numb inside for quite a while now, because when I look at images of forests, I get a deep, buried spark feeling. A feeling I remember, faintly. A magical, energetic thing...
Things have changed in life for the better as of late. I am single... same story different person. And same promise I hope to finally keep to myself. Because I see nothing changes, and I see why.
I have a new Brother. well, an old brother, who is Older than I am, who has found Andrew and I. It is such a good thing.
I hope it is always such a good thing.
I love my new home. Our new home, Maggie and I. Bigger than our last 'own home', but small enough that it is perfect.
Job is going well, sales are picking up.
Weather is beautiful.
Things are generally good. Really good. And Nice. And on the increase of good and niceness.
yes.