Blessings from hard work

Cabbing.  

New Hampshire. 

Driving welfare moms and drug addicts to appointments. 

Not what I expected. But it's doing what it was intended to do. 

Soon- very soon- studio. Paints. Candle making. Tinkering. Music and coffee. Friends. Soon. Very soon. 

Drive

So I drive cab now in New Hampshire.  I run pretty low end routes. I see addicts and welfare moms all day long. Broken people, lazy people and the poor. 

I, maybe once a day, get to interact with good people. Someone who is happy, who has a good shot at life. I like those times.  

I am on a path. I am working to accomplish a goal with Tony and then j will work on my personal goals. 

They are always the same- creation and art, and a home. 

Get a studio and work my way out of working for others and into working for myself.  

Also my vigilanty self has a rather big mouth and I hope to not continue to spout off when I'm mad. Or maybe I'm supposed to. I don't know really. 

Anyways. Onward 

wait

It's a cool, rainy day here in New England. I have made a batch Of Dragon's Hoard candles, as the kids are off at school, and Tony is out doing things.
Am I a Candle Maker? Do I make things of value via creativity and Magical intent?
Maybe...
I have been so low on energy for much, that for a long time I have put all of my things to the wayside, as I wait for a reimagine-ing of self. I certainly enjoy making things, I like creation. I like putting things out there for others.
I am no longer in this place and time for rescue, however. My self is not presently overflowing with shine enough to give.
so I am waiting...

Find

I feel as though I am an awkward teenager looking for my place in this world again. I honestly don't know where I fit in. I am fine with my family but outside of that I am quite lost when it comes

To what I want to do or what direction I should head. I actually feel as though... In a way, if I release all of the lables and expectations I hold for my self, the thing I don't know would be able to be presented to me. Something I have no ideas about, something new and clear and unknown to me. 

And that idea is a very nice one indeed. 

Brain Dump

So much has been going on in my head lately, and I need a brain dump. Not for recognition, not got praise or acknowledgement- just to dump.
Social media. Social media is a time suck and has been a way to connect and feel like I have had acknowledgement as a person for a long time. It no longer feels that way. It feels now, as though it is a waste and a succubus. it feels like ego ad like it takes from my daily understanding and experience of the world around me. It is no good. I want to remove myself from it, but like any addiction, I am afraid of loosing out, I am afraid that it is good off FB I wont have contact with my friends and family. which is absurd. FB has made it so that i dont have in interact with other people, that i dont have to have face to face with others to know how they are or what they are doing.. but this is bad. I have lost personal contact with all of my tribe because of it. I no longer have hour long conversations with people about meaningful things, because i do not make the time, when i can just 'check fb'. LAME. I am gearing up to be all done.
life. changes-
I am getting older, and things are feeling like they are seriously shifting. for the calmer and for the  better. I do not know what the change is, but i know my life will be very different than it has been. I feel like i am settling into who I have become for the next phase of life. I have gone through the 'finding myself' thing, all the explorations and chaos and I am pretty solid about my self. I am great to learn about so much in this world, all about interesting things, to have knowledge like good, solid books on a shelf. At this point, I don't feel the need to travel far and wide, to uproot and change seasonally. I am glad to be grounded and work with what is in my realm now. I feel as though I am waiting and watching the world around me to see what I want to do within it. I am perfectly content to sit on my porch and watch the birds, maybe make a loaf of bread and wait for the kids to come home.
Business.... I am not interested in making a huge business venture rite now. I lack the chaotic flash of inspiration that I have done all of my previous major moves and builds. I don't feel the need to create amazing products to wow and woo the public with. I'm perfectly fine just hanging out. I dont feel like i need to prove myself.
Personae.. Sure, everyone needs to create themselves in life, to have a color and a contrast. I feel like I have done so much of that in this life. I am tired of the ego of 'witchcraft' and the cool kids in the square. I have no drive to be mysterious or selfish. I am happy to sit by and watch the garden grow. I am a mom, I have things to do, I have kids to care for and teach, a tax bill to pay to ensure our home stays ours. I have a man in my life to attend to in loving ways as I can.
Sure, I have aspirations of future house on land, somewhere in the back of my head... but rite now is the present, and I really would like to live it with ease and grace. I want clothes that fit and look easy, and I want my kids to have the same. I would like to take a building trades class, so I can do the work needed on this house (i never feel confident to do any form of carpentry).
But, now, I just want to be for a while.
Brain dump accomplished for a bit.

Connection

In these last weeks of winter I see that I have fallen into routine over the past 6 months. Wake up do the things I do for morning, get in the van and go to a place that exchanges me being there for money. I do things that aren't purposeful to my own living all day in a box, and I notice it hinders my creativity overall. I am not driven to be in the universal flow, not striving to bring change and light. I am in routine only. 

Spring will change this. A studio will move me into better connection with the multiverse. 

So much

I am so much more at ease- I found a new couple of jobs to replace the 9-5 I've been at since October. Daily work place yuck was starting to affect my daily home life in really negative ways. I am feeling so much more at ease these evenings. Ahhh.  I will put in my 2 weeks notice come Friday and start the second job in a couple weeks. As it is, I work part time at Misty Meadows, where I apprenticed years ago. I am grateful for the new things happening in life. <3