Im listening to a beautiful classical station from Venice. I wonder what beautiful things are in this big, big world. I listen to David's stories of Gaudi and Spain and I wonder what it must be like, to travel to far places, to expand horizons beyond the eastern coast of this completely blind country of free, brave and lazy. I read Scott's accounts of Scotland and wonder what it must be like, dreaming of castles.
I dream of my library, of home with cottage gardens, of family and tradition. I day dream of Holidays and Busy days, of grocering and gardening. i dont want a life of novelty, i want to experience and feel all of these beautiful things, not to do them just to say i have.
I got 2 job offers today- one at Hannaford, cashiering, which i have wanted fro a while, and one at a local Pizza place owned by Greeks. Hannaford seems so much the better for me, meeting people, making friends, air conditioning, reliability. the pizza place will be hot, and i am afraid of the owner, she intimidates me. The pizza place wants someone LONG term, and i cant see myself staying that long. *sigh* Im going to talk to Hannaford's tomorrow and probably take it. I want to work for Hannaford.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
summers warmth
Finally, a warm summer day.... the plants are going to be so happy :)
Got the website done, with help 0f Guggs the Great, of course. Been working with "karate-chop Dave" as Moo calls him, on the business. Never knew he was so keen on this stuff- but you know me, i think everyone is a moron until they show me otherwise. wow, thats an ugly thing to say.
no job yet, still searching. Have been doing side work though. Shippped three orders out since yesterday morning- woot!
Maggs isnt is school yet, looked at Farmington Daycare, but Little Blessings has spoiled me so much that i am always hesitant. Hopeing for a Job in Portsmouth, that way she can just go back there. :)
the gardens are doing fine, not dead, and the corn is getting big.
wow, i have not much to say, just waiting. patience grasshopper.
sproing!
Got the website done, with help 0f Guggs the Great, of course. Been working with "karate-chop Dave" as Moo calls him, on the business. Never knew he was so keen on this stuff- but you know me, i think everyone is a moron until they show me otherwise. wow, thats an ugly thing to say.
no job yet, still searching. Have been doing side work though. Shippped three orders out since yesterday morning- woot!
Maggs isnt is school yet, looked at Farmington Daycare, but Little Blessings has spoiled me so much that i am always hesitant. Hopeing for a Job in Portsmouth, that way she can just go back there. :)
the gardens are doing fine, not dead, and the corn is getting big.
wow, i have not much to say, just waiting. patience grasshopper.
sproing!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
This Cool Summer.
I am always asked about Life- whats new, Hows it going.. whatcha' been up to? So, i guess that means i need to update- much easier to write it all down, rather than re-write it all constantly. First off, Still living in Farmington with Steven, and yes, still loving it. What a Blessing. I've slowed down enough to get back into the natural rhythm of things, i can see again. I can breathe and feel, i am One with all that Is. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Still no full-time, gainful financial employment, but i have no stress about it. I have come to know that what i contribute to the household is enough, as long as i continue to search for that outside income. (Altho i probably make most of the mess i clean, and such).
The website is done, it is being edited this weekend, then will be ready for the open date. WOOT! 44 products listed, all made by me- Bring on the orders! I am working with a Friend on Business Development for SMS, which is super helpful. Nothing is happening rite now, we're in sort-out phase, but will be moving ground soon. Nothing ever happens fast enough for my liking, but meh- im glad for the mentor ship. (I want the goose that lays the Golden Egg, and I want it NOW)
May be going to go look at a car soon, been driving Steven's Silverado. Sold the Blazer to go to H-e-double hockey sticks, so came home without a vehicle.
Speaking of coming home- how nice. Still. I am so loving having the friends i do in this little place- 4 houses, 4 families, all with kids, all friendly. The moms are like a little association by themselves. Its so nice to have other Women to talk to. Lisa came to hang with me this morning, so super awesome, and I hang with Trav and Brandy often. I think i am in love with their little baby girl, she and I are Buddies. i love being comfortable enough with these ppl to just be invited to sit and talk, and that they are comfortable enough to just come to my house, too. (ok, Steven's, but he says its ours... :) Steven is my Uncle, BTW ).
Maggs has amazing friends to play with, and im not scared to let her go out to the common area alone, or into any of the friend's houses. We all share a common way of raising our children- which is SO wonderful, we are non-violent and respectful and gentle in our ways. We are a bunch of Hippies, altho travis would kick my butt if i told HIM that (so much for non-violence, eh?) well, all in all we are doing really good. Stress level is null an void, I have a massive comparison point via the Indiana trek, so.. not even He-Whom-Shall-Remain-Nameless can harm me anymore. haha.. not Voldemort, silly. Yup, im not even afraid of him anymore. Indiana really did the trick- it was like- "Here- have a dose of contrast- as big and heavy as a ton of bricks, and ill throw in humility and comparison and a jump start on Gratitude for you as well!!) dang. Thanks, but can we not do that again. Ike asks if i think i will remember it- I will never forget. I will always MAKE myself remember. Always.
Nothing will ever be taken for granted again. between that and the Nameless One, life kind of got Solid Definition... which is good.
I can honestly, for the first time in my life- say with full conviction- I know what I want.
And that is good.
Love, Dawn
Still no full-time, gainful financial employment, but i have no stress about it. I have come to know that what i contribute to the household is enough, as long as i continue to search for that outside income. (Altho i probably make most of the mess i clean, and such).
The website is done, it is being edited this weekend, then will be ready for the open date. WOOT! 44 products listed, all made by me- Bring on the orders! I am working with a Friend on Business Development for SMS, which is super helpful. Nothing is happening rite now, we're in sort-out phase, but will be moving ground soon. Nothing ever happens fast enough for my liking, but meh- im glad for the mentor ship. (I want the goose that lays the Golden Egg, and I want it NOW)
May be going to go look at a car soon, been driving Steven's Silverado. Sold the Blazer to go to H-e-double hockey sticks, so came home without a vehicle.
Speaking of coming home- how nice. Still. I am so loving having the friends i do in this little place- 4 houses, 4 families, all with kids, all friendly. The moms are like a little association by themselves. Its so nice to have other Women to talk to. Lisa came to hang with me this morning, so super awesome, and I hang with Trav and Brandy often. I think i am in love with their little baby girl, she and I are Buddies. i love being comfortable enough with these ppl to just be invited to sit and talk, and that they are comfortable enough to just come to my house, too. (ok, Steven's, but he says its ours... :) Steven is my Uncle, BTW ).
Maggs has amazing friends to play with, and im not scared to let her go out to the common area alone, or into any of the friend's houses. We all share a common way of raising our children- which is SO wonderful, we are non-violent and respectful and gentle in our ways. We are a bunch of Hippies, altho travis would kick my butt if i told HIM that (so much for non-violence, eh?) well, all in all we are doing really good. Stress level is null an void, I have a massive comparison point via the Indiana trek, so.. not even He-Whom-Shall-Remain-Nameless can harm me anymore. haha.. not Voldemort, silly. Yup, im not even afraid of him anymore. Indiana really did the trick- it was like- "Here- have a dose of contrast- as big and heavy as a ton of bricks, and ill throw in humility and comparison and a jump start on Gratitude for you as well!!) dang. Thanks, but can we not do that again. Ike asks if i think i will remember it- I will never forget. I will always MAKE myself remember. Always.
Nothing will ever be taken for granted again. between that and the Nameless One, life kind of got Solid Definition... which is good.
I can honestly, for the first time in my life- say with full conviction- I know what I want.
And that is good.
Love, Dawn
Friday, July 10, 2009
Turn a corner, stand in the Sun.
So, to change the static energy of this blog form the past, i have decided to rename it and push it into a new direction. I would love to just delete the whole damn thing and forget it ever happened - BUT. And this is a positive- IF i do that, i wont remember, because as much as i want to forget, i need to remember. If i ever start to take what i have here for granted, i have vowed to re-read these early postings and remember what i went through, and hopefully i will access the emotion with the experience. That way, i will never forget how truly blessed and lucky i am to have the people in my life that i do. I really do have all the opportunity and love in the world, and i never want to forget that. So... i keep the earlier postings.
Now, onto the now-ness of life.
AHHHHH... so good. We are Home. We are back in New Hampshire. I have been working on the new website and it is coming along wonderfully. I have so much perspective from past events, i am taking nothing for granted, no excuses, no slacking. I am lucky, loved and gifted. And i know this :). Do what you love- no better time. So. The weather has been amazing, Life is good, and I am blissful.
And Oh, So Grateful. More to come :)
Now, onto the now-ness of life.
AHHHHH... so good. We are Home. We are back in New Hampshire. I have been working on the new website and it is coming along wonderfully. I have so much perspective from past events, i am taking nothing for granted, no excuses, no slacking. I am lucky, loved and gifted. And i know this :). Do what you love- no better time. So. The weather has been amazing, Life is good, and I am blissful.
And Oh, So Grateful. More to come :)
Friday, June 26, 2009
OK.. so first update since coming home from Hell. You know, i went through the whole disappointment phase while i was in Indiana, being home is now full of happiness and relief and gratefulness. I am so happy to be home.
I know that a lot of ppl dont know what happened- so i will summarise.
We got to Indiana. It was fine for the first 4 days or so... and then my "mom" started acting weird.. i thought maybe she was upset that my dad was going back to his job on the road.. he left 2 days later. Then it all went to hell. Katherine was mean, all the time- condescending about everything i said, made fun of me and was harsh once with Maggs and made her cry. (my kid knows whats UP!) Anyways, by week 3 I was scared every morning to go out and find out what mood she was in, to walk around that corner and see what kind of freakish day we would have. See, she wasn't physically abusive.. at all.. I pick up on Vibes, if you will. i FEEL everything.. and when i mean feel, i mean F-E-E-L. Things can knock me on my ass by the way i pick up on the vibration of them.. or they can have me soaring depending on their frequency. I have learned through the pat-ordeal how to control me reactions, so i am not ONLY reacting to what is around me, i can control it.. but this- this was HORRID. It was like reliving the wretched child hood moments all the time. I was waking up each morning obsessing about what that day would bring.. i could feel her through the wall that connected the store and my kitchen. Here's how it went- if you waled up to the store's door, and she ignored you, you were fucked for the day- there were only 2 days where that didn't happen after the first 4 i was there. I was in tears the last week and a half i was there every day. She was ugly no matter what you said. I did confront her 2 times previous to the last big day we spoke. I tried to talk to her about how she was treating me, she said- 'dont take it personally... everything is wrong'. I now know that was maybe true, and i really tried to practice the art of allowing, but it just got worse and worse and worse.. i was living in my own worst nightmare, my own hell. It was SO intense, and so eye opening.
End result was the last day i confronted her- the 19th? maybe 18th of June... i got blamed for my dad going into the hospital (2 weeks after i had seen him??!) i was told that Maggie is the boss of me, that i parent wrong, that i should have known all of the things i was supposed to do around there- because i had been there a month.. all these fucked up crazy details that i would rather not re-live. But, I knew she was all fucked up when she blamed me for my dad going into the hospital- He has copd, and heart problems,a dn they gave him the wrong meds ..... THAT is why he was in the ICU.. i was in Indiana and he is in Maryland. (sp?).
Long and Short of all this - My dad left when i was 4, I called him the night she shut off my phone (which was on a family plan for the last 3 years) because i was so scared, (she shut it off after our' discussion??' so i couldn't tell my dad what was going on) and he completely blew me off- i was hysterical and scared for Maggs and I. I was scared she was going to lock us out of our house liie she did the guy in the front house that rented from her... and what did he say?? "BULLSHIT", as though i was lying. END OF GAME. As far as i am concerned, the man never re-appeared when i was 18. He left at age 4, and thats it.. done.
SO, my Saint and Saviour Isaac W. Hanson Pulled me and Maggs from the wreckage, and we were home, safe and sound- I am eternally indebted and grateful to Isaac for what he has done. He, as he always has, held out his hand, picked us up, and brought us home. He truly is the best of the best. I really dont know where I would be without him.. and i dont want to know.
Out of all of this, i have left many gory details.. and they dont matter.
What matters is this- I know who loves me, I know where I belong, I know whats good for Maggie, and I have learned so much appreciation... For my Home, For this place, For my Family and Friends, and after last night's nightmare, even more for Isaac. I am grateful for the opportunities i have here in New Hampshire to grow, learn, be, do, expand... I am grateful for my wonderful friends, for my loving family, for home. I am grateful for coffee shops, peoples mindsets, and the true safety of this place as a whole.
Heh- dealing with Pat is NOTHING compared to what i saw in Indiana- piece of cake ;) Literally.
yay. :D Love and Light... and gratitude beyond measure....Dawnie
I know that a lot of ppl dont know what happened- so i will summarise.
We got to Indiana. It was fine for the first 4 days or so... and then my "mom" started acting weird.. i thought maybe she was upset that my dad was going back to his job on the road.. he left 2 days later. Then it all went to hell. Katherine was mean, all the time- condescending about everything i said, made fun of me and was harsh once with Maggs and made her cry. (my kid knows whats UP!) Anyways, by week 3 I was scared every morning to go out and find out what mood she was in, to walk around that corner and see what kind of freakish day we would have. See, she wasn't physically abusive.. at all.. I pick up on Vibes, if you will. i FEEL everything.. and when i mean feel, i mean F-E-E-L. Things can knock me on my ass by the way i pick up on the vibration of them.. or they can have me soaring depending on their frequency. I have learned through the pat-ordeal how to control me reactions, so i am not ONLY reacting to what is around me, i can control it.. but this- this was HORRID. It was like reliving the wretched child hood moments all the time. I was waking up each morning obsessing about what that day would bring.. i could feel her through the wall that connected the store and my kitchen. Here's how it went- if you waled up to the store's door, and she ignored you, you were fucked for the day- there were only 2 days where that didn't happen after the first 4 i was there. I was in tears the last week and a half i was there every day. She was ugly no matter what you said. I did confront her 2 times previous to the last big day we spoke. I tried to talk to her about how she was treating me, she said- 'dont take it personally... everything is wrong'. I now know that was maybe true, and i really tried to practice the art of allowing, but it just got worse and worse and worse.. i was living in my own worst nightmare, my own hell. It was SO intense, and so eye opening.
End result was the last day i confronted her- the 19th? maybe 18th of June... i got blamed for my dad going into the hospital (2 weeks after i had seen him??!) i was told that Maggie is the boss of me, that i parent wrong, that i should have known all of the things i was supposed to do around there- because i had been there a month.. all these fucked up crazy details that i would rather not re-live. But, I knew she was all fucked up when she blamed me for my dad going into the hospital- He has copd, and heart problems,a dn they gave him the wrong meds ..... THAT is why he was in the ICU.. i was in Indiana and he is in Maryland. (sp?).
Long and Short of all this - My dad left when i was 4, I called him the night she shut off my phone (which was on a family plan for the last 3 years) because i was so scared, (she shut it off after our' discussion??' so i couldn't tell my dad what was going on) and he completely blew me off- i was hysterical and scared for Maggs and I. I was scared she was going to lock us out of our house liie she did the guy in the front house that rented from her... and what did he say?? "BULLSHIT", as though i was lying. END OF GAME. As far as i am concerned, the man never re-appeared when i was 18. He left at age 4, and thats it.. done.
SO, my Saint and Saviour Isaac W. Hanson Pulled me and Maggs from the wreckage, and we were home, safe and sound- I am eternally indebted and grateful to Isaac for what he has done. He, as he always has, held out his hand, picked us up, and brought us home. He truly is the best of the best. I really dont know where I would be without him.. and i dont want to know.
Out of all of this, i have left many gory details.. and they dont matter.
What matters is this- I know who loves me, I know where I belong, I know whats good for Maggie, and I have learned so much appreciation... For my Home, For this place, For my Family and Friends, and after last night's nightmare, even more for Isaac. I am grateful for the opportunities i have here in New Hampshire to grow, learn, be, do, expand... I am grateful for my wonderful friends, for my loving family, for home. I am grateful for coffee shops, peoples mindsets, and the true safety of this place as a whole.
Heh- dealing with Pat is NOTHING compared to what i saw in Indiana- piece of cake ;) Literally.
yay. :D Love and Light... and gratitude beyond measure....Dawnie
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
New ways
Oh boy.. Today was the worst yet. I got confronted about talking to my dad about the situation with my "mom". It turned into a really bad, bad argument. I was basically slapped in the face and told that if i didnt like the way she is acting, to leave. Ok. Gone. I was blamed for my father going into the ICU, (which had nothing to do with me- it was 2 weeks after he left here and they gave him the wrong meds..) I have been told that i dont parent right, That my whole life is playing (wait.. what?), That i dont DO anything, and that i hav e ignored everything she had said. She let me know that i asked to help too late- (huh??), and is making me out to be such a horrid person to anyone who will listen. Its quite absurd, really. ok, its down rite dumb.
Well.. ok. So now what?
Now Maggs and I go back to our support system, and now I know. I know what i needed to know about my "mom and dad", and i know who my true friends and family are. I know what is important, and i know about my potential. I know where Maggs has it good for her.
Anyways.. ive talked to all the Family, and Isaac.. and i am once again shown the power of true love from real family.
More to come....
Well.. ok. So now what?
Now Maggs and I go back to our support system, and now I know. I know what i needed to know about my "mom and dad", and i know who my true friends and family are. I know what is important, and i know about my potential. I know where Maggs has it good for her.
Anyways.. ive talked to all the Family, and Isaac.. and i am once again shown the power of true love from real family.
More to come....
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
cool wind
*sigh* things have been pretty good the past few days.. much to my relief.
On SUnday i was SO frustrated, my computer wouldnt work- i was ready to cry.. and i just may have :). Maggs and I went to do laundry, and then i got fed up, and decided we were going to go for a drive- and that started a turn of good. We went throught Bedford up to Bloomington and into Nashville, down through Freetown and back home- it took from noon till about 8 or 9 p.m. And, let me say Bloomington is super cool, and Nashville is SO beautiful. Indiana University is in Bloomington, so there are a bunch of people, things to do, and schools. Unity is there, and it is alive, yet nice. Nashville is a cross between Ruidoso and Jerome!! Its an artist community in rolling hills of forest and valleys of farmlands... there are old barns and amazing plants. What a breath of fresh air, the drive was so nice, and it was again on Monday!! We went up and i applied at Barnes & Noble and a massive Greenhouse/Landscape company. If i do stay here, i will most likely move up to Bloomington.. it is such a nice place. After doing research it seems like a perfect place for Maggs and I.
My mother was actually PLEASENT today.. i wonder if it was all the stress of the grand opening and such.. boy do i hope so, iso hate to give up so soon. I stood outside and listened to stories about Medora from her and the local historian Joe. Now, dont get me wrong.. she wasnt loving, just nice... she made conversation about the town.. not really about anything personal. But, not mean. *whew* thank you God.
My herb supply came in yesterday:D this is me happy.. the smell of the box sitting open on the floor is wonderful ! i will be able to make more teas and work on the site- ive been reading a book called "Tribes" by Seth Godin, and it is so up to my way of doing things, my style.. see, yet another thing i have done forever, and only NOW someone else is writing about it.. maybe i shoulda' written books about the crazy way i do things.. it all started with college algebra when Rachel shouted out- "This is how Dawn has always done Math!! NOW i get it!!" as the teacher was teaching a "new" way to group numbers.. hmmmmm...;)
heh.
Anywhooo...... people love a good story, no?
so. We shall see.
I have been sleeping a little later than usual, so i can dream.. and it is good. Maggs is doing well, We have had a happy past few days- we went to the lake yesterday while we were up in Bloomington... it was wonderful. tonight's weather is beautifully cloudy- the low storm clouds with all shades of black and grey... a cool breeze and such a good feel to it. *sigh* Its a good night.
And Mr. Wonderful Sean Lane Helped me fix my MAC today...FROM New Hampshire... what a godsend he is, always. He has never failed me nor let me down.. which is why he is my Champion. From nights staying up until 4 a.m. to console me and make sure i was safe to helping me with my MAC from 1,200 Miles away- i wish everyone a friend like him.
I am so blessed to have the friends i do... i want to thank them all, especially rite now, Alyssa Richey who keeps ordering from me. It keeps me going... what a blessing all of my friends are.. for all of their wonderful reasons. Thank you.
On SUnday i was SO frustrated, my computer wouldnt work- i was ready to cry.. and i just may have :). Maggs and I went to do laundry, and then i got fed up, and decided we were going to go for a drive- and that started a turn of good. We went throught Bedford up to Bloomington and into Nashville, down through Freetown and back home- it took from noon till about 8 or 9 p.m. And, let me say Bloomington is super cool, and Nashville is SO beautiful. Indiana University is in Bloomington, so there are a bunch of people, things to do, and schools. Unity is there, and it is alive, yet nice. Nashville is a cross between Ruidoso and Jerome!! Its an artist community in rolling hills of forest and valleys of farmlands... there are old barns and amazing plants. What a breath of fresh air, the drive was so nice, and it was again on Monday!! We went up and i applied at Barnes & Noble and a massive Greenhouse/Landscape company. If i do stay here, i will most likely move up to Bloomington.. it is such a nice place. After doing research it seems like a perfect place for Maggs and I.
My mother was actually PLEASENT today.. i wonder if it was all the stress of the grand opening and such.. boy do i hope so, iso hate to give up so soon. I stood outside and listened to stories about Medora from her and the local historian Joe. Now, dont get me wrong.. she wasnt loving, just nice... she made conversation about the town.. not really about anything personal. But, not mean. *whew* thank you God.
My herb supply came in yesterday:D this is me happy.. the smell of the box sitting open on the floor is wonderful ! i will be able to make more teas and work on the site- ive been reading a book called "Tribes" by Seth Godin, and it is so up to my way of doing things, my style.. see, yet another thing i have done forever, and only NOW someone else is writing about it.. maybe i shoulda' written books about the crazy way i do things.. it all started with college algebra when Rachel shouted out- "This is how Dawn has always done Math!! NOW i get it!!" as the teacher was teaching a "new" way to group numbers.. hmmmmm...;)
heh.
Anywhooo...... people love a good story, no?
so. We shall see.
I have been sleeping a little later than usual, so i can dream.. and it is good. Maggs is doing well, We have had a happy past few days- we went to the lake yesterday while we were up in Bloomington... it was wonderful. tonight's weather is beautifully cloudy- the low storm clouds with all shades of black and grey... a cool breeze and such a good feel to it. *sigh* Its a good night.
And Mr. Wonderful Sean Lane Helped me fix my MAC today...FROM New Hampshire... what a godsend he is, always. He has never failed me nor let me down.. which is why he is my Champion. From nights staying up until 4 a.m. to console me and make sure i was safe to helping me with my MAC from 1,200 Miles away- i wish everyone a friend like him.
I am so blessed to have the friends i do... i want to thank them all, especially rite now, Alyssa Richey who keeps ordering from me. It keeps me going... what a blessing all of my friends are.. for all of their wonderful reasons. Thank you.
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