Well, so lots is going on, and i am releasing the little whisp of fear/resentment that has settled into my chest in the last few minutes.
But, Lets start with one BEAUTIFUL thing. I get my house back. I know, its not a house, and it never left, but i am so excited to be having it all back to me and Maggie only. It's not because of anything bad, it's actually the opposite. I asked my Bf to move out. HAha! Usually thats really bad thing, but this was for good reason- so we DIDNT get torn apart. It was soooo stressful for me with all 4 of us in the house and no change in sight. Maggie was affected, we all have been, and now- in 8 days, we will all be able to breathe! Michael can play his games, wear his shoes in the house, have a fan full bore and his food and fridge back to his way. I will have clean floors, organized bathroom adn bedroom back to normal. Maggie willhave her bedroom all spiffed up and Girly and Useful. Sky will have a bedroom, an at room, and her snake back. OH! and Coco can come home. AND we can have our thin tree at Holiday, and put our Dining table back in the house.. and I can cook again! As can Mike in his new house. *SIGH* so excited. There is something to be said for the mystery of absence in a relationship on a healthy level. We are both very individual people, and we have kind of been smothered in this combining of households. He probably wont realize the Awesomeness of it all until he sighs a sigh of relief in his OWN Space.
This light-at-the-end of the tunnel has given me such renewed happiness. I cant WAIT for the next week to go by!!
Holidays are coming up and I am so excited to be able to decorate and have it be beautifully mine and maggie's way!
then the fear based silliness i had- I have let it go because i know that it does me no good to bother with even thinking about it. Whats sad is that someone who i thought i was good friends with has turned out to be not as good as i thought because she is so based in her own fear that it makes he do dishonest things. Its sad really. I guess its all ok, and whatever, because it really doesnt affect me, unless it does, and then i will actually have to DO something about it. *sigh* which i dont want to do. But, hey- her own life will be what she makes it. I wish her all the best, I know i can be tough to handle at times, but - i am human, and well.. meh. just because i can get ugly about life, too, doesnt mean i hate anyone. (well, yes i do.. but those are evil ppl who.. ew.)
Anyways. Autumn Season has stolen my heart so hugely. I am so happy in love with this season. I am blessed and Joyfully enamoured.
yea.. so <3 SIGH. Beautiful Beautiful Happy Joy. And it's just now starting!! SO Much more to come! Yehaw! XOXO

ah.

This is me sighing relief. Gratitude for good things.

so this

...is what disappointment feels like. *sigh* i thought i had it rite. I feel like i dont. maybe i'm, just really tired.
i wish i could see clearly.

... is not something to be rebelled against. I'm too old for bullshit. Guess I'm too independent for some things. And that's ok.
no matter how much it irritates me the way people act.. it's not mine. so.

Rainy Tuesday

And I am sitting in the shop. It's not open. I am working on Center. Started the day running.. up, child, ready, school, home, boy, laundry... *sigh* now i am in the shop and it is not as quiet in my head as i want. so.
Center. Quiet.
so much in the brain... and its needing to flow away...

Autumn

This day reminds me of beautiful things that i work towards and why i do so. Home. Fire in the wood stove. Coffee, Birds, Gardens. Sweaters. The Life I love, that I hold so dear, that i work to have and keep.
Now.. wheres that house?

So now theres this..

So, we have had a lot happen lately. Mainly I went through my first ever Grief. Nothing has ever really bothered me before about death, because I understand so much about ..life? energy.
But Shane Killed me along with him for days. I went Numb. I didnt know I was numb. I didnt know I didnt know..
He was a challenge to me, yes. But did he deserve his pain? No. Not at all. Ever. So, In the injustice.. I grieved. I have never done that before. I loved him, even if I didnt like how he acted. And it made me sad that he was so alone. Had I known..
Anyways. Aside from that. Life is better coming out the other side. You know, they say Jeses Christ died to save us. I think Shane did. With the mourning came a release for me that I so very needed... I was ready to give up myself. I was too tired to do all the things I was trying to do. I would not have ended my life, but I very well could have been self-destructive and given up a lot of things I have worked very hard on. So, in that release, I am grateful to him for taking that heavy load with him, for me.
Michael has been sick. We think It's Lyme Disease. (Dis-Ease) but of course we cannot have it tested, the tests are usually inconclusive and cost a lot. So, he is on AntiBiotics and Teasel Root. He hurts all the time which is kind of scary. I feel bad for him. I am an herbalist, rite? shouldnt I be doing something about this? well... yea. Im not that kind of herbalist I guess. Or something....
The moon is beautiful tonight, the air is cool and sweet. I took a walk in the forest with the Dog tonight and brought home a Cottonwood branch. The most amazing scent... My bedroom smells like it. There is the faint scent of outdoor fires in the air, and it is cool enough for a sweat shirt. I Love this weather. Absolutely Love it. Sean Lane Hates it.
Maggie has gone to 1st grade, its good for her, she gets tired thought. And I think she can read more than she lets on.... I catch her reading random stuff out loud and I'm like- whaaaa? interesting. She is becoming a separate entity from me. It makes me feel strange.. like I'm not spending enough energy on her, but I know she is only growing and becoming herself.. not so much me. Not so much mimicking.
I love that I can see the moon from where I sit.
I love the Night Air.
I love that the horrid man upstairs is leaving me alone.
I love that I had customers today in the Shop. :) That one is a big one.
I love that Michael is so patient and Loving to me.. He is so good for my soul. Even though he does a few things that bother me, over all hes such a good mate to have.
I am beginning to miss Cable TV.. haha.. we are going to need it for the winter. I feel certain about this- common shop- produce tons of income for me!!
Well.. all in all life is pretty damn good, providing the dog doesnt eat any more of my shoes. Dan thing, sweet as hell, Stupid puppy.
yea.. ok.