Fucking stress sucks. Goddamn Website, Fucking money with the shop, People depending on me.. Its so much to handle. Like, how much can I do? where is my limits? Am i really finally reaching them?
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?
I need some guidance.

and then there are those days...

Where you miss something that you said you wanted gone. Familiarity is a bitch. Holidays are so hard, every year. It was at this time, 5 years ago he told me he didnt want this life, this child... me. My heart breaks every year, i cover it up. i cry for the things he could have been, the things i see him now do that i asked, begged, pleaded for. I cry to wonder why me- why did he hate me, why did he love me so- all in one sob. and i cry to wonder why it's always still there. every year. The first year, i had to have thanksgiving dinner at my own home in order to keep my self together- just stay busy. just keep busy so you dont have to think about your shattered life, about someone who doesnt want you so very much that he is willing to kill himself to escape. Hide from the pain of this person who refuses to love you enough to pull himself together and live a beautiful life with you and this amazing Light-Being-Child.
i know, through all of my teachings and self-experience it has nothing to do with the other person, its all within self. It is all an outward expression of what we have held tightly within, but it all reflected to me, all pushed ugly buttons in my soul.. so bad.
i see such a beautiful light in him, i always have -always. I hate him so much for wasting his talent, for not being fully aware, for not doing the things i KNOW he is so beautifully capable of. The damn guy could build a world with his bare hands, and hold it in his palm if he would JUST focus his energy there.
And it looks like he is, now.... and it kills so much to see what he told me he could and would do for me, .. for someone else. He is one of the most Brilliant people I have ever met. Most Brilliant.. he shines so brightly...
But I will never be clean enough, and I will never be un-hurt enough, and i dont know that i could ever heal enough to try to walk those steps again.
So, this time of year, I cry... until i am numb enough not to. Every year.. now 5 years.
At least this year we are not fighting or in court...

Well, so lots is going on, and i am releasing the little whisp of fear/resentment that has settled into my chest in the last few minutes.
But, Lets start with one BEAUTIFUL thing. I get my house back. I know, its not a house, and it never left, but i am so excited to be having it all back to me and Maggie only. It's not because of anything bad, it's actually the opposite. I asked my Bf to move out. HAha! Usually thats really bad thing, but this was for good reason- so we DIDNT get torn apart. It was soooo stressful for me with all 4 of us in the house and no change in sight. Maggie was affected, we all have been, and now- in 8 days, we will all be able to breathe! Michael can play his games, wear his shoes in the house, have a fan full bore and his food and fridge back to his way. I will have clean floors, organized bathroom adn bedroom back to normal. Maggie willhave her bedroom all spiffed up and Girly and Useful. Sky will have a bedroom, an at room, and her snake back. OH! and Coco can come home. AND we can have our thin tree at Holiday, and put our Dining table back in the house.. and I can cook again! As can Mike in his new house. *SIGH* so excited. There is something to be said for the mystery of absence in a relationship on a healthy level. We are both very individual people, and we have kind of been smothered in this combining of households. He probably wont realize the Awesomeness of it all until he sighs a sigh of relief in his OWN Space.
This light-at-the-end of the tunnel has given me such renewed happiness. I cant WAIT for the next week to go by!!
Holidays are coming up and I am so excited to be able to decorate and have it be beautifully mine and maggie's way!
then the fear based silliness i had- I have let it go because i know that it does me no good to bother with even thinking about it. Whats sad is that someone who i thought i was good friends with has turned out to be not as good as i thought because she is so based in her own fear that it makes he do dishonest things. Its sad really. I guess its all ok, and whatever, because it really doesnt affect me, unless it does, and then i will actually have to DO something about it. *sigh* which i dont want to do. But, hey- her own life will be what she makes it. I wish her all the best, I know i can be tough to handle at times, but - i am human, and well.. meh. just because i can get ugly about life, too, doesnt mean i hate anyone. (well, yes i do.. but those are evil ppl who.. ew.)
Anyways. Autumn Season has stolen my heart so hugely. I am so happy in love with this season. I am blessed and Joyfully enamoured.
yea.. so <3 SIGH. Beautiful Beautiful Happy Joy. And it's just now starting!! SO Much more to come! Yehaw! XOXO

ah.

This is me sighing relief. Gratitude for good things.

so this

...is what disappointment feels like. *sigh* i thought i had it rite. I feel like i dont. maybe i'm, just really tired.
i wish i could see clearly.

... is not something to be rebelled against. I'm too old for bullshit. Guess I'm too independent for some things. And that's ok.
no matter how much it irritates me the way people act.. it's not mine. so.

Rainy Tuesday

And I am sitting in the shop. It's not open. I am working on Center. Started the day running.. up, child, ready, school, home, boy, laundry... *sigh* now i am in the shop and it is not as quiet in my head as i want. so.
Center. Quiet.
so much in the brain... and its needing to flow away...