WildChild of caliche and scrub

so, here i am .. warm bed, days one running to the next..
And in this a break. A remembrance.
I am relieved to be having calm sleep for the first time in a many years. I have been taking flower essences. They are helping - a lot.
I have found someone in this world that I understand, once again. Someone who speaks the language of my soul.. a communication i can hear and understand. Elven language of bear and fish....A new teacher/mentor and for that I am so glad. When the connection is there, it's almost as Borg.. assimilation but for all of the amazingly WildChild reasons. The soul soars.. the core flames. Wind and Moonrise remembered. I am glad.. and reach in dreamstate for moments clear and untame. For memories of Cottonwoods and Sunset-Wake Thunderstorms.
'..Life flows in never ending circles within circles within spirals.... with each soul trailing a thread, we can only see the piece of tapestry, we ourselves weave..
Let your thread dance and spin.'
Beautiful days of shining white walls as constant horizon called. Sun dips behind sheltering mountain and land-kissing-sky blushes. blushes... blushes... fades to blue.. purple...black....
Is anyone out there? Stars sing crisp songs to me as into the black I drive.
These days connections return. Soul again longs to ask - longs to connect - longs. Memories, Wishes, Wants that turned to Sharpness of hurt and lost road maps. Times of Wearing the Inside out. Beautiful Soul, Beautiful Things.
My body is changing, returning to a beautiful, dry dusty stage of sun bleached bones and heat scorched earth. Long, Lanky Limbs of graceful Power. 'Use Power or Power will Use you.'
WildChild of caliche and scrub. Black and Rust Trailings and Slag. Winding clear Shallow Waters and High Cliff Dwelling Echoes left for time. Coming back to life, a soul trapped in mundane city paper carbon unit masses. Connecting to the rhythms of cycle and movement around her gray and green soul turned pink and teal. Memories of snakegrass and mesquite replaced with lady slipper and skunk cabbage's engulfing green.
These dreams of here and now.... the stark realization of Little Miss approaching 7.... How does that make me? No matter.. no matter... ageless in this Wildness.... WildChild.

there are nights i shouldn't sit up and feel. this is probably one of those nights.. i remember it well.. sitting, staring out the window at the horizon, wanting to drive so badly.. wanting to be part of the ether.. missing the dry wind, the faces... lost, lost lost.. staring...
the soul's pull in this album...
Loved my Brother so much, would never leave his side.. my Leto to his Ghannima.. two souls opening to the Universe, becoming what no one could understand, and here we stand.
We walked hand in hand, naked in a new world, a brand new land, clean and scared... we did the best we could, finding soul-ace in one another. Curled up to sleep, always in comfort.
Now, so many life times away, so many events and miles.. my heart aches for those times, that newness and that dependency. The trust. That room, that chapter.
We tried, didnt we? We became, we grew, we moved on.. when we went back to the spot.. all things were different.. broken some how. The clean wonder & search and pull were lost.
But those afternoons.. those 4 p.m. window stares, when my soul became part of the horizon, for surely made me who i am, who i have been & who i will be. The wanderlust never subsided, just changed, just put into something that keeps me busy. The open skies call me, the clear water rushes my name, The dry wind whispers my soul... Skies aflame with love of the connection, rolling thunder echoes through my heart-center beckoning me to stand again, open, naked, & new - holding the hand of my pre-born soul's mate.
From this daydream i run, from these memories i hide.. they kill, they ache with their beauty.. they steal breath with their fullness of echoing wind... canyons, rivers, trees... desert skies, caleche dust, rock.
Me, and My Brother. In this search for meaning endless...

Fucking stress sucks. Goddamn Website, Fucking money with the shop, People depending on me.. Its so much to handle. Like, how much can I do? where is my limits? Am i really finally reaching them?
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?
I need some guidance.

and then there are those days...

Where you miss something that you said you wanted gone. Familiarity is a bitch. Holidays are so hard, every year. It was at this time, 5 years ago he told me he didnt want this life, this child... me. My heart breaks every year, i cover it up. i cry for the things he could have been, the things i see him now do that i asked, begged, pleaded for. I cry to wonder why me- why did he hate me, why did he love me so- all in one sob. and i cry to wonder why it's always still there. every year. The first year, i had to have thanksgiving dinner at my own home in order to keep my self together- just stay busy. just keep busy so you dont have to think about your shattered life, about someone who doesnt want you so very much that he is willing to kill himself to escape. Hide from the pain of this person who refuses to love you enough to pull himself together and live a beautiful life with you and this amazing Light-Being-Child.
i know, through all of my teachings and self-experience it has nothing to do with the other person, its all within self. It is all an outward expression of what we have held tightly within, but it all reflected to me, all pushed ugly buttons in my soul.. so bad.
i see such a beautiful light in him, i always have -always. I hate him so much for wasting his talent, for not being fully aware, for not doing the things i KNOW he is so beautifully capable of. The damn guy could build a world with his bare hands, and hold it in his palm if he would JUST focus his energy there.
And it looks like he is, now.... and it kills so much to see what he told me he could and would do for me, .. for someone else. He is one of the most Brilliant people I have ever met. Most Brilliant.. he shines so brightly...
But I will never be clean enough, and I will never be un-hurt enough, and i dont know that i could ever heal enough to try to walk those steps again.
So, this time of year, I cry... until i am numb enough not to. Every year.. now 5 years.
At least this year we are not fighting or in court...

Well, so lots is going on, and i am releasing the little whisp of fear/resentment that has settled into my chest in the last few minutes.
But, Lets start with one BEAUTIFUL thing. I get my house back. I know, its not a house, and it never left, but i am so excited to be having it all back to me and Maggie only. It's not because of anything bad, it's actually the opposite. I asked my Bf to move out. HAha! Usually thats really bad thing, but this was for good reason- so we DIDNT get torn apart. It was soooo stressful for me with all 4 of us in the house and no change in sight. Maggie was affected, we all have been, and now- in 8 days, we will all be able to breathe! Michael can play his games, wear his shoes in the house, have a fan full bore and his food and fridge back to his way. I will have clean floors, organized bathroom adn bedroom back to normal. Maggie willhave her bedroom all spiffed up and Girly and Useful. Sky will have a bedroom, an at room, and her snake back. OH! and Coco can come home. AND we can have our thin tree at Holiday, and put our Dining table back in the house.. and I can cook again! As can Mike in his new house. *SIGH* so excited. There is something to be said for the mystery of absence in a relationship on a healthy level. We are both very individual people, and we have kind of been smothered in this combining of households. He probably wont realize the Awesomeness of it all until he sighs a sigh of relief in his OWN Space.
This light-at-the-end of the tunnel has given me such renewed happiness. I cant WAIT for the next week to go by!!
Holidays are coming up and I am so excited to be able to decorate and have it be beautifully mine and maggie's way!
then the fear based silliness i had- I have let it go because i know that it does me no good to bother with even thinking about it. Whats sad is that someone who i thought i was good friends with has turned out to be not as good as i thought because she is so based in her own fear that it makes he do dishonest things. Its sad really. I guess its all ok, and whatever, because it really doesnt affect me, unless it does, and then i will actually have to DO something about it. *sigh* which i dont want to do. But, hey- her own life will be what she makes it. I wish her all the best, I know i can be tough to handle at times, but - i am human, and well.. meh. just because i can get ugly about life, too, doesnt mean i hate anyone. (well, yes i do.. but those are evil ppl who.. ew.)
Anyways. Autumn Season has stolen my heart so hugely. I am so happy in love with this season. I am blessed and Joyfully enamoured.
yea.. so <3 SIGH. Beautiful Beautiful Happy Joy. And it's just now starting!! SO Much more to come! Yehaw! XOXO

ah.

This is me sighing relief. Gratitude for good things.

so this

...is what disappointment feels like. *sigh* i thought i had it rite. I feel like i dont. maybe i'm, just really tired.
i wish i could see clearly.