I remember years ago when maggie was so small I would spend my days watching food network, fussing about my home through the day, making my house honey. Holidays were good. Summer was good. Today I sit on the couch, watchjng food network while I'm home from being sick last night. I look forward to those days again. Life sure does go in cycles.

Ziggy Marley save me...

Shine Bright!
Lift your head up!
Be strong!
These are only lessons!
Woman is Strength!

Keep Going!

...how?
these are lies. Lies perpetuated by people who have no idea what it is to be worn.

I have lived my whole life, being capable. Being a leader, being in the middle of the action.
I am worn.
I can no longer do these things.
I am not shining, I do not want to shine.
Fuck you.
I cannot lift my head up, because there is only anger and sadness in my eyes.
I am worn.
These are lessons only to the new comer. I am over this lesson bullshit. I don't have anything else to learn from these hardships.
IS this all there is for me? Why can I never have what I want for me?
Not any more. Not rite now.
Oh 'change your filter' .. easy when all there is to change is the tv channel.
I can reitterate  all day long my 'woes' but its pointless. I am tired. I am worn. I have never not had hope, and direction...
until now.
I cannot imagine what a difference could possibly be for me. I want to go off to a tropical beach away from all I know and just watch the tea water and sit in the sun. I want to breathe life back into my ragged chest.
This is the truest form of what depression is. And i will not 'seek help'.. because I am not a number, I am not a 'medication'. I do not have health insurance anyways. Wouldn't do me any good.
I live my life surrounded by the most broken people, day in and day out.
I know this is the problem, I know empathy has killed me. And is this a catalyst? Is this a turning point? These unhealthy people, this unhappy life.
I just can't feel into picking myself 'up by the bootstraps'...

Ziggy sings it best...

Hmm, gotcha. Well, you are beautiful and amazing and a sheperd of your people and you are strong and can do anything you put your mind to and a wonderful Mom and you are in touch with the universe and it will guide you wether you want it to or not and if all else fails you are loved and that can see you through.💜

Grateful for support from afar. 

Seasons

The more I learn about the world around me, the shit people do, the more disappointed I become. I know it's a perspective accordance, however, I wonder how it can be that people are so shitty. Seasons are changing and I'm having to look at my life. I don't want to. I want to remain in homeostasis just like everyone else.  It's easier. But it's not flow.
Sigh
The universe knows what it is doing. Feels like the truth of feast or famine now as time gets cooler.
Catalyst of soul.
'Give me something to sing about'

Innerfire....

So, I am thinking about creation. I am thinking about inspiration...
I am thinking about public eye and what it is about to be a person who creates for the public. I am thinking about the fact that I have little inspiration lately. I really dont want to bother with making things for others. I have very little need to prove myself, I dont have the same energy backing "this is why I do what I do". I really dont want to do anything for anyone... I kind of just want to paint. I kind of just want to hole myself up in my space against the world. I feel like I have nothing to give, Like i am an imposter. I feel like I put on a good show and thats about it, i create a personae. I want to run to the hills and lock myself away down a dirt road and just live. I want to fed the wood stove, stare out the window, watch the leaves and snow fall... I want to create a quiet life to regain my footing, because I truly have not gathered myself enough. I have always had an issue with doing too much for others, for living and molding myself into what others want because they need something. Now it's not one, but masses. I put on a show... I want groundedness... I want inspiration, I want to leave, I want to just live surrounded by good comfort.
When I look at the past year, I have had security, but not comfort, not ease. Not tradition and not truth, only comfort of security and some laughter. I have lived with constant irritation, and chose to ignore it--because it could be worse. I made the decision to be in this place, to help these children. I and coming to open my soul to see what is really going on. I am stifled, my flame is more of static than spark. I am not made of man made electricity, I am ember and smoulder of pitch and bark, of burl and leaves...
Breathe this open love this open light this clean air and move toward it...

Truth

Yep. It's very true. 

Interesting how life gets. Heh. 

Guess I'll be working with Maggie's school again. Farm to table. 

Most excellent.