I've been taking stock of interactions in my life. Reflection.

"You're no closer to what you wanted than you were over a year ago when we got here. But Dawnie does what Dawnie does and will keep chasing an Idea without any real plan."
He's correct.
Plan step one.

"Its amazing how little it can take to change our perspective..."
He, too is correct.  Cocked head gives new perspective.


"Think how great it would feel if Maggie came home asking for a keyboard and you said sure give me a couple weeks and we will get you one. That's all I want for you and Maggie to see you stable, happy and not broke. You can garden in a community garden wherever you live if theres not space."
She's rite too.

Step one. PlAn. Ground. Stabilize.
Grow.

Save

There are times where I sit and cry between tuns while I drive cab for 12+ hours. There are times where I just want to be comfortable and happy. Where sobbing to the ground feels like the only thing that would help. There are times I want someone else to do the hard stuff. Where I remember past people and wonder if they would have helped. But I know better.
There are times like today that start out beautifully and full of hope but end up with a lump in my throat hat I swallow barely down so I can interact with others. Days like today where I just want to curl up and be okay. Where I'm so lost and sad I don't know what to do. These days I wonder what it must be like for those people on pills who get to numb the pain away. Happy pills that are probably lies. I want someone to genuinely care. Someone to save me, I deserve it.

2017

This new year will see many changes and upkeep for me. I have decided to start this time with better feet forward. I have done so much in life, that I know I am so capable of anything. At this point in life, having learned all I have, I only have decisions.
I am so very grateful for my knowledge and experience in this lifetime, and I have, in a way spent the past year sliding by on my own way of being. I acknowledge that, and choose to come back to my standing joy, my open eyes and set joys for myself. I give myself permission to come past what I perceive as wasted time and energy and be at peace with my understanding gained in this time.
It is okay to be something in order to learn more about yourself.
With this new year I welcome a good lifeset. I draw into my own self and build solid foundations and a beautiful house of life for myself and in turn those I care about. I take a deep breath from the clean winter air, and exhale all of the past depressions and lulls. I release all of the sluggish neglect and sharp painful hot anger. I breathe out resentments and expectations. I inhale fully clean, clear singing air, and feel it vibrate silver and blue with my own energetic setpoint, igniting sparks of clean beautiful energy within me. I feel the vibrations like a thousand beautiful stars within my chest emanate outward to my limbs while my soul feels cleansed and refreshed. I leave behind the heavy muddled past year's cryings, carryings of heavy baggage of others wounds I could not heal. Those things I took on as my own issues only to find none of them are mine. I became akin to others stories to the point of sorrow and I no longer am willing or able to do such things. So these things I release within these exhaled breaths. As vapors of warm breath meet icy air they crystallize and fall to the snow covered ground- they will melt with the spring thaw, being given back to soil earth to be healed and reworked into joy of blossom and warmth.I no longer fight dense thickets of confusion, instead I smile in winter sun, knowing that spring thaw will come and until then, enjoy the beautiful songs of bird friends and changing landscapes under Lady Winter's blanket of freeze and melt.
I no longer accept neglect of my own soul, I no longer accept disrespect of my own way of being and knowing being ignored. I walk an ancient path of wisdom that now, in my oncoming 40th year I will walk and claim as my truth and birthright earned even more via the years of wandering. My 40th year is one of standing tall, doing things that bring my soul beautiful contentment and joy. This ear and eye filling way of living brings my soul to full expression of magical good and beauty. I am happy in this, like a song and scent of forest I stand within these amazing enchantments called life experiences and smile. This is the best year in so very long. And I am grateful

I remember years ago when maggie was so small I would spend my days watching food network, fussing about my home through the day, making my house honey. Holidays were good. Summer was good. Today I sit on the couch, watchjng food network while I'm home from being sick last night. I look forward to those days again. Life sure does go in cycles.

Ziggy Marley save me...

Shine Bright!
Lift your head up!
Be strong!
These are only lessons!
Woman is Strength!

Keep Going!

...how?
these are lies. Lies perpetuated by people who have no idea what it is to be worn.

I have lived my whole life, being capable. Being a leader, being in the middle of the action.
I am worn.
I can no longer do these things.
I am not shining, I do not want to shine.
Fuck you.
I cannot lift my head up, because there is only anger and sadness in my eyes.
I am worn.
These are lessons only to the new comer. I am over this lesson bullshit. I don't have anything else to learn from these hardships.
IS this all there is for me? Why can I never have what I want for me?
Not any more. Not rite now.
Oh 'change your filter' .. easy when all there is to change is the tv channel.
I can reitterate  all day long my 'woes' but its pointless. I am tired. I am worn. I have never not had hope, and direction...
until now.
I cannot imagine what a difference could possibly be for me. I want to go off to a tropical beach away from all I know and just watch the tea water and sit in the sun. I want to breathe life back into my ragged chest.
This is the truest form of what depression is. And i will not 'seek help'.. because I am not a number, I am not a 'medication'. I do not have health insurance anyways. Wouldn't do me any good.
I live my life surrounded by the most broken people, day in and day out.
I know this is the problem, I know empathy has killed me. And is this a catalyst? Is this a turning point? These unhealthy people, this unhappy life.
I just can't feel into picking myself 'up by the bootstraps'...

Ziggy sings it best...

Hmm, gotcha. Well, you are beautiful and amazing and a sheperd of your people and you are strong and can do anything you put your mind to and a wonderful Mom and you are in touch with the universe and it will guide you wether you want it to or not and if all else fails you are loved and that can see you through.💜

Grateful for support from afar. 

Seasons

The more I learn about the world around me, the shit people do, the more disappointed I become. I know it's a perspective accordance, however, I wonder how it can be that people are so shitty. Seasons are changing and I'm having to look at my life. I don't want to. I want to remain in homeostasis just like everyone else.  It's easier. But it's not flow.
Sigh
The universe knows what it is doing. Feels like the truth of feast or famine now as time gets cooler.
Catalyst of soul.
'Give me something to sing about'