Inspiration

"most people do not expect their path to great abundance to be one of Ease and Joy. They have been taught that struggle and hardship and struggle are the requirements that must be met before the reward of great abundance can be realized. Most do not understand that the very struggle they deliberately involve themselves in, in their quest for success and advantage, actually works AGAINST them.
There are so many things that you have been taught to believe in that are counter to the powerful laws of the universe, that it is difficult for you to thin your way out.and that is the reason that we present this path of less resistance.
We want you to relax rather than offer effort, breathe rather than try, smile rather than struggle, for your true power is experienced from within the vortex."

So, what I take from this, and what i have been thinking/feeling on is that the thing that comes most easy to us, is our life path, our purpose and most effective way to achieve the things we most want in this time/space.
for me, Art is the way to go, I have been having a regained spark for such things, and I am so grateful for it. I have been arranging my life to open creative space to paint an make things again, I am releasing the old hold on Herbal work. Just because i know stuff doesnt obligate me to stay on a certain path, my true path is Art and creation with paint and mixed media. Things i think of all day off and on are acrylic pouring and twig garlands. I want to create.

so then...

Still driving for the cab company.
Late fall
Trees dropping clothing as I watch with covered eyes
My mind feels like Cobwebbed things forgotten in murk
My soul just a lump of numbness.
I always say ‘it’s time for a change’
‘I need to get back to...’
‘Time to step into..’
I’ve done so much.
Younger years saw so much sunshine and I seem to be stuck there.
Lusting to achieve greatness comparable.
When there’s nothing comparable.
There is only now.
And there is only here.
There are differences. There is no comparison
So then, unknown... what now?

Sunday life.

I am planning on staying in this new place quite a while. I like being up on the second floor, and My bedroom and the kitchen were already painted the correct colors when we moved in. I like the wooden floors, and the neighbors. I am feeling good about the interior, it is starting to come together. I don't mind working to pay the rent, it is very much worth the cabbing hours to sit in my window and listen to good music and breathe...
I am glad to be here, Maggie is happy and has playmates here, which i very much am glad for. I have my quiet, and my things. I am waiting on inspiration to come into my being to create art again.
I have given up worry, I am allowing myself quiet enjoyment. Monetary stress has no place in my life, I make my choices and enjoy the events I participate in.
We have gardens, at the community gardens in somersworth and rollinsford. Maggie planted tomatoes and lavender and strawberries today. they will be very good things to work on and reap the rewards of. I am eating better for my body, more live food, not so much wheat and processed junk.
I am taking supplements in the form of tinctures, I can do that as opposed to swallowing pills. easier for me to do. I'm happier and enjoying the beauty in the details.

2017

Life has changed in 2017. Maggie and I have moved into our own apartment finally. I am still working for the cab company. But I am tired.
I started being tired about a years ago to the point of 'bad'. Now I can call it continual fatigue and be honest in saying that. I need to see a doctor but don't have insurance. I am hoping to sign up for and be approved for some state aid with it very soon. I sleep between my cab runs now, and can only do short stretches of physical labor before I'm too exhausted to continue. Moving us was an adrenaline run. I don't talk about it to many people but I will need to get help soon. There is for surely something wrong. My entire body hurts all the time from my feet (barely able to walk after sitting for small periods of time) to my hands (idrop thibgs a lot and my joints hurt so bad) to my brain being continually as though I just woke up. The only relief I get is 3 Advil and a couple rockstar energy drinks a day.
I am currentky taking a remedy for Lyme disease. Gods I hope it helps.
I hope something helps...

The Essence of My Every Desire Can Be Fulfilled... If your time-space reality has the wherewithal to inspire a desire within you, it is our absolute promise to you that your time-space reality has the ability to deliver, in full-manifested form, the reality of the desire it has inspired. Any and all desires can be fulfilled unless you are holding yourself out of alignment with your own desire. The feeling of competition or shortage, or limitation of resources, means you are out of alignment with your own desire.

---Abraham

Yes, but what IS my desire? I don't even know. I know that I have memories of things I want and want to be. Insopiration is so far from me rite now. I know so much but have it all seemingly unavailable becUse it is tangled up in a rusty ball of wire innmy chest and under heavy dirty grey blankets in my dark mind. Oh please let things move along quickly. I'll help pack and move the other away. I need to rejuvenate and open back up. I feel like I am wasting so much of my self being this way. 

I've been taking stock of interactions in my life. Reflection.

"You're no closer to what you wanted than you were over a year ago when we got here. But Dawnie does what Dawnie does and will keep chasing an Idea without any real plan."
He's correct.
Plan step one.

"Its amazing how little it can take to change our perspective..."
He, too is correct.  Cocked head gives new perspective.


"Think how great it would feel if Maggie came home asking for a keyboard and you said sure give me a couple weeks and we will get you one. That's all I want for you and Maggie to see you stable, happy and not broke. You can garden in a community garden wherever you live if theres not space."
She's rite too.

Step one. PlAn. Ground. Stabilize.
Grow.

Save

There are times where I sit and cry between tuns while I drive cab for 12+ hours. There are times where I just want to be comfortable and happy. Where sobbing to the ground feels like the only thing that would help. There are times I want someone else to do the hard stuff. Where I remember past people and wonder if they would have helped. But I know better.
There are times like today that start out beautifully and full of hope but end up with a lump in my throat hat I swallow barely down so I can interact with others. Days like today where I just want to curl up and be okay. Where I'm so lost and sad I don't know what to do. These days I wonder what it must be like for those people on pills who get to numb the pain away. Happy pills that are probably lies. I want someone to genuinely care. Someone to save me, I deserve it.