Shane Davis ZumMallen..
Fallen Angel in Beauty and Love.
July 16 1981 - August 31 2011
He Died. He said his good-bye that he so wanted for so long, and all we could do was allow it. A beautiful boy, who never had a true chance, took his own time. Here is what I have to say and How I feel as I think on it all....
Written while watching the Bro ken Angel Sleep one night....
Him
" Closed Eyes
Soft eyelashes brushing
Pale cheeks
He sleeps."
" Closed Eyes
Soft eyelashes brushing
Pale cheeks
He sleeps."
Written in a time of separation...
Shane Follows
"Hold out your palm
And I'll prick your finger
We'll test you.
And pull you apart.
There's got to be something
Somewhere.
What is it?
Where did it come from?
And why?
Hold out your arms
I'll slit them one hundred times,
-again.
And we'll pull you apart.
We can bandage you up with something,
Someway.
Bare your chest
We'll pull out your heart,
And push it to it's limits.
See how much it can take.
And we'll pull you apart.
I'll fix you somehow,
Someday."
I couldn't fix him... no one could. We all tried until our hearts broke, and we became dry and resentful. And none of it was his fault. He kept trying- he kept reaching for light - a light he didn't even believe in. But he tried. Over and Over and Over again. Until there was no more chances he could give himself. He was so strong for going on as long as he did in this thing he never asked for, living the things that were forced upon him by people he only wanted love from. T hings no child should endure.
But in this there are paradox. In my own understandings, I struggle with the 2 sides-
One, my spiritual understandings- We are here for God-self to God-self experience. We are her to FEEL and Experience what we are and who we are via contrast, so that the Universe can express what is is vi a what it is not. Shane was so much a part of that- a part bigger than myself, because he experienced things so much more intensely than i do. Than most people do. He had such pain, and such undulating sorrow that when he felt fleeting joy or love or laughed, it was so intense for him. And those moments were quiet and precious to him. He savored them.
.
.."He was Love, and He tried so hard. He had the best experience of love of any of us, because those few fleeting moments of pure joyful love he would experience were more heaven than any of us can imagine.. they were more powerful for him and more full than anything we have because they were so preciously intense."
And there is the side of me that says he signed up for this contract, so that he could experience these things, grow. learn... And I signed up for this contract so that I could feel these things, grow, learn....
Damn he always had to do things so strongly. This time-round, too.. he signed up for a challenge, because he knew he could do it. He did. He knows now. He accomplished true love from us all, and he knows, upon exiting, that we all love him so eternally.
We wouldn't be here if we didn't.
He is bringing together people who were enemies, Who were resentful. Seth and I for one. Wendy and I were only apart. We all grieve in common love lines. Together. Which makes us all In-Love. He was so damn smart, he knew, he always knew.
I always looked for his approval in all things I did.. funny thing, I always wanted him to say I did good. Which is all he wanted from others... no wonder...
Then there is the Human Part. The GOD DAMN YOU MOTHER FUCKERS part. (here, i removed an inserted lashing-out about his parental figures from this -you're welcome.) Because this is their part to play- they gave him the hurt, the pain, the anger. He never asked for it. NEVER.
However, with my understanding of Universal La w, Love and Peace, I cannot be angry too far, it's just not there.
well, not if I don't have to see them, and come back to human blind rage. I will be respectful of him, at present and not tell his whole gruesome story of child hood in detail, but i will say a few things about him in accordance-
We can start with his father. David. I only know the man's name because of a conversation we had years ago, Shane and I -
me-"Shane DAVID.."
Shane- "DavIS. Davis- the end has an 'S'- it makes it possessive- it means David's Son. My dad is David. I am his son. Davis."
.."Oh"
I will never forget. He loved his father. He cried for his father... Often. He just wanted his dad. He wanted to be loved. He missed his father. He wanted to be close to him.. but never could be. He wanted the pain of the things his parents did to be removed, like they never happened. He never said it aloud.. but he hurt from his father, so badly. I never got the full story. But it was there. And all he wanted was Love.
Mother... Lets move onto the mother. I know her name. I will not speak it. I wrote it off so long ago. The night before he died, I opened my cook book to the Zucchini Bread recipe she had sent him (because it was his favorite.. ) and made a batch. In the recipe she gives him kisses at the end. These were fleeting moments of sweetness. He loved his mother.. because he had those small, incandescent moments with her.. but they were underlyingly tainted. I hope he had built up many since then, true pure ones.
However, I will never forgive, and I will never forget. My own human-ness holds onto the flame of injustice. I was a mercenary once lifetimes ago... I still carry my sword. I have choice words, but i am sure sh e is drowning in her own horrid mess now. I'll let it take care of it self.
Wife? The new wife? I don't know her.. But I am sure she is in a bad spot rite now. I wish I did know her. I wish I could hold her, & tell her thank you fro trying for our beautiful boy..He would thank her himself, and probably did.
How about The Funeral? He doesn't want one. HE WANTS A PARTY. He told me this, as I am sure he told others. Cremation and party. I have a sinking feeling it wont go that way.
And I married this Beautiful Angel...
Shane Davis ZumMallen.. one of the most Intelligent, seeking, deep people to grace this earth. A self proclaimed 'Fallen-Angel', broken to the core but saint and savior to us all. Came to teach us the fragility of our selves, to cherish who we are, and what we have. Came to softly, with shaking hands, kiss each one of us as he joked about Cat-Tacos. A Beautiful Boy showing us how to love unconditionally, Hold hands across grievances, and come together to bridge gaps for the sake of good.
He only wanted out of the Darkness... and Now he is Pure Light. His soul is free of constraint, and his understanding complete.
His favorite food was bratwurst for a while, He loved Red&Black, Nine Inch Nails, MM, Industrial... and Cats. And His computer. And Us all. Kathy's song by Apoptygma Berzerk.
For My Once and Always Loved, Shane Davis ZumMallen.. Thank you. For everything thing, through the joy and pain, for teaching me Life Lessons beyond compare and giving me rations of your precious commodity of Love and Tenderness. You have done well here on this plane.. you have accomplished much. Even if you didn't know then, you do know now. And through it all, you had understanding and compassion.
There is so much more to say.
But I will stop here... because I love. And I was Blessed, and I Am Grateful.
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