...and I

I know that these things I now experience are those which will allow me to feel the fullness of Who I AM in the future. I will be able to feel the joy of hula hooping in twirling-swirling skirts on a Summer day because I felt the way I have now in this Winter dark.
And I can Appreciate that.

Redefine.

Redefinition.
(....That is the name of the game now.
Stupid way of putting it, but it's true.....)
Coming back to core, to a core I have built as I did other life-ly things. Like a notebook set aside for later reading.
I am now looking at the book, and this alien thing is to be integrated and lived.
A beautiful option, for sure.
Core Scents, Feels, Knowings.
And somewhat a battle.
Reeling and Allowing...
Recognizing and Building New.
So here I Am.
*sigh*

thinking when these things fleet by....

There are these fleeting things I get.... Thoughts and feelings of disassociation. Disasociation from the community I am in...
See, it's like this- It comes down to being Genuine. I am all for people finding their light, for people helping others, and I know that it takes all kinds to connect with all people. It just depends on the vibration of those looking to be reached, or reaching out. Like attracts like, and all the vibes must mesh.
However.
I have been working with a community that doesn't seem to suit me. It seems rather ego driven and plastic play-pretend.
or maybe its me. It's most likely me....
I think I am at a different vibration anymore and cannot interact with just anyone. I do what I can, but.... *sigh*
There is a professionalism that I would expect from those in service to others, and it is sorely lacking at the center I am working through. Their hearts are in the rite place, i think... but ... discernment is lacking. This could turn out poorly in the end, seeing as how they are putting way too many people together doing way too much... i think. And what I am noticing, is that the ones who are there, many are ego driven and just starting out.
There is a good thought in having an unnamed talent for your whole life, and then taking a class and the light bulb goes off.. but it is another thing to go to a class and decide you want to do that, too- when it's not in your blood.
...when you are there for your ego.. and money.
I can't stay there long.. I can start them a project and then remove myself from the whole thing. 

Any ways.. on a lighter note, I am looking forward to a basement filled with creation. A place of zen, inspiration, love and joy. A place of Bohemian Beauty and Goodness.
I am looking forward to brewing things in jars, to creating things to sell, things to share, things to inspire others and help! I am looking forward to Flowing in the Stream of Inspiration Creations! Ahhhh my soul! :D
I look forward to having my plants back, to having a bonsai again and green, growing things.
And its almost Nisu day. Yep.

Breakthrough

I feel as though I am waiting on a major breakthrough.
I feel as though I want to be something so different than I have been, like my old label of 'herbalist' and 'sunmoonstars' doesn't fit anymore. I want to stop, Take time and change. Rejuvenate. But I committed to something. I think I am going to change the commitment. Start them off then let them do it themselves.
I am happy to be working with the garden club. That is new, that is my passion. Plants, growing, sustainable living.

I want to live in ways that are beautiful.

I Am wanting to start all clean, and follow a beautiful passion that is amazing and good. A soul-filling purposeful life. 

I know I have already touched many lives, and I don't want to discredit that. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to help many people, and hold beautiful space. 

And now it is time for something new. And for that, I am grateful.

Newness

The newness of this place. It is so big, and to fill it with so much is... a lot to be.
I was looking on pinterest, and gaining so much inspiration.
But I am tired. I want to tell people that I am so tired.. I want to scream it to the world in a whisper and then fall into a refreshing deep sleep. I want to sleep for days and wake up beautiful, refreshed and happy. I feel like if I say that I am tired, I am complaining and whining. But really, I am so tired. So Very, Very, Very tired. ...and it;s not going away.
I want to make this home beautiful, Magical and Perfectly amazing. I cannot even begin to think about doing it though... I try. I do little pieces and then stop, because I am so tired. I am overwhelmed.
I look at the stacks of boxes and sigh and walk away. I don't even know where to start because I don't have the energy to do any of it. But I keep trying.
I think maybe all the years of pushing has lead me to exhaustion point. The problem with that is that I cannot be tired now. I need to be okay. I need to be able to use the wonderful gift of time I have wisely and to my advantage. I want to, I dream of it. I need rest. I need to sleep. I have a little time... maybe I will go nap.

This new

This new Here and now.... with its familiar unfamiliarity. The always new empty uncomfortable voids that taste of unrecognized energies. These will become fondly remembered uncomfortable spots in times to come. The light of newness will fade and heavy comfort ability will settle in.

I never know if I love or hate the new times in a new environment.
I want to be settled into the magic of this life, I want to not have the weird pangs of  empty cold this newness gives.
It takes a lot to fill empty places with solid warmth of Magical light, with soft wisps of Zen coolness.
Many levels. Many things.
Much goodness. Just lots of ingredients.

Home.

THis place, this time, this day is so beautiful I could cry. I have an  sense of peace and excitement so big... it's almost overwhelming. I am Home. I have placed candles and fountains in my Kitchen. I am putting away food into real places, I will set up a table soon. My child has a family, My children have a home. I have a place. I have a life, I have beauty and family. I am ..... happy. I am at peace....
For the first time in what seems like a lifetime, I feel excited. I feel Joy, I feel Happy. This is so beautiful.
And Universe? I am So Grateful... Thank you. <3 br="br">