there are things that we do not want to admit to ourselves.. there are things that are hard to deal with. Things that bring up doubt about who we are...
but then there is the Universe.
And there is trusted knowledge. And understanding. And knowing.
And then there is life.
And Today, my life changed. My slate has been wiped clean.
For the first time ever.. I was fired from a job.
and I am afraid to tell anyone. (and afraid of it's reflection on me..)
Especially Michael.
Also, last night I was told the place I was supposed to move to is no longer an option. When I told Michael he was angry.
..hence why I don't like telling him things.....
And so now- with completely blank slate, I am standing naked in the Universe....
and don't really know what to do.
Though I have a vague Idea why this is all occurring, I am going to just give myself tonight.
and Wait.
Friday, September 20, 2013
A protected kindle
I feel like I am holding tightly to protect what little spark I can vary today. Bent over, sheltering my little tinder pack from any threatening breeze.
I got a message late last night that the place Maggie and I were going to stay is not an option now. They changed their minds. Sigh. And it is clear I need to leave on time.
I am feeling a little down about the whole situation. Mostly because I don't know what to do. It's like a big waiting game- like I am standing in the middle of a desert dirt road, saying- well, okay, what's next?
I can't reAct, I just have to be calm and wait. I don't have enough information to do anything in any direction. I just know what my ultimate end result is. What I want. Land, home, teaching. Me and Maggie. Home.
Sigh. Some days just crying would be enough to release... But unfortunately today, at work, is not the time.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Sunrise on a Wednesday
I woke up rested.. I thought.. I am yawning.. good lord!
I am watching the sunrise reflected onto the church steeple in the distance, and thinking of the basement I will soon reside in.
And then the next move I will make in Winter... it will be cold, but worth it.
I am also thinking about how I interact with people. I watch, and listen, and don't say what I am really thinking. I think that is where the 2-dawns seeming split comes in. I don't usually say what I am thinking. I see Universal nuances, things others don't know to look for, points directed- but I don't say anything in the 'real' world. I want to dig into people's souls - to pull out what they REALLY are, want, can be... but I don't. I want to throw out into the open what they REALLY want to say, what they TRULY mean when they speak.. but I don't.
Anyways..
It's getting more and more chilly here, and I am loving it.
I know I will move this winter from the Edelmann's house. I know I will find us the rite place, a great place. I know it will be cold when I move us. haha! and that is okay.
for now.. *yyyaaaaawn* I just need to get moving. I have a great lot of good work to do, and YAY for first steps. I am uber grateful to feel this (even if it's small) spark of excitement for my life.
I WOULD LIKE MORE, MUCH MORE spark of excitement and looking forward to my life please - Thanks in advance!
I am watching the sunrise reflected onto the church steeple in the distance, and thinking of the basement I will soon reside in.
And then the next move I will make in Winter... it will be cold, but worth it.
I am also thinking about how I interact with people. I watch, and listen, and don't say what I am really thinking. I think that is where the 2-dawns seeming split comes in. I don't usually say what I am thinking. I see Universal nuances, things others don't know to look for, points directed- but I don't say anything in the 'real' world. I want to dig into people's souls - to pull out what they REALLY are, want, can be... but I don't. I want to throw out into the open what they REALLY want to say, what they TRULY mean when they speak.. but I don't.
Anyways..
It's getting more and more chilly here, and I am loving it.
I know I will move this winter from the Edelmann's house. I know I will find us the rite place, a great place. I know it will be cold when I move us. haha! and that is okay.
for now.. *yyyaaaaawn* I just need to get moving. I have a great lot of good work to do, and YAY for first steps. I am uber grateful to feel this (even if it's small) spark of excitement for my life.
I WOULD LIKE MORE, MUCH MORE spark of excitement and looking forward to my life please - Thanks in advance!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Comparisons
So. I started a new job last week. with kids. at a daycare.
As with what some say- it's a job. and i decent one, I am grateful, I don't hate it.
But it's hard work, and I got sick from them. And that, too, is okay.
It's a job.
But now my wheels are turning. Yes, this is a job. And of course I am capable of spreading light within it, and any amount of godness is never wasted.
But.
Is this the best use of my talents? Of course not.
And I am thinking. More and more and more about the Farmstead. SoulFarm, Learning place.
A place of home, a place of love and light, and sustainability and teaching. A place of healing. A good place.
And I know this is where I belong. Teaching people to be fully them, to be self sufficient, to grow food, to cook food and to feed their soul.
It is coming clear- with a few details like a coffee/book shop, and the Herbal shop on the property, I could easily map out a beautiful place, a center and retreat, a funded place of goodness for young and old, teachers and students.
yes.
Notebook time.
As with what some say- it's a job. and i decent one, I am grateful, I don't hate it.
But it's hard work, and I got sick from them. And that, too, is okay.
It's a job.
But now my wheels are turning. Yes, this is a job. And of course I am capable of spreading light within it, and any amount of godness is never wasted.
But.
Is this the best use of my talents? Of course not.
And I am thinking. More and more and more about the Farmstead. SoulFarm, Learning place.
A place of home, a place of love and light, and sustainability and teaching. A place of healing. A good place.
And I know this is where I belong. Teaching people to be fully them, to be self sufficient, to grow food, to cook food and to feed their soul.
It is coming clear- with a few details like a coffee/book shop, and the Herbal shop on the property, I could easily map out a beautiful place, a center and retreat, a funded place of goodness for young and old, teachers and students.
yes.
Notebook time.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Breathable
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh........... First week of work down. Work I *LOVE*! I am working at a child care center in Maine, and what a rejuvenating experience! I play with kids all day. SO different than what I have done in the past. I give love and direction all day- in a COMPLETELY different way than I have in the past - not the way from the shop, not the sucking needing love and not the 'pick up off the floor' direction. The smiling, laughing, fun Love and the 'dont hit your friends' and 'cut the paper this way' direction... what a change!
My first official weekend off! And what a Beautiful weekend it is! Despite it being a weekend that I have to pack my belongings, it is a time given definition by the rest of the week! I don't have to do anything, I have NO stress! (haha.. funny to say, with what is happening in the living situation I've been in).
I feel a great sense of 'It's all okay!!' and I know that all things are going to be worked through and worked out!
The weather is simply amazing, it is cool and crisp out this morning, perfect temp inside! it is reminding me of the season's coming changes.
Autumn always renews my sense of hope. By the end of Winter and Summer...because they are so LOOOOOong I get into a funk. Blech! So glad THAT is over. I know we will have a small Indian Summer, and that is okay, because the plants will have begun to change in it. So, it will not be permanent!
Yes, I can officially say - Life is good!
My first official weekend off! And what a Beautiful weekend it is! Despite it being a weekend that I have to pack my belongings, it is a time given definition by the rest of the week! I don't have to do anything, I have NO stress! (haha.. funny to say, with what is happening in the living situation I've been in).
I feel a great sense of 'It's all okay!!' and I know that all things are going to be worked through and worked out!
The weather is simply amazing, it is cool and crisp out this morning, perfect temp inside! it is reminding me of the season's coming changes.
Autumn always renews my sense of hope. By the end of Winter and Summer...because they are so LOOOOOong I get into a funk. Blech! So glad THAT is over. I know we will have a small Indian Summer, and that is okay, because the plants will have begun to change in it. So, it will not be permanent!
Yes, I can officially say - Life is good!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
heh. Giddy Boisterousness...
okay, so, theres this-
I got this in my email today, one of the things i daily read.
"We would demonstrate to everyone that we are cheerful, that we are optimistic, that we are happy, that we are looking for the best-feeling thought that we can find — and that we've practiced it so much that we often find it. And then, as people say to you, in accusing tones, "Oh, you are a Pollyanna," announce to them, "Pollyanna lived a very happy life."
---Abraham"
I have been told there are 2 Dawns- Facebook Dawn and the 'real' Dawn. Actually this statement is FALSE and based largely on the past 3 years of what has been seen.
The FB Dawn IS the real Dawn.. the optimistic, loving, fun Dawn. The decorated House Dawn. The Magical Helpful, Laughing, Goofy Dawn. THATS the real Dawn.
Not the Dawn that is angry with ex-lovers, stressed with lack of things, beat down with peoples use of her.
That is someone I don't know.
But someone others got to know.
Boy are others going to be a little surprised at the annoying giddiness of the real Dawn upon experience of her.
heh.
(and to prove my point, as anyone who has known me prior to 2010.
;)
I got this in my email today, one of the things i daily read.
"We would demonstrate to everyone that we are cheerful, that we are optimistic, that we are happy, that we are looking for the best-feeling thought that we can find — and that we've practiced it so much that we often find it. And then, as people say to you, in accusing tones, "Oh, you are a Pollyanna," announce to them, "Pollyanna lived a very happy life."
---Abraham"
I have been told there are 2 Dawns- Facebook Dawn and the 'real' Dawn. Actually this statement is FALSE and based largely on the past 3 years of what has been seen.
The FB Dawn IS the real Dawn.. the optimistic, loving, fun Dawn. The decorated House Dawn. The Magical Helpful, Laughing, Goofy Dawn. THATS the real Dawn.
Not the Dawn that is angry with ex-lovers, stressed with lack of things, beat down with peoples use of her.
That is someone I don't know.
But someone others got to know.
Boy are others going to be a little surprised at the annoying giddiness of the real Dawn upon experience of her.
heh.
(and to prove my point, as anyone who has known me prior to 2010.
;)
Sunday, September 1, 2013
In the Amber afternoon Light..
I look forward to better days, to smiling again in true delight of life, to being happy and loving...
Some days, I think it's me, I think I'm crazy and I make it all up. That I am too picky and there's something wrong with me.
And then something like this comes in... and I realize, I actually *AM* a good person, worth something and do damn good things- I'm not some fucking lunatic who asks too much from a life partner, I'm not wrong.
I asked for a letter of recommendation for a job I am getting. This is what I got from Maggie's Teacher...
"August 30, 2013
To Whom It May Concern:
It is my pleasure to present this letter of recommendation for Dawn Evans. I have known
Dawn since August of 2011 when her daughter Maggie was placed in my 1/2 multiage
classroom at the Rollinsford Grade School in Rollinsford, NH. I was so fortunate to be
able to work with Dawn and her daughter for two years. During these past two years I
have had many opportunities to observe Dawn’s teaching and interactions with children,
staff, and other parents.
Dawn cares about all people! She volunteered weekly in my classroom and always took
the time to get to know all my students individually. She not all knew their names but
also their personalities, likes and dislikes, interests, and individual needs. Students felt
this and immediately reacted positively to her, knowing that she cared about them. She
took the time to listen to them and answer their questions. She respected them! She also
knew when and when not to use humor with students. She is reliable and flexible which
is always essential in my book. She has also helped out other students and families when
they were in need in our school. She is a complete natural!
Dawn is Mother Earth. She cares passionately for this planet and she has a wealth of
information on how to better care for our environment. Dawn started a worm bin in my
classroom with my students and would come in weekly and do mini lessons with them.
This included hands on observation, question/answer time, giving advice and direction
and sending information home to families. Dawn also offered mini worm bin kits to
send home with any family interested so families could start composting at home as well.
Students looked forward to our weekly Wednesday Worm Bin time and learned so much
Dawn is a strong advocate of education, our schools and our children. Dawn is a huge
supporter of education and spoke several times passionately at town meetings when it
came time to vote on the school budget. She wants what is best for children and the
world we live in. Dawn also combined several of her interests and volunteered after
school in our enrichment program. She ran a class on sustainability called Eat Dirt. The
class was immediately full and kids loved the engaging activities she created for them.
She is always willing to help in any way possible.
Dawn is a well respected and involved member of the Rollinsford community. She
successfully ran her own store, Sun Moon Stars Herbals, in town for many years.
Although she closed the physical doors on her store, she continues her business online
and through home parties. Dawn is also an active member and Vice President of the
community Rollinsford Garden and Local Sustainability Club (RGLSC). She is able to
use her knowledge to help the community again with healthy, sustainable options and is
working hard to grow this endeavor.
I truly enjoy working with Dawn and would highly recommend her for any position that
she strives for. She is creative and caring, an entrepreneur, a naturalist, a community
and school supporter with one huge heart. She will welcome any challenge with an
open mind. Dawn is an outstanding person with great integrity and will be a wonderful
addition to any school or business! If I can provide you with additional information
regarding this recommendation, please don’t hesitate to contact me at work or on my cell
***Teacher and Cell***
Multiage 1/2 Instructor"
...so fuck off.
Some days, I think it's me, I think I'm crazy and I make it all up. That I am too picky and there's something wrong with me.
And then something like this comes in... and I realize, I actually *AM* a good person, worth something and do damn good things- I'm not some fucking lunatic who asks too much from a life partner, I'm not wrong.
I asked for a letter of recommendation for a job I am getting. This is what I got from Maggie's Teacher...
"August 30, 2013
To Whom It May Concern:
It is my pleasure to present this letter of recommendation for Dawn Evans. I have known
Dawn since August of 2011 when her daughter Maggie was placed in my 1/2 multiage
classroom at the Rollinsford Grade School in Rollinsford, NH. I was so fortunate to be
able to work with Dawn and her daughter for two years. During these past two years I
have had many opportunities to observe Dawn’s teaching and interactions with children,
staff, and other parents.
Dawn cares about all people! She volunteered weekly in my classroom and always took
the time to get to know all my students individually. She not all knew their names but
also their personalities, likes and dislikes, interests, and individual needs. Students felt
this and immediately reacted positively to her, knowing that she cared about them. She
took the time to listen to them and answer their questions. She respected them! She also
knew when and when not to use humor with students. She is reliable and flexible which
is always essential in my book. She has also helped out other students and families when
they were in need in our school. She is a complete natural!
Dawn is Mother Earth. She cares passionately for this planet and she has a wealth of
information on how to better care for our environment. Dawn started a worm bin in my
classroom with my students and would come in weekly and do mini lessons with them.
This included hands on observation, question/answer time, giving advice and direction
and sending information home to families. Dawn also offered mini worm bin kits to
send home with any family interested so families could start composting at home as well.
Students looked forward to our weekly Wednesday Worm Bin time and learned so much
Dawn is a strong advocate of education, our schools and our children. Dawn is a huge
supporter of education and spoke several times passionately at town meetings when it
came time to vote on the school budget. She wants what is best for children and the
world we live in. Dawn also combined several of her interests and volunteered after
school in our enrichment program. She ran a class on sustainability called Eat Dirt. The
class was immediately full and kids loved the engaging activities she created for them.
She is always willing to help in any way possible.
Dawn is a well respected and involved member of the Rollinsford community. She
successfully ran her own store, Sun Moon Stars Herbals, in town for many years.
Although she closed the physical doors on her store, she continues her business online
and through home parties. Dawn is also an active member and Vice President of the
community Rollinsford Garden and Local Sustainability Club (RGLSC). She is able to
use her knowledge to help the community again with healthy, sustainable options and is
working hard to grow this endeavor.
I truly enjoy working with Dawn and would highly recommend her for any position that
she strives for. She is creative and caring, an entrepreneur, a naturalist, a community
and school supporter with one huge heart. She will welcome any challenge with an
open mind. Dawn is an outstanding person with great integrity and will be a wonderful
addition to any school or business! If I can provide you with additional information
regarding this recommendation, please don’t hesitate to contact me at work or on my cell
***Teacher and Cell***
Multiage 1/2 Instructor"
...so fuck off.
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