This will be the last Holiday we miss out of chaos or crisis.
I am feeling poorly tonight for the lack of Halloween spirit I have, not that I even remember it is the Halloween season. And I won't have a chance to even really celebrate it much- too much to do.
Maggie will get to Trick or Treat with Erica and Matthew and I in Clarkdale so that is good.
Still burning through the house, Tired tonight for sure.
feeling a little worn. Good to know I can unload anything I dont sell to Vanessa at her thrift store.
7 days.
Then off to home.
It will be a lot of emotions.. i think.
But I will be glad to have the continuous nagging in the back of my head gone.
I can finally settle down.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Life will ..
I am wide awake at 1:08 am. I was thinking about a few of my precious belongings, and I could feel the yuck begin to creep in, so i got up and made tea.
And Think.
I know I am starting over- again. This will be #2 major restart in my life. I did this once when I was 22, to come to NH.
and there have been several small reboots in between
But this will be the last one.
When I get home, I will not restart again. I am all done with major uproot adventures. I am too old for it, and I am ready to settle and live from a new perspective. A comfortable perspective.
I spent the last few years working myself into a place where I felt extremely trapped, and was very distracted until a year ago. The distraction was good.. but when it ended, the trapped part became a forefront thing that had me flailing.
It took me the whole year to come to my stop-point of just being ready to go where I have wanted to be for a very long time.
I have been working fast and very determinedly for the past week now to accomplish the goal I have set for myself.
And it feels more right than anything has in a very long time.
No more distractions. Just going home.. to build a life where I never have to uproot again. A life where I am comfortable and secure.
I have never felt that way in New England.
I came here to grow, to learn a way of being in my own shoes, of who I am - in ways I never could ever have done in the Valley. I had to have the outside culture and exposure and influences. They have gifted me more than anything could.
And now I will take this and go back to my world to put it to beautiful use, and give back more than I had ever had as a child.
I am grateful for the beauty of it all.
Rite now, to get it done, I want to hold onto the drive, the determination and not get into any of the fear base that holds me to anything physical - the belongings. I will take with us what is important to us, and leave that which is unnecessary. What a beautiful weight to have lift! I have always been told I have too much 'crap', and you know what? there IS too much unnecessary junk kicking around, and that is okay. I am looking forward to arriving with just enough things that I can pick them up and move them easily. I will re-collect things as I live along in time... and they will have good meaning to them. But for now.. Now, I am looking forward to new and happy sunsets and beautiful sunrises.
I am grateful for all who have crossed my path here in New England.
And Think.
I know I am starting over- again. This will be #2 major restart in my life. I did this once when I was 22, to come to NH.
and there have been several small reboots in between
But this will be the last one.
When I get home, I will not restart again. I am all done with major uproot adventures. I am too old for it, and I am ready to settle and live from a new perspective. A comfortable perspective.
I spent the last few years working myself into a place where I felt extremely trapped, and was very distracted until a year ago. The distraction was good.. but when it ended, the trapped part became a forefront thing that had me flailing.
It took me the whole year to come to my stop-point of just being ready to go where I have wanted to be for a very long time.
I have been working fast and very determinedly for the past week now to accomplish the goal I have set for myself.
And it feels more right than anything has in a very long time.
No more distractions. Just going home.. to build a life where I never have to uproot again. A life where I am comfortable and secure.
I have never felt that way in New England.
I came here to grow, to learn a way of being in my own shoes, of who I am - in ways I never could ever have done in the Valley. I had to have the outside culture and exposure and influences. They have gifted me more than anything could.
And now I will take this and go back to my world to put it to beautiful use, and give back more than I had ever had as a child.
I am grateful for the beauty of it all.
Rite now, to get it done, I want to hold onto the drive, the determination and not get into any of the fear base that holds me to anything physical - the belongings. I will take with us what is important to us, and leave that which is unnecessary. What a beautiful weight to have lift! I have always been told I have too much 'crap', and you know what? there IS too much unnecessary junk kicking around, and that is okay. I am looking forward to arriving with just enough things that I can pick them up and move them easily. I will re-collect things as I live along in time... and they will have good meaning to them. But for now.. Now, I am looking forward to new and happy sunsets and beautiful sunrises.
I am grateful for all who have crossed my path here in New England.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Decision
So, today, I made the biggest decision I have made for many years... I am taking Maggie, and I am going Home.
My soul has longed to go home for almost 13 years. I have cried since I got here to return to my home soil.
And today, I decided to go. I had FINALLY had enough. I have realized that all my dreams and aspirations revolve around one thing- Home. My land, My acres and life.. all home. All Verde Valley.
I was shown all I asked for in the past 4 days- Vermont, woodstove, off grid.. and It came to one thing. It was not WHERE I wanted. It had the rite colors.. but the wrong shape.
so, tomorrow I start selling all the things I have dearly clung to and we start the transition of moving and setting up a whole new life.
Which.. wonderfully.. is all laid out easily. I called the VV Montessori School, and they had ONE place left. It is now Maggie's
I am feeling the peace of home already.. and how wonderful I know it will be. My support system there is beautiful- and one of the BEST parts in the universe- NO SNOW!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! yep- NO snow!! Winter is going to totally flipping ROCK! and be OVER at the end of February!! Happy birthday to meeeee!!
Maggie is excited to FINALLY meet all the people and places she has heard about for ever. They are all excited to meet her!
I know we will go home and have amazing friends greet us, sunshine, glorious mountains, open stars, and LOVE!! So much LOVE!!
I am over the moon. My heart FINALLY feels good!!!
Thank you universe!! Thank you!!
Love, Dawn Marie!
My soul has longed to go home for almost 13 years. I have cried since I got here to return to my home soil.
And today, I decided to go. I had FINALLY had enough. I have realized that all my dreams and aspirations revolve around one thing- Home. My land, My acres and life.. all home. All Verde Valley.
I was shown all I asked for in the past 4 days- Vermont, woodstove, off grid.. and It came to one thing. It was not WHERE I wanted. It had the rite colors.. but the wrong shape.
so, tomorrow I start selling all the things I have dearly clung to and we start the transition of moving and setting up a whole new life.
Which.. wonderfully.. is all laid out easily. I called the VV Montessori School, and they had ONE place left. It is now Maggie's
I am feeling the peace of home already.. and how wonderful I know it will be. My support system there is beautiful- and one of the BEST parts in the universe- NO SNOW!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! yep- NO snow!! Winter is going to totally flipping ROCK! and be OVER at the end of February!! Happy birthday to meeeee!!
Maggie is excited to FINALLY meet all the people and places she has heard about for ever. They are all excited to meet her!
I know we will go home and have amazing friends greet us, sunshine, glorious mountains, open stars, and LOVE!! So much LOVE!!
I am over the moon. My heart FINALLY feels good!!!
Thank you universe!! Thank you!!
Love, Dawn Marie!
Distractions
I always feel like everything I get myself into is just a distraction from going home.
I just want to go home.....
Time to make a plan.
this time, for real.
I just want to go home.....
Time to make a plan.
this time, for real.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Vermont
So, we are in Vermont. We stayed the night at a woman named Terry's house.
I asked the Universe to please help me, to show me a sign.
And I was hit like a 2 X 4 in the head with this.
She needs a roommate- someone to help with the dogs. For room and board.
I was so excited.. until I got here. I was hoping to have a revelation, some sort of insane overload of sensory perception of correctness.
I don't. I'm uneasy. I can only feel like I did with my horrid step mother, and with Lisa the neighbor and Wendy the herbalist and being stranded in the winter.
I don't know if it would be best for Maggie.
I don't know if it would be best for me.
No internet is an issue for me.
I have a yuck heart, I am unsure. I will continue packing.
I need to talk to Steven about it.
I wish I understood.
I asked the Universe to please help me, to show me a sign.
And I was hit like a 2 X 4 in the head with this.
She needs a roommate- someone to help with the dogs. For room and board.
I was so excited.. until I got here. I was hoping to have a revelation, some sort of insane overload of sensory perception of correctness.
I don't. I'm uneasy. I can only feel like I did with my horrid step mother, and with Lisa the neighbor and Wendy the herbalist and being stranded in the winter.
I don't know if it would be best for Maggie.
I don't know if it would be best for me.
No internet is an issue for me.
I have a yuck heart, I am unsure. I will continue packing.
I need to talk to Steven about it.
I wish I understood.
Friday, October 4, 2013
a Me...
there are days when I absolutely hate being alone, feeling so beaten and upset.
that would be today. I really feel like running and hiding. My morning was wonderful.
I got to spend it with Maggie. We had a good time... and then I came home.
I came home to an ugly pissed off michael.
And got into an argument.. as always when he's in a bad mood. He was mad because I brought home more food.
But I brought it home for us all.. Because I know he likes things like swiss chard.
but that didnt matter. what mattered was his bad mood, and he kicked the dog.. again.
it got ugly.
I am so tired of his meanness.. and I now have no one to talk to about it.
I have no where to move to, and no job.
I know that I am not supposed to Reitterate all the negativity. I know I am supposed to do ...something..differently...
But In my upset, I get lost. I wish I had a ME to talk to.
*sigh*
that would be today. I really feel like running and hiding. My morning was wonderful.
I got to spend it with Maggie. We had a good time... and then I came home.
I came home to an ugly pissed off michael.
And got into an argument.. as always when he's in a bad mood. He was mad because I brought home more food.
But I brought it home for us all.. Because I know he likes things like swiss chard.
but that didnt matter. what mattered was his bad mood, and he kicked the dog.. again.
it got ugly.
I am so tired of his meanness.. and I now have no one to talk to about it.
I have no where to move to, and no job.
I know that I am not supposed to Reitterate all the negativity. I know I am supposed to do ...something..differently...
But In my upset, I get lost. I wish I had a ME to talk to.
*sigh*
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Envision and Intention.
So, all this talk of Furlow and Gv't shut downs is really bringing me to my land. I am so much day dreaming about my acres, the house, the wood stove, the plants and barn space.
I am thinking on the classes, the selling of goods that I make, the fact that I will heat my home with wood, and will rely on less and less outside influenced pieces for day to day operations.
So I start with Bread.
I start by making Nisu. I start by remembering to sell my goods.
Cinnamon
Salts
Premade meals to the School
Teas
Candles
Bread
From the 'Farm' (which needs a name)
Eggs from chickens
canned goods
Classes
Bread
Herbs that I grow
Plants
Infused oils
There will be a house, Where Maggie and I live. It will be beautiful, Witchy and Merlin. It will have many windows, it will feel like Home <3 br="">
There will be communal teaching/gathering space
There will be space for people to stay at the 'Farm' in the summer months to help out and apprentice or work.
There will be wood stoves in the house, workspace and guest house/space.
There will be chicken coop and fields of herbs
There will be home kitchen and Teaching Space kitchen
There will be an open fire pit area
There will be open field space
There will be wild forest
There will be a meditation spot in the forest
There will be fruit trees
I am thinking on the classes, the selling of goods that I make, the fact that I will heat my home with wood, and will rely on less and less outside influenced pieces for day to day operations.
So I start with Bread.
I start by making Nisu. I start by remembering to sell my goods.
Cinnamon
Salts
Premade meals to the School
Teas
Candles
Bread
From the 'Farm' (which needs a name)
Eggs from chickens
canned goods
Classes
Bread
Herbs that I grow
Plants
Infused oils
There will be a house, Where Maggie and I live. It will be beautiful, Witchy and Merlin. It will have many windows, it will feel like Home <3 br="">
There will be communal teaching/gathering space
There will be space for people to stay at the 'Farm' in the summer months to help out and apprentice or work.
There will be wood stoves in the house, workspace and guest house/space.
There will be chicken coop and fields of herbs
There will be home kitchen and Teaching Space kitchen
There will be an open fire pit area
There will be open field space
There will be wild forest
There will be a meditation spot in the forest
There will be fruit trees
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