Feeling so much better today.. Got some sleep. I think more normal sleep is what has been needed. Think I'll make it a priority. And drumming. I dummed for the first time EVER with Sarah Hart last night at the Christmas Parade, we brought the snow.. Such and amazing magical thing. There is beautiful magic in this world, and i have been reminded of it in the past day. I am in appreciation of it, and want so much more of it in each moment of my life.
yes, today, i am wonderful, magical, beautiful, calm and still. Today i am love and light, today.. i am mystery and hope.. today I am green and gold, sun and moon.. dry dusty desert wind, cold damp forest breeze..
i have added to my identity..and it is an expansion that takes time to get useto.
time to let the smooth wet edged mingle with the hot, dry sharp ones that i identify with.
like ribbons of blue on a blazing yellow sun.
I am Dawn..
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
what if theres a place..
Maggie is sleeping.. she doesn't sleep well. She talks in her sleep- she wakes up all the time. She never gets a full night rest. She was doing better for a while. Not now.. and neither am I.
I dont know how to hold myself up some times. I try so hard. Some days and most nights i want to run so far away, find some safe, warm, dark place that will comfort my searching, scared, crying soul. I try..
But when I am tired.. I cannot hold up the required walls. Things crumble all around me, I want to crumble, too...
I am scared something is wrong with Moo.. she looks so tired all the time now. She wakes up exhausted. She looks like hell. Is this a normal life for a child? Am I doing rite by her? I can beat myself to a pulp working and trying to hold us up, but is it all taking a horrid toll on her?
I am an herbalist... I should be able to help her sleep. I am an herbalist.. I should not be coughing after 3 weeks.
I don't speak my fears- I push through them. But what I really want is someone to hold me, and Help me and Love me. People say- 'Oh, you have your family here.." yea. i appreciate all of them, but in the still of the night, in the dark of the cold winter, in my quiet room, my heart is sad. I think i have suffered enough. I was beaten and abused since i was born, rejected moments after birth. I think 33 years later, after a life of abuse.. neglect.. lies and just ignorance, I deserve to be happy. I deserve secure love, emotional warmth, support, ease, and someone to count on. I deserve to know where I will be next year. I deserve to feel safe.
I am tired.. I am worn..
on this Thanksgiving night, I am only scared, tired, worn.. sad. the tears are hot tonight..
And I put up a damn good front. Because I think I have to.. But what if that is not whats true? What if what is true is a reality I cannot Imagine? Something Beautiful and Whole, where I dont have to fight each step just to keep it all together. One where I dont give a second thought to the thoughts I have when I wake up, because they are all happy? And maybe a place where I am not hesitant to dream at night.. because the dreams are pleasant.. they are beautiful reflections rather than fear based floods and lost searches..
What if?
I dont know how to hold myself up some times. I try so hard. Some days and most nights i want to run so far away, find some safe, warm, dark place that will comfort my searching, scared, crying soul. I try..
But when I am tired.. I cannot hold up the required walls. Things crumble all around me, I want to crumble, too...
I am scared something is wrong with Moo.. she looks so tired all the time now. She wakes up exhausted. She looks like hell. Is this a normal life for a child? Am I doing rite by her? I can beat myself to a pulp working and trying to hold us up, but is it all taking a horrid toll on her?
I am an herbalist... I should be able to help her sleep. I am an herbalist.. I should not be coughing after 3 weeks.
I don't speak my fears- I push through them. But what I really want is someone to hold me, and Help me and Love me. People say- 'Oh, you have your family here.." yea. i appreciate all of them, but in the still of the night, in the dark of the cold winter, in my quiet room, my heart is sad. I think i have suffered enough. I was beaten and abused since i was born, rejected moments after birth. I think 33 years later, after a life of abuse.. neglect.. lies and just ignorance, I deserve to be happy. I deserve secure love, emotional warmth, support, ease, and someone to count on. I deserve to know where I will be next year. I deserve to feel safe.
I am tired.. I am worn..
on this Thanksgiving night, I am only scared, tired, worn.. sad. the tears are hot tonight..
And I put up a damn good front. Because I think I have to.. But what if that is not whats true? What if what is true is a reality I cannot Imagine? Something Beautiful and Whole, where I dont have to fight each step just to keep it all together. One where I dont give a second thought to the thoughts I have when I wake up, because they are all happy? And maybe a place where I am not hesitant to dream at night.. because the dreams are pleasant.. they are beautiful reflections rather than fear based floods and lost searches..
What if?
Thanksgiving night
Its Thanksgiving night..
I am sitting on the couch with Maggie watching Taylor Swift on tv. We did Nisu Yesterday. Today we went to Lynette's.
I'll be going to bed soon.. alone.
Still same old complaint..
Want permanence.. want to have year after year of love, security, forever in these tradition..
*sigh* :/
I am sitting on the couch with Maggie watching Taylor Swift on tv. We did Nisu Yesterday. Today we went to Lynette's.
I'll be going to bed soon.. alone.
Still same old complaint..
Want permanence.. want to have year after year of love, security, forever in these tradition..
*sigh* :/
Monday, November 8, 2010
Love
Monday, Rainy Monday.. A good day. Im taking nutrition into my body, I have come down with the beginnings of a cold.
My heart is feeling good today. A new awareness of things has come to light from another person.
Shop is love. Have a few things need doing today.. will get to it.
Think I will rest for a few.
good day.
Love.
My heart is feeling good today. A new awareness of things has come to light from another person.
Shop is love. Have a few things need doing today.. will get to it.
Think I will rest for a few.
good day.
Love.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Im tired..
Im Tired. And Im Tired.
I can't find damn BoyBoy.. Kris let him out and hes off somewhere..
I had a long day, productive but long.
I try to fight Love, but it continually comes back.
Maggs is exhausted and Sleeping finally.
Shop will be so much better in the coming months.
I will focus more and more.
Maybe Love will be dissipated as a refocus result.
Maybe correctness will come in.
I hope so.
I don't like the game, I love the Light.
I've been having nightmares :(
I want them to stop.
Why can't I have just good dreams, maybe like any one else?
My soul is worn, I just want to cry.
I want to be held while I do so.. where is my person?
Is it that I am not complete in my own self yet to have one?
I dont want what I've had- Trophy and Obsession.
I want partner, Soul Friend, Love, Understood, Wanted, Needed.
... Im tired.
I can't find damn BoyBoy.. Kris let him out and hes off somewhere..
I had a long day, productive but long.
I try to fight Love, but it continually comes back.
Maggs is exhausted and Sleeping finally.
Shop will be so much better in the coming months.
I will focus more and more.
Maybe Love will be dissipated as a refocus result.
Maybe correctness will come in.
I hope so.
I don't like the game, I love the Light.
I've been having nightmares :(
I want them to stop.
Why can't I have just good dreams, maybe like any one else?
My soul is worn, I just want to cry.
I want to be held while I do so.. where is my person?
Is it that I am not complete in my own self yet to have one?
I dont want what I've had- Trophy and Obsession.
I want partner, Soul Friend, Love, Understood, Wanted, Needed.
... Im tired.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Letter to Seth Godin and the reconfigure of Dawn
"Seth, Youre so funny. I just signed up for the little talkie place with a stipulation of reading Tribes or Linchpin. I have to say I LOVE how you are so personal in all you do. I hate that I sometimes get scared of being fully me, I sometimes wish I could banish half the people I know and am friends with so that I wouldnt even know what they said about my 'dorkyness' in the ways I do things. Yes, I admit, a lot of people think I should come with a warning Label, because I can be rather blunt in my inquiries of people, and opinions..I ask things others are too 'polite' to ask.. (altho I am not rude, I am just very.. 'all bullshit aside') or say, but you know what, I pull from the SOUL. I brush away the surface crap, all the Plastic molding that society has created to get down to who a person really WANTS to be and interact from there.. and you know.. I'm remembered. I spark people's query. hm.
this whole email is a big round look in the mirror.. haha!!
Thank you for reitterating the art of being REAL, & genuine; Funny and caring. It's the way life and business should be. I know that there is at least, in this whole wide, wide world, ONE other person like me, who wouldn't think I'm Dorky, and may agree. ;)
~Dawnie"
SO, I have been working on reconfiguration of Me. I realized that things are not how i want them in my life, I have not been fully living my soul's light. I have been in a flat place, like a blank sheet of paper.. just laying there on the ground. I noticed I had gotten lost, just yucky standing there. So. Back on track I go.. and I am looking for much inspiration. Seth Godin so sparks that for me some days. He reminds me of being fully me. All of my life there have been people around me (many , it seems) that make fun of me for being me.. that say Im dorky, something to that effect.. and they dont really mean it. but it still eats at me some days. The way the say it, is when i do something Unique they laugh a little mockingly and a little nervous and always always say- "Dawn, you're SUCH a dork!" and i know, somewhere in them they are a bit embarrassed at my actions, because they are out there and make ppl uncomfortable, but on an equal level, they wish they could be me, and be as open as i am. I know this is true. But Lately, I have really questioned who I am because of it. My out-there ways of doing things makes me question if i am doing them good. (??) but.. then Seth steps up and does things the same way- very personal, very honest, and very him. And it reminds me that - HEY! I AM. I am and I will be and I am unique at as doing things no one else is brave enough to do, and If it leaves you an odd feeling it's because I have sparked something in you that you feared but is good. so there. haha! And I shouldnt be afraid, EVER- because people seek me out.. often. (ok, maybe once a week, but still) How many people can say that people come to them asking for soul help? I have learned enough in this lifetime so far to pass it on, and I am proud to say that i am no where near as awesome as i will be in the future. I cant WAIT to see me at 40 and 50. Im so lucky, I feel like i will be like Rosemary or Susun (more like susun) in my old age.. with a serious twist of Christine and some odd light worker. A complete hobbit witch hearth mother light house. haha! altho never complete, but i pray i can pass on UNiversals for other people's starts. which i am already doing. what sparks my soul is the vision boards and the the gratitude journals. I, myself, use both, and LOVE them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. I truly believe them. And I want to continue working with them and teaching others about them.
yay. I feel good.
and thats what is for me.. Feel Good. <3
this whole email is a big round look in the mirror.. haha!!
Thank you for reitterating the art of being REAL, & genuine; Funny and caring. It's the way life and business should be. I know that there is at least, in this whole wide, wide world, ONE other person like me, who wouldn't think I'm Dorky, and may agree. ;)
~Dawnie"
SO, I have been working on reconfiguration of Me. I realized that things are not how i want them in my life, I have not been fully living my soul's light. I have been in a flat place, like a blank sheet of paper.. just laying there on the ground. I noticed I had gotten lost, just yucky standing there. So. Back on track I go.. and I am looking for much inspiration. Seth Godin so sparks that for me some days. He reminds me of being fully me. All of my life there have been people around me (many , it seems) that make fun of me for being me.. that say Im dorky, something to that effect.. and they dont really mean it. but it still eats at me some days. The way the say it, is when i do something Unique they laugh a little mockingly and a little nervous and always always say- "Dawn, you're SUCH a dork!" and i know, somewhere in them they are a bit embarrassed at my actions, because they are out there and make ppl uncomfortable, but on an equal level, they wish they could be me, and be as open as i am. I know this is true. But Lately, I have really questioned who I am because of it. My out-there ways of doing things makes me question if i am doing them good. (??) but.. then Seth steps up and does things the same way- very personal, very honest, and very him. And it reminds me that - HEY! I AM. I am and I will be and I am unique at as doing things no one else is brave enough to do, and If it leaves you an odd feeling it's because I have sparked something in you that you feared but is good. so there. haha! And I shouldnt be afraid, EVER- because people seek me out.. often. (ok, maybe once a week, but still) How many people can say that people come to them asking for soul help? I have learned enough in this lifetime so far to pass it on, and I am proud to say that i am no where near as awesome as i will be in the future. I cant WAIT to see me at 40 and 50. Im so lucky, I feel like i will be like Rosemary or Susun (more like susun) in my old age.. with a serious twist of Christine and some odd light worker. A complete hobbit witch hearth mother light house. haha! altho never complete, but i pray i can pass on UNiversals for other people's starts. which i am already doing. what sparks my soul is the vision boards and the the gratitude journals. I, myself, use both, and LOVE them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. I truly believe them. And I want to continue working with them and teaching others about them.
yay. I feel good.
and thats what is for me.. Feel Good. <3
Saturday, October 30, 2010
day's worth..
Well.. today was our First ever Halloween Costume Parade. The Sun Moon Stars Clan came down, and we brought along some random people we found along the way! Seems kind of silly, such a small random group of people and kids.. in tired-state im feeling a bit like a dork, doing something so small and dweeby.. but you know - everything has to start somewhere.
Tomorrow we have Pumpkin Carving for the kids and adults alike...
wow, all of a sudden im exhausted. all i can say is that.. i feel like a dork but i have to push though it and keep going cause Val said so..ok, well, the card said so. :) keep on with the dream!!
Oh, and I am so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful people that support me so much. I am so grateful People keep coming back and believe in the dream.. i am so grateful for my friends and family. thank you so SO so very much.
Tomorrow we have Pumpkin Carving for the kids and adults alike...
wow, all of a sudden im exhausted. all i can say is that.. i feel like a dork but i have to push though it and keep going cause Val said so..ok, well, the card said so. :) keep on with the dream!!
Oh, and I am so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful people that support me so much. I am so grateful People keep coming back and believe in the dream.. i am so grateful for my friends and family. thank you so SO so very much.
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