wow. Tonight I found a FB Page called All Things Rush. Man I forget sometimes, I get so lost and forget my soul. and then BAM it hits me. Fuck all this stupid boring 'adult' shit. I remember my spirit center. Thank Ged Its Back. Now- Keep the damn thing.
Love to spend the night in Zion....like a lover's wings to fly on...
Yes!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
ive never wanted my mommy so bad in my life, but i dont want to burden her with my sadness, she has so much of her own... My sister died, My only little sister. Life will never be the same. I am very uncertain in a lot of ways. I dont know what to do.
My soul family, my solace is missing a piece. Home, The greatest place on earth- the Poole Place, my longing and beauty of Moon-rising-from-earth is incomplete. There is a cold wind blowing form the south, hoist a sail, and we'll be gone.. by morning this will all seem like a dream....
*crumples to the floor*
My soul family, my solace is missing a piece. Home, The greatest place on earth- the Poole Place, my longing and beauty of Moon-rising-from-earth is incomplete. There is a cold wind blowing form the south, hoist a sail, and we'll be gone.. by morning this will all seem like a dream....
*crumples to the floor*
Sunday, June 10, 2012
balrgh
okay, so maybe it's the huge emotion of having a bog day, maybe I'm picking up something weird, Maybe the stress and fear have me tonight, but i am living on mustard FE, and need a boost. im sleepy and need to come out of the little funk i am in atm.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Thoughts Becoming Things
Don't Tell People your Dreams- Show them.
Saw this on a Pintrest Board. Im Tired tonight, so this may be short.. or long. who knows.
First off, Pintrest. What in innovative way to do things. That is the new FaceBook. Wonder if Seth Godin has talked about them yet. They certainly are outside the even not-dremaed-up-yet box. Set a new standard and a whole new culture why dont you?
any ways. Show them.
Hm. I have been doing more things lately. Not thinking, just doing. I have thought for a while, and thought about what I want. I have set the ground layers in Gratitude and Visualizations, and now I am stepping through the doors as they open. One place in Epping wants to carry my products, I am teaching 6+ people in Somersworth tomorrow, and scheduled to teach twice more in this month. I have been asked for product for a small place across the way, and I have put new product in the shop. I am really looking forward to my future now. I was not like this 2 weeks ago. A lot has changed for me, and wow! So much the better!
I am in appreciation of it all, and I am taking the opportunities handed to me. I am grateful to be able to see them, brave enough to take them, and solid enough to work them and see them to fruition! I am Grateful to be solid.
Well, thats all.
Gn Big Big WOrld.
Saw this on a Pintrest Board. Im Tired tonight, so this may be short.. or long. who knows.
First off, Pintrest. What in innovative way to do things. That is the new FaceBook. Wonder if Seth Godin has talked about them yet. They certainly are outside the even not-dremaed-up-yet box. Set a new standard and a whole new culture why dont you?
any ways. Show them.
Hm. I have been doing more things lately. Not thinking, just doing. I have thought for a while, and thought about what I want. I have set the ground layers in Gratitude and Visualizations, and now I am stepping through the doors as they open. One place in Epping wants to carry my products, I am teaching 6+ people in Somersworth tomorrow, and scheduled to teach twice more in this month. I have been asked for product for a small place across the way, and I have put new product in the shop. I am really looking forward to my future now. I was not like this 2 weeks ago. A lot has changed for me, and wow! So much the better!
I am in appreciation of it all, and I am taking the opportunities handed to me. I am grateful to be able to see them, brave enough to take them, and solid enough to work them and see them to fruition! I am Grateful to be solid.
Well, thats all.
Gn Big Big WOrld.
Friday, June 8, 2012
set point of tweed & beautiful Abundance in Life.
Read something VERY interesting, and thought Provoking this morning-
..."I would look for insurmountable odds in my work challenges because they seemed so insignificant compared to what I had survived in my early life."
... oooh so that's it. I think I get it. *sigh* OK, so that's why I do what I do.
Things when I was young-
We were very poor, My mother worked all the time, we were on state aid, We had a house but lost it. There were extreme odds against my single mother. I watched her, and learned. I lived the Life and took it as what was for me, what I was.
By age 16, I did everything on my own, and survived. I had to learn to 'make-do' with what I had, always finding creative solutions to things.
The Main thing is that I was always in a 'poor' state. We had an okay home life, I loved being at the river, but there was always the 'we don't have' factor. We could never afford anything, never could have new or good things. I always had used or hand-me-downs. We always ate second rate foods, and at one time, dumpster-dived for months. (maybe years). I remember going behind the groceries to find the stuff they would throw out with my mom and grandma.
And I survived.
I survived my mother's abuse. I survived living in an adobe with no water, no bathroom. I made due when I had to.
So now, knowing how to do so, my set point is still there- I have that extreme. I have to go so very very low, because I know I can survive it. It's like having extreme odds to fight, To rise above. Its making a set-point of adrenaline to rise to, to a maximum amount of thrill, a maximum amount of hardship to show-up. Something to have others look at in my wake and go- wow!! 'She overcame that- WOW! look where she came from, the odds that were stacked against her and she pulled through! She came from so much of nothing and made so much out of her self.' But I am already there- I have already beaten the odds- I am not an addict, I do not abuse my child, I do not live in the slums or projects.
It's Almost Ego. It's almost that I have to show the world how good I can be so that I can laugh in the faces of those 5th grade girls that laughed at me, or that person who asked me if I smoked because I reeked like my mother (when I have always found smoking vile). Its as if I feel the need to show the world I can come back from the brink, that I am so strong, so good. But I already have.
So What is this? Just a set-point I learned.
Nothing compares to where I have been, so I have been keeping myself there, at that extreme. I am constantly looking for that Lowest-of-Lows to climb out of challenge, putting myself in negative situations where I am the underdog, behind or in lack, always where I have to overcome extreme odds to make things happen. I have to stress, work very hard and 'just barely make it' when I do anything, because that is what I learned. I even do it with Maggie's school. I wait until the very last minute, I finagle everything and nothing is 'normal'. I know I can survive the worst conditions, and live low, but do I have to? No. Do I have to have assistance? Do I have to never buy new shirts and constantly worry about rent or lack there-of? No, but I do. Why? Because I have been where there is nothing, and survived. Its an extreme, it's how I get my fix and validate myself. I have been to some of the lowest lows, I have seen my mother crawl out of a tent after months of living on the river calling my name, I have seen garbage piled in rooms of my own home. I have made sure my brother could eat when we had absolutely no money, and I made things happen. I lived in constant crisis mode, but do I have to now? No. I am 35. I have my own business, and a 6 Year Old Daughter. I am ahead of the game in so many ways. I live in the land of opportunity, and I want to thrive, not just survive. I want my fixes to come from the comfort and joy I live in, I want my validation to come at the end of the day when I am tired from having a great day full of ease and plenty.
My set-point has always been strife and poverty. It is where I came from, what I learned, and what I know how to survive in. But, I need a new Set-Point. One of tweed skirts in the fall, bank accounts with high balances, money put aside for Maggie's college, and a clean home. (my home is clean, but cluttered) I want and need a new set-point of not doing things at the last minute in crisis mode. I do not and no longer need to live on the edge barely staying above water while constantly drowning. I want a set point of being wonderful and comfortable. I don't need the crisis mode adrenaline. I have been living what I learned, I see. And now that I see it, how do I change it? Work to leave it all behind, and be able to DO the math. I am a smart girl, I can do math, my mother is the one who told me I couldn't. But I was in the gifted program so I am talented, I am gifted, I do know how to have creative solutions to situations. I am an amazing thinker. I like to say I wanted to be paid for my ideas.
I also think I have an issue with guilt. I do not want to seem greedy, I do not want to be materialistic. I do not want to have so much while others have so little. But there is the great paradigm. I am not living in Africa, Afghanistan or China. I live in the USA, this is the place I was born into.
I remember seeing the girls in school with their nice clothes, and their parents making money to buy them things. I felt so belittled by them. I remember once getting new clothes, I was so dazzled by them, they were yellow. I was on top of the world! Now, in my life, I have a pull of materialistic guilt. I do not want to have so much when there are those who have little. I have to understand that I live in America, and that by living my own life well, I set an example for those around me and I can help those who need. (Back to the Ego set-point of - 'she did it!' however, in this way, it is more that I would like to show that anyone can 'do it'.) I can share what I have, if I choose. I will never be ugly and greedy, and I don't need to have an aversion to wealth just because the girls in my 5th grade class had it so good and i was belittled. It all goes back to 5th grade. Victoria, Lisa, and Amber. Making fun of me, and then I got new clothes, and I was going to show them!
Now, one is a single mom, one is a drug addict and I don't know where the other is. But, that is a set-point. The guilt and the not-having. I was shamed and ridiculed. And that caused a less-than set-point. A set point of being less-than. Never rising above those things that I cannot have, always staying in that mode. Living what I was told, when what I was told is untrue.
First, I need to be able to break out of this learned way of being, this crisis set-point where everything HAS to be an issue, where I have never been good enough. Because that is what I have made my life. Crisis. All the time. Everything is last minute, everything is less-than. I have done most things half-ass, because somewhere I have thought I need that lack. I am always late, I wear hole-filled, stained shirts because I think I can't have better. I keep myself in the poverty cycle even though I have immense opportunities to be different. I can be beautiful, I do have time to shower, I can make money at what I love, I can have a clean, upscale life where my home is in order and the floors are clean and there aren't boxes and bags all over. I don't have to use up the things people give me instead of buying new things for myself. its a set-point.
Become something new.
Know that just because I survived the harsh childhood I had (by American Standards) does not mean I have to stay in lack, crisis and a low set-point.
I can Do good, Live well, and Prosper & Thrive.
So. That's interesting, huh? I want to read and re-read this statement until it fully sinks in and it starts to change. My stasis tried to numb it out, and I don't want it to, I want the change.
Me. Tweed. Today. ;)
..."I would look for insurmountable odds in my work challenges because they seemed so insignificant compared to what I had survived in my early life."
... oooh so that's it. I think I get it. *sigh* OK, so that's why I do what I do.
Things when I was young-
We were very poor, My mother worked all the time, we were on state aid, We had a house but lost it. There were extreme odds against my single mother. I watched her, and learned. I lived the Life and took it as what was for me, what I was.
By age 16, I did everything on my own, and survived. I had to learn to 'make-do' with what I had, always finding creative solutions to things.
The Main thing is that I was always in a 'poor' state. We had an okay home life, I loved being at the river, but there was always the 'we don't have' factor. We could never afford anything, never could have new or good things. I always had used or hand-me-downs. We always ate second rate foods, and at one time, dumpster-dived for months. (maybe years). I remember going behind the groceries to find the stuff they would throw out with my mom and grandma.
And I survived.
I survived my mother's abuse. I survived living in an adobe with no water, no bathroom. I made due when I had to.
So now, knowing how to do so, my set point is still there- I have that extreme. I have to go so very very low, because I know I can survive it. It's like having extreme odds to fight, To rise above. Its making a set-point of adrenaline to rise to, to a maximum amount of thrill, a maximum amount of hardship to show-up. Something to have others look at in my wake and go- wow!! 'She overcame that- WOW! look where she came from, the odds that were stacked against her and she pulled through! She came from so much of nothing and made so much out of her self.' But I am already there- I have already beaten the odds- I am not an addict, I do not abuse my child, I do not live in the slums or projects.
It's Almost Ego. It's almost that I have to show the world how good I can be so that I can laugh in the faces of those 5th grade girls that laughed at me, or that person who asked me if I smoked because I reeked like my mother (when I have always found smoking vile). Its as if I feel the need to show the world I can come back from the brink, that I am so strong, so good. But I already have.
So What is this? Just a set-point I learned.
Nothing compares to where I have been, so I have been keeping myself there, at that extreme. I am constantly looking for that Lowest-of-Lows to climb out of challenge, putting myself in negative situations where I am the underdog, behind or in lack, always where I have to overcome extreme odds to make things happen. I have to stress, work very hard and 'just barely make it' when I do anything, because that is what I learned. I even do it with Maggie's school. I wait until the very last minute, I finagle everything and nothing is 'normal'. I know I can survive the worst conditions, and live low, but do I have to? No. Do I have to have assistance? Do I have to never buy new shirts and constantly worry about rent or lack there-of? No, but I do. Why? Because I have been where there is nothing, and survived. Its an extreme, it's how I get my fix and validate myself. I have been to some of the lowest lows, I have seen my mother crawl out of a tent after months of living on the river calling my name, I have seen garbage piled in rooms of my own home. I have made sure my brother could eat when we had absolutely no money, and I made things happen. I lived in constant crisis mode, but do I have to now? No. I am 35. I have my own business, and a 6 Year Old Daughter. I am ahead of the game in so many ways. I live in the land of opportunity, and I want to thrive, not just survive. I want my fixes to come from the comfort and joy I live in, I want my validation to come at the end of the day when I am tired from having a great day full of ease and plenty.
My set-point has always been strife and poverty. It is where I came from, what I learned, and what I know how to survive in. But, I need a new Set-Point. One of tweed skirts in the fall, bank accounts with high balances, money put aside for Maggie's college, and a clean home. (my home is clean, but cluttered) I want and need a new set-point of not doing things at the last minute in crisis mode. I do not and no longer need to live on the edge barely staying above water while constantly drowning. I want a set point of being wonderful and comfortable. I don't need the crisis mode adrenaline. I have been living what I learned, I see. And now that I see it, how do I change it? Work to leave it all behind, and be able to DO the math. I am a smart girl, I can do math, my mother is the one who told me I couldn't. But I was in the gifted program so I am talented, I am gifted, I do know how to have creative solutions to situations. I am an amazing thinker. I like to say I wanted to be paid for my ideas.
I also think I have an issue with guilt. I do not want to seem greedy, I do not want to be materialistic. I do not want to have so much while others have so little. But there is the great paradigm. I am not living in Africa, Afghanistan or China. I live in the USA, this is the place I was born into.
I remember seeing the girls in school with their nice clothes, and their parents making money to buy them things. I felt so belittled by them. I remember once getting new clothes, I was so dazzled by them, they were yellow. I was on top of the world! Now, in my life, I have a pull of materialistic guilt. I do not want to have so much when there are those who have little. I have to understand that I live in America, and that by living my own life well, I set an example for those around me and I can help those who need. (Back to the Ego set-point of - 'she did it!' however, in this way, it is more that I would like to show that anyone can 'do it'.) I can share what I have, if I choose. I will never be ugly and greedy, and I don't need to have an aversion to wealth just because the girls in my 5th grade class had it so good and i was belittled. It all goes back to 5th grade. Victoria, Lisa, and Amber. Making fun of me, and then I got new clothes, and I was going to show them!
Now, one is a single mom, one is a drug addict and I don't know where the other is. But, that is a set-point. The guilt and the not-having. I was shamed and ridiculed. And that caused a less-than set-point. A set point of being less-than. Never rising above those things that I cannot have, always staying in that mode. Living what I was told, when what I was told is untrue.
First, I need to be able to break out of this learned way of being, this crisis set-point where everything HAS to be an issue, where I have never been good enough. Because that is what I have made my life. Crisis. All the time. Everything is last minute, everything is less-than. I have done most things half-ass, because somewhere I have thought I need that lack. I am always late, I wear hole-filled, stained shirts because I think I can't have better. I keep myself in the poverty cycle even though I have immense opportunities to be different. I can be beautiful, I do have time to shower, I can make money at what I love, I can have a clean, upscale life where my home is in order and the floors are clean and there aren't boxes and bags all over. I don't have to use up the things people give me instead of buying new things for myself. its a set-point.
Become something new.
Know that just because I survived the harsh childhood I had (by American Standards) does not mean I have to stay in lack, crisis and a low set-point.
I can Do good, Live well, and Prosper & Thrive.
So. That's interesting, huh? I want to read and re-read this statement until it fully sinks in and it starts to change. My stasis tried to numb it out, and I don't want it to, I want the change.
Me. Tweed. Today. ;)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
...those times when you cannot seem to center, and all you can see around you is the dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty litter box, unmade beds and clothes on the floor. Yea, thats now. ...and I have to finish the shop asap. (and then do the back room which is hell)
.....wheres my fairy goddessmother to wave her wand and have it all done? ...or a cleaning service at the least.
.....wheres my fairy goddessmother to wave her wand and have it all done? ...or a cleaning service at the least.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Rainy Monday and Light
Supposed to be at school at Christine's today.. but instead, here I sit feeling guilty for staying home. I have a head cold that has been rather ugly. What am I doing about it? Trying to ignore it. Drinking Fire Cider.. and coffee. Ugh.
Whatever.
Lets start on thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts...
Manifest creations.
My Study is where I love to be. I think I could be perfectly content sitting at my desk in the window, researching all day. I love the feel of my personal space. The wooden shelving in the hutches that hold the array of books, the candles, the carafes of rain water, colored pens, photos of gods/icons, knives of various kinds, lush curtains and fabrics. All confined in a small room that I also sleep in. But I love being here. One day I will live in a cottage, work from home, concocting for people while they sit in such a room. I will have my work area set up like this, one of a kind place, a place like no other, where people will step INTO the Magic of this process and experience with me. If only for a brief moment.
My shop now is sort of this way... but could be so much more this way. eh, whatever.
I realized yesterday, upon coming home for the Renn Faire what a Special Place my shop truly is. I walked in and it was so magical, even in it's quiet state, with no one but the cat and I, it seems so beautiful. My work is not of this modern-american drone society, rather my work pulls people FROM that world, into one of connection. My job is to help people remember who they are at the core, what they wanted to be when they were little. We loose so much of this in our day to day lives, and people are so afraid to look at it, for fear of all they have built shattering and crumbling to the ground. The truth of the matter is that what was built, so many times, was built on false pretenses. Dreams built on fear of rejection, of failure- instead of dreams built on true Soul. Soul's longing knows what is rite for you, rite for us all. I am finding that more and more these days. I know for sure it is why I love being in my study so much. Here I am in the flow of Knowledge, I am in the feel of the Magic of my own Life. Here, I am inspired, I know what I want to do, Who I want to be, and it reminds me so much of what is to come. Being here helps me to see clearly what I can do to actualize and life the dreams I hold. How I can mold all of this creativity and connection into physical daily living.
Once, i asked the question, and set forth the intention- How do I? I want to Live the Magical Side every day in my life, I want to integrate all of the things I know to be true, all of the Soul-work and all of the tools I have into every day society- HOW? I am learning how. I am learning and seeing what to do. Seems so far out of the box, i am sure to some, but to me- Living the Magic every day is a beautiful correct way for me to be, and it will help so many along my path. So many people (mostly adults) have lost their spark- they have let 'money' drive them, society tell them what to be, parent's dreams be their dreams instead of having their own. This is where my Magic and Knowledge step in - to hand back to people what once was theirs.
When I was younger, I remember knowing that I was a collector of souls. I didn't really know what the meant- I only knew it was who I am. At the time, People my age would flock to me for my 'light' for the sparkle they saw in me, and wanted to be within themselves. I thought that those events had something to do with it. I was correct. But not in the way i had seen it then. Being a collector of souls is not something of selfishness- I am not collecting things for my own use. It is completely the opposite, I am a guide for others to help them in the collection of their OWN souls- to retrieve what was lost, their own sense of self, their own dreams, aspirations and goals. I am here to be a light in the dark, to live and lead by example. I am a teacher of Infinite Possibilities. I have never seen the side of 'I can't' I always have known that if there is the will, there is a way. It is always that, Always.
In growing, and reading, and learning over the past years, I have gained the physical tools (which aren't physical at ALL) to be able to help others to see their potential and live what they desire. It is all choices.
When all of this started to come to my attention in the forefront, (age 16... even though so much magic happened before then as well!!) I had no words for all of this. I didnt know HOW to tell people of this Magic of life- the infinite Possibilities of their existence. I would wander around saying 'I AM- and YOU are...' My friends thought I was pretty crazy. ...I suppose People STILL think I am pretty crazy. And It's ok, Lead by Example... BE crazy, BE wild, BE life, BE love! BE all the amazing things you EVER wished to be, there is nothing stopping you. EVER.
wow, this entry is long. I guess I just wish to say, I love the Merlyn-izing I ma going through, I love the Learning, The Magical Life I lead, The love I have and the People in it. I am granted with a gift- and I pray to work with it to the best of my abilities for my whole of Life. I hope to inspire and teach, to light ways and lay soft bedding for those to fall.
I am blessed, and I am grateful for it.
Whatever.
Lets start on thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts...
Manifest creations.
My Study is where I love to be. I think I could be perfectly content sitting at my desk in the window, researching all day. I love the feel of my personal space. The wooden shelving in the hutches that hold the array of books, the candles, the carafes of rain water, colored pens, photos of gods/icons, knives of various kinds, lush curtains and fabrics. All confined in a small room that I also sleep in. But I love being here. One day I will live in a cottage, work from home, concocting for people while they sit in such a room. I will have my work area set up like this, one of a kind place, a place like no other, where people will step INTO the Magic of this process and experience with me. If only for a brief moment.
My shop now is sort of this way... but could be so much more this way. eh, whatever.
I realized yesterday, upon coming home for the Renn Faire what a Special Place my shop truly is. I walked in and it was so magical, even in it's quiet state, with no one but the cat and I, it seems so beautiful. My work is not of this modern-american drone society, rather my work pulls people FROM that world, into one of connection. My job is to help people remember who they are at the core, what they wanted to be when they were little. We loose so much of this in our day to day lives, and people are so afraid to look at it, for fear of all they have built shattering and crumbling to the ground. The truth of the matter is that what was built, so many times, was built on false pretenses. Dreams built on fear of rejection, of failure- instead of dreams built on true Soul. Soul's longing knows what is rite for you, rite for us all. I am finding that more and more these days. I know for sure it is why I love being in my study so much. Here I am in the flow of Knowledge, I am in the feel of the Magic of my own Life. Here, I am inspired, I know what I want to do, Who I want to be, and it reminds me so much of what is to come. Being here helps me to see clearly what I can do to actualize and life the dreams I hold. How I can mold all of this creativity and connection into physical daily living.
Once, i asked the question, and set forth the intention- How do I? I want to Live the Magical Side every day in my life, I want to integrate all of the things I know to be true, all of the Soul-work and all of the tools I have into every day society- HOW? I am learning how. I am learning and seeing what to do. Seems so far out of the box, i am sure to some, but to me- Living the Magic every day is a beautiful correct way for me to be, and it will help so many along my path. So many people (mostly adults) have lost their spark- they have let 'money' drive them, society tell them what to be, parent's dreams be their dreams instead of having their own. This is where my Magic and Knowledge step in - to hand back to people what once was theirs.
When I was younger, I remember knowing that I was a collector of souls. I didn't really know what the meant- I only knew it was who I am. At the time, People my age would flock to me for my 'light' for the sparkle they saw in me, and wanted to be within themselves. I thought that those events had something to do with it. I was correct. But not in the way i had seen it then. Being a collector of souls is not something of selfishness- I am not collecting things for my own use. It is completely the opposite, I am a guide for others to help them in the collection of their OWN souls- to retrieve what was lost, their own sense of self, their own dreams, aspirations and goals. I am here to be a light in the dark, to live and lead by example. I am a teacher of Infinite Possibilities. I have never seen the side of 'I can't' I always have known that if there is the will, there is a way. It is always that, Always.
In growing, and reading, and learning over the past years, I have gained the physical tools (which aren't physical at ALL) to be able to help others to see their potential and live what they desire. It is all choices.
When all of this started to come to my attention in the forefront, (age 16... even though so much magic happened before then as well!!) I had no words for all of this. I didnt know HOW to tell people of this Magic of life- the infinite Possibilities of their existence. I would wander around saying 'I AM- and YOU are...' My friends thought I was pretty crazy. ...I suppose People STILL think I am pretty crazy. And It's ok, Lead by Example... BE crazy, BE wild, BE life, BE love! BE all the amazing things you EVER wished to be, there is nothing stopping you. EVER.
wow, this entry is long. I guess I just wish to say, I love the Merlyn-izing I ma going through, I love the Learning, The Magical Life I lead, The love I have and the People in it. I am granted with a gift- and I pray to work with it to the best of my abilities for my whole of Life. I hope to inspire and teach, to light ways and lay soft bedding for those to fall.
I am blessed, and I am grateful for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)