:/

Dave Matthews Band is keeping me company this afternoon...
I am a little low after not getting to go on a fun trip with family.
All because of time and details...
trying to just keep moving forward with major distractions.
*sigh*

Hericots Vert.

There really is nothing like having a meal from your garden..beautiful, fresh food grown by my own hands. I love to garden, I love to bring beautiful things from seed again to seed. It is good for my soul to harvest the fruits of my labor, no matter how large or small- it truly is one of my favorite things I can do.

Things are looking better with the cooler weather. Hot weather here in New England is oppressive, and makes everything miserable. Of course.. I love Autumn, I feel as though my soul truly sings then.

I am feeling better and better every day. Sure there are things that COULD make me unhappy- but I am diverting my attention to the things that TRULY make me happy, I am taking the little steps, continuing to knock on doors (thx Mike Dooley) and just keep going. This is my life.

Well.. omelet and pan roasted beans call...

Autumn Heart

I am doing my morning Reading... so many inspiring pieces in this morning to think on...
I come across this-
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May…”

and it makes me think about love and How I perceive it,
My little ditty goes more like-

"My heart for you is like the most beautiful Autumn..
Colors so vibrant and lovely it brings tears, 
Traditions as round and orange as the ripe fruits.
Your warm embrace making the beauty of the chilled winds shine.
Settling in for coming winter we deliciously soak up the Long Golden Rays..."

My way of being is so different from others, so deep and lush. Not typical of the people around me. I feel things in texture, color, warmth..
I am very much looking forward to my future. I am working every day to manifest my heart's good.
Regardless of the bad days.
I can always see me sitting on the steps of that home, in that cool Autumn evening, Looking out into the fog.
I am doing what I can, and Making things as I want them, and Pushing the envelope. I know what Is for Me By How it FEELS.
It's quite something to see.  Work isn't Work in this.. it is beautiful Good Flow and Receiving.
Onward!

and then theres always that....

Lump in my chest. Like my heart is contracting and suffocating me. Like A pull that I cannot find. Like watching the bottom fall out from under my feet.
And I want to crawl away until I feel better.
I miss the highs. I miss the ease and comfort.
I miss the blissful unawareness.
Its a gaping hole rite through the middle of me. And I cannot fill it, It gets harder and harder every day to find some sort of inspiration. Something to spark the imagination and creativity. No amount of gratefuls or inspiring quotes closes the gap, fills the space, ignites the warmth.
And a face I must wear.
This outer thing that shows the light I miss, that gives away thing I do not have. Things lost in giving too much.
I need a break, I need a refuel, I need to refill.
And I do not know how.
I want to be away... and quiet... to lay face down in the soft earth, smelling the soil until I regain some sort of composure.
I want to lay under the open sky and let the passing cloud remove the ache and emptiness like a dementor's kiss pulling it all away...

I know I need this contrast to allow me to do my work here on this plane. But, this time in down is so much deeper than the rest.
Please pass by quickly... lest I loose my way.

“There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting.” - Anne of Green Gables

There are Blue Jays outside calling... missed them and the Ravens

I always wonders who besides K reads these... and I cringe.
I whine, throw fits, scream, day dream and totally must sound like a lunatic. but... it happens I suppose.
I have been getting more sleep lately - which I LOVE (well the past few nights anyways).
I 'broke it off' with Mike.. I just couldn't do it anymore. Never being connected to the person you sleep next to, share a life with.. it just felt so... brambly all the time. And it's not fair, not fair to either of us to not have fullness in this life- laughter, joy, love, connection... it just has never really been there. It was fun at first, with the fantastic daydreams of Valkyrie and Viking, Ren Faires and Woodstoves. But anyone can have that. When it came to Soul Lodge and Quiet time.. we have always been in opposite, far off places... and that gets distantly irritating after a while.
So, the Universe threw some monkey wrenches and said- MAKE A DAMN MOVE! So I did. Lest I become my own mother... and I was. And that is instant death.
So I changed.
Then there is the whole Pat thing.. but that stays what it is, and that is okay.
Because There's Me. Me, who is sleeping more, not getting woken up 5 times a night. Me, who has the threads of her soul reeled in, breathing well and working on her goals. Me.
Coffee, Vivaldi, Candle, Child.
Yes.. Me.
I have been busting my arse every day to get my business going, I write emails, think new strategies into existence, take and fill orders, make product, look for outlets. I am totally grateful for the opportunity I have at the moment. I Love being given back to, in monetary exchange. I am working for that, in good ways.

Yesterday I had a meeting with Marci from the Herbal Path... and they are buying my products Whole Sale to sell!! Ohhhh Myyy Gosssh! This, This is HUGE for me! I have waited for this for YEARS and YEARS!! I never thought my stuff would be good enough,but now it is! Amazing, wonderful, happy me! what a Huge step! Grateful!
so... that is my goodness. Sleep, accomplishments, seeing life go better. *sigh* yay. Thanks Universe.

Friday

Morning, need some quiet, center.. flow. Waking up this way every day is no good.

Out of the corner of a Camera Eye...

....We catch things. 

There are some things that wrench the heart more than others. 

Those you ran from, cursed, wanted to cease to exist for the fear and pain. 

And then.. everything changes... and all you can do is stare. 

...and try to breathe....

Elephants and Orange Juice and Heros.