“If you swim effortlessly in the deep oceans, ride the waves to and from the shore, if you can breathe under water and dine on the deep treasures of the seas; mark my words, those who dwell on the rocks carrying nets will try to reel you into their catch. The last thing they want is for you to thrive in your habitat because they stand in their atmosphere where they beg and gasp for some air.”
~C. JoyBell C.

Grow

"Grow up" they said- get real 

There is no growing up, there is merely growing, there is only gaining experience. 

"Growing up" is a fallacy created by soccer moms in suburbia to measure keeping up with the joneses. This is the Wild. This is where the sun and moon rise for the whole of the Universe. This place of souls and wind will always keep me young and filled with awe.  

Grow up. Plants grow up- towards the sun. Which is only outward toward the universe, against the gravitational pull, expansion in being. There is no 'grow up'.  

There is only grow. 

So no, I shall not. 

setpoints and change.

So,  I sit here with my Sister... my sister but not my sister. And I am grateful. We do life things.. laundry, dishes, grocery. The normal things. Things that for so long I have wanted to do. And again, I am grateful. She even refills the coffee pot when she empties it.
This is what 'normal' feels like.
It is good for me to be learning. It is good to have these experiences. They may be small, they may seem trivial... but to me they mean a lot. Talking, Agreeing, Being a family. It is so good to learn.
I know it is something that is helping me, because my emotional and spiritual setpoint will adjust to it, and it will be a 'norm' for me.
And then I hope to not go back to things that are unhealthy for me.
It's interesting....
and Good.
and here comes the Holiday.

so grateful.

It's interesting, what's important to people... the little things that mean so much. My sister bought a Pyrex Measuring cup the other day, and you would have thought it was the biggest act of rebellion and greatest gift for herself. Made me laugh. I understand where she was coming from....
We are here, in Arizona. There is a wind today that is neither warm nor frozen. I am glad for it... I am glad to be in a land of nonexcess. (well, until Summer I suppose.. but I am okay with that part). Pieces parts are familliar, memory sparks from an adult perspective and then the emotion surrounding things change.
Healing ensues.
I have a hard time with looking back at NH. I have had to make it a point to not see images of my old home, of my old belongings. It was said that this was the same to a friend, our move, as her divorce.... And I have to say, it strangely is that for me as well. It feels like when I left Shane for NH. Knowing all the things that I built for so long I had left behind. Not being able to see or hear about my old house because my things were there, being used by people I didnt know. Resentment filled any space that was left in that old home.. which is now here, in this Valley...
But in time, it faded, after 13 years, I don't remember.. because I built new memories, acquired new things.
I will do that again. My gypsy cave, my artist lair, my WildDen will be rebuilt.. but in a Merlin Fashion. The only missing element of the past. I will have our own home, where hurt and anger and resentment do not reside. Where silliness abounds, like it does now. Where family, and Holidays and Tradition are of utmost importance - as they are here and now, and will never leave again.

It has taken me a bit to readjust to this new life, a life that is actually my own true level of comfort. It is like stepping back into a pair of my favorite comfortable shoes. This is the life I remember, This is how  I was programmed, this is the good stuff. The silly daily life of christmas lights and counters needing to be cleared. The running kids to school and whats for dinner comforts.
I am so very grateful to be living this life, a normal life, a comforting, fitting life...
My soul is calm, and my heart no longer aches or has static.
Its new, and it's good.
And I am so grateful....

Dec One.

So, on this 1st of December (despite the calendar being a man-made thing...) I am thinking about where I AM and what that means. I am home.. I have waited many, many years to be here. It was never 'time' before, regardless of my longing, the signs were never pointing this way. (but I always knew I would come back). I am grateful for the time away, I would never have been able to sustain here, had skills to share or a support system so strong. I feel I did what I could in NH, I made amazing bonds, had brilliant experiences and expanded my world more than I ever knew was possible. None of that would have happened in this little Valley. And now... I am glad to quietly share what I have learned in ways useful to others, sing love songs to this place, and laugh with my family daily in Joy.. Yes. Life is good, and I am grateful.

Moon....

So, here I sit. Under my desert sky... stars and moon.. wide.
A new self, with old ghosts.
Fears that tug at the back of my chest reminding me of where I was, and the gift of now.
grown.
aged.
distracted.
given.

Grateful and Clear

there are things I want to say.. things I want to prepare for that should be screamed from soul. things to give back and let loose.
Things about younger years, of pain, tears, hopes and joys. things about unknowing, and trust. Things confused and things seen clear. Gratitudes and deliverances. Gifts to be given as acknowledgements, questions to be answered.

I look forward to the time when I can sit and refuel my soul through caliche dust breeze and clear air sun. Times of fingers in white earth tracing away the stories, allowing the darkness to be drawn from their tips.
... time away from this magical place did that...

I am back to a place where things have no name, where all reality is soul reality. Where the I AM is all there is. I am back to ground so holy and so sacred, where water runs clear and skies go on for ever. There is something novel in the things I always rebelled against in years past.. something humblingly touching.... something precious.

I am curious to watch the night sky spin it's course.. to greet the morning sky with a smile.

This land is my land. I am of it's spine colored self and its open ended ever-ness. I am here to regain my footing in my own self, to practice being beautiful, to sing songs of soul to monsoon and mesquite.

I am here to learn to love openly to spread my soul-arms wide and feel the pulse of the rushing water. I am here to teach my future generation to breathe the harmony of this land, to know it's cycles and turns.
I am here to reconnect and re-member.

And in these easy shoes I walk...

Old and New

As some have said, moving has taken a lot of courage.
Or maybe something else.
Maybe a shut-down.

I haven't allowed myself to feel about moving because it is sad and hurting as much as it is joyful and exciting.
I know that sometime, it will be okay, it will be as happy as I have wanted it to be.
Rite now, it it like a skeleton circus. A strange, bizarre world of memories made of spun sugar too fragile to touch.
Its so surreal I cannot feel it, things just happen here.
Very good things happen here. Things that are frighteningly so good I am unable to think them real.
"it's too easy.. " my fear filled child self says in the night, when I am tired and uncomfortable in my own skin..."this is some cruel joke that will be whisked away at any moment."
I feel as if the glass menagerie will fall apart at any given second and I will be dragged crying back to the place I left, to beg shelter and food for Maggie and I. To go back to living like a puppet in skin old and sagging. Back to a dreary world of cold where life is governed by everyone around me, unable to stand on my own two feet, given into being tossed around like a dirty rag doll.
I escaped.
It seems so unreal.
And I am so afraid. I am so afraid for Maggie. I am scared she will be hurt in it all. All she knew I have removed and placed her in a new world and asked her to adjust under an unknown pretense of my own soul death.
I cannot go back.
I will not make it.
My spark will truly die if I have to return.
There wont even be enough of me to be anything for her.
I will completely wither... I will have soul dark.

I left behind so many of our belongings. I couldn't bring some of her things, and I ache over those things. They are just things for sure.. but still. She is only a child.
But I would have died. I would not have made it.

I pray this ache of fear subside soon. It is there, but most of the time its dark head doesn't show.. most of the time the desert sun soothes it, and the promise of a good life's laughter makes the pain invisible.

I will do all I can, in all my soul to make Maggie's life beautiful here, for her. More family, not to replace the old, but to add to what she has. Good experiences to expand her horizons. A full life.

And I know for me.. Eventually the threat fear will subside, when all is said and done with courts and I have had time to be here, and the desert wind and clay have regained their place in my bones and blood.

Beautiful things are happening in my life for sure.. things I never imagined could be for me. I look forward to the days when their sweetness can be fully enjoyed throughout my soul.

Until then I am so grateful....regardless...