wow, so i read back through the posts and i dont even recognize the person that wrote them over the past few days. yesterdays is ugly and angry..
it's been quite a ride the past week. I am so glad i feel a bit better today. I even was in the shop making product. (which was awesome)
I have been listening to Music a lot more lately, which is nice. Its helping a lot.
I did have another breakdown last night.. i cant even remember what brought it on. it was just insane crying. i really wonder if all the shit i have gone through is finally coming out. Thank god Mikey was around to talk to me.
Had court today, it went well. I think that Pat didn't like it, because he basically got laughed out again, but a completely different judge. i think i made a sound case for myself, and i hope i did well.
i have to repost this.. i really enjoyed this mail i got today. like a lot.
"Hey kiddo,
Read your blog...
There is bliss, but also....is there ignorance?
Ignorance is NOT stupid. By definition, it's NOT knowing.
It's the old ignorance is bliss. Unless you both have the same cards,
and unless you BOTH have them on the table - there is ignorance.
Maybe a blissful ignorance of hoping the other may change towards the
direction you want them to change.
You aren't a drama girl, but I think things in your life have fomented that
statement. You are who you are, NOT how others perceive you.
Because they may not have had those things happen to them the way you have,
they feel a right to judge, or question that.
Strong does NOT mean letting things just roll off your back. That's would be stupid.
You can't ignore life bad as you may want to. Sooner or later it shows up and reminds
you that it WON'T be ignored.
Death, angry people, break ups.......that didn't affect you??? Seriously?
That self absorbed?
Not trying to be an asshole, but you really need to look at that statement.
Of course these things affected you. That's why you felt so strong. Because you felt above it.
But I think you were just avoiding the hurt. The old "If I ignore this it will go away."
And then something else came along to distract you from the pain, and then it becomes
a matter of all this baggage that got dragged along and never processed. And it's
also a matter of I WILL IGNORE THIS AND MOVE ON.........
But, it hasn't ignored you. It was just waiting.
The universe always waits for the right time to pounce.
The right time is NOT our right time, but it's own.
" i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh)"
That's what it's all about though. How we deal with our pain.
How long do you think the wall can stay up if you aren't dealing with the past?
Sooner than later, you have to just deal with it irrespective of the outcome.
You can't fix your past. All you can do is look at it objectively and try to change HOW
you now deal with things that are reminiscent of that past.
It's a lot like "Why do you hit yourself in the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."
"And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier. "
You don't know what the universe has planned. We all think we do to a degree.
We run the variables, and think..."Okay, if I do this, then this will happen." But that's the problem with variables, they are variable. It's a matter of trying to find the best fit between the walls of life and go that way, but remembering that there may be something to knock you to one side or the other at some point. If it does, well....you were sort of expecting it, if not, then awesome!
It's a matter of situational awareness also. Keep your head on a swivel when you need to, but also realize that the universe doesn't always have it out for you.
"Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know"
I would say that that may or may not be the case.
Wouldn't life be great if we could learn all these things without any degree of pain?
I would love that.
"Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?"
Did you lose YOU in all this? No. Start there.
Remember what's important, and leave what's not behind.....or move it way down the list.
Most important:
1) Dawn
2) Maggie
3) see #'s 1 and 2
I hope this helps Dawn. You know you can always talk to me.
And you know that I would never intentionally give you bad advice, or
hurt you in any way.
I love you, and I don't do that to the ones I love. I think you should have figured
that out by now.
Sorry that you are going through all this, but whatever you are going though, YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
But look at the positive...
What if this had been five years down the road?
Remember the little things that are great, groovy sunsets, Maggie making going to sleep noises,
YOUR season, what you like, your last great kiss, or hug, your favorite food, your favorite music,
your most comfortable moments you can remember, the people you love, the people that love you,
coffee!
Remember that someone may be thinking the same things."
yea... i really like that mail.
I have been feeling very grateful for people who put up with me, and my "changing my mind every minute". Its true, my mind changes.. but not my heart. I hate over thinking things. stupid stupid. :)haha..
the Leaves are starting to change.. and it is so beautiful. my soul LOVES this time of year! I feel so alive with the colors.. they fill my eyes so much. oh, and I get to wear my sweaters <3 yay! Dew has been here, but im not sure if she likes it or not... i cant tell, i think shes uncomfortable. (thats what i feel from her, i think she misses Steven's- like this isnt home) :/ which makes me a little sad. But it makes me more sad to think she is uncomfortable. so, we will see. Had a nice little talk with Isaac today. most ive talked to him in a long time. and it wasnt that much. a couple emails.. hm. well.. im glad this entry isnt sad, or angry or all around ugly. I am blessed, and I love and I am good.
I have been listening to Tesla's Love Song and What you've Got.. 'aint nothin' but that good good love.. ;) <3 . yea. Love, Unconditional. its a new thing.. like a new skin.. and its good.
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