Questions...

So.. .heres my Question at hand. :/ When is enough enough? When is Change inevitable? When the money runs out? and when is that? That is when the motivations run out.. when each day is a chore to even bother with.
I am finding that i dont have inspiration about the shop anymore. Nothing.. its more a chiore than anything, it is no longer my end result- i am not inspired, excited, happy about it. And it is beginning to take it's toll wicked bad. We have had so few customers this month that rent is currently a joke. And I know it is my own fault. i will soon be living my truth, by bruter force if nothing else. I know that Change occurs in accordance with your thoughts and feelings. I KNOW this to be extremely a truth. I know how i am feeling lately, and i so dont like it. I need inspiration, i need fresh ideas, fresh powerful love of what i do. because if i dont have or get that- this place is going to be a memory. Is that what i want? i dont know. i feel bad for all the hard work people put in, but at the same time, i wonder if i am supposed to be doing something else. Tghe issue with all of this is that i dont know WHAT i want to be doing. :/ i dont want to let this place just go for no reason.
I've proven to myself that i can open and run a business. Well? Meh, not really.. haha.. im pretty disorganized, but i can do it. what should be my goal now? what do i want to do? i dont want to be bitter and frantic and shut off to people like some other people i know in the business.. thats not who i want to be.
I am not a medicinal herbalist though. I know i am not here to treat people, i dont think. I like knowing the properties of the herbs, but ive never been confident in my knowledge.
I have to say that I love plants- I found a hazelnut tree in the woods, adn i researched it, and i LOVED that part, i love research and growing plants and the science of them and their beauty
i think i could grow food and sunflowers for ever.. i love it, i love sprouting green, growing beautiful things.
Insert Big Sigh Here. I wish i knew what i wanted next. I would so do it with passion, but i dont know hat to do.. i dont know what i want.
Hear my prayer.. whomever may be listening. Please insert with i seek in my heart.. show me something inspiring and beautiful and true. I feel stuck in an ugly rut.

own life..

So, i seem to be fucking up my own life. i have gone down this spiral of not-knowing and am seeing all kinds of results. I have involved myself in unsavory circumstances (neighbor gossip), Talking badly about people and being ungrateful. I am watching the results of my actions unfold in pretty ugly ways. It sucks. I'm really not liking it, but i dont know if I'm at the point where i feel rock bottom. I dont want to lose everything i have because I am being unconscious though. i know that my thoughts create my world. Everything i think and feel now creates my world/reality. And its wicked starting to get ugly.
I dont have a direction, and I think that is part of it. I am burned out and am at a point where i am going to take a much-needed break. I am taking mon-weds off from EVRYTHING and going to hide out. i think I will be spending a lot of time at the beach.
just watching the waves and looking at the sand particles.
money is VERY tight this month. Even though It shouldnt be, seeing as how Michael is splitting things with me.. *sigh*
ITs all about the thoughts, and I have gotten lost, off track and sunk to the level of mediocre people around me. bah! My fictional self flipped me the bird and walked away.
God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot Change,
The Courage (drive, Energy & inspiration)to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

disappointment and exhaustions.

This is me. exhausted. and wondering rather strongly.
so, i call a shop meeting. 3 weeks ago, i send this thing out. who responds? 4 people.. out of 58. 58 people who i ave busted my ass for and with for the past 2 years. 4 respond. :/
And Maggie wont let me sleep again. Im exhausted. up 3 times a night presently.. *sigh*
im taking the 1st through the 3rd off. I am going to the ocean. I am watching it all day.. and evening. And i may come home to sleep.. maybe.

Wassail and Drinking Horns

I listen to Matis and my Heart Soars..
Sampo! is Equal to Shalom! its Eggs and Chickens... Its Wassail.
Its the things i refrain from saying, from showing, i hold so much back. It is right under the surface, and I know it is felt. I wait for dissipation of fear to let loose the deluge. i dream of the day of full expression.
Until then i take Sandy's words- Be patient.
I have so much, I give what is allowed.
I love. So much, so full, so selfless.
All to one, to seldom Hands held out i give.
<3

ants marching..

when you are in love with someone, a lot changes. things matter.

Upsidown

I trust in the Universe, More sometimes then others. I am just like everyone else, I get down sometimes, too. But I know the Universal remembered me this week. So man good things happening. Things that I dont even have to question, because I know them to be true by how they feel. And I am SO grateful.
Shop Stuff, Life stuff.. Stuff to make my heart Soar.

Rite.

Yea.. I for sure don't want to be doing this.. again. I don't want these expectations even though it is said they are not there. they are. don't lie, and don't try to hide them.. even from yourself. I was there the day it sank in- it's a repeat. I've been here before. I have already lived through someone else's drama and serious fuck up. I don't have the trust for another issue. It has been said that every one deserves a second chance, hell, I have had so many myself. Maybe I used yours up.. who knows. I do know however, that since I have already lived through it, I am not the one who has seconds to dish out.. I'm sure someone who hasn't been where I have been has such things. You probably didn't mean to throw the atmosphere into such turmoil, and I for sure didn't mean to let it all get so far before knowing all the truth, all the facts that would have me backing off. I'm so sure that you didn't mean to pre-set this situation, but you did.. sorry. And I can't get past it, It's my life.. don't you forget.. it never ends..
I may be cool, I may shine like the brightest star in the heavens. But I have my bruises and I have my boundaries and the learnings have been scarred into my skin- like burns and cuts. It is said Leopards don't change their spots.. no matter how many guildings they may have. Renn Boy or not.. The key isn't to this lock. Not much else to say About it.
yep.
And I know you have self preserving to do as well. Good luck out there.