Woah..

First off.. holi crap, the editing format completely changed on this site. way to throw me for a loop.
Well..*sigh* I have a lot to say..
today I have taken the day off, because I am very Dizzy. (well, i dont know if i cam rite now, but i have been all day)
My immediate thought has been about the fact that people get upset when i close the shop- when i am not open. its interesting- raises the question- do they like what i stand for in the open shop, or are they just pissed off at life? Then it streams to self-esteem- is what i do worth all of that? for someone to be upset that i am not standing in the place they want me to be, holding spot for them so they can be happy? Because of what i do?
then we go to Arthur Pendragon. I have been watching a show called Merlin. I love it. it is all about Merlin as a young man- and what he does. I have always felt closer to that kind of being than one of jersey american plastic. I am a fictional character. Hm.. LightBuuulb. My Office needs more Pendragon and less .. stupid. ;) <3
so, then we come to FE's Flower Essences. i have started to take a flower essence Practitioner Training program with Christine Tolf (I love that woman.. i trust her and can actually learn from her....) Flower essences are pure magic itself. They are the energetic signature of a plant. They have ZERO plant matter in them. The exist purely of water and spirit. And they work! I am living proof. I love them. I work with them every day. They help me in my life. They are amazing. I will use this alchemy in my daily routine of helping others in a way compared to no other.
All of a sudden i am looking so much forward to re-doing my office. (Sun Moon Stars Herbals- An Eclectic Place for the Magic of Life).. i believe there is good in all modalities. I believe to put them all together is what true magic is.
Ive been taking inspiration form many things lately. From Merlin, from KatVonD, from my own Mother. There is true Magic in all of life.
I work with the soul. I believe in my heart of hearts that all healing comes from within. i think this is why FE's work so well for me. I Believe the root of the soul contains all physical life, and that anything and everything that happens in our life starts there. Thoughts-Become-Things. Some say Beliefs are a negative thing, that they are programs that we run based on the teaching of others. I say my core beliefs are a beautiful thing. some of them are cause of limitation, and those, that i can find, i do pull forth and change the way i am with them. I try to think back to their root, and formations, so that i can see what they were and then they, themselves change as a result. a new one forms- such as something negative form a past experience that i carry around, causing limitations within my own self-sustaining systems, becomes an understanding, something to see and look at and say- oh.. well, no wonder. I forgive myself for years of holding the belief and letting it affect my life, grateful for what it did for me, the turns and choices i made via it, thank it and release it. With the new understanding, gained form it, I can then interact in the world on a new level. Hopefully in a better way, making better choices and being a good light and carrier of good for whomever i interact with.
okay, and i just walked into my bedroom. The scent in there is amazing. Smells of flowers and Herbs. I love that scent. It seems that most of my life has been filled with such scents. I remember the scent of 'Stalk' flowers from being 16, and the smell of Cottonwood Leaves in the autumn. My home has always been a place of curiosity for most people. For me it is like a Wizard's Study.. and i love it that way. no matter how i try to come to modern society and clean up the place, making it all storage-filled and nice, I always come back to wooden storage boxes and papers strewn about. Recently i have noticed my home smelling of a depressed person's. Something i have come to understand is that people who are depressed- not living their light- have a certain way about them.  Easily distinguished if you know what you are looking for, first is the eyes- heavy upper lids. Then they have a scent about them, their house smells like.. unkempt places. My house has gotten like that recently. I noticed I had backed away from daily chores, i haven't been caring about what happens in my house, save for the sweeping (i HATE stuff sticking to my feet) ;) However, I am feeling rather inspired tonight. Tho i am still not precisely well. I am feeling dizzy a lot today. I know its because i have been working so hard for so long. The stress of the shop has made it loose its fun. I am inspired to change it up- to make it more Merlin Like. More Magical then Monetary. I have neglected the part of my own self that resides in what is my own specialty for so long because of the fears i hold about the place. I have been scared to fail. But, fail what? There is nothing to fail. I am living, I am happy- and no matter what the Lair of Magic goes on. I could easily shut down this shop, and open a much smaller one and make a go of it without all the other people. Funny thing is... I could do that now, and not have the stress of the things i worry about now. heh. ;) <3
Wow, that's been a lot to say. On to the Magic of this lifetime.
<3.... for Camelot!

i live in piles of messes and really love it when it is all cleaned up..... I want it more and more cleaned up. all the time. thank you.

... i suupose...

So the gist of this whole thing is to 'feel good'. stuff that i read says this over, and over, and over, and over. Go for your dreams! Do what feels good! Follow your Bliss! man, anymore- what IS my bliss? My shop stresses me out, it is SO not blissful, but i keep at it. Bliss is being in nature- watching the streams, being in my garden, watching the birds. Plant's green and sunshine's warmth - those are my bliss. Visiting the city and feeling the hum and the buzz.. the excitement of the place. If my shop were merely my products, and Michael's Swords.. It may be a better venture for me, It wouldn't be so stressful. The Details of the thing are what get me- the monies, the back room, the dealing with scheduling of people. I swear, one of these days I'm going to end up on my own little land, with my family, and be very happy and content. When I think of that, i always have the image of Grandma and Grandpa Poole's place in Clarkdale. They had it made, quiet, land, quaint. There was a little creek running through their yard. Green Drink. Man, do i ever wish i knew what was in there.. i know it was wheatgrass juice but id love to know the rest.
Any ways- i dunno. Just gonna sit here and go be blissful i suppose. heh.

So. I do so much for everyone else, and i never feel fulfilled.
I paid rent today. I do this every month. I want to pay rent and have more then enough for me and for the vendors and bills and supplies to all be paid in full. Truth is- there never is enough. and we are going on 3 years of this. Every day for 3 years, save for when Isaac was here, i worry. It is adding years to my days. I want to be happy. It is time to look at what does and doesn't work in my life- time to take stock. I dont want to live the rest of my life this way. Im not really an herbalist- it is not my passion, it is something i learned. Passion is my passion, rousing the Rebels is my passion. Bringing people together is my passion. Promotion is my passion. Ideas are my passion, turning people onto new things is my passion. Connections and assembling things with and for people is my passion. I love event coordination. Maybe I can move more in that direction. I don't know... this shop thing seems to be the pits.... I need to just accept it and do something more adventurous. Maybe I could sell it. Maybe someone would want to buy it. Well. I have decided to give myself a time frame on the shop. In November, if we are still struggling like we do- I am changing locations in January, or calling it quits and Moving in with Michael. I will probably move in with Michael in October or November anyways.
I need to really start taking stock in what is good for me, and move in that direction. What is best for me, is my stuff. I love creating, as well- my painted things. I love my candles. Wicked Awesome Candle Company is pretty cool, and Can'Dles sell well. I love Mermaids and Fairies.
Im going to go rite now and paint some cans... see ya.

Time and Space

So much has been going on.. so much to think on, so much to put in order, in line, on paper.
I have been very much enjoying Kat VonD lately- http://www.katvond.net/ Her show LAink. I have watched to episode 3, and it is helpful. She is a young business woman, and looks good to boot. She is inspiring me to be a little more of my outrageous self and color my hair. My herb shop doesn't have to be a stodgy place of boringness and flighty fancy health nuts. I can Have tattoos, i can have colored hair, and yet- i can go back to dirt, grow food, and do good things all the while. My creativity isn't about one thing or another, its about it all. I want my shop to be like her shop- a hot, happening place, full of life and awesome. I want everyone form Buddhists to Druids to feel welcome.. ages from infants through elders to walk through the door and find themselves in a comfortable place of spirituality and enlightened joy. I want to do it UP! to make it amazing, to make it unique and more of a destination than other places around. It is pretty cool as it is, i have been cleaning and working on new stuff in there, got out some old heavy yuckiness. (its really amazing how we work as humans to find our worth. I had an encounter with a person over the past year- that, when i met her i was humbled- thinking, how could I, Me Dawnie, Be cool enough to hang with this person?? But, I come to find, after a year... it was sort of the other way around. I was the one who was the centrifugal force in the relationship, the one more needed for what i had to offer. And you find out so much about people in this business...) I am not perfect, by any means- damn, I'm moody at times and i lack the esteem i need some times, but i try- always i try. I know there have been times i have wanted to throw in the towel, because at those moments, i can't see where this is going- it seems like such a burden. And then something happens that pulls me out of it- I look around. I look for something good. I look for what is next- I knock on another door- because, I know that this life is what i make it. If i were to stay in the humdrum of my fears of what is at-that-moment, then i will create more of that and those circumstances- HOWEVER! If i am to stop, look for a better feeling thing, imagine what that better feeling situation is like- via looks, feels, smells, thoughts, words, interactions with others- the whole scenario- then i am CREATING- IN THAT MOMENT- something better for myself in the future. And so, when those better feelings happen, and those better things that are created BY those feelings i reached for occur- it shows me, reminds me and URGES me to make more good decisions on my thoughts, feelings and imaginings. I am grateful in that moment for those amazing things... and i KNOW that i created them.
and not only the things about creation are amazing- but how SIMPLE the things laid out before us truly are! It is amazing that when something happens in our lives- a situation or circumstance is presented to us- we sometimes cant even see it because we are A) disbelieving that is is FOR us or B) don't even SEE it, because our horizons aren't open wide enough to even think about such a thing. What i am learning is this- there is not ONE thing that is presented to us, into our scope of reality that is not for us! EVERYTHING the Universe presents to us is an opportunity for us to make a choice- 'do i want to do this?' YES! or.. no. I am baffled at the things that have popped up lately- do i want this? YES! YES I DO! I will say YES to this and YES to that and OMG YES!
The people opening the Tea shop in York, The company in Ohio wanting to use our room sprays, the Fairy singer who wants to work with the shop to promote herself.
YES!
Tomorrow i am dyeing my hair again. I will get a tattoo soon, too. i want to - i know it has Acorns & Oak Leaves for Family, Butterflies for Maggie, and .. something. :)
I have been doing art again. Nifty. All of the things i have wanted to do for so long, i am beginning to see and do. I am cleaning spaces around me, i am collecting pieces of stuff and making new things with them. I have hung my artwork in the shop.
I have been listening to the Playlist on the cinnamon Rainbow's website- http://www.cinnamonrainbows.com/ been really loving the Surfer gurl thing.
I really want to find a way to incorporate 'Hip" into 'Spiritual and Herbalist". Hm. and not like Daniel Vitalis. hate that guy.. :/
I don't want to be like Misty Meadows and be all exclusive and stodgy and like... too cool for school with all the fairy and witchy blah blah blah exclusiveness. I want to be Hot, Rockin', Cool, fun, welcoming, and hip. ya know? I need a logo to repreSENT! ;)
Hm.. my truck needs work too.
Lets see what i can do about all this. Ok, Multiverse! It's ROCK & ROLL time!! ;) XOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO WOOT!

WildChild of caliche and scrub

so, here i am .. warm bed, days one running to the next..
And in this a break. A remembrance.
I am relieved to be having calm sleep for the first time in a many years. I have been taking flower essences. They are helping - a lot.
I have found someone in this world that I understand, once again. Someone who speaks the language of my soul.. a communication i can hear and understand. Elven language of bear and fish....A new teacher/mentor and for that I am so glad. When the connection is there, it's almost as Borg.. assimilation but for all of the amazingly WildChild reasons. The soul soars.. the core flames. Wind and Moonrise remembered. I am glad.. and reach in dreamstate for moments clear and untame. For memories of Cottonwoods and Sunset-Wake Thunderstorms.
'..Life flows in never ending circles within circles within spirals.... with each soul trailing a thread, we can only see the piece of tapestry, we ourselves weave..
Let your thread dance and spin.'
Beautiful days of shining white walls as constant horizon called. Sun dips behind sheltering mountain and land-kissing-sky blushes. blushes... blushes... fades to blue.. purple...black....
Is anyone out there? Stars sing crisp songs to me as into the black I drive.
These days connections return. Soul again longs to ask - longs to connect - longs. Memories, Wishes, Wants that turned to Sharpness of hurt and lost road maps. Times of Wearing the Inside out. Beautiful Soul, Beautiful Things.
My body is changing, returning to a beautiful, dry dusty stage of sun bleached bones and heat scorched earth. Long, Lanky Limbs of graceful Power. 'Use Power or Power will Use you.'
WildChild of caliche and scrub. Black and Rust Trailings and Slag. Winding clear Shallow Waters and High Cliff Dwelling Echoes left for time. Coming back to life, a soul trapped in mundane city paper carbon unit masses. Connecting to the rhythms of cycle and movement around her gray and green soul turned pink and teal. Memories of snakegrass and mesquite replaced with lady slipper and skunk cabbage's engulfing green.
These dreams of here and now.... the stark realization of Little Miss approaching 7.... How does that make me? No matter.. no matter... ageless in this Wildness.... WildChild.

there are nights i shouldn't sit up and feel. this is probably one of those nights.. i remember it well.. sitting, staring out the window at the horizon, wanting to drive so badly.. wanting to be part of the ether.. missing the dry wind, the faces... lost, lost lost.. staring...
the soul's pull in this album...
Loved my Brother so much, would never leave his side.. my Leto to his Ghannima.. two souls opening to the Universe, becoming what no one could understand, and here we stand.
We walked hand in hand, naked in a new world, a brand new land, clean and scared... we did the best we could, finding soul-ace in one another. Curled up to sleep, always in comfort.
Now, so many life times away, so many events and miles.. my heart aches for those times, that newness and that dependency. The trust. That room, that chapter.
We tried, didnt we? We became, we grew, we moved on.. when we went back to the spot.. all things were different.. broken some how. The clean wonder & search and pull were lost.
But those afternoons.. those 4 p.m. window stares, when my soul became part of the horizon, for surely made me who i am, who i have been & who i will be. The wanderlust never subsided, just changed, just put into something that keeps me busy. The open skies call me, the clear water rushes my name, The dry wind whispers my soul... Skies aflame with love of the connection, rolling thunder echoes through my heart-center beckoning me to stand again, open, naked, & new - holding the hand of my pre-born soul's mate.
From this daydream i run, from these memories i hide.. they kill, they ache with their beauty.. they steal breath with their fullness of echoing wind... canyons, rivers, trees... desert skies, caleche dust, rock.
Me, and My Brother. In this search for meaning endless...