daffodil dreaming.

so, tonight is better. Maggie spent the day at Jenn's, and despite supposedly spending the night over there, is peacefully tucked into her bed in the next room over.
heh.
and she had a good day. and that does my heart good.
I talked to Jenn and Meg about my fears today, and Jenn reassured me that kids 'bounce back' and to give it time, she will be okay. I am grateful to have good people in my life, especially other women who understand kids. it's good, for me and maggie.
Today was easy at work, no troubles with the director. dictator. what have you. some days I want to call her nothing more than tyrant. But.. she is human. and I try to remember she lives in fear of her world crashing. I just wish she could let go and flow and be okay and happy.
meh. whateva'
so.. i am also intrigued. Probably over nothing.. but.. Pat asked what time it was here vs there.. after i reminded him he was *still* on the phone with me (he usually tries to get away from talking to me asap every phone call...), and then he asked me if i am working tomorrow.. and what time.
..he never does that. Maybe he was just thinking of calling?
and of course my brain goes waaaay far out left field.
(and goes over and over details.. like Erica saying 'He's NOT living with us'. after I told her i thought he was acting weird..)
meh. It's probably nothing and I'll probably be disappointed tomorrow night, but it's nice to day dream.
Maggie would be so over the moon and I think I would cry and cry and cry if ... well..
whatever. I'll just go to sleep on that thought.
I'm grateful for Maggie having a good day, and my fears being numbed tonight about her.

..

the only regret I have about coming back here is that Maggie has no friends yet. it's been months. She has some at school, I suppose...
We were spoiled in Rollinsford. We had an amazing community, but I could not sustain there... I couldn't keep us above water. Here, I can support us- I can feed and home us. It was not possible there :/
I thought we found a neighborhood friend... turns out not so much.
Poor Maggie, it breaks my heart. I just want to send her home.
More like I just want to send her to Karen's, where I know she will be loved, and cared for. Where I know she can go back to her friends and her home.
Sigh.
I am so sad for her. I pray every day she adjusts... but it's not happening. Maybe she needs a new school. Maybe we need a new community (Unity has a church here, and one in Sedona...) Maybe all of these other things...
but all I want is for her to be happy.
and she was-
in New Hampshire.
:/
I wasn't.
breaks my heart.

oh yea...

Tomorrow is my birthday.
I just remembered. I hope something surprisingly good happens. Patrick use to bring me 100 stems of daffodils. It was very nice. I miss those things.
I had a really good weekend with the family... it is coming to a close, from my little room.
The weather has been warm, no shoes and t-shirts. I got some sun today while I finished my book. I am still not at ease, not quite settled here.. I think that will take some time. I do wish I had taken the dog and child for a walk today.
Everyone was a bit under the weather today- we all ate something bad or have caught the bug going around.. Maggie was pukey all morning.
I got my shovel and rake today.. and some calendula plants!! yay!! now for Loam and Pallets. :)
I am sure I had more to say... but at the moment... I am just glad to be okay...
:)

difference

There is a difference between here and there.. then and now. It's like the difference between being in college at a dorm and being home with mom and dad where your laundry gets done.
I am home. in my family's comfort and my laundry is getting done.
See... In New England, I always had this itching drive to do something, to get things done, to do more and strive towards something - some goal, some huge 'better than now'.
 I was searching for something to fill a space - if i could just.. (insert whatever here)... I would feel content. I would get to that place of ease and comfort. But no matter what I did.. that itch was still there. There was never enough- 'nope, this isn't it EITHER'.. and I'd move onto something else.

But now. Now I don't feel that way at all. Now I am calm. My chest isn't frantic, I am not scared all of the time,  or upset or sad or longing and missing. I just AM. Yes, there is the money thing, but I don't let it over throw my life. It's a couple months worth of deposits and it's Maggie's plane tickets, but it's okay. I have a job. I have a home. (which I have to say both are taking some time getting use to. There is that underlying panic that everything is going to fall apart at any minute. I've had someone else to rely on for so many years, coming back to self-reliance is a little unnerving.) But.. at least I am home, and my proverbial laundry is getting done.
 And I am always surprised at the goodness of outcomes around me. I suppose I am use to New England's helpfulness, but I really didn't expect it here, from people. It's new, and good, and ... Nice.
And I am grateful.

Sunday

I am kind of loving Japanese Gardens today..

Yes I know I have moved to the Desert, but I have seen amazing places tucked into ravines where little creeks flow and make oasis homes. So, I know it can be done here. 

 I love the feel of the Zen Ease and almost lushness of the rocks and plants. I love the cool green cover. I will be doing this.

And fountains... and Birdfeeders.  

 

I am very much looking forward to moving into the new house. I am looking forward to the expansion, and the goodness of it. The cooking, the birds, the outside, the seemingly expanse of it. There won't be road noise there, either... which is nice. We will have space to paint, produce, sit easily and just Be. 

I am grateful for how we have been, to be honest, it's not bad here in the apartment, it's just a lot of shuffling. We make it work, and it works fine, but The new house is going to be more fun. 

I will be looking for windows to build a greenhouse, and I will be doing raised garden beds as well as recycled gardening, like gutters and pallets. 

I think it is going to be very good and very comfortable for a good long time. 

And that makes me happy.

Grateful to be

There was a time when I was very proud. When I would do things for show and ego boost. A time in life when flashing my colors loudly to attract spark and awe was how I got my rush. 

Now, in the quiet and calm I get my fill from moments that catch my breath- moments of insight, moments of laughter-  beautiful moments. 

And I am so grateful to be here. 

I look forward

I Look forward to things.. 

Hand Crafted things...

 

Medicinal things...

 

Green, Growing, Health Filled, Vibrant things.. 

 Beautiful, Whimsical things...

 Sustainable, purposeful things...

Delicious things.

 I look forward to harvesting the beautiful energy of the things I grow, the things my hands have made, the things my heart has loved. I look forward to such good things.