day's worth..

Well.. today was our First ever Halloween Costume Parade. The Sun Moon Stars Clan came down, and we brought along some random people we found along the way! Seems kind of silly, such a small random group of people and kids.. in tired-state im feeling a bit like a dork, doing something so small and dweeby.. but you know - everything has to start somewhere.
Tomorrow we have Pumpkin Carving for the kids and adults alike...
wow, all of a sudden im exhausted. all i can say is that.. i feel like a dork but i have to push though it and keep going cause Val said so..ok, well, the card said so. :) keep on with the dream!!
Oh, and I am so extremely grateful for all of the wonderful people that support me so much. I am so grateful People keep coming back and believe in the dream.. i am so grateful for my friends and family. thank you so SO so very much.

New Post

So.. what about what?
Start with Shop. Shop is D-E-A-D. Why? My energy isnt focused here. This has become like old news to me, NO GOOD. How do i draw people in? I have NO idea. But i have to start. Isaac is being such a good sport. Press Releases are all i can think of..
advertising.
My focus has shifted.. I have opened to new ways of looking at things. It came to me a couple days ago. I am not a clinical herbalist. I will not cure your cancer.. i am a spirit Herbalist- i will help you to cure the root of the energetics that caused the cancer. I am not interested in the latest studies about this and that.. i am interested in how you feel, in how attuned you are, about what you dream and how you live each day. Yes, i will read the latest findings on the herbs i use, because i do not want to have contradictions in meds or actions of the workings, but i am more about their energetic signature.. Are they a warming herb? are they a forceful hers? will the peacefully engulf you in pinks and blues to lull you sweetly yo sleep or forcefully stop you in your tracks to put you out for a while? What you need is not always whats on the surface. I want the story behind what you tell, and i want to go beyond the modern medicine doctor's words and get to your roots, your underlying love, dreams and desires.
Yes... Energetic Herbalist, Soul Feeder, My bandages are made of love and truth and dirt.
is there a true term for such a thing?
i pray to find like mind..
onto Other things. Hung up the Penney and Train for as good as it can be. Attachment has set in, and heartache has ensued one too many a day. Unconditionally has it's pull after a while, at no fault of any ones. I am grateful for the amazing highs such things have gifted. but.. onto other things..
Fall has officially settled in, and all the leaves are blowing around.. its beautiful. The past few days have been surreal balmy. i know the cold is coming, and that is ok.
The New Mexico fam visited last week. What an amazing thing. I was in heaven, how awesome. *sigh* :)
well.. so much for this post.. im done for now.
just doing things that need doing today. Rote routine things.. boooring but mindless tasks that i would usually put off to the side as irritations.

conflict resolution rant. hello tyrade.

So, Im grouchy. Pat started my morning off with the usual pat-shit-bang. :/ then i come in here, to the shop, and get completely overwhelmed. the cat starts being .. well, Himself, and Maggs comes home tired form school which in turn, makes her cry and fuss at anything and everything. And then - bang! Chaos. :( SUCKS ALL ASS. I wish there was some sort of after school program she could go to so she would be occupied instead of being here, bored and cranky. Poor thing. She puts up with me so well.
Than there are all the little things i want to do in here- all the random coolnesses that pop up, that i just lose in all the chaos that is my physical surroundings. I hate the mess i live in. I want some clarity on all the stuff around me- i want the laundry and dishes done, i want the back room cleaned... i want the chaos that is in my soul lifted. :/
someone said that they live a drama free life. im glad. and i want to as well. I want clean, clear flowing life.
and i want people in the shop. A lot. I want to be busy, i want to do things that matter.
oh, and how about my man? WTF? hahah!! with this energy there isnt a man alive that would want to be near me rite now. Although being close to someone might relieve some stress- boost some energy. Even just a good hug.i am at the point where i just want to close down for the day.. i want to go run into the nothingness and play. but on the other hand. as strange as it seems, there's this mirror in the back room, and it keeps inspiring me. its calling me for some reason, inspiring me to work in the back, be beautify and magic it up. and Why not? I have always done so before, made things amazing.
I need someone to share all this with, like a partner in crime. someone to help me have drive.. they say that its all within self, that we should be complete and whole alone, that we need no other. that is bullshit. and i, myself, have spoken such bullshit in the past. Let me tell you- i am SO not innocent of this idiotic thought process. it is, in no way possible to know yourself if you are not reflected back to yourself via one of infinite ways. The human race being the top of the pile. We, as humans are pack animals first of all- so if you want to go with the physical, scientific proof- start there- we CANNOT be alone, its not what we are designed to do. and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bullshitter. Then lets go tot the non-physial- the Soul. How the HELL do people think they can know themselves if they dont have experiences with other people that engage the decision making process? we HAVE GOT TO make a solid label for the things we do and do not like- IE- Good and Bad, yes and Noe, up and down - this is for me, this is not for me- and in turn- THIS IS WHO I AM. and how do we do this boys and girls? HUMAN INTERACTION!!! yes, human interaction gives s the viable mirror to see our own selves based on the reactions and action we have and take in relationship o those other HUMAN BEINGS around us (Human Beings- We are spiritual BEINGS having a HUMAN experience Kiddies!)REFLECT. CONFLICT. RESOLUTION. DECISIONS. DEFINITION of self. Hi. this is how it works- and this is why we NEED other people in our lives. its is not NOT not possible to know your own self by your own self. light cannot know it is light if it has never seen dark. its just IT. no definition, nothing to use as a boundary to experience other facets of existence, no color to be had. we HAVE to have definition, just like we have to have bones to hold up the flesh, in order to move around and to experience the outer and experience r inner.

Monday, Monday...

yup. was a lot written here. Took it out.. Don't want scare the Wolf.(any more than i obviously already do..) Insert rolls eyes here, and a pinch on the arm for good measure. (hope it leaves a bruise.)

Just when you think...

you're at the end.. a glimmer appears. Like, Really? it's nice to be missed, even if just a little.
yea, might not seem like such a big deal, but to me it means the world. I suppose its that thing - you have to let stuff go, damn.. it needs its space. Cant grow while being squished, and picked apart. (was it.. is it growing? who the eff knows.. ) Leave it alone girl... damn you're a nut. *sigh*
Insert rolls eyes here. ;)
Yea, I know..
so.
I have been happy happy happy with this weather! I Love the cooler fall weather, it just does something to me. The shop is all Halloweened up, and I love that too. Its been nice to get into the spirit. I have this need to have something to color my world with.. something to play with. Its that whole hearth-witch thing - home, family, tradition. so, Holidays I love.
*sigh*
Well.. Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble ;)

Ultimate Kins.

Here in this land I Love. So much. I dream..
Just to lay and trace the side of a cheek bone.. to feel the muscles in an arm... to shoulder.. to collar bone. Feel softness of hair recently trimmed, wonder what is dreamed of beneath closed eyes. To Know the swell of warmth in chest-too-small to hold the immensity of the emotion. To watch, Holding baited breath for the next signal, the next move.. if only for a moment. Casual and Calm walk beside, rush of frantic run behind as if to not miss a beat. Wanting only to give any and all for a smile, just a laugh. Its worth it.. in minute amounts, for the end result. Cherished, Blessed, Attentive to detail.. all for all.
You need a house... and me. You would be the happiest man alive... for all eternity.
... and I wonder if you question the sanity or the reality of such a thing...your esteem probably says.. are you worth it? why would I see these things in you?
you know they're there....why wouldn't I?
connection. like i say.

How did it get this way? I have no idea. I don't Care, the Universe Knows What it Is Doing. You know what is for you by how it feels....I am glad it is. UnHealthy? maybe ... more like.. needing to be pliable for a while. Needing elasticity and give to sway with circumstances. But giving this will not run dry... Unconditional. Reciprocation is blissful, appreciated.. cherished. Each drop of emotion savored. Even in sharp corners that could be driven, awe inspires. Fires get out of control, tempers may blaze, cooling waters of forgiveness and release comfort and strengthen.
Eternity in my hands.. Outstretched. Take them.

I am grateful this day for My Ultimate. Whatever the Road...
and a penny.

only what you give.. Its not what you've got..

wow, so i read back through the posts and i dont even recognize the person that wrote them over the past few days. yesterdays is ugly and angry..
it's been quite a ride the past week. I am so glad i feel a bit better today. I even was in the shop making product. (which was awesome)
I have been listening to Music a lot more lately, which is nice. Its helping a lot.
I did have another breakdown last night.. i cant even remember what brought it on. it was just insane crying. i really wonder if all the shit i have gone through is finally coming out. Thank god Mikey was around to talk to me.
Had court today, it went well. I think that Pat didn't like it, because he basically got laughed out again, but a completely different judge. i think i made a sound case for myself, and i hope i did well.

i have to repost this.. i really enjoyed this mail i got today. like a lot.

"Hey kiddo,
Read your blog...

There is bliss, but also....is there ignorance?
Ignorance is NOT stupid. By definition, it's NOT knowing.
It's the old ignorance is bliss. Unless you both have the same cards,
and unless you BOTH have them on the table - there is ignorance.
Maybe a blissful ignorance of hoping the other may change towards the
direction you want them to change.

You aren't a drama girl, but I think things in your life have fomented that
statement. You are who you are, NOT how others perceive you.
Because they may not have had those things happen to them the way you have,
they feel a right to judge, or question that.

Strong does NOT mean letting things just roll off your back. That's would be stupid.
You can't ignore life bad as you may want to. Sooner or later it shows up and reminds
you that it WON'T be ignored.
Death, angry people, break ups.......that didn't affect you??? Seriously?
That self absorbed?
Not trying to be an asshole, but you really need to look at that statement.
Of course these things affected you. That's why you felt so strong. Because you felt above it.
But I think you were just avoiding the hurt. The old "If I ignore this it will go away."
And then something else came along to distract you from the pain, and then it becomes
a matter of all this baggage that got dragged along and never processed. And it's
also a matter of I WILL IGNORE THIS AND MOVE ON.........
But, it hasn't ignored you. It was just waiting.
The universe always waits for the right time to pounce.
The right time is NOT our right time, but it's own.

" i think the walls maaay just be old enough to soften now. (Great.. ugh)"

That's what it's all about though. How we deal with our pain.
How long do you think the wall can stay up if you aren't dealing with the past?
Sooner than later, you have to just deal with it irrespective of the outcome.
You can't fix your past. All you can do is look at it objectively and try to change HOW
you now deal with things that are reminiscent of that past.
It's a lot like "Why do you hit yourself in the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop."

"And It is forcing a change of habit on me. and no matter my kicking and screaming, the Universe will come by with the spiritual 2 X 4 and take me down so i have to do it any ways. And thats ok. Wish I knew what i was supposed to do, so that this ride was a bit easier. "

You don't know what the universe has planned. We all think we do to a degree.
We run the variables, and think..."Okay, if I do this, then this will happen." But that's the problem with variables, they are variable. It's a matter of trying to find the best fit between the walls of life and go that way, but remembering that there may be something to knock you to one side or the other at some point. If it does, well....you were sort of expecting it, if not, then awesome!
It's a matter of situational awareness also. Keep your head on a swivel when you need to, but also realize that the universe doesn't always have it out for you.

"Im glad for the expansion of my experience, I am glad I have been given the chance to feel, to grow, to know"

I would say that that may or may not be the case.
Wouldn't life be great if we could learn all these things without any degree of pain?
I would love that.

"Hm.Reconfigure.. now, where the HELL do I start?!?!?"

Did you lose YOU in all this? No. Start there.
Remember what's important, and leave what's not behind.....or move it way down the list.
Most important:

1) Dawn
2) Maggie
3) see #'s 1 and 2

I hope this helps Dawn. You know you can always talk to me.
And you know that I would never intentionally give you bad advice, or
hurt you in any way.
I love you, and I don't do that to the ones I love. I think you should have figured
that out by now.
Sorry that you are going through all this, but whatever you are going though, YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
But look at the positive...
What if this had been five years down the road?

Remember the little things that are great, groovy sunsets, Maggie making going to sleep noises,
YOUR season, what you like, your last great kiss, or hug, your favorite food, your favorite music,
your most comfortable moments you can remember, the people you love, the people that love you,
coffee!
Remember that someone may be thinking the same things."

yea... i really like that mail.
I have been feeling very grateful for people who put up with me, and my "changing my mind every minute". Its true, my mind changes.. but not my heart. I hate over thinking things. stupid stupid. :)haha..
the Leaves are starting to change.. and it is so beautiful. my soul LOVES this time of year! I feel so alive with the colors.. they fill my eyes so much. oh, and I get to wear my sweaters <3 yay! Dew has been here, but im not sure if she likes it or not... i cant tell, i think shes uncomfortable. (thats what i feel from her, i think she misses Steven's- like this isnt home) :/ which makes me a little sad. But it makes me more sad to think she is uncomfortable. so, we will see. Had a nice little talk with Isaac today. most ive talked to him in a long time. and it wasnt that much. a couple emails.. hm. well.. im glad this entry isnt sad, or angry or all around ugly. I am blessed, and I love and I am good.
I have been listening to Tesla's Love Song and What you've Got.. 'aint nothin' but that good good love.. ;) <3 . yea. Love, Unconditional. its a new thing.. like a new skin.. and its good.