Moon....

So, here I sit. Under my desert sky... stars and moon.. wide.
A new self, with old ghosts.
Fears that tug at the back of my chest reminding me of where I was, and the gift of now.
grown.
aged.
distracted.
given.

Grateful and Clear

there are things I want to say.. things I want to prepare for that should be screamed from soul. things to give back and let loose.
Things about younger years, of pain, tears, hopes and joys. things about unknowing, and trust. Things confused and things seen clear. Gratitudes and deliverances. Gifts to be given as acknowledgements, questions to be answered.

I look forward to the time when I can sit and refuel my soul through caliche dust breeze and clear air sun. Times of fingers in white earth tracing away the stories, allowing the darkness to be drawn from their tips.
... time away from this magical place did that...

I am back to a place where things have no name, where all reality is soul reality. Where the I AM is all there is. I am back to ground so holy and so sacred, where water runs clear and skies go on for ever. There is something novel in the things I always rebelled against in years past.. something humblingly touching.... something precious.

I am curious to watch the night sky spin it's course.. to greet the morning sky with a smile.

This land is my land. I am of it's spine colored self and its open ended ever-ness. I am here to regain my footing in my own self, to practice being beautiful, to sing songs of soul to monsoon and mesquite.

I am here to learn to love openly to spread my soul-arms wide and feel the pulse of the rushing water. I am here to teach my future generation to breathe the harmony of this land, to know it's cycles and turns.
I am here to reconnect and re-member.

And in these easy shoes I walk...

Old and New

As some have said, moving has taken a lot of courage.
Or maybe something else.
Maybe a shut-down.

I haven't allowed myself to feel about moving because it is sad and hurting as much as it is joyful and exciting.
I know that sometime, it will be okay, it will be as happy as I have wanted it to be.
Rite now, it it like a skeleton circus. A strange, bizarre world of memories made of spun sugar too fragile to touch.
Its so surreal I cannot feel it, things just happen here.
Very good things happen here. Things that are frighteningly so good I am unable to think them real.
"it's too easy.. " my fear filled child self says in the night, when I am tired and uncomfortable in my own skin..."this is some cruel joke that will be whisked away at any moment."
I feel as if the glass menagerie will fall apart at any given second and I will be dragged crying back to the place I left, to beg shelter and food for Maggie and I. To go back to living like a puppet in skin old and sagging. Back to a dreary world of cold where life is governed by everyone around me, unable to stand on my own two feet, given into being tossed around like a dirty rag doll.
I escaped.
It seems so unreal.
And I am so afraid. I am so afraid for Maggie. I am scared she will be hurt in it all. All she knew I have removed and placed her in a new world and asked her to adjust under an unknown pretense of my own soul death.
I cannot go back.
I will not make it.
My spark will truly die if I have to return.
There wont even be enough of me to be anything for her.
I will completely wither... I will have soul dark.

I left behind so many of our belongings. I couldn't bring some of her things, and I ache over those things. They are just things for sure.. but still. She is only a child.
But I would have died. I would not have made it.

I pray this ache of fear subside soon. It is there, but most of the time its dark head doesn't show.. most of the time the desert sun soothes it, and the promise of a good life's laughter makes the pain invisible.

I will do all I can, in all my soul to make Maggie's life beautiful here, for her. More family, not to replace the old, but to add to what she has. Good experiences to expand her horizons. A full life.

And I know for me.. Eventually the threat fear will subside, when all is said and done with courts and I have had time to be here, and the desert wind and clay have regained their place in my bones and blood.

Beautiful things are happening in my life for sure.. things I never imagined could be for me. I look forward to the days when their sweetness can be fully enjoyed throughout my soul.

Until then I am so grateful....regardless...

Ease

Arizona.
I am not centered, so I have not collected my thoughts or meditated. I almost feel like a breeze...
there are birds in the cedars out front of the apartment, they squeek and chirp. I like them.
I also like that I don't feel on edge all of the time, I am calm and at ease.
I stop every so often, and remember that I don't have to be afraid to do anything. The central air is nice, temprature control is okay, if it's warm in the house, Erica tuns on the AC and it cools down, of it's cool in the mornings, she turns on the heat. She leaves lights on upstairs at night so we can see to go up, She is okay with laundry in a pile when it's time to wash it.
Its so nice to cook family dinners that everyone eats. No qualms about anything. Food is food, and it is good.
Sitting at night on the couch watching TV together, going to town, doing normal things. No plan, no rush, no fears, no static. Just family. Just us.
It is good... it is so good.
So at ease. So very, very, good.
I am grateful. and Happy.
Finally a light heart Have I.
Thank you.

Surreal and Fear

It's surreal being here in Arizona. It is a treasure beyond treasures. It feels so precious and fragile.
It feels as though at any minute it could be stolen away from me.
It is also interesting to think on my reactions and actions to things... like lights, and toilet paper, and pans.
Granted, it's only been a few days, but I catch myself walking on egg shells- turn off lights, hide my things away, don't expect to be interacted with.
But it is so different here. Lights are okay to be on. Erica WANTS to talk to me. She doesn't touch my cast iron pans. It's okay to use toilet paper- there is no septic system..
Please let this be real, please please just let me keep this. I've waited for so long...
Please don't take this away from me.. if I have to go back to New Hampshire, it will kill my spirit.
(I am so scared something is going to break this...)
I enjoy every precious moment. Every Single One.

2 days

2 days to go. Working like a mad-woman every day to get this house in order, all of the things we need/want packed and the rest taken care of for Mike. Don't want to leave ties or anything he has to clean up.
Its been a mad whirl wind. But a wonderful one! It's almost amazing to me how easy the details of this decision have been. NOTHING worked for over a year for me.. I tried numerous things, wall after wall was hit.
And then this.
And the road was paved easy and smooth.. quite beautifully.
All the things fell into place. Home, Job, School, Truck, selling belongings.
Helps me remember my Universals.
Not going to like sleeping in a truck for 2 nights, but Hey.. it's worth it.
The friends all showed up at LaFesta last night for a send off dinner, it was so nice! I appreciated them all.
Well.. today I need to blaze through the basement, finish the bedrooms and detail the kitchen (last run through) and pack it all up. 37 boxes.. though I wouldn't mind being under a little.
First.. get the kiddo up, fed and off to school, run to pick up more tape (thinking I fund the tape companies lately) and then dead run at it all. I will rest tomorrow.

I have to say, its a load lightened to release all the random junk I've been dragging around for years. rather freeing! no crap to move!

holiday

This will be the last Holiday we miss out of chaos or crisis.
I am feeling poorly tonight for the lack of Halloween spirit I have, not that I even remember it is the Halloween season. And I won't have a chance to even really celebrate it much- too much to do.
Maggie will get to Trick or Treat with Erica and Matthew and I in Clarkdale so that is good.
Still burning through the house, Tired tonight for sure.
feeling a little worn. Good to know I can unload anything I dont sell to Vanessa at her thrift store.
7 days.
Then off to home.
It will be a lot of emotions.. i think.
But I will be glad to have the continuous nagging in the back of my head gone.
I can finally settle down.

Life will ..

I am wide awake at 1:08 am. I was thinking about a few of my precious belongings, and I could feel the yuck begin to creep in, so i got up and made tea.
And Think.
I know I am starting over- again. This will be #2 major restart in my life. I did this once when I was 22, to come to NH.
and there have been several small reboots in between
But this will be the last one.
When I get home, I will not restart again. I am all done with major uproot adventures. I am too old for it, and I am ready to settle and live from a new perspective. A comfortable perspective.
I spent the last few years working myself into a place where I felt extremely trapped, and was very distracted until a year ago. The distraction was good.. but when it ended, the trapped part became a forefront thing that had me flailing.
It took me the whole year to come to my stop-point of just being ready to go where I have wanted to be for a very long time.
I have been working fast and very determinedly for the past week now to accomplish the goal I have set for myself.
And it feels more right than anything has in a very long time.
No more distractions. Just going home.. to build a life where I never have to uproot again. A life where I am comfortable and secure.
I have never felt that way in New England.
I came here to grow, to learn a way of being in my own shoes, of who I am - in ways I never could ever have done in the Valley. I had to have the outside culture and exposure and influences. They have gifted me more than anything could.
And now I will take this and go back to my world to put it to beautiful use, and give back more than I had ever had as a child.
I am grateful for the beauty of it all.
Rite now, to get it done, I want to hold onto the drive, the determination and not get into any of the fear base that holds me to anything physical - the belongings. I will take with us what is important to us, and leave that which is unnecessary. What a beautiful weight to have lift! I have always been told I have too much 'crap', and you know what? there IS too much unnecessary junk kicking around, and that is okay. I am looking forward to arriving with just enough things that I can pick them up and move them easily. I will re-collect things as I live along in time... and they will have good meaning to them. But for now.. Now, I am looking forward to new and happy sunsets and beautiful sunrises.
I am grateful for all who have crossed my path here in New England.