More thinking on these things.
So, I am taking a sick day today, because I woke up with a fever, 101 and was so achy. At present moment I feel okay. But my soul is .... doing something.
Here's how it is...
It just occurred to me.. you know, when I sat down to pee.. as many things do... that I have been doing Herbal work for over 10 years now. 12 to be exact. Thats many years.
I have never felt worthy to be calling myself any name or title. But I am coming to a change in that.
And lets bounce to blocks. The shop, I am finally coming to terms with... is a block for me.
It has been fun, and interesting. But I really am seeing it as condemning so many other things I could be doing, Especially those things that I know and Love to do for others. I am watching a video on Rosemary Gladstar's cough syrup, and I love it. I love the simpleness of the herbs, the way this can be shown to others. I want to do that.
I would like to explore more, show more, involve people more. I feel like an herbal, spiritual Gypsy and that the shop, it's stress and the now-ness of it has just culled those wings for a long time. Like covered them in molasses. (bread reference there...)
It has been such a beautiful thing, and I think it has served it's purpose, in my life and the community, and I am grateful for it. I wanted to be in the community, every day- I had told Eeta that all I wanted to do was to be engulfed in the Spiritual Community every single day. She has said it wasn't possible. I knew she was wrong.
Anyways. I digress. I have been collecting beautiful thoughts, images, and feelings of home and life how I want it to be.
Steven has mentioned that I have not re-invented myself in a long long time. He says I am over due. I say it is time to be fully who I AM. Who is that? It has no words. It just IS.
I made an amulet at Christine's to do just that, to ease through transition and to make me fully solid in my own shoes.
There were just a couple of younger kids hanging outside of the shop, wandering around searching. I can feel that they were trying to go in. I have a feeling someone told them that 'if you hang around outside long enough she will come down and let you in'. But this time I did not. Why? Well.. usually I would, but today, on this day of thinking, I am understanding that tests are given to see if the pattern will stick. If i were to get up, go down and try to help them, I would be doing what I always do- I will be giving my soul away, all reserves for my own self gone. I will be back at square one, nothing behind the levee.
It is time to be for my own self, time to be in my own shoes. And by this uncertain, diffused light how does one do that? It is almost Samhain, the end of the year. When all harvests are brought in and stock is taken. "You will be weighed, You will be measured..." but this time I will not be found wanting.
In this calm, quiet moment, There is so much more than what I have done. There is infinite possibilities, there is all the learning under my belt, all the spirituality and understandings in my soul, there is all the love in my heart.
And in this major step, this closing of a place, I step full on into my own future, full on into my own shoes. I am capable of so much more and by removing a solid hold-back, I open the flood gates to a bold new future for myself, for my friends and family and for the community I have served.
It has been a scary road, a long road and it will not be without its moments of more doubt and fear, but as long as I remember who I am and what I am capable of, All will be well.
Any ways.. today I am quiet. Today I sit in contemplation and be quiet. I know this will all be well and beautiful.