A Sunday

Not like other Sundays.
Today I do my first house party. I use to get excited about these things, thinking they were massive milestones.
Now, they are just things. I really should give them more of my joy, but I cannot at the moment, I am hoping that at least doing them is enough to keep them going rite now.
My gut. I have this pull, this digging feeling of deep earth.. Its hard to breathe.
How did it come to this? I feel unreal... like a daydream.
I am always on the edge of speaking.
I cannot. I must not.
Work my own ways. Do my own path, hold up Maggie and I - Pave my way.
Know the Known and deal as best as I can with the rest. Distract myself. Find things to keep my attention until the next breath of air I am gifted.

I never could have imagined such a thing... 10 years and this is what it comes to. My hope is that this experience is only for learning to appreciate. Learning that once the actual Peace is in hand and heart, It will be always cherished. Always appreciated... remember. Never forget this pain, this lack of air, this continual drowning.
At least today I am not crying.
But my heart is like a lump of mud. Dull and Difficult.

Distraction...
I have huge dreams and I am praying.